notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
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ocd - sharyn and standing alone and last resort said it well, and as book says we need to undo the damage - there is no chance of that while you are in close quarters with her. Your mother needs professional help. She needs to go to a facility that deals with mental health issues. Then you still have a role which is to visit and advocate for her. The job you have now it too big for any of us and even at a distance, I find that is stresses me to the limit. A psychologist, Pauline Boss, wrote that when you have been abused as a child it is not advisable to do hands on caregiving, but to arrange for others to do it - to be humane to your parent, but to do yourself no further harm. This is harming you and is no good for your child. He is being exposed to the abuse that you were subjected to and still are. You need to get your mother out of your home and into professional care. There is a reason that you are here - and that is to survive and get healthy. Many (((((((hugs))))))) I hope you will take the suggested steps to help yourself and your mother. In any case keep in touch. Your friend is a good one.
Sharyn - re prayer. For me it is to give the outcome to God. I pray as I see fit, then have to "let go and let God" and trust that He knows best even if I do not understand it. There is a lot of cancer around, and heart disease. They are the two major killers of our times. Re ignorant people, I have had to examine myself and I decided that I am doing well, no matter what others think. I have worked through, for the most part, that what others, who have not walked in my shoes, think of me is of much less importance than what I think of myself. Does it hurt when I get an "ignorant" comment. Yes, it does for a bit, but it does not shake my self esteem as it once did. I just remind myself that they do not have a clue. It has taken time to get to where I am. To quote Adam Clayton Powell, "I've paid my dues" - and then some and so have you. You are a full fledged member of the human race and entitled to your opinions and your ways of doing things, without the judgement of others. I usually avoid people who suggest that things are not as they would do them. I haven't had any direct critical comments, but I think they would get an earful if I got any - or at least a heartfelt, "You have no idea!"
book - You should do MORE????? I am dumbfounded. Whoa. That person deserves a smack on the head to waken them up to reality. Yes, we need to undo and honour ourselves for the good people we are. The more we do that the easier it gets and the healthier we get. Oldest bro needs two smacks on the head!
going to continue in another post before I mess this one up. I seem to be doing better this morning
This is definitely a very challenging time with respect to the decisions you are making for your mom. I remember when dad was receiving his cancer treatments, and we the family were so accustomed to him being very strong, physically. He was a total garden hobbyist and was so good at that. So my brothers who were not very involved at all with his caregiving, nor lived close....were the ones who Iwould say things like, "Dad is so strong, almost as if he was going to live forever." I remember one of the last times I would see dad outside on his knees on a pillow, weeding his garden. He could no longer be out there on bare knees at 84, doing something that mos. before he could do without using that pillow. It made me sad on the one hand, but it made me very aware of his condition and the progression which was taking place. It was a reality moment for me!
When we age, no matter our previous stamina of being strong, the human body does deteriorate at some point and thats just a fact of life.
Remember too....that there is a mind and body connection in everyone's health.
She could be strong as you have known her all of your life, then I'm aware for someone like this, also has had the history of always getting their way on different levels......but there will probably come a day, when even your mother will start showing signs of not being even so physically strong anymore. Maybe not either, hopefully it will be a peaceful transition.
Our aunt the battle ax was like this towards the end of her life. She was very ill,
with congenital heart disease and a host of other related health ailments.
Since my sister was caregiving......and when the battle axe's behavior became so intolerable towards the end.....my sister would complain to me daily. She would hold out this argument that my aunt, despite her physical condition was going to be around a long time, given her strong will. I finally told her, that I didn't think this the case at all. This is how it went after that, too.
I know you are being guided in your decisions, so keep on trusting.
She's going into another level...and thereby the care is going to be different.
So don't doubt your decisions.
You and your's are in my thoughts!
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I have also noticed that I am frequently asked to log on again when I have checked the "remember me" box.
Sharyn, people are ignorant. Just keep that in mind. Unless they've lived what you have they don't know shit and they're talking out their asses. Who cares what people think? YOU know what's up. That's all you need to know. Anyone who judges you too harshly about things they just don't understand aren't worth conversing with in the first place. Blow them off.
People may think I'm evil myself since I 'abandoned' my mom to the state the last 3 months of her life. If they do, I don't want to hear their opinions. I flay myself enough mentally for doing that, necessary as it was at the time. I don't need anybody who's never walked around the block even once in my shoes to tell me a damn thing. Once you realize that those kinds of opinions are toxic and destructive, you'll stop listening to them and they'll stop mattering. Almost like listening to mother talking, isn't it? Yes, you DO deserve a life, a peaceful, joyful life. And you grab it any way you can get it. And leave guilt in the dust. Take care.. *hugs*
Sorry, Sharyn, that hit a nerve. I've had several people tell me that I should do MORE for my mom. This, to the ONE child who stayed home at age 23, gave up her dreams to leave this island and pursue my dreams of traveling around the world. Who has 7 siblings and yet these people had the nerve to Lecture Me!?!!! And just as my parents raised me, I sat there and took it in quietly. I'm a Bad daughter, you know....
What we need to do is to Undo what our parents drummed into us as children. We need to learn to appreciate ourselves, and stand up for ourselves (since no one else will) even though we're terrified inside of contradicting or confronting these people.
Oldest bro of next door, again, brought up if dad has a Will. He wants me to look for it. I ain't no fool....
I don't know how people are able to pray continuously for a suffering person. I have found out that I get to emotionally involved and I get very depressed. I continue to pray for sweet Ethen Richardson and his family. Such a sad story. I pray for my niece...that radiation will reduce the size of her tumor so the drs can remove it and give her the opportunity to live a full life. I pray that my sil can hold up with dealing with a second child with inoperable cancer. A customer came in the store 2 days ago, his wife has inoperable pancreatic cancer, and as he was sharing this...another customer who is friends with the first customer, said he has a spot on a chest ex-ray the drs are following up on.Maybe I am just tuned into cancer right now so it appears to be everywhere.
I am venting and am frustrated with the fact that so many people think I am a horrible daughter because I am not caregiving 24/7/365 for my mother. These people refuse to accept the abuse my mother spewed out throughout my life...."You are just a whimp and can't take being disciplined...." While I can detach from all those ignorant beliefs, it still hurts to think that others are not very educated or accepting about other people's situations. There is no manual on how to be a good parent and there is no manual on how to be a good child...unless you want to factor in that YOU as the adult child was brought into this world to caregive for your parents and YOU are not entitled to be married, have children, grandchildren, a marriage, a career or just a simple life. Just my rant for the night. hope it opens some eyes in others and just unloading what has been building up...responses are welcome if you feel inclined to do so.
Hugs to everyone!!
You are too important to want to attempt suicide. This situation is NOT your fault, however, it is out of your control just as it would be for anyone of us in the same situation. Not being able to help/or caregive for your mother does not mean you have failed...it simply means that your mother's issues are bigger than what one person can do.
Please keep in touch with us and on Monday morning call the Area Agency on Aging in your city or county, ask for a social worker. Tell the social worker everything you have told us...they will help you!! Blessings to you and Big HUGS!!
Has this happened before or is this a sign of some real decline? -her body shutting down?
I read somewhere that you wrote safety over happiness which is what most of us conclude is our priority when it comes to dealing with these very difficult parents. These times of transition are tough.
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Thinking of you and glad she is on the list for a unit where she can be cared for round the clock.
Big (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))
If "interesting" is code for wacked out, space nuts loopy, hallucinating, screaming mee-mee filled days & nights.
She is on the waiting list for a room in the 24/7 assistance unit, but I'm not sure what can be done until then, unless she just gets to be so bad off she has to go to the hospital. *sigh*
We have suicidal people, people who cut, people who drink, people who have yelled at their parents and worse, people who are afraid they are going to hurt their parent, people who have walked away from their parent...
We have people who were abused by their parents, sexually, verbally and emotionally, who were beaten, neglected, and who continue to suffer verbal and emotional abuse.
Does that list touch on any of it?
Smack me if I do it again. I need to write my posts on a word document and copy and paste and/or shorten the nails. Having the cat hug my mouse pad and rub his whiskers on my hand when I am trying to use the mouse doesn't help either.
Just talked to ex and he is anemic - which would explain some of the symptoms. Everything else is in acceptable parameters. Time will tell how much getting his hemoglobin up helps. I know that anemia is a bigger problem in someone with heart disease and can be caused by the heart disease, so it can be a sign that the disease is progressing. I suspect that is the case and not great news then. He sounds very tired.