The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Wow... your sister never changed from childhood, also.

Thx book These past months - really since the summer - have been increasingly stressful as mother's paranoia has increased.Then my sister's interference and abuse has ramped up the stress considerably since November. Add onto that my girlfriend dying at Christmas, and my ex's health deteriorating, two major people in my support system, and it is not surprising. I am strong but everyone has their breaking point and I have been getting too close to mine. I wont break. I'll do something to prevent it, but as you know, it is not nice getting that close.

One thing about mother's paranoid accusations, which has surprised me, is that I realised that they are not too different from the accusations I have had all my life. Her ideas and thoughts are bizarre, but the accusations in the past were as senseless as now in terms of what I had supposedly done to deserve them. It brought me back to one of my earliest childhood memories of playing with my toys and mother descending upon me like the wrath of God, furious with me about something, my sister standing behind her with this little smile, and me wondering what I had done to deserve this. This pattern has been repeated again and again and again and was in the past few months with my sister's visit and the fallout.

Part of my stress is also coming from what I anticipate is coming from sis and perhaps from mother as the changes that are coming occur. If mother remains medicated her reactions should be muted. I am covering my butt, as regards my sister's branch of the family by keeping my nephew - her son - informed about what is happening, but sparing myself by not communicating with sis. Her son is somewhat estranged from his mother and will not pass info on to her. He has a very good understanding about how nasty she is.

Thankfully my BP is back to normal this morning, but it would be good to get it lower, which I can do, then when I get upset it won't go so high. When I weighed myself this morning I was only 5 lbs not 10 more. I had an extra layer of clothing on yesterday because of the cold, and morning weight is lower and when I usually weigh myself, so 5 more than last summer. Would not do me any harm to lose 10 to 15 lbs and I will aim at that. Both those things make me feel better as they are not as bad as I thought yesterday, (((((hugs)))) to you.

Emjo, to me, in my mind, you are such a strong person. When I read that you've been crying off and on, I realized how much stress you must have been going through with regards to your mother. I think, too, that to have to constantly face her and her personality, was bringing back memories you thought were in the past. These memories have a habit of popping up when we don't want it to. I'm soooo glad that you both will be going on a cruise! {{Hugs}} !!!!

Sharyn, I'm not familiar of your pain and what causes it. I'm wondering... Have you tried searching (online?) for Natural ways of preventing it? For example, someone I know flew on a long flight from Japan to the West Coast. Upon arrival, her back was in so much pain, she could barely walk. The whole time she was on vacation and going to Disneyland (her young son was with them), she was on the wheelchair with severe backpain. They saw a chiropractor. And then she saw a medical doctor. He gave her 2 options - back surgery or exercise to strengthen her back. But, he thought that the surest way to rid of her pain was surgery. So, she spoke to people and found out that several of her friends had the back surgery and their pain came back again. In the end, she saw a sports doctor who showed her some very good exercises she can do to strengthen her back. Although, the norm is to have back surgery, she did the Alternative method.

Can this also be the case with your situation? I always get legs cramps at nights. I stretch in my sleep and then wake up with severe cramps. I recall googling info and found some very good tips to avoid this. I need to refresh my memory because it's baaaaack.

For all those muscular aches and pains, try Biofreeze. It is hard to find here, I've only seen it in chiropractors or physical therapy offices. Prescription is not needed, it is along the lines of Bengay, but keep it away from the elders so they don't brush their teeth with it. I love Biofreeze, wouldn't use anything else now. Also, do a google search for Theracane, it is shaped like, you guessed it a cane, about 2 feet long, green plastic, that is excellent to use for releasing all those pinched nerves I often get in my neck and shoulders. It is absolutely magical.

Sharyn - I have seen that in your sis since I knew you on AC. Maybe it is getting worse as sis ages and is ill, though I remember about the week ends some time ago. It is all about her. I am so sorry that you are having all this physical pain too. The stress hits us one way or another. I want pics on f b of your crocheting!

book - I do think that meds could help you. It is terrible how your dad treats you and your sis. Very sad. Glad you are getting through some of the boundary book. I find it easier to listen to readings if I can get the audio. As far as beliefs go we all have them and I suspect most of us have had some changes in our beliefs over the years. I am not a ritual or a denominational person. For me it is a matter of the heart and communication between me and God as I understand Him

Margeaux - I agree that book deserves to have time for herself and the tv to unwind - maybe even needs more than deserves, but that too.

cm - glad the emulgel worked - bad backs are very hard to take.

Alison - take care of your back - you are far too young for those problems. Any word from bro??? Another inconsiderate sib!!!

pst - yes "non-believers" covers a lot of ground. I think that our daily lives reflect our beliefs.

update on mother - Monday had a long chat with the psychiatrist, and today with the social worker. They asked if I had any questions. I did - basically what lies ahead for mother. Answer - It will depend on the outcome of some in-depth testing - OT for physical functioning and psychological for cognition, looking to see if there is any underlying disease process affecting the paranoia. I doubt there is but I know they have to check. Non compliance re the meds is pretty common for someone with mother's problems. The psych doc also asked me some history re mother and I found dredging up some of those memories a bit gut wrenching and I have been tearful off and on since. I think they have copies of all the paper work they need - POA, PD etc., other than the Goals of Care which is a newer tiered version of the old DNR where you choose level of care e.g. ICU or not and so on. I will send my kids each a copy and ask for their input as well as Gary's. I think we will be at the lowest level or one next to it. If she gets an infection I think it should be treated, but not much more than that. The Social Worker just called again to confirm some things and find out about other levels of care at mother's ALF. I told her what I knew and she will talk to them to get more details.

So it is moving, but slowly which is fine. The test results for level of functioning from the OT will come fairly quickly - maybe by the time I see them on the 25th, but the psychological testing is backed up, so will not happen for a while and then the results need to be written up, so mother will be in there for some time I think. That gives me a break.

One thing, the social worker said today which hit home, was that the mentally ill person goes their merry way and leaves family to pick up the pieces and deal with the mess. Truth with a capital T! I know lots of you will identify with that. I also told her that I would not be having much contact with mother as the past months have been hard on me and I had to look after myself.

She agreed totally and emphasized it - so all of you out there - we have it officially - we have to take care of ourselves.

In line with that, I saw my new doc, got a prescription I needed and he checked my BP and weight and said both should come down. BP is up about 15 points, and weight up about 10 lbs from last summer. neither is surprising. So it is time to reduce stress and concentrate on my health. I cry too easily these days. Saw the bank lady and had the mail redirected to me. She s always so helpful and supportive, so I cried on the way home.

Gary says holidays are in March - not sure when, but the cruise part is the Bahamas. Woo Hoo! Good motivation to lose the lbs The land part is in Florida. So things are looking up. Even having the crazy phone calls stop is a big help. Having professionals working to get things going right is an enormous help. One deals with this stuff alone, most of one's life as you all know.

Snowing again, but no wind when I was out which helps. Supposed to be warming up, I'll believe it when I see it or when March arrives, but we are counting weeks now before the end of the bitter cold. Another winter survived.

Take care all and look after you,

Margeaux, when mom was alive and bedridden, I installed a baby monitor and slept in my room. I have mentioned to you all of our local beliefs - strong beliefs - of our ancient ancestors spirits dwelling with us, following us off-island if we move one-way from home. Our house has 2 rooms that I have described as "dead" room and "haunted" room. Of the 2, I always feel unwelcomed in the "dead" room. The "haunted" room is the scary room. I, my family and even in-laws - feel uncomfortable in it, our hairs raise up, and we usually rush through it. Fave niece absolutely refuses to go thru that room. I have learned at an early age to Hold my pee in at nights to avoid going thru those rooms to get to the bathroom.

One night, the monitor came on with mom struggling to breathe. I figured she was choking on her saliva/phlegm, and rushed out to the livingroom. She was sleeping quietly. I HATED having to go back thru the uncomfortable hallway and the haunted room to get to my bedroom. I got on my bed. A few minutes later, mom was struggling to breathe (harsh breathing/choking), I jumped off the bed and ran into the livingroom. Again, she was sleeping very quietly. No gasping, no hitching of breathe. Again, I forced myself to go thru those rooms. I was puzzling over this. Finally, when the Third time she was choking, a light bulb popped in my head. Darn! I was sooo terrified, I prayed to God to please let the monitor stop when I Unplug it from the wall. (I watched enough scary movies to know that the sound can continue to come out of the monitor - even if unplugged.)

Years later, fave sis got her first grandchild. I gave them a baby monitor. Freaked them out at nights - because noises came out of the monitor - not only at nights, but even the day time. Monitor got thrown out.

For me to sleep in my bedroom at night, we need a monitor. I cannot hear him from my room. I absolutely refuse to get a monitor. {{shudder}} I will continue to sleep in the livingroom. BUT, I sure miss sleeping in my bedroom! =)

Voltaren Gel is by RX only here in the US. My insurance won't cover anything unless a generic. I do agree CM, it is a fantastic drug for reducing inflammation without the side effects of taking it orally. I used it in the past for tendonitis and plantar fascitis. I have been dealing with this in my back for about a week, had it well under control then last night at work, I felt a twinge again. I think it may be a pulled muscle (really not sure), 600mg of motrin, rotating ice and heat is all I can do, dr will only give muscle relaxers which knock me out completely.

Pennsaid, seems to be diclofenac's topical formulation's brand name in the US. If you look it up you'll probably refuse to handle it unless you're wearing lead-lined gloves… You might need a px to get it, or ask your pharmacist. The big hoo-ha is mainly about increased risk of heart attack in patients with an existing vulnerability, but if your heart is fine and you're not swallowing the stuff I'd still say it's worth a go.

I was prescribed a modified release tablet about ten years ago to treat RSI/carpel tunnel syndrome; but stopped pretty promptly. It helped my wrist but the side effects (bleeding from the b.t.m.) were a bit alarming... :/

Well, non-believers covers a lot of ground. I believe in God and I have read some major religious books such as Old Testament, New Testament, Torah, Koran and they ALL say to live a clean life, protect widows and orphans and avoid non-believers. They all mention angels as messengers, they all warn that evil resides where you least expect it. I was raised Roman Catholic, but at the advanced age of 62, I want you to believe in my humanity and not judge me by my ritual.

ABB, usual brand name here is - tsk, it'll come to me… - Voltarol. Hope it hasn't been banned in the States, or something… I'll have a look.

"Diclofenac emulgel"? I have a bad spasm in lower middle back the goes off at night and won't let me sleep. But I've never heard of a topical by this name… I suppose I could Google and come up with answers, but more fun to ask you, CM, what the heck is diclofenec emulgel? I think its just fun to say the name… ok, I'm jazzed up on my morning coffee again. :D

Book,

Good golly Ms. Molly, "jguilt," that's a total typo.
Margeaux

Bookluvr,
Sorry, something happened before I could proof my post, then suddenly whamo, it appeared. I meant to say, actions, and "I take my hat off, not hate, sorry about that.
Margeaux

Bookluvr,
It's interesting that you seem to give these people around you, now I'm talking about your siblings that they consider themselves such "believers." I've learned in my own lifetime...I've been raised Catholic, too. But sometimes unfortunately, these kind of believers employ a great disparity between the religious dogma,
THEIR skewed interpretations, and their horrible deeds. There's nothing as far as I can see that's part of genuine Catholicism and your siblings deciding to become greedy and keep this money you wrote about when your mom died.
Even if you personally feel as if you have gone by the wayside w/in your religion, you still honor your parent, by the obligation and the good that you do for your father, despite the challenges. Heck, your siblings for instance can say all they want, put on airs about being Catholics. But their action truly reek of hypocrisy. Try to recognize that, because I keep hearing a lot of jguilt coming from the way you are analyzing your own contributions about caregiving.

About the detachment......if you think that between you and your sister you're spoiling your dad, nothing is going to happen to him if you opt to sleep in your own bedroom. Honestly, I take my hate off to all caregivers, but definitely for those of you who live w/them, the detaching has to be really like a discipline.
If tv makes you unwind.....then you do have to put that on as the priority in the bigger pic w/your dad, instead of giving in to him, and his endless demands. A little indifference can go a long way!
O.K., big, big hugs,

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie, I wasn't expecting much of it but slapped some diclofenac emulgel on my back when I twanged it last week - blooming miraculous, I was amazed. I'm sure it depends on what you've done, but hope this might be worth a try? Be careful with diclofenac, I'm not suggesting taking it orally except on medical advice, but in that formula it worked a treat for me.

Book~When you say non believers, I know you mean non members of your church. Your sister has been through a lot like my sister. Well, I was doing good getting my back in shape rotating ice and heat...yesterday it felt really good. Now, it feels like one big spasm on my right side. Calling off work this time, can't work like this. I wish I had a vicodine!

ABB, I put the name Klonopin on my cell phone notes. If I can just remember it when I see the doc about my follow-up blood tests/mammo, etc.. I think I really do need some kind of meds. Still have reservation about it but...

I will make it a goal to read a few paragraphs of the Boundary book each day. I do much better visually. I think after I'm done doing his pampers (pretty soon), I will google for any YouTube videos on lectures of how or ways to detach and set boundary. I learn more that way than reading it.

Sharyn, I like to hear about your sis. It makes her real in my mind. I can just "see" her - and not just a flat person of no personality.

With regards to my oldest sis, she, too grew up from a dysfunctional childhood. She married an abusive husband. She married him to get out of home. that's just what my other 4 sisters did - marry/get pregnant and move out young - to leave our very dysfunctional home. Sis had a nervous breakdown when hubby divorced her. Landed her in the hospital. Then she went to therapy and came out hating our parents. For years, she would do her daughterly duties to visit for xmas, bdays, etc... but she rarely looked at our parents or talked to them. The anger/hatred was there for a long long time. When father had his stroke, she was the only one I could turn to - to come Mon-Friday to babysit both bedridden parents. I truly, truly did not think she would do it. Because she avoided them like the plague when she visited. So, I threw in - paying her - if she babysat. She has no job, no desire to get one, and is a chain smoker. I feel so bad for her. I hear her laughing hysterically in her room at nights. Or getting mad. Father.. if you all think what he does to me is bad? He is much much worse to her. He treats her like a Drudge. He tries to do that with me but... my temper flares and give it back to him as he dishes it to me. So, he knows he's safe to treat sis sooo badly - very bad - his tone of voice to her. I may get his physical blows, but she gets decimated by his verbal abuses. He has trained her so well {{this said in sadness.}}

Joan~I have to detach from my sister, I am seeing to many warning flags of the personality issues and self importance showing more and more. 1) Others are responsible for her well being and must accommodate her needs. 2) Her job is more important and her employer can't get by without her in addition, to that her job is her social life. 3) Her weekends are just that...don't bother her because she has things to do... I could go on but do not want to get into a full blown rant, LOL!!

Have a good night everyone.
,

ocd -wondering how you are. I know you are in a nearly impossible situation. Know we are rooting for you. Come back and let us know how you are. (((((((hugs))))))

Alison, I think you are very wise to be cautious about your mum. Glad you can et the guilt go and know that the caring may have to be done at a distance. I agree with cm - re your father - it is not your fault. I am concerned that your bro is not going to do anything about moving your dad. Have you planned how you are going to make your exit? I would not rely on your bro - I think he is happy to have you there and he hadn't shown much consideration for you. In your own interests I think I would look for places for your dad, and set a deadline when you have set things up for yourself when you are going to leave. Have you talked to the local Agency on Aging and/or Social Services about how you are feeling? You definitely need some help and support and your family doesn't give it to you. I doubt that you can rely on bro. Glad the meds is helping.

Iwent - glad something positive happened in court. Obviously the family do not care.

SA I think we all want peace - I too wonder what my life would have been like without my mother's influence. It is a long haul...

thx Austin - I am so glad there is a happy ending to your story

book - detaching is something I have had to work on, It doesn't happen all at once
“Boundaries” by Dr.Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townshend is great. Others here use it.
New2 - detaching is very valuable when dealing with the crazies. None of us do it perfectly

Sharyn - I am glad you are detaching from sis That was very inconsiderate.

Talk about feeling invisible to family - seems to happen like my sis deciding to move mother with no consultation with me though I have POA. Well, it didn't work for her. I put on my blue tights, my tuna cans, magic bracelets and the tiara. You have to go on the offensive sometimes. They seem to want you on the defensive.
Things happening with mother - I'll start another post for that.

It’s the mentality that we don’t have a job (or if we do, it’s not as important as theirs) and therefore they think nothing of not updating/relieving us. I have a low paying job but I have the flexibility to call the boss at home and say that I cannot come to work today because I need to take my father to the ER or clinic, etc..

Alison-you sound like me with my sister...same kind of situation.

Bro never showed yesterday with dad, never called either. I guess I just sit around and wait to see if they show up. This is the kind of thing that happens all too often. Family just acting as if my time and life are irrelevant. I try not to offend easily, and really, I'm not so much offended as I am bewildered by these people I'm related to. I sent texts/emails trying to see if there was new plan or timeframe for return? No answer. Sigh.

Book, I had previously held a belief that there was a way to deal with all negative emotions - through talking it out with a girlfriend, or going for a run, etc. In caregiving, though, I found myself with these intensely bad feelings of anxiety, panic, worry, anger, etc., etc. You know what I'm talking about. Well, I didn't know anything, really, about Klonopin, but for me - and just speaking about my own personal experience - it has given me ability to stop the panic and worry and take a step back and view the situation from my more logical brain. I think if there wasn't such an overload of bad emotions, at times, that are present when we are live in, full time caregivers to abusive and negative people, that maybe we could "work things out" without the meds. But I see now that I NEED to be able to take that emotional step back and gain control of my emotions. Detaching is part of this, I think, the medication just helps do it inside of my head automatically, if that makes sense? I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to say what is right for anyone else, but I'm personally thankful for the tool of medication to help keep things in perspective right now.

Thanks, for understanding. I have always struggled with THAT teaching. Even when I was age 23, I absolutely Refused to give up my relationship with my fave sis, who is a Catholic. My whole family are Catholics. I always cringed when I would attend our "spiritual food" and they talk about separating ourselves from non-believers. I always felt so guilty when I would run into a fellow believer when I'm out shopping/eating with sis and her family.

When my mom died last year, my relatives were shocked that I attended my mom's mass of intentions. Trust me, I felt sooooo guilty sitting in the church with all those statues. Although she was my mom, I did not want to be disrespectful by Obviously Not participating. So, I sat on the way back pew but I felt so Guilty. They will be doing mom's 1st anniversary, with the mass again. This time, I will not go. P.S.... I DID enjoy the Catholic masses but sure not worth the fear of "getting caught."

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone by saying "non-believers." I'm also being torn about my religion.... what I believed at age 23 is not the same as what I believe at age 48. Know what I mean? Every thing seems to change when you're a caregiver full time. You see your true nature of your siblings.

Don't worry...spiritual leader is doing house visits trying to "encourage" me. =(

Book, non believers I don't think that is possible and be a caregiver. There is no one else to turn to. Everyone spends time on their knee,. sometimes it is praying other just cleaning the bathroom floor, or even both. There can not be any sin in helping others and that surely is what you are doing by contributing.

I'm not saying a word. I don't want Book self-excluding from the forum. Book, we love you xxx

non believers, book???? I am a believer and some others here are.

Just being here, on this site, is a No-No. I do a lot of no-nos. But, abandoning the parent is a Big No-No. I can't do that. I can disobey on the smaller things but not the big ones... to a point. If I feel that this site is corrupting my morals (what's left of it with all these decades of caregiving...), I am obligated to quit here. So far, so good. Would I "confess" that I'm on an online forum with "non-believers" to my spiritual leaders? Heck, No!!! If they ask me specifically, then I must tell them. If they don't ask, then I don't volunteer - as long as my conscience is okay with it...so far, so good. ... Thanks, for brainstorming. Midnight here. Time to dry my hair and go to sleep. night....