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(((((Lea)))) doesn't sound good. I agree with cm - your husband is a lucky man. I think you have to stand your ground. This is your home too. I am assuming that at no point you agreed to your mil staying with you permanently and that the arrangement was - clearly - that your mil be placed. Boy, do I understand your resentment. I think you have to hold him to the original plan and that he chose to leave his family and cleave to you. Your interests are not being served here and doubt his are either, nor mil's in the long run, maybe in the short run. But her interests do not supersede yours.
It is amazing how easily the child in us comes out, Your husband wants to make his mummy happy. This happens much more easily, I believe , in dysfunctional families as there are so many unresolved issues. Perhaps your mil was never very pleased by her children so there is still some underlying need there in your husband.

In any case, this is not doing you or your marital relationship any good. Would counselling help? Can you have another talk with him and tell him this is not working for you and you need a decision, some action, a date for her move? Can you point out some positives? He can still visit his mum when she is placed and watch TV with her there, but she will also have the opportunity to make friends her own age, and the two of you then will be free to pursue your retirement plans. And he will have time to engage in his own interests. Can you plan a trip for the two of you and have Mum go into respite while you are away. You never know - she may want to stay there.

This is a tough one. I wish you all the best.((((((hugs))))) and blessings Come back and vent any time.
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LeaBea, your husband is the luckiest man I've heard of recently. He should thank God you're willing to tackle the hard decisions for him. Brilliant stuff, well done; and an extra well done for not flipping out over that ER elder abandonment episode - was that NOT FAIR or what??? May you be rewarded with your MIL's smooth and easy transition to the care home.
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I am a registered nurse in this field....and my mother-in-law came to live with us last June. I'm not saying that I didn't come from a dysfunctional family, but I will say that my poor husband's family adds new meaning to the word! We inherited his Mom, who is a widow with moderate dementia, after her own daughter "dropped" her off at their small town ER and announced rather loudly that she would not be caring for Mom anymore! She then turned around and walked out...leaving Mom and her little dog standing in the waiting room with nothing but her purse and the clothes on her back. My husband made the 7 hours drive to pick her up. I have found Mom to be pleasantly confused during her 8 months here, but I am feeling trapped. As I mentioned, I work in this field during the day....and come home to it by night. My husband had just begun his retirement and I was to follow next year...but will not, because I can no longer bear to be in my own home. Mom was not a very nice lady in her hey day....she did not treat any of us women (including her own daughter) nicely...and she has burned all of her bridges. This was to be a short stint until she could be placed, but my husband has lost his nerve and is afraid of hurting her feelings.....he does not seem to believe anything I try to tell him. So now I am beginning to harbor hard feelings towards him. After all...I kind of know what I am talking about professionally. There are no other relatives for Mom to move in with. I have selected one of our best adult family homes in the community and put Mom on the waiting list for a private bedroom. When I told my husband this, he looked crushed. I do not feel that the present situation is healthy for him (he went from having an active retirement to sitting and watching TV with Mom all day "to keep her company") or for our relationship, since all of our plans are now on indefinite hold and we are not getting any younger!
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One last comment before I hit the sack. Glad! I am soooo glad that you told me how you always go to YouTube to learn things. I kept looking at that Boundaries book and have no incentive to read it. I just watched one very good YouTube video on boundaries... with re-enactments....I will come back and take notes...for now, I will just watch all the different videos and note the ones that I like. The second one - is from a religious website. Making me cringe. Unfortunately, I will have to avoid all of his videos. But he has so many good practical ideas! So, maybe I won't avoid his videos. Just tune out anything that's religious. night!
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Norest, when my mom died, my sister called 911 and they sent the ambulance and the police. Even though sis gave the EMS the DNR, by law, they were required to ask aloud if anyone have objections of the DNR. The EMS said that if anyone objected, then they will start CPR on her. It just bugs me about this. So, what is the use of having a DNR if a family member decides that they want you to have CPR????
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Sharyn, I had to use my kindle in order to zoom in to see your blanket. Is that from knitting or crocheting? My aunty knits. I crochet a teeny tiny bit. But when I watch her knit, I envied her because knitting makes things faster. Whereas, crocheting is so time consuming. Yep, neutral colors! =) But, it does look pretty to me. At least you didn't make it ONLY one color but you're mixing it. Thanks for sharing.
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My mother in law, age 94 is now staged at severe Alzheimer's. She is required to go away from the house. She also has severe aortic stenosis and there are signs this is impairing her activity. Her chance of having an arrhythmia which would require resuscitation is probable. This is why we had to instruct anyone caring for her to have a copy of her DNR with them. Not just in the car. It would be futile at this point for anyone to perform CPR with defibrillation. It was her wishes when she was competent, she did not want extraordinary measures be taken if she had an illness she could not recover from.
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Veronica that is indeed the thing - what resuscitation actually involves. We see too much on TV of kindly nurses or handsome paramedics popping a couple of paddles on people and - voilà! All is well. The more likely reality of a 15 stone (210lb) paramedic thumping my elderly frail mother's chest until every one of her ribs is broken and she dies anyway… is my recurring nightmare. Her - excellent, again - GP printed off a very good explanatory leaflet for her, which emphasised that signing a DNAPR does NOT mean you won't get treated at all, for anything. Sadly, that's the half-formed suspicion it's hard not to harbour when you're nearly 90.
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Book~Just for you...I changed my avatar to the baby blanket I am currently crocheting.
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My family put the D in dysfunction. There is a massive amount of mental illness on my father's side of the family and it always goes untreated. It's like Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus since my mom got a brain injury. She was the strongest person in our family now it's the 2 of them limping along. My siblings are totally hands off with helping and have a MILLION reasons why. I'm so glad all of you wrote in about your crazy families! Thank You:)
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Austin I have now way of checking but I do know the hospitals and clinics want a healthcare proxy but I certainly would not carry a DNR unless I was terminally ill whether they want it or not. Hospice patients are encouraged to sign one on admission and if they agree their primary caregiver is advised to carry a copy and post one prominently in the home. Our hospice nurses usually had a copy in their patient records too.
For others you can never be forced to sign a DNR it is up to the patient if competent or their POA so never be bullied if you are not comfortable but educate yourself on what being rescusitated will entail
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savor energy is what sacro wedgy auto corrects to. How in the world does it get there from here. Still my favorite auto correct is sacrificing from caregiving. How appropriate!
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Yes, I previously had blue (male) version, as I "inherited" from ex boyfriend. I ordered female version, but blue one worked for me, too, and I'm not particularly tall or anything. Well, lets just say I'm looking forward to getting the new pink one and seeing if it has same profound relief powers. Such a small, simple looking thing, but, for me, does something unparalleled by anything else I've tried. :D
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Glad, I was trying to figure out what you meant with"otherwise".
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Great work Alison! I will put this on must have list for next paycheck. I am not sure though if I should get the male or female version. I am tall through the torso and wide hips but short legged, LOL!! I will read more about to get a better idea on which to order.

Book~I think you can order probiotics that are powder to put in drinks or a meal to avoid taking a pill. The sacro wedgy has a pillow you might be interested in...maybe you can order from another source other than Amazon since they won't ship to your Island.

What little cash I could afford to spend this week, I spent this morning. 1) a gift for hubbys birthday on Sunday 2) I found a craft lamp 50% so I paid $25.00 for it. Now I can crochet at night with this brighter light. I am excited to try it out tonight. Funny how something as geeky as a craft lamp excites me in my old age, LOL!!
Have a good day, gotta get to work on Chicken N Noodles for hubby's Valentines dinner, it is his favorite.
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Theracane got auto corrected to otherwise!'LOL
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Alison-
Just looked at it on Amazon, and there is a male and female version. I suppose if you are a tall woman you may want the male version. And on the same page after the amazon sacrowedgy search is my favorite, the otherwise! Both must be good! Funny!
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Alison, so glad you found it! Whenever I cannot find something in the internet I change search terms. I think I have a gift of this, wonder if it is marketable. That I could easily do from home! Maybe then I could become a self made millionaire! LOL!
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They sell Sacro Wedgy (I guess its 2 words, not 1?) on Amazon, with lots of positive reviews. Sharyn, you mentioned sciatic pain, lots of the reviewers say this device helps with this. Just wanted to mention they sell on Amazon, where you can read much more about it with unbiased reviews, as opposed to the manufacturers' website.
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Glad, sometimes we just need that little bit of extra encouragement, that little bit of different word (wedge) we didn't know to use before…

And, Voila! The Sacrowedgy is name of my "Magic Device" I haven't been able to find! You can find at sacrowedgy.com, if you want to see the best thing to ever happen to my back, lol. Talk about finding your lost love again! :D Ok, just having a laugh about this. I had to search images to find it, but there it was: blue, plastic, not very big… the missing sacrowedgy! Lolololol! Have a good day all!
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Veronica - how RUDE! = O Cheeky blighters! I had a similar shock a couple of months back when a locum GP asked me if I was "still sexually active." How old does he think I am? And when does he think it becomes illegal again???

Actually, no, not at the moment, as it happens, but there's no "still" about it. I can live in hope, can't I?!
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doyourbest,
I know it is hard to call APS, and good for you, you did it! Hopefully, things will get figured and straightened out. I agree with Austin, it is unsafe without a phone. We have Comcast phone, that if the electricity goes out the house phone does not work. I have a cell, but in spite of being in a large city, we are in an area, that Verizon doesn't work. But, Verizon when I realized it was a location problem provided a "signal extender" at no charge when I explained the situation. But that also has problems, the signal extender goes through the internet connection, so no electricity, no phone. I could always was half a block up and the cell phone would probably work.
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195Austin - Thanks. I have called APS on Monday and am waiting to hear from them. They were supposed to go by on Wednesday.
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doyourbest do you think APS should be made aware of the neglect of your Mom-it sounds unsafe to be alone with no phone available.
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It has been difficult throughout the years and realizing how dysfunctional my family was and still is. Growing up the middle child of seven with parents who threatened divorce and never did. And my mother emotionally dumping all her issues she had with my dad on me and I'm sure with the rest of the family. She tended to escalate arguments with my dad so that we would all come to her rescue. My father passed away in 2002 and things have escalated now to the point where rival gangs have formed. Three sisters have taken my mother hostage, not allowing contact from me or my brother because there is no house phone and my sister takes her own cell to work. She ignores all requests for contact. Of course this is unsafe and dangerous since my mother has fallen and found on the floor several hours later. I have sound reason to believe they are exploiting her financially as well. My sisters are continuously emotionally unloading on my mother to get her on their side.
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Book, I think her trouble is just beginning. Conservator now knows that she is concealing financial information for my mom. And mom at one time had a long term care policy, that sis was notified mom had stopped making payments. It was probably the beginning of mom's Alzheimer's and making bad decisions. That was at least a $300,000.00 mistake made by sis who said that she didn't realize it for nine months and then the policy could not be reinstated. That too, was a lie by sis. By law, the company is required to send the notifications of non-payment to second listed on the policy which was sis POA. That should be out of her pocket to say nothing of all of these attorney fees, guardian and conservator fees! Who the F*** does she think she is.
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In NY state the hospitals want a DNR on file but you do not have to do that if you carry one with you at all times-I was almost forced to sign the last time my husband went to the hospital in the ER and I said no -I would access him first-it did turn out to be a different problem then he had been having twice a week for weeks and we did end up with a DNR two days later after it was proved that there was no hope of recovery-but it needs to be up to the family at all times.
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Usually an abused person was abusded in childhood and the way we were treated changes who we become and as an adult you think if I could just be good we would not be abused on some level we think we deserve the treatment-those who come from loving homes and family life say no f------ way I deserve this treatment-being abused as a child does change who you become as an adult plus abusbers can convince you that you do deserve the treatment and also when I got married no one talked aloud about abuse-even when bruises showed-the abusers are cever hurting you where it does not show and people want to believe you are covering your arms in the summer because you really are cold-it makes them feel better if they do not have to take action. Also if the abuser thinks you are thinking about getting help the abuse gets worse-a nurse near here was killed by her boyfriend and everyone she worked with knew about it because of phone calls she got at work from him.
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Good! x
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CM, I don't blame Book at all. Her circumstances left her between a rock and a hard place.

I don't normally go around pissed off all the time. lol I'm actually very peaceful and quiet for the most part but I won't hesitate to stand up for myself if it's necessary. It takes a lot of crap to really get me angry. Unless, of course, it involves absolute injustice, like someone hitting me, or me seeing someone hurting someone else, or bullying them. Then, I can go from totally calm to broiling, crazy rage in about 2 seconds flat. I'm the type that won't hesitate to stand up and say something for the sake of others, too. If I saw someone, say, shove an elderly person and cause them to fall...I might not know what's up or what caused that, but my first reaction would be to run over there, pounce on them and kick their ass. *shrug* I have absolute zero tolerance for that kind of shit, towards me or anyone else. I dealt too long. Too damn long. That anger at those kind of injustices will never leave me in this lifetime.
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