The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Book, my memory is highly selective. I was "Daddy's little love-bun" and sweet and good and curly-haired and hard-working and always won school prizes… can't think why my siblings couldn't stand me. (Daddy went off me quite a lot before long, can't think why that happened, either!)

Anger can be good stuff to work with, SA. Most of the (not many) things I've done in my life that I'm proud of were motivated by anger, at least originally. It can stop you being afraid. It can make you focus very clearly. It helps you get things DONE. Unfortunately it can also make you a) hurt innocent bystanders, unintentionally; and b) act too fast, in a way that you later regret.

I understand how you feel, and I also understand from Book that I don't know how it feels to be so trapped. So, why can't she rear up and yell "Don't you f***ing hit me, ever, or so help me I will knock you clear across the room!!!" - because I know you and I are both screaming it for her. Why doesn't the touch paper light? I have to assume, it's because when you're in her room, with her dad, looking after her mum… it isn't the same. Probably we can't know why it isn't, we can just see that it isn't. There's something else important that we can't see.

Book Last time I went to the ER they wanted my POA and HCP which they usually do.
This time they asked if I had a DNR. My husband and I looked at each other in suprise and horror. I may be 75 but no where need wanting to be a DNR my husband has the authority to refuse life sutaining proceedures if there is no prospect of recovery but I am no where needing a DNR. I went to the ER complaining of several days of svere diarrhea.

CM – what a coincidence! Baby sis also feels the same like you. She INSISTS that she never stole money from mom’s and blamed it on bro. She doesn’t recall a lot of stuff. When we all reminisced of the past, she denied it and even got so angry with us. She truly does not see it at all. Yet, we all remember. Selective memory????? Hmmmm… CM, do you have selective memory, too??? =) {{just teasing you!}} FYI, no one wanted baby sis around. Tattleteller…. It was a good way to reinforce her position in our parents’ adoring eyes of her. {{rolling my eyes}} Whatever!!!! Us 5 girls slept in the master bedroom (biggest bedroom), the 3 boys had the smallest room, and our parents had the smaller room. As you can see, there was a lot of frictions/fightings among us kids. Bedtime, wasn’t bedtime. The boys would sneak into our room, and we would play hiding-go-seek with the light off (because we’re suppose to be sleeping.) That was great fun to play hiding-go-seek in the completely darkened room. We also played blind man’s bluff with our eyes open. That was fun, too. We would call out, hear whoever approach, flee, and needless to say, we did a lot of bumping/tripping over one another. That was before I became afraid of the dark….Baby sis, well, as a tattleteller, she would cry and yell that she cannot sleep because we’re playing, etc…. But, I cannot blame sis. She, too, has not much memory of her childhood, like I don’t with mine, and fave sis of hers. Selective memory….

SA, I used to think like that... until father started hitting me. I no longer have faith in myself that I would walk away. These kinds of violence sure have a way of undermining one's self esteem. I hope that I would still be able to walk away if it ever happens again.

"It was the time before father got his stroke and was abusive to me and vegetative bedridden mom. I’m positive mom’s nose was crooked because he must have hit her in the face and broke her nose. He LIKES hitting me in the head, even my eye glasses almost flew off my face. THAT was the time that I Hated myself. I have always hated watching the Lifetime channel. Fave sis loves watching that show. I would watch it and say to myself that I would never let a man do that to me and NOT walk away from the relationship. Then, years later, father was hitting me in the face/head out of anger. He always waited until I was in the middle of changing mom’s pampers before he would hit me. It got sooo bad, that any sudden movements of his hand, I LITERALLY jumped in fear, with my heart pounding in terror. I never realized how Awful it is to be an abused woman. And I Hated myself for staying and not walking away. But I had a darn obligation to “Honor” our parents. And I just KNEW that if I left, poor vegetative bedridden mom would have lots of bruises. I much prefer he hit me than her. But, I tell you this, I Hated myself because I found myself in the same stupid situation like those women in those Lifetime movies. I Jumped at every sudden movements of his hand. And his violence was escalating – just like in the movies. The last time he attacked me (Before his stroke and became bedridden), he was going to choke me. I saw the terrible anger in his face, he came at me with his hands out and clawed as if he was going to wrap his hands around my neck. I was soooo terrified. I couldn’t run away. As he came closer to me, thank Goodness for having a dog-eat-dog childhood with my siblings – I automatically reacted to his approach by angling my body sideways, right arm raised back, fist tightly clenched, and I was Fully Prepared to throw my Whole weight against that punch, and then RUN like hell out of the house. He was stopped in shock as he stared at my upraised hand - ready to punch him. {{{shudder}}}"

I'm doing a slow broil for you, Book. I do not like, or respect, your father...if that's what you want to call that.

My mom hit me, too. Quite often in rages when I was growing up. When I got old enough I told her that if she ever raised a hand to me again she wouldn't live to see the sun rise the next day. That ended that for the most part. She did throw an ashtray at my face when she was in her 70's, but I couldn't really retaliate then, she was too old and alz had a hold of her then. I did throw the ashtray back and hit the cabinet above her head and scared the shit out of her. Ahhhh, so satisfying. She never did that again.

Don't hate yourself for not leaving or being afraid, it's not your doing or your fault. You had your mom to consider. Your circumstances were a whole lot different. Good for you that you threatened to hit back. That's not cowardice. Besides, what woman wouldn't be terrified of a MAN, any man, trying to hit her??

Growing up getting the shit beat out of me made me very, very angry to put it mildly. To this day just thinking about it pisses me off, even though I have forgiven my mom. God help anyone else that tries it. If I was in a relationship with a man and he hit me I'd meet violence with violence and do my damndest to kick HIS ass. Then I'd walk and I'd never want to see his loser face again.

If, God forbid, I ever found myself stuck in a live in situation with a man that hit me...ain't never happenin'...but say that I was, bet he wouldn't live long. I'd kill him. I'd poison him. Or drug him and stab him to death in his sleep. Period. In that situation, with my background, I can totally see myself committing murder. No man hits me. Not for any reason. Man, hell, nobody on the planet. Never again in this life.

Book - lol! I wonder if your sister feels the same as me, then? :) And I wonder if she, too, has come to understand your perspective better than you know. One day, when the time is right, you must ask her...

By the way, I don't *agree* with my sister's assessment. On the whiney thing, for example, the irritating fake whine, I remember very clearly being pulled up for that one. We shared a bedroom and I'm sure I was getting on her nerves (she couldn't have been more explicit). I was six. I had mumps. Sorry?! Now, of course, I know that OBVIOUSLY you don't ask an adolescent to share a bedroom with her sick little sister. But I also know it wasn't my fault she had to.

Less fun to think about, but you're right that it is terribly wrong to blame people for not leaving an abusive situation. If it were that easy, they'd do it, right? So it never is quite that simple. The feminist memorandum of "he hits you once, shame on him; he hits you again, shame on you" is only partly true, and not always even that. For a start it doesn't work so well if there are other things - like your mother, or a child - tying you in to the situation. And that's before you even start on the downward spiral of self-blame. It's horrible. But it must always be a mistake to think you know the answers if it's not happening to you.

On a Lighter note:

CM, OMGoodness! You are a reincarnation of my baby sister! As you described your sister’s perception of you… I’m guilty of thinking that of my baby sister! Except she was both parent’s spoiled brat, she tattletaled on all of us, AND at age 11, she went out with her friends while us older siblings Could NOT! … “spoiled (!-cried to get her way), selfish (!-she ate all the goodies and what was left, she gave to us), useless (!-No house chores), irresponsible (!-blames us for the probem), sneaky (!-stole $$ from mom’s purse and framed it on bro), whiney (!-she can go on for hours in that irritating Fake whine), unreliable (!-unless she benefits from it), untruthful (!-good at getting us in troube)…”
I can honestly say that my sister was very accurately described.

Glad – so, does this mean that Sibling POA did NOT get in trouble for trying to pull “a fast one”?? It makes me wonder how far she will go to hide more $$.

Hi Norest. You are correct, without the DNR, the EMS or EMT are obligated to do life-sustaining procedures. When mom was still alive, years and years ago, the hospice nurse explained the importance of putting the DNR on the wall in a see-through plastic taped next to mom’s hospital bed. When the EMT came, the medic suggested that I make several copies and put it with the original on the wall. This way, when I’m not there, whoever is there, can just take out 2 photocopies of the DNR. Give one to the EMT and one to the ER. FYI, when mom died, and the EMT was called, they had a difficult time trying to see the name of the doctor. When you get the DNR, please ensure that the doctor’s name is written plainly and not just a signature (which looks like chicken scratch.)

Iwentanon, oh man! You need to at least get a Kindle! I think it’s cheaper than an Ipad. This way, when you’re stuck in bed, you can still use the kindle – as long as you have Wireless Connection (Wi-Fi). I hope your foot surgery is successful. {{HUGS}}

Sharyn, I can't wait to see your handiwork.

Hi Sebring. When you feel like sharing or venting, please feel free to do. I, remember the one time I hated myself so much. It was the time before father got his stroke and was abusive to me and vegetative bedridden mom. I’m positive mom’s nose was crooked because he must have hit her in the face and broke her nose. He LIKES hitting me in the head, even my eye glasses almost flew off my face. THAT was the time that I Hated myself. I have always hated watching the Lifetime channel. Fave sis loves watching that show. I would watch it and say to myself that I would never let a man do that to me and NOT walk away from the relationship. Then, years later, father was hitting me in the face/head out of anger. He always waited until I was in the middle of changing mom’s pampers before he would hit me. It got sooo bad, that any sudden movements of his hand, I LITERALLY jumped in fear, with my heart pounding in terror. I never realized how Awful it is to be an abused woman. And I Hated myself for staying and not walking away. But I had a darn obligation to “Honor” our parents. And I just KNEW that if I left, poor vegetative bedridden mom would have lots of bruises. I much prefer he hit me than her. But, I tell you this, I Hated myself because I found myself in the same stupid situation like those women in those Lifetime movies. I Jumped at every sudden movements of his hand. And his violence was escalating – just like in the movies. The last time he attacked me (Before his stroke and became bedridden), he was going to choke me. I saw the terrible anger in his face, he came at me with his hands out and clawed as if he was going to wrap his hands around my neck. I was soooo terrified. I couldn’t run away. As he came closer to me, thank Goodness for having a dog-eat-dog childhood with my siblings – I automatically reacted to his approach by angling my body sideways, right arm raised back, fist tightly clenched, and I was Fully Prepared to throw my Whole weight against that punch, and then RUN like hell out of the house. He was stopped in shock as he stared at my upraised hand - ready to punch him. {{{shudder}}}

I will never ever forget that feeling of helplessness, pure terror of a damn hand (!), and the pure self-loathing of my cowardice. I still cannot watch movies that reflects reality and the violence in it. But, I No Longer pre-judge these females. Sometimes, you just have to walk in their shoes to truly, truly understand their fears and inability to leave the relationship. I hated myself for staying to take the brunt of dad’s anger, just so that mom wouldn’t get hit. That was My self loathing, humiliating and embarrassing part of my life. And I’m not foolish to think that just because he’s bedridden, that he cannot hurt me anymore.

How about making a smoothie withe yogurt tastes like a fruity milk shake.

Rogaine too expensive. You must continually take it to stop the balding. Men's Rogaine's cheaper but it doesn't work on females. I find myself gravitating to all those colorful wigs. If I'm going bald, I might as well buy colorful obviously-fake hair to make one of my teenage wishes come true. I've always wanted to wear wigs and match it to my clothes or my current mood. I've seen black wigs with purple or pink strips of hair. That looks so much like fun! Fortunately I don't look my age - so I can still carry it off - and not look like an aging woman trying to pretend she's a teenager.

I can eat yogurt if it's like once a month. I just don't like yogurt. That was the first choice I did when I was trying to get probiotic. It got to the point, my stomach was heaving as I ate halfway into it. Hence, the herbal pills...which is Somewhere stagnating... because I hate swallowing pills.

Book- you can get probiotics in yogurt too. It will say it has active live cultures on the container. Not sure about hair loss, my sis has hair loss too. She is using rogain bu she cant dye her hair as it caused major hair loss while using rogain.

Sharyn, I keep buying probiotics but I end up not taking it. The same applied to the cranberry pills. I buy all these stuff and just hate swallowing pills. I'm currently trying a herbal pill for healthy hair. I'm going grey and bald. So far, no ringing of the ears or rashes or cold sores....but then again, I'm not following the instructions - take one pill in the morning and evening. I'm only taking the evening. If anything, I just hope it just stops the excess hair from falling out.

If I find that it works, I'll let you all know.

Memory care has been cleared by the health department, I will visit my mom tomorrow. The AL side will most likely be cleared tomorrow which does not effect me visiting my mom. I am so happy my mom did not get this virus. My mom does not usually get stomach viruses, if she does get a virus it is bronchitis/sinus, like me. I have been wanting to share some info with you all but kept forgetting....I have been taking a probiotic for a year now, I have not had any colds or sinus flares ups where I have had to go to dr or call off work. Prior to taking the probiotic, I was sick twice a year with bronchitis since I started this job 5 years ago.

I am really glad for the sharing of info on this thread regarding health issues whether it is muscle or other illnesses. It does help us to find ways to help ourselves naturally.

Mom's being stubborn. My son & I went to take her laundry and toilet paper. She was still in bed at 2:00 in the afternoon, lying there flat on her back with her eyes open, disappointed Jesus didn't come get her yet. Could not be arsed to sit up for us. Just yelled at us to do, that, or the other thing from her bed. I went around and turned on every light and opened every shade in the place just to annoy her.

I pulled the covers back and siad it's time to get up, change yourself, and eat. Get in the shower. She had taken pills the day before, or at least they were missing from the box. I knew the light would annoy her and she'd have to get up to turn them off. She's always preferred to sit in the dark. We could have gotten by with two lightbulbs in the house growing up. I like to have lots of light and see outside!

I flipped the breaker switch for her stove since she swears it shocks her. I think it's from dry winter air and her shuffling across the carpet. But, she has no business using a stove anyway. Just microwave it. Banana and mayo sandwiches don't need cooking anyway.

Since she was going to stay in bed, i said we'd have to go. What 15 year old boy wants to stand in his grandmother's bedroom, reeking of pee and dirty old lady in her pjs? I wouldn't do that to him. Sorry you're not up for a visit. See you later.

The thing with my mom is that she is beyond stubborn. If she thinks she needs to do something, even if she wanted to, she would refuse to just to be stubborn. She can still get up. She can still do a lot for herself and she just won't. She had dirty dishes in the sink, so she had to have eaten something sometime. I think she told me she isn't eating just to be weird, worrisome, and stubborn. If you want an old tired mule, I know where you can find one.

I signed her up for the visiting foot care people whether she wants it or not. I am not touching those talons. She has a raging case of foot fungus that smells to high heaven, blisters from too tight shoes that never get aired out, (she has properly fitted shoes and will not wear them, even though she picked them out!), and those giant thick toenails. I literally could not cut them if I had to. She messes with her toes and then touches everything and herself. Gross. Her neglected diabetes is not helping this any, and her liver/kidneys are weakened, so i don't think she can take antifungals now. Good thing all she wants to eat is diet pepsi, cheese, yogurt, milk, and bananas - all bad for kidney patients.

If she wants to die, there is nothing i can do to change that. I am the last person she wants to see or talk to. I brought her flowers st week, and she said thank you to my husband by name, but not a word to me. Whatever. I'm just over here being free clerical help, laundry, grocery, and doctor service. I realize how trivial that is and it makes me no better than dog food.....or so she would have me think! No way lady.

If she goes into some kind of "state" or has an episode, the facility will call the ambulance. If she doesn't report in on time every day, they'll go in and take action. If she won't open the door for the PT guy, he'll get in there. Same for the visiting nurse who sets up her meds and does the checks every few days.

I've been so emotionally wrung out over her antics that were so frequent in the past, that I don't know if I have panic mode in me anymore. She had a medical episode or suicide attempt so often while I was growing up, i find that kind of thing just annoys and bores me now. When I'd go tocall 911 in the past, she'd straighten up and it would all be just fine very suddenly. I've had the emergency response for her used up I guess. This is why I am the calm one in a crisis I suppose. I just don't get in a flap over much after growing up with an emergency-a-holic.

I find that the more there is in my life that I cannot fix easily - like my caregiving situation, family situation, etc., etc. - the more I enjoy discussing the things in my life I've learned to manage, situations I've made better.

So even though discussing aches and pains may not be official DYS thread business, for me, its invaluable. Its something in my life that I have some control over. : ) I need all the positivity these days I can get.

Emjo, of course you're right, bro isn't going to help me exit. I have a few ideas/plans forming in my mind as to how to go about exiting, and I know that my father will be very safe no matter what. I already have contact with local department of Aging/Elder Care, if I have to leave my father in his own home (because he flat out refuses to relocate, or other reasons), I'll make sure he has everything he needs, as best as I can. I've arranged him a home nurse through VA to come and check on his catheter, so there is window for me to just leave him here. Actually, would be less work for me if he does just stay here and not relocate. Relocating means, I'm sure, that I'm staying in the house to try to sort out the massive amount of STUFF here and figure out what to do with it.

Well, just some thoughts rolling around in my head. I've been making it to gym classes for past few days, it helps so much with the stress level in my life and I'm starting to feel a little less stiff in general. I wish the same for you guys. : )

Alison~I just read your post about Magnesium. I will try that as well, I do stretch my lower back because of sciatic nerve, but the dr did tell me to do a warm up for my lower back before I go to work. Book is right, strengthening the abdominal muscles does strengthen the lower back too...the whole core area is key to preventing stress injuries. Muscle spasms can result from dehydration so replenishing those electrolites like potassium and magnesium can help with spasms.

I am glad so many of you have responded to this even though it is not on the DYS subject line. Also, I use the Thermacare wraps, the charcoal is activated by body heat for up to 8 hours.

Glad-thank you will order tomorrow.

Sharyn,
yup, that's it. Hope it works for you, personally I live the stuff!

Book~I went to the dr. this morning. He said it is a pulled/sprained muscle. I lift boxes of whole chickens that weigh 35-40 lbs and I lift boxes with frozen bread, rolls, danish,etc and the french bread boxes probably weigh around 20 lb. When I called work this morning, they said I need a drs note...no problem. So back to the muscle relaxers and a RX for anti-flammatory, and now I am out of work until Sunday. I kinda feel like I am getting to cold shoulder at work because of this (it may be just me feeling guilty), but this is the second time in 2 weeks I have pulled this same muscle and I know none of them at work are going to take care of me...so I have to do it (not that I would want any of them to take care of me) for myself. Even hubby was surprised I was off again.

Glad~I googled biofreeze, it is available through Amazon, take a look and let me know if it is the same as you are talking about.

Joan~I can relate to so much of what you go through with your mother. The tears do come no matter how strong we are and keep things in perspective. I am happy to hear you and Gary will be going on your cruise in March. You certainly deserve to get away, have fun and relax. Things are slowly moving forward..please don't let your sister's wrath get to you when she learns about the situation. Maybe communicate through email...only respond once. That is what what I do, then delete the next several without reading until she has exhausted herself... not you.

I think I have always know my sister was like our mother, but I kept hoping certain high maintenance qualities in her would get better as she got older. As i have gotten older, I don't want to deal with high maintenance relationships...I cherish my quite drama free life and that includes friends who have too much drama. We have spent too many years kissing A to get along and maintain relationships...not any longer.

I will post some pics of the blanket I am working on in a few days after I a few more rows crocheted.

Margeraux and Alison~I do love Tumeric too. It is great on rice. I use a lot of cayenne pepper, garlic, red onions and bell peppers...all are high in anti inflammatory properties.

Hoping everyone gets over their back pains and mother/father, siblings pains in the A@@! Have a good day.

im to the point hes made me hate myself. now him.

alison - do you think some of your muscle tension comes from stress? I wholeheartedly believe in exercise as a solution for lots of things. If you strengthen the muscle around a joint you stress the joint less, and if you exercise and stretch the muscle it is less likely to spasm. I know magnesium works for some. Hope you start back on it and find it helps. And, of course, there is getting to the root of the stress and dealing with it. I have been thinking about your situation, and as much as I understand you not wanting to do more, I have my doubts that bro will assist you to get out of caregiving. It fits his needs too well. You may be on your own - not fair, I know, but if your goal is to leave this life and regain your autonomy, you may have to. Is there a local Agency for Aging and Social Services handy? They should be able to help. I cannot emphasize enough that getting professionals involved has made the difference for me. They are slowly taking over the burden, and dealing with things that need to be dealt with - things that I cannot do without their help.

On a happy note, a gal from many life times ago connected with me on f b. She was part of an interesting time on my life, in my 20s, and a very nice person. I have thought of her over the years and am pleased to have reconnected. Life brings surprises.

book - no sis has not changed. In fact she has gotten more openly nasty. Before she used to trigger mother to be nasty to me, now she is doing it herself. Then she changes like the wind and is "charming" when it suits her and I am supposed to forget about the nasty - as others here have mentioned about their parent. Alison and Barb and maybe others mentioned never knowing what you were going to face. She turns it off and on like a tap, depending on her motives I guess.

cm - a friend on the phone mentioned the other day, that when things start to get better, when you start to feel some relief, that is when the tears flow and I find that true. We need to feel out feelings and we need a safe place/space to do that. While mother was getting worse and so solution coming it was not safe. I am sorry about your sister. I saw a cousin do that to his younger brother and the effects it left were lasting and very negative. The parents did nothing to intervene either.

glad - WOW - double the income. That should make a difference. POA sis sure wants to hang onto the money doesn't she? At least the conservator is onto it.

hi olive - when I was very young in my faith I figured it couldn't hurt to be the best I could even if there was no "eternal reward". Peace to you

norest - thx I am sleeping better, as the immediate anxiety of what to do about mother has abated. The rest is grieving the losses, the abused child, the hurts - feeling the feelings, about the past but also about the present where I am having to make critical decisions for mother, and for the future. When mother was getting worse and worse I think I shut down to a degree for protection, though the anxiety grew. Now I can let it all out. I will ask about the DNR and the ambulance when I see the team on the 25th. I suppose it is the same here in Canada.

Margeaux - I am sorry about your back. A good mattress and pillows are so important. My neck was bothering me last year so I got a new pillow and that did the trick. It was not expensive at all. Carrot soup with ginger and turmeric sounds great. I put turmeric in soups too and generally have a pretty anti-inflammatory diet.

iwent -yes, alz does make things worse. Mother's paranoia is managing to get worse without dementia so she is not typical. I believe it is related to her personality disorder and it does add to our stress. Having mother in hospital and knowing that she will not be released to go back to how she was is a major improvement and helps to decrease stress, You are right we do not need to ruin out lives. Good luck with the foot surgery. I would not be happy to be without my computer/lifeline Take care.

Blessings to all and do something good for you today.

Margeaux, LOVE the tumeric! Ever since I discovered it was anti-inflammatory, and since its flavor is so mild, I put it on EVERYTHING. : ) I do recommend to friends to use as well.

So, this talk about aches and pains, and more specifically the really painful spasms we can get, has got me thinking… about what has and hasn't worked for me over the years. I may be only 38 (39 next week, woohoo!), but I've had problems with rigid muscles, weak spots, spasms, things that send me to bed for days. I don't know why exactly, different chiros and masseuses have said different things. I've bought many a device to stretch out or ease my back, only one worked, and worked like a charm - just like the Theracane that Glad mentioned - which btw, I'm going to look into that, Glad, because I do believe there are certain devices out there that work and I'm grateful to come across one. Most devices don't work for me. The one device I found that worked very well was inexpensive, a piece of triangular shaped blue plastic that you placed under where spine meets pelvis and you laid on it. I don't know the name and have tried for years to find it again! I am so sad that I had my "trick" device that did work, but left it behind when I came to caregive, and all the research on the internet has yielded nothing… I simply can't figure out what the name was or who sold it, darn it!

Ok, besides the once-in-awhile useful device or meds, topical or oral, I do know that when I am exercising, I experience less muscle spasms. So have to agree with book that finding exercises that strengthen and flex those muscles groups that bother you are key to finding relief.

This is very much on my mind since last night I got very little quality sleep because when I turn over, I'm activating this extremely painful spasm deep in lower back.

There is this one particular video on YouTube, Dr Melissa West beginner yoga video, where she shows you how to stretch your legs and back using a strap. I find that if I will do those slow, deep stretches, I can heal the problem areas.

Also Epsom salt baths or just taking Magnesium supplement orally. I had one Spring around '05 where every other week I was injuring a spasm in my back and was pretty much bedridden. Massage gal said take magnesium supplement. I did and spasm stopped and didn't return… until times like recently where I'm not taking supplement regularly anymore. :)

Ok, just thought I would share what is in my arsenal of things I battle my pains with. Hope everyone has good day!

On a different questions through this site, I answered something about OCDs and wrote/said, that I believed these things (anxiety and other rituals) were always apart of them, but were manifest in other-ways or internal dialogue, that they now with Dementia/ALZ cannot control anymore, rituals that served them well, just go a rye, I am so sorry that this happens to people even the ones that were abusive to us when we were younger, does make the caregiving more difficult, I agree, and
hopefully there will be something, that can be done so your health will not be taxed, stress can cause strokes, people and we do not need to ruin our lives, if we can find a way to detox....i wish you all well my foot surgery is tomorrow, I will be non-weight bearing for a while and my computer is no where near my bedroom. Like the Namaste...

Sharynmarie and Alison,

What's going on with our backs? I too am having a weird flareup.
I stupidly fell asleep on our worn out couch the other night.
Then we've this futon bed, and the frame is very weird. My husband and me have to rotate the futon mattress couple times a month. He's been very stubborn about changing this bed. But lately it's bothering his spine, too.
Yikes! Anyway my pain is in the right shoulder blade area, but feel it's probably generating from my lower back. I'm going to take something today, plus I have some stress right now going on, re: some upcoming work. So have got to whip this body into shape, even if I have to take an anti-inflammatory.
But also, when we're like this, it's good to avoid the inflammatory foods. Looks like it's going to be a carrot soup w/some ginger and tumeric for me, today.

Let's get better,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo, sorry you have to have old wounds open up and have salt put on them......Must cause must anxiety..... hope you can sleep......
When you spoke about the DNR, it brought to mind a situation. Just wanted to make sure others know they need to have a copy of DNR on person/in car in the event someone goes into cardiac arrest. The rescue squad may legally have to perform CPR if there is no paperwork to validate there is a DNR.

Re: non believers....as for me I vacillate. I would like to believe there is a spark of divine in all ...some of us perhaps, do not know "who" we are. Anyway, bottom line if there is nothing just us atoms and molecules...I want to be the best I can be for the greater good. So....therefore...Namaste. Oliveoyl

Well, met with the conservator yesterday, very interesting, indeed. Sibling POA has done a very good job of providing moms financial information, claiming poverty for mom but forgot one thing. Mom's IRA account which is about 1/3 of moms net worth. Unbelieveable! The mandatory distributions from the IRA are approximately equal to moms monthly income from retirement pay and social security. So mom's income is double what sis claimed it was! Makes me feel like they need me there to insure my suspicions are investigated and resolved.

Emjo, one damn thing after another… periods of life when it feels like that are tough to get through. But it's hard to think of anything to say that you don't already know better than the rest of us. Your strength is indeed an example, especially as you also allow yourself private time to deal with grief and feelings of vulnerability. We're all watching and learning!

Book, I don't think people do change, in general, very much, do they? - except, perhaps, when they have cathartic or life-altering experiences and the good fortune to be able to learn from those? But, on the other hand, I think the other thing that tends not to change - unless we MAKE it happen - is our own perception of other people. My sister bullied me, relentlessly. She had her reasons. When I was small of course I didn't understand them, I just knew she seemed to hate me and I couldn't fathom what I'd done. Now I do understand, better than I did anyway. Her perception of me - spoiled, selfish, useless, irresponsible, idiotic, sneaky, whiney, unreliable, untruthful (nice image to have reflected back at me, isn't it?!) - hasn't changed since the days when she was a neglected older child/teenager and I was a baby/primary schooler: she's got no motivation to see me any differently. But my understanding of why she's so hostile to me makes it much easier for me to deflect her. God knows it still winds me up often enough, but not all the time and not so painfully. I admit it's a great comfort to think that, in due time, I'll never have to deal with her again unless - for some reason I can't imagine at the moment! - I choose to. I still regret the waste, but it doesn't upset me any more.