The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Can't. Obligations.

Lwen-
Are you a beneficiary of the trust? Most trust documents permit withdrawal from the trust to pay for education.

Book-
It may be time to start on your bucket list by leaving the island. Seems you posted somewhere that you anticipate layoff this year. Have you started looking for something else? Maybe your time has come. Where would you go? I think you have a sister in Colorado, would you be able to tolerate the cold here or staying with her?

New2 – I have sooo many self-help books. I was desperate on trying to help me, the person, that I bought the book “Loving Someone who has Dementia.” I didn’t get to finish it. I’m still in the early chapters but that book helped me to realize that I had already mourned the mother I will never get to know. I got that book as an Ebook.

Because I really need to learn to set boundaries, I spent a while on Amazon trying to find the right book. I don’t remember why I bought this book, but I chose a Real book (paperback) so that I can bend the pages, highlight it, and put stick it notes for easy finding… The book is “Boundaries” by Dr.Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townshend.

I really need to start learning to set boundaries. At the moment, I’ve been so frustrated with my life, that I’ve been losing my temper left and right. I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied with my “status quo” of my life. My thoughts are dark. And with the added worry of my follow-up mammo and the ultrasound next week, I am super stress out. Because at the moment, my father’s voice just sets me off, I really need a vacation or weekend off from him. Since that’s not going to happen any time soon, I better start learning to detach and not lose my temper.

Austin, Sharyn, thanks for the tips on setting boundaries. Sharyn, I think sis and I spoil father. One of us is Always in the room with 24 hours. I even sleep out here in the livingroom with him but I get the sofa bed. Just lastnight, he got angry at me. I lost my temper and gave it right back. He wanted me to turn off the TV but I need the TV to de-stress (and to drown out his tales of woes, which he repeats all day, all week, and months....) I lost it and told him that I can turn off the TV but I will go into my bedroom to watch it, then. I have left him alone for about 1 hour when I do my bi-weekly ironing. By 2 weeks, I have Lots of slacks/blouses to iron. Ironing is soooo relaxing.

Iwent - All right! Good for you! It's too bad that you don't get paid at least for something. So, how does the court expect you to pay off your loan? Are you allowed to find an outside parttime job, then? If not, then maybe you can send the loan officer to the court to re-write the decision.

ABB, I agree when your thoughts start leaning towards him/yourself, it’s time to deal with the situation. Don’t let it fester on like me. If you have plans of leaving your father/home, you need to do it now – while he’s still mentally competent. Find an apartment nearby, and a job. Visit your father. When he gets really bad, you can then call APS on him. No guaranty that they will step in. I’ve read here on AC that sometimes they will only interfere when the elderlies’ home is very filthy and unhygienic, and they lost so much weight from not eating or … almost burned down the house (as in caused a fire in the kitchen.)

If you remain in the same home as your father, by DEFAULT, the authorities will view you as his caregiver. If you walk out, knowing he was incompetent, you can be charged for elderly abuse. So, you need to figure out NOW what it is you want to do. If you stay longer, you will end up like me. No one will step in to help me. It’s not their problem. And they really do believe that.

Now, lecturing or trying to explain to him the Dangers of Cooking in the bedroom will not work. If he’s stubborn like my father, he knows best and we don’t. BUT, my father Will listen to MALES but not females. (Females know nothing.) I hope your brother did talk to him. Your father might listen more to a male than a female.

So, the Klonopin works? Maybe I can ask for that if I continue to feel this way.

Lwen, good news! Did she not have access to her money before? Was there termination of POA or trustee position?

I just want to add that I am currently detaching from my sister. I am not emailing her or asking her if she knows how the estate liquidators are coming along...nothing from me. The final straw for me was when my sister knew 2 days in advance that our mothers facility was on lock down due to a virus...they do not want us to visit right now. It may be the Noro Virus that is very contagious and is common in facilities. They are on lock down by the health department. My sister should have emailed me about this before mom's birthday because she knew I was going to visit mom. First I was going to take mom to lunch, which I told my sis that was my plan. How can I take mom to lunch when sis was taking her out for a late brunch at 10am. Sis had them escort mom out of the facility so she could take her out. In light of that,. I decided I would visit with mom, bring Midget with me, go for walk weather permitting and bring her her favorite cookies.Because I did not know about the virus, I was not allowed to stay. If it situation were that I knew 2 days in advance, I would have emailed my sis to inform of this. My sis only thinks about how she does things and that everyone is like her plus with her health issues, she would think I was only thinking about her safety. I guess to her I am invincible and can handle the exposure?? As a result, I have not made any attempt to email or call her. She has not made any attempt to call or email me either. When and if she does contact me, I will tell her I am angry that she did not give me the courtesy of informing me of something that is important to all of us.

Book and Alison~More on detaching though you have been given great info from Austin, I found with my mother, she would get angry, hang up on me, say very hurtful accusations, and name calling, but after a few weeks, she would get over it. Of course, I did not live with her and that does make a difference. I agree that when you live with them, leave the room, go outside if necessary, and if your parent can be left along for an hour or 2, leave for that time frame.
Iwentanon~At least there was progress. Is there anyway you can do computer work from home giving you some income. I know you already have your hands full, if you go out grocery shopping...check into becoming a mystery shopper. We have them at my grocery store but I don't know how you become one...I have been told most ads are scams because they want you pay some $$ upfront.

UPDATE...Court was today...UPDATE

Even though I am not getting paid, I do get to move into a single family home situation, with our 87 year old (as opposed to a noisy apartment) I will not have to pay rent, that will be paid by the estate, the other sides claim, that I am not a family member fell on deaf ears today, THEY SAID, " I SHOULD MOVE OUT FOR NOT CONTRIBUTING",(but I have paid my third share of rent and bills) the guardian, the GAL(said she continues to look better than she did two years ago when she was removed from AL(she was in friendship village) and the bank vice president reminded the lawyer(for the dysfunctional sibs, that 24/7 care costs $22.00 an hour or $ 250.00) our 87 year old was also awarded $1,000.00 a month allowance to cover her expenses per month...

A small victory, but a victory still the same...

195Austin,
This is so true: "when the sky does not fall you will feel empowered to continue".

BookLuvr,
What is the title of the book you referred to on detaching?
I too am working on detaching. It takes work. I was doing more "hit & miss" when I first got advice on how detaching would help me deal with my mother's narcissist personality and with her Dementia. I think it detaching takes time. I think of it as protecting your mental and physically health. Detaching is the least thing I can do for myself considering I have made so many sacrifices and my life is on hold now.
Now I'm able to detach more consistently. I am still learning how to not let her behavior get to me, even when I am detaching. Reacting to her is not healthy so I walk away. However, I do have moments when it get's to me and I blow up.

To detatch take baby steps at first with the husband when he hollored an order I pretented I did not hear and sweetly said after a few min. oh did you call I was down the hall and did not hear you-take small steps and when the sky does not fall you will feel empowered to continue-Book with you Dad when he says mean things to you leave the room even if he is not fully dressed let him stew for a few minutes and maybe say I do not deserve to be treated that way or just say it to yourself-take away something he likes-if it costs him something he wants he may behave. I stoped taking the husband to my brother's house for affairs and one time he asked to go with me-I said no he replied I will behave this time I said no it is too late for that-I stopped taking him to church after a temper tantrum where he refused to get out of the car-I asked the elder to pick him up once a month-that never happened. Start small and with each success you will get your power back from him-he treats you like shit-that is probably why your family does not help-they see how he acts to you and they do not want any of that-he only has you to care for him-your sister may be there but she does not do everything that needs to be done when there.

That's a pretty good way to go with this, CM, if it comes to that. I was conjuring up all kinds of having to call different places/people to report if he won't come to his senses with this, but actually just having local fire in our little township say a word to him may just do the trick. Ok, that's a bright thought. We shall see how this goes. I feel I'm waiting to walk the plank or for my turn at guillotine or something, lol. Thank Heavens for the meds, I can laugh and not get too panicky. I'll get through it. : ) You guys are the best.

I know most fire departments are happy to give talks to school children. Wonder if they would think about doing the same for elders? Just an idea - it can't hurt to ask?

Oh my… I may have made some progress in my thinking (aka, "seen the light") but I'm freaking out right now. Bro is on his way right now to bring my father back after few days of absence.

My dad is just a stubborn, horses' bottom when it comes to asking him to make changes. My dad has been cooking - with a pan, burner, toaster, etc. - in his bedroom, and this last time he took off with bro he left pan on, burner on. I had a big mess to clean and its obviously fire hazard. I cleaned the room, and told bro to PLEASE help me explain to our dad why he can't COOK in his BEDROOM.

This is sort of a silly post, maybe. But my state of panic and the tears in my eyes tell me everything I need to know: I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of the battles and the disrespect. I'm tired of being blamed that I am not being more accommodating to my crazy father's way of life… after all, he was here (in the house) first.

Ok, just needed to vent. I've never been very trusting of anxiety or anti depressant meds, but Dr has me on Klonopin. I just took 2 of those suckers just now and hoping for the best, that when dad gets here in a little bit he won't throw violent tantrum when he sees I removed the burner and toaster. I hope it doesn't come to me having to report him, or call in outside help to deal with this issue… its an obvious fire hazard, but dad thinks he can do as he damn well pleases. And my other family backs him up on this, says that I am the problem, not him.

Thanks for your support and prayers. Its become an intolerable situation for me, although I tried so hard to do what I believed was the "right thing," the "loving thing."

Bro didn't do a thing to advance getting my father moved during past week while he had him in Indy, but I'm certain bro will be asking me what I've done about it. My answer? Nothing more. I'm doing not a darn thing more. I've done what I am willing to do. I still shovel the drive, clean the house, clean my father's clothes, buy food for him… I am still doing what I am willing to do. But no more increasing responsibilities, as if I somehow became default caregiver forever for my dad… and on ZERO financial help of any kind, by the way. I let that situation progress, I realize now. But its been so chaotic and crazy the entire time… there wasn't time to gain perspective, just to do, go forward, get through each new crisis.

So yeah, a few months of rest and I came out the other side with a new attitude. You know what pushed the line? I started having thoughts about hurting my father, or myself. I realized that that was such a cry for help from inside of me. So. I must go.

Deep breath. Only a few more months, maybe weeks, if I'm lucky, and I can feel again what its like to have peace in one's own home. I haven't felt that in a very long time.

(((HUGS)))

Alison,
Congratulations! You've really made some progress in your thinking.
I remember when you would post.....and given your stories, at some point I got it that you were very much in copasetic mode. But at some point as I'm sure you will agree that just doesn't work for some of us any more, does it?
Sometimes, I wanted to write more to you in the past, but I often felt that you were stuck to the idea that your family was going to behave differently with you, and that you were going out of your way to try to make things nice. I've done this. When we grow up in dysfunctional families, unfortunately the children who are relied upon the most, such as yourself (you cared for grandma), we aren't allowed a sense of self. Anyway, from your recent post, it sounds as if you've finally made some real head way here. You've done the best for your dad. When you find the proper place, he's going to be fine.
Rest, and real proud to hear you are looking at this at a very different angle!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Ocd,
Welcome to our thread.
You childhood must have been very difficult, and if your mother didn't believe such a terrible event, this is beyond unbelievable! I too am an oldest daughter, and had many many challenges taking care of my parent's kids. Lot's of neglect too.
You are quite a strong woman to have taken on the task of caregiving definitely under the circumstances.
Well, you sound very clear about the fact that you do not want her in your home.
Congratulations for that, because many times many caregivers are very conflicted about this issue. I'm sure you could find a place where her needs would be met.
May I suggest also, that you try not to make it your responsibility that you think she will not behave, since it is followed by you not having a life. That is her choice.
You have choices too, remember. You may also want to read up about a narcissistic personality. Their behavior is tied up into making their victims feel, responsible, guilty and obligated. IMO, you sound on the threshold of not going there, but having the knowledge about these conditions will empower you. Do come back and share, read other's situations, as you will learn much here.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

ABB - just this bit:

"...I would not be attending my father's funeral - if it were tomorrow, or any time soon. Its not his fault, it was mine. He hasn't changed, he's same selfish creep he's always been."

I get what you mean, I think, about your perhaps having been wrong to think he could change or might be different. But your fault? No. NOT your fault. Your rational, just and legitimate choice.

It makes me so happy to hear that you're planning your way back to health. Go go go! x

Still trying to figure out how to properly detach and not the hit-or-miss kind. Even bought a book on it and never even opened it.

Joan you are so important to all of us. What has helped me with dysfunctional family members is to try to take their power away from them and to me. Near the end with my mother I did not know that about 2 weeks later she would leave us-while on vacation when she yelled at me about using the AC I had a light bulb moment where I said to myself her remark does not hurt me-she has lost her power finally to make me feel bad-I detatched from her causing me pain-her severe dislike of me would never hurt me again and it didn't-the same with the husband near the end of his life -his dislike of me did not matter anymore that was freeing to me-maybe this thought can help others-it was hard fought and what I learned from all of you about narcissisctic people brought me out of darkness and self dislike to new knowledge of my worth.

ABB, I feel you. God, do I feel you. I went through the same thing with my mom, from my earliest memories. One of the things that would freak me out about my mom as a really young kind were her out of the blue silent treatments. One day, she'd be talking to me and the next day she'd go completely and totally silent. If I talked to her she ignored me completely. Wouldn't say a single word to me at all, wouldn't look at me or acknowledge my existence at all. I was totally confused by this behavior as a young kid. I remember feeling lost, not knowing what to do or why she was being like that and I remember just feeling so afraid. I remember trying to comfort her somehow when she got like that but she'd tell me to get out and leave her alone... I was probably about 4-5 when this started, or at least when my memories about that kind of thing started, from one day to the other never knowing what or who I was going to be confronted with...the screaming banshee that hunted me or the silent statue that didn't see me.. The not knowing kept me completely off balance...I remember waking up with a sense of dread, feeling like I was walking on thin ice all the time, never knowing what would set my mom off and not knowing which beast would be unleashed this go round... It was insanity at it's finest, the craziest funhouse and scary clowns with sharp teeth popping up around every corner...I just retreated to fantasy land every chance I got...and I still do that to this day.... I love online dragon games. I love fantasy tv, art, books, you name it. Fantasy always has been and always will be, my escape from reality...

Sadness and pain indeed. It's a pain so huge and monsterous that I don't allow myself to ever think too hard about just how scary that level of pain is...God, what my mom's influence has done to my mind... It's the kind of pain that leaves you with two choices...break, or fight. One or the other. Taking steps in the right direction, doing positive, good things for yourself, making good decisions, are all the right steps... Getting over these parents is a life long, up hill battle. You're dealing with one of the biggest betrayals there ever will be. Because of this kind of up bringing, you will fight for survival every single day until someday, some long day down the road, you reach the summit of that pit and you finally start seeing the sun again.... It's a long, tough haul, a constant struggle for every inch of recovery and goodness, out of that hell... You need determination, will power and a spine of steel to climb out of this dark place... Nothing worth having is ever easy...

But there is light, lord yes.... Please... And I want more of it. I want normal. I want peace. That's all. Peace. For once.

In the next to last paragraph, it is suppose to read, "I know when I made the report"

The POA had her over Thanksgiving, she came back disheveled, in the same clothes, disorientated...he will never get her again...

Sort of that is true, but not really. This whole thing is a mess, what person works for "free" voluntarily for the rest of their life? When everything went to court, I thought the court would do the responsible thing and PAY THE CAREGIVER, I have no standing in the court, but it just seems odd that people would expect me to be the responsible party and not even ask me to caregive, where I could say yeah or nay, or ask to be paid. Why is this hard to fathom? I am a recent college graduate with student loans to pay off, that in spite of my own disabilities have managed this feat and have college debt. They were smug enough to say that the ward, our 87 year old, did not create my college debt, what does that have to do with bee's knees...but it is in the courts doing that I am not getting paid,
I believe the GAL, bank and guardian have each others backs on this one, i just wanted to not have to wait until the end (when I will probably be an emotional mess) and look like a money grubbing a------ and challenge the trust. I just thought if it weren't a freebie, the dysfunctional people would at least value me,respect me (the way they act??? I am nothing more than a subservient freeloader, but wait a minute, they might think they have permission to order me around or tell me off, hey wait a minute, I am talking about dysfunctional people)...

I don't know when i made the report for senior abuse and neglect almost 3 years ago, It is being proved in court, that the POAs were and are incompetent, that is today in about 4 hours...don't worry my records...ARE METICULOUS.

I guess I will just have to challenge the trust, when that time comes.
It has been seven + years...

Thank you, emjo. My mother plays sort of a strange role in all of this, but if I'm honest with myself, looking back she's been pretty consistent. Her accusations of my "selfishness" and her opinion that I would financially abuse my father have been some of the tougher spots along this crazy caregiving route. I'm still not sure what her diagnosable medical condition would be, but I will tell you that she is an entirely different person from day to day. Right now, I have a mother that is somewhat comforting and sweet to me. But I realize now, this will change at any given moment based on nothing I did or do. You guys, on this thread, really have helped me to see that very clearly for what it is. And so going forward, my relationship with my mother will be guarded, but not unfriendly… but guarded out of necessity. Maybe a little bit like how you describe your own relationship with your mom. And when my mother cries to me that "we (she and I) don't have a close relationship," (which btw, she only seems to actually want now and then) I will not feel guilty anymore, but will try to be a caring person towards her regardless. I think this is best I can do.

(((((Alison))))) you spent the last few months well, figuring out what you need to do. I think we all have fallen into that pit, crawled out and fallen in again several times. That self confidence does not always serve us well. There may come a point where we can no longer go on as we were. If we keep getting hurt we have to protect ourselves. Part of the problem is the co dependency that we learned from childhood where other's needs come first. We need to grow past that to putting ourselves, our needs, higher on our list of priorities. We need to be able to put us first and feel good about it.

Relationship with family at what cost indeed? I have faced that one, and kept trying and I no longer can. I will fulfill my duties as POA, PD, and will distance myself as I need. I have pulled back before then come forward again, and pulled back and so on. Each time I have pulled further back. As far as my sis is concerned the distance will remain, As far as my mother is concerned I will do what I have to, as long as the cost to me is not too great.

I am glad that you are DONE and looking for jobs and a place to live in Chicago. It is wonderful that you GET IT - that you know your feelings and quality of life count. It is not selfish, it IS necessary.

Prayers, Alison, for this transition to go smoothly. I notice you have not mentioned your mother. I hope the distancing incudes her.

After reading through some of these recent posts, and seeing my own situation echoed in many of yours, I realize with great clarity that I created a big emotional pitfall for myself when I naively thought I could help an elderly father who was both abusive to me and neglectful of me as a child. There was a lifetime of bad feelings, but I was in such a good place in my mid 30s, so beyond that bad childhood, so sure of my independence and strength. I had no idea it could still touch me… and not just touch me, but break my heart all over again.

To those of you who feel any guilt over having to distance yourself from caregiving to your aging parents - whether that is physical distance or emotional detachment - all I can say is I understand why we have to do it. I've given up any rationalizations I used to give myself about why I could go on doing and giving…. I can't anymore, not under current circumstances. All the positive sayings and "one day at a time" can't keep me from diving into a hurt place that just seems to take me down in a way I haven't experienced since childhood.

I'm rambling, dumping, my emotions are a little frayed as I try to step back into a place of control - over my own life and destiny - and let go of the consuming concern I have for a father who mismanages his health, his finances, his entire life. He seems both grateful for my help and at same time can act a hateful creep to me, the one person that has given so much for him.

And all that my siblings and other family seem to see is that I came here and "freeloaded" for past several years… the entire situation has been the most hurtful and destructive heartbreak of my life. I want a relationship with family, but at what cost? At the cost that I don't feel good about myself anymore? That I am constantly defensive? That I feel hopeless about life? That I also contemplate suicide because there is so much pain in all this?

Bah. Forget it. I told my bro I'm done. Done, done, done, done. I gave bro the list of age-restriced apartment facilities in Indy that I thought looked promising for my father's new home, I arranged the ok with trust to do all financing. I'm just done.

I've been looking at jobs and apartment listings for some time, waiting for the bad Chicago winter to thaw out to try to put a some new basic things in place for me.

At this point, the way I feel inside, I would not be attending my father's funeral - if it were tomorrow, or any time soon. Its not his fault, it was mine. He hasn't changed, he's same selfish creep he's always been. I just didn't know how much hands on caregiving to abusive parent could affect me. How much sadness and pain could come out of this.

I just wanted to say all this to tell each of you - I GET IT. And we're not being selfish in the least. Some of you already know that very well, and have taught me that, and some still struggle. To try and distance yourself from a hurtful situation is necessary action, not selfish one.

I tell you, with all of my life's ups and downs so far, I've never felt so laid low… so very low… as I have felt as a result of trying so hard to deal with this caregiving situation.

Ok, that was the sad and commiserating part, the good news is I'm dealing with all of it and taking the necessary steps to extract myself from this. I've learned a lot. I think I'll leave caregiving without regret, just a very wary outlook on what a dysfunctional family can do to you, regardless of how old you are and how much you think you're all grown up and removed from it all. :D

((((((((hugs)))))) ocd. I have worked with special needs children too. I found it very rewarding. I think a number of us have been caregiving in one form or another from childhood.
In many ways you are trapped as you are now with no help, but I believe that you can gain your freedom. It sounds like your mum is narcissistic - having to be the centre of attention - as well as having other problems. Ocd you get your freedom when you arrange it. There is no other way. Austin who has written here has said that a therapist told her to stop waiting for someone to rescue her, that she had to do it herself. We all do - but also we usually need help - professionals and friends in real life and places like this web site. I totally agree that you have given more than your mum deserves. How do you feel about her going to a mental hospital? If they were prepared to send her there before, it could likely happen again. If you feel guilty about that it may prevent you from taking the steps to get your life back. Dear one you have nothing to feel guilty about. I am having mixed feelings about what lies ahead for my mother, but I know it is the only answer available, even if not a perfect one. I decided years ago I would never take my mother into my home, as she would ruin my life and I would not do that to myself. What is stopping you from taking the steps you can to get your mother out of your home and into a facility? Others here have faced it, managed to do it and you can too. more ((((((((hugs))))))))

I am a 38 year old Substitute teacher. I work mostly with special needs children. I have a 16 year old son and have been married for 6 yrs to my second husband. my mother had a stroke on janurary 17th 2012 and i have been her caregiver ever since because she has Aphasia and can not live by herself. my parents were divorce in 2004 and most of her family is either dead or in mental hospital. i'm the oldest i have a younger sister who recently stopped helping me with my mother because she thinks i am ruling her life "according to her recent husband" I have taken care of my entire family my whole life i came from a broken home a abusive mother absent father due to work related issues and was left to care for my sister. My mother tortured me for years denied my rape at the age of 9 and accused me of having sexual relationship with my father. at age 19 i left my home and two years later brought my sister with me. my first marriage didn't work out because i wouldn't submit only to my husband and leave my family. now that my sister has her own life and no family members to help i feel trapped and cant breath.I have to take care of someone who NEVER took care of me I survived her abuse and now i'm left once again to pick up the pieces. She isnt the same since the stroke she is loving and sweet but at the same time i still see these mind controlling games still peeking thru. She has to be center of attention 24/7 I have to care for her every need and she knows i don't want her to be in my home i would love to have her in nursing home and visit often but she will not behave long enough to let me have a life. I personally think her stroke could have been prevented. She neglected to take her medicine as prescribed and as a result have a massive stroke that i now have to deal with. I have done my part i have gave her care for far too long more than she deserves after the way she treated me growing up when do i ever get to life my life and life for myself instead of caring for people who never gives a damn on how i feel

Thank you everyone, I so appreciate all of you. You are all a valuable support team and I couldn't do it without you.

You are all so right about not letting these people validate who I am. I have come to the conclusion that placing a parent in a facility is still a taboo subject with most of society. I can see it when I say it and the person will flinch and their eyes get big, then they freeze with that look on their face. I have decided that I will not tell people who ask how my mother is doing, just answer that she is doing great.
I do need to detach from the emotional aspect when praying. I agree Joan, we can pray and pray but it is in God's hands...it reminds me of a minister we had years ago who told us that if you believe, praying once and letting it go is all that is needed instead of praying over and over again. Let God handle it, yes.
Margeaux, I had to chuckle at your goo goo gaa gaa, LOL!! I talked with my daughter last night while I was looking at her baby registry on Amazon. She has picked out a pacifier with two front BIG teeth...I laughed when I saw that, I will buy her several!! I may take you up on getting out to take some photos as I am off this coming Fri/Sat...hoping my back is in shape for a day trip...did something to my back...icing it again and it is better than yesterday.
Joan, your situation with your mother is in God's hands too. While you may have some challenges with your mom over the next few weeks, I really think that the professionals will get her on the right meds, then get her placed in a facility where they can make sure she gets her meds regularly. I agree with you that if your mother were allowed to continue the way she is, she would be heavily medicated at times to control her. You are giving her the opportunity to have quality of life even though she won't see it that way.

When life gives you lemons...make strawberry lemonade.

Sharynmarie,

When one prays, or chants especially for sick people......if we aren't careful you can take on some of that person's energy. I've read up about this. Some people will say that it's wise to do some kind of a prayer protection before you take this on. But definitely......if this is making you feel depressed, maybe that in and of itself is trying to tell you something. I'd been chanting for the neighbor who died recently.
But then I stopped, because it was also making me feel out of sorts. I'm not saying I won't do this for her at a later time, but it's just not the right time for me right now.

I realize that you currently are around people having serious health issues.
But, remember your own personal well being, try not to make this concern some kind of obsession, either. Remember the word detachment, which I haven't heard for a long time here. You may need to detach from some of this, and I don't say this in some kind of callous way.....but you do have so much going on in your own life, so maybe it's time to conserve your own energy, too.
In the midst of all of this, also you are going to be a grandmother, so start focusing on lot's of that. But I understand, I'm not trying to minimize or fluff off at all what your are feeling! Just want you to know that. You're too much a valuable woman,
and those people telling you these lies about your worth?? Toxic, toxic, toxic.
Who are these people in the bigger game, anyway of say doing all you do.
Are they the Validation Team? NO! They're NOT!

Baby pictures, baby names, baby rattles, goo goo, ga ga, and all that good stuff!
Try to squeeze in some time for those photos you love taking.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

SA - totally agree
ocd - don't let the illness win. I agree that when you get her into the proper facility you have done your job. We HAVE to look after ourselves.

SA - you are not evil for putting your mum in state care the last months of her life. You had reached the end of your resources and I understand that well. I am very close to that. "Do yourself no further harm" is ringing in my ears. I am suffering harm and I know you were too. We have an obligation to take care of ourselves too. (((((hugs))))) for all you have been through and for all you did for your mum.

Austin - you lost your childhood as did most of us here You are right your mum would have had her kids taken from her. I will never forget mother blowing up at me when I tried to do a good job in the kitchen.

lastresort - wow - about the gun. Sends a message doesn't it? Reminds me of the time mother bought me a poison ring and then showed me how to use it. The stone was hinged and there was a compartment underneath it where a very fast acting poison was kept. When things got too tough, people could swallow the poison quickly. Thanks, mother! Never let the bastards get you down. Something rises up in me and I think, "No way am I going under" I haven't told this to many, but I had suicidal ideation after the summer that mother raged at me for hours a day. She was totally out of it, and she and my sis walked past me in the street and didn't acknowledge me. I was looking out a second story window and the thought came to me that it would be so easy to throw myself out and end it all. Now I am not suicidal and never have been but the thought came anyway. I suppose because I was under a great deal of stress. I stepped away from the window and told that thought to go back from where it came -the pits of hell as far as I was concerned. But, I did have to stay away from high places more than usual. I don't do well with heights at the best of times. I remember that year going to Beachy Head in the UK with my aunt and uncle and the breezes blew the cobwebs away, but I had to stay away from the cliff edge. I really like what you wrote "When we are at our worst, like your mom, we don't realize how badly we need them (the professionals) until someone loves us enough to step in and get us the care we don't think we need." So true. (((((hugs)))))

veronica - I have to log in all the time even though I have checked the box. Maybe is it a site issue -seems to be better this morning for me. I like your visual of bringing casseroles to the door :)

Margeaux - yes, a very challenging time. I know those moments. I have one with mother in the past year. We had returned in a taxi from lunch out and I took her arm to help her up the curb, and she was light as a feather - lighter than before (she is not a big woman anyway) - and I had a feeling of frailness that I never had from mother before. My daughter used to say she was like a Mac truck. She still is very strong for her age, but not as she used to be. She was always very upright and now is bowed a little, so her age is showing, But her colour is still wonderful - pink cheeks, blue eyes and white hair. Her nails amaze me - no ridges, and little arthritis showing in her hands. I hear you about the mind body connection, and the mind is going, but we all know about those who have lain as a vegetable for years too. Only God knows how many days she has left. I am not doubting my decisions, though it may seem so. I do not see an alternative to what is happening. If I denied them concealing the meds, she would have to be in a lock up for sure and probably "taken down" at times. There are no ideal solutions. This is the best available.

Thanks everyone for thoughts and prayers - they make a huge difference. I don't know what I would do without you all.

Big (((((((((hugs)))))))) and do something good for you today - especially ocd!!!