The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

thx sharyn. I don't see any way of mother being kept on meds unless she is permanently in a mental heath facility where they conceal the meds or administer them by injection. She is adamant about not taking them. If she was less physically well and in a nursing home for example, or even the next level of care up from where she is, they could probably conceal the meds in her food on doctor's orders. But she is too fit for those places, so there is no way to conceal the meds that I can see. Maybe the medical people know a way. Her good physical health is working against her here. I think she will have to be in a more controlled setting.

A whole range of emotions for sure.

Just

Joan~ Hugs!! I am sure you are experiencing a whole range of emotions over this situation with your mother. If the meds can control the demons in your mothers mind, maybe she will like herself better and accept it. I know it is hard to keep a mentally ill person on their meds though. You have made a good decision for her. Hugs again and take time to relax now.

what is going on here????

cm - I write fired first and had to correct it

lala land here...

I w

As long as it's not fired..! xxx

*tired* - my brain is fried...

That is true. Statistics favour her passing soon. It would be a blessed release for her. At her age they tend to go suddenly/quickly, though she is hospitalized for mental illness not physical. She had a cousin who lived in an apartment, with help from family till she was 97. One day this cousin didn't feel well and the next day she was dead. I don't think she had any major health conditions. My grandfather went suddenly in his early 80s from a heart attack. Up until then he appeared very healthy. Better to go that way than to linger. Mother wishes that she was dead. I don't mean the suicidal thoughts, but she is tried of living.

emjo...... She could but probably not..... statistics are in your favor! Maybe this recent hospitalization is a sign of change!

thx norest - with me at 76, frankly that can't come soon enough. Not that I do not wish her well, I do. Physically she is very healthy - no life threatening conditions at all. She is on thyroid meds, BP meds, reflux meds and that is about it. She could go on a long time yet.

Emjo..... with your mother @ age 101, there is an end in site! Hang in there! Hugs to you... you are supportive to many!

oops - did it again no matter how you look at them.

Think these long nails aren't helping me on the keyboard. Time for a mani and pedi - some self care.

Yes, God is guiding me, and for that I am so thankful.

oops - do better when they take some responsibility for the decisions that are made and to a degree I can agree with that. Some things are tough no matte

Thank you, Veronica - your words are very comforting. You are right she will revert and continue to get worse, if given the opportunity. I think Laura, the Director of Health and Wellness, said that mother complained that the male LPN on night shift had inappropriate behaviour towards her. I was so concerned about mother getting off in the ambulance I didn't clarify but will on Monday. This is just not workable in that environment.

As far as making the decisions, that is for the medical team to do, but, as mother's agent (personal directive) I have to endorse their decisions or they cannot act. And before I endorse any action, I need to be sure that I believe it s the right thing for her.

Just thinking aloud here - Mother throughout her life has taken most meds prescribed for any physical condition. It is part of the illness to refuse treatment for her mental condition. I think if our positions were reversed she would make the same decision for me that I have for her. She actually made very good and some tough decisions regarding my father's care. I have thought about a parallel situation where a person was born with a disability and not capable of making a rational decision about their treatment. In cases like that the person has a guardian and the decisions are made to give that person the best treatment available. Mother has a serious disability in the form of mental illness, yet has had the freedom to refuse treatment. Had my father been a stronger man he might have pushed for treatment for her, but he used alcohol to cope. Believe me, there have been times when she could have been hospitalized before. So, do you respect the wishes if someone who has a serious mental illness is irrational and not able to act in their own best interests. I don't think so.

I agree with telling my sister only when/if mother is moved to another facility and only about the move, nothing else. God may spare us and see fit to take her home before that happens. One step at a time.

My suspicion is that mother will sense that she is being given the meds, as she is very self aware, and will stop eating or possibly stop eating certain things, as well as creating a fuss. She refused to eat for a day or so last summer at the other hospital because she thought they were putting meds in her food. Her paranoia is so much worse now that she may think they are poisoning her. Anyway, I know they have the means to deal with this,

It is not the first time I have made a difficult medical decision. This situation brings me back to when my Gordie was dying and we were asked/told to make the decision to pull the plug. No parent should be required to make that decision. I think hospitals don't want the responsibility or are afraid of being sued. I suppose there is a philosophy that says peopke do better

Emjo Rest assured you have made the right decision. If mum is returned to the ALF and has free choice she will revert to her former behavior and refuse the medications especially if she detects they are in her juice and they have to take the next step to make her compliant. This is an almost impossible decision for a caregiver to have to make for a loved one and especially hard as one gets older and has ones own health problems. as long as you have complete confidence in the MD let him make the decisions. Mum can't and neither should you. You have made the decision to put her in the care of experts so return to your main job which is being a daughter and you have always gone above and beyond being a good one. Lean on the kids and Gary and only tell sister when Mum has been transferred to a secure mental facility. treat her mental illness as you would a physical one and have her cared for by experts. She does not have the capacity and never has had the ability to be content with her circumstances so her reactions now are not due to anything you have to take responsibility for. Many many gentle hugs. God is guiding you. Blessings

Iwentanon - ultimately, it looks like the family has the choice whether to pay you or not. I gather they did not ask you to care give, but rather you took it on out if the goodness of your heart - essentially you volunteered. At least this is as I have understood it from reading your posts. It is a difficult situation but just because she is doing well in your care does not oblige them to pay you. Some might think there is a moral obligation, but that seems to be lacking in them. It puts you in a very difficult situation.

(((((((hugs)))))) Alison and welcome back. So sorry about the illness due to mold, and stress no doubt, but it sounds like you are on the mend. Hope you do get to the nuts and bolts of placing your dad soon. You need a break. We all get a little lost once in a while. Normal??? What's that??? I gave up on normal a long time ago. Note the Queenism: "Once she decided to love and accept herself just the way she was, everything else fell right into place." Love you too - just as you are.

Mother went to hospital, I had a day free of phone calls, and then one call this afternoon from the hospital which just about freaked me, but I found out it was from her doctor there. We had a very poor phone connection but got through the basics, He described mother as tortured, and irrational and unable to make decisions in her own best interests. I agreed. He said she is quite agitated. I agreed to that too. Then he asked if I would give them permission to put the meds in her juice and described the possible side effects. I gave him permission. This is a weird thing ethically. It is not the same as carrying out her wishes as she still is sound cognitively and does not wish to take the meds, but that she is irrational, self destructive, and unable to make decisions in her own self interest, so the decision that the medical team recommend is being made for her by her agent - me - in order for her to get the best treatment for her condition. She never has wanted treatment for any of her mental conditions, but then she has never been in her right mind either. It is an ethical issue and I need to do some more reading on it. In my heart, I feel it is the right thing to do and am backed up 100% by my kids, Gary and a few other family members, excluding my sister who I have kept out of the loop. She would not agree, I am sure, as, in her words, mother has a few emotional problems, but after all she is over 100 years old. That, of course, coming from someone who has a few emotional problems herself. I hope and pray that the small dose of meds they will give mother will have the calming effect it had in the summer. The paranoia had increased considerably so she may need a higher dose. The doc and I will talk again on Monday.

Another problem that has cropped up is that Laura, the Director of Health and Wellness at the ALF, who I chatted with after mother went off in the ambulance said that she wasn't sure that mother was suited to that ALF any more. We both feel that mother may need a facility with a mental health mandate. Laura said it will depend on the recommendation the hospital makes when mother is released. I asked her if they had anyone else like mother and she said "No"

We will cross that bridge when and if we come to it. Gary has been forewarned. He is a great mover.

Take care all and do something good for you. ((((((hugs))))

Why did I ever doubt for a second you guys would be here with positive advice? Actually, I didn't doubt it… just was so pissed for a good while there that I couldn't bring myself to write anything.

Bottom line: according to paperwork I have and doctor's visits, no doubt the mold made me sick. And since it isn't acute sickness, but rather this chronic condition with varying symptoms, it was something that just sent me to bed.. and I didn't get up much. I had no clue how to treat: supplements, juicing, cardio - I was doing it. I learned how to love and have compassion in spite of my (crazy hurtful want-to-choke-him) father… but none of that really worked. Ok, now mold is gone. Basement is gutted. I've had 3-4 months of almost complete rest. I feel ready to tackle anything and everything again. And YES, dad is getting placed. Except he waffles and without family (really just older bro and I) agreeing 100% to rent place and stick him in it, regardless of how he feels about it on that given day, then nothing gets done.

Things will get better quickly, I believe that. Its been a couple of years of learning lessons and now I'm prepared to cut to nuts and bolts and get results… darn it! Lol!

Ok, so, like I said, a lot of my past few posts have been about me finding my voice again to speak about what is happening in my life. I can only benefit from this, and you individuals are so… …. …. wonderful. And I thank you.

Ok, 2nd post in 2 days! Woot woot! I'll figure this out. Love you guys, thanks.

I like Kathy's Song, we.ve all gone off to look for America, its the song about a train ride, and he man in the gabardine suit is a spy.

Yes the son here, went through the death of his father, died of prostate cancer, at the age if 92, after he suffered with crippling arthritis for decades.
The son made the accommodations, step in shower, changed all he doors to the ones, with handles instead of knobs, made his mother two kitchens and two new bathrooms, the new vinyl windows, never got paid back and basically was thrown out of his mothers building, like a bum, and me even less...I found out I have no standing to get paid, except to sue the trust, in the end. Does anyone know what else? Does not qualify for Gov't. programs, because they sold her residence and she has liquid assets.

I don't so much want to leave, the 87 year old (just 4 of her 5 of her narcissistic children) because she has rights to not be in a nursing home, but so far, do not know what to do, they refuse to pay me outright and the only alternative is to quit, but why should I be placed in this predicament, when she is doing well in my care?

Alison~I hope you are feeling better in terms of the toxic mold exposure. Talking about what you are feeling will help. Winter is a hard time of year to deal with depression at least for me as I also suffer from seasonal affective disorder (SAD) which does have to do with less sunlight, the constantly gloomy grey skies. Just getting out of the house into an environment that is happy, peaceful helps too. One of the last times you posted, didn't you mention about possibly placing your father in a facility? Has that changed? Do something nice for yourself and come back here anytime. Hugs to you!!

Allison. I have to say you are a wonderful writer. I hope you journal as it can be a great outlet for all you are going through. When we are caregivers, we all need to be as healthy as possible. The stress brings out the worse in us. My husband and I end up taking it out on each other. The fatigue it causes is not understood by those going througfh it. With the winter causing us to feel more gloomy, it is important to take care of ourselves. Whether that be exercise, vitamins, (Vit C and B complex for stress), adding light to our darker rooms or extra sleep, we must do that for ourselves. Mold can also make some people ill..... Hang in there!

Emjo,
It's been a long time coming! Great news, indeed.
I hope for everyone's sake, especially you.....she can get the medication, or other attentions she needs. About the phone......so glad on that front.

Big Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I feel you, Alison. Totally and completely. That's all. *hugs*

I'm struggling to find my human side again… my "normal" me. I've been gone for quite a few months, replaced by someone so angry, so defeated, so… LOST. Meanwhile life goes on as normal for my father, my charge, since I'm here now to shield him and ensure his creature comforts. Seems so unfair, its like he was meant to be my life's vampire, to always be thriving in my misery, if that makes sense.

So this post is kind of random, but open for comments if you guys care to. My goal is to work my way back into finding my voice again among you kind people who understand about what I'm going through.

I've been little-girl-lost for past many months. Skipped the entire holidays, even. Spent them in bed, just glad for the break that my father wasn't here for a few days.

Whether physical illness (recovering from toxic mold environment I lived in for past couple years) or mental distress (from yet more unforeseen chaos and problems, which has been THEE common theme of caregiving for me thus far - that is to say, there is always something really sh*tty just around the corner, its bad and I'm going to be completely unprepared for it), it just became a miserable existence for several months. But I feel hope again and THAT is really good, really promising. But I swear, if the house burns down or I break my leg or something, I'm gonna lose my ever-loving mind. I just need things to be "normal crazy" for awhile. I'm a wimp, what can I say.

I've been reading here and there. I've learned a lot about dealing with "less than" family relationships. I thank you all for continuing to bravely share the ugly side of all this.

(((HUGS))) I had a decent day today, hurrah!!!

Unfortunately until civil (senior) law is seen for the criminal ac, that it is,
they only see this stuff as word against word and
it is only the caregivers who notice the creeps, after the people die, that we caregive for, we will be bittersweet, but one of the perks(if you can call it that) is that we will never have to deal with the A-------, ever again, I look forward to it.

That is great news Emjo! In just a few days maybe the new medication they are making her take will kick in and things will get much easier with her. Fingers crossed for you.

Just wrote a long one and lost it. Got a call that mother has agreed to go to hospital today. The papers are ready so if she changes her mind she will go anyway. I am waiting for the call that tells me she has gone. Looks like she will be in there till close to the time G and I go on holidays. I can find out more once she has been in there for a few days. No long distance calls permitted so we are safe on that front for a while. Tears of relief or something. More later.

A wasted visit...I only got to see mom for a couple minutes because they have a virus going around...possibly noro. Wish my sister had let me know.

Use the term "how YOU doing today?" every day when I am out and about...love it...most are surprised. Anyway...great site ...obviously by the 5689 posts..
Namaste...oliveoyl

Sharynmarie great idea about the pictures....Thanks

I don't mean to be contrary, but when I look back I suspect I spent most of my later childhood and adolescence trying to get my parents to forbid me to do something. Since they worked strictly to the principle that 'no news is good news', and since they turned a deaf ear to any news that did come their way if it was remotely possible to do so, it all got a bit disastrous. Lucky for me I didn't bump into any friendly neighbourhood drug dealers. I really did think they'd draw the line at marriage at 19, but perhaps they were just relieved…

Benign neglect might be the intention, but its effects are not often benign in fact. At the other extreme there is insane, controlling possessiveness and exploitation. Respect to those parents who manage to find exactly the right balance - I'm sure most of us are slightly off-centre one way or the other.

SA~I can relate very much. My mom controlled me and sister growing up. We were not allowed much of a social life, mom hated all our friends, their parents,etc. I was only allowed to go out with my friends on a Friday night, on Saturday and Sunday I could not leave the house until 12pm and had to return by 3pm. In the meantime, mom was out looking for me to make sure I was where I said I was going. If she saw me talking to guys, especially guys with cars...she would stop and pull me in the car to take me home. Accuse me of pre planning the meeting. Because my sister got pregnant at 17 and was married to the father (her high school sweetheart), I was punished for it. I could go on and on about it. Grieving is a strange thing when we have a parent like this, but we still grieve in different ways. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of a childhood, the loss of being denied a loving, nurturing mother, all the abuse...all at once.Being angry is part of it. Hang in there, it will get better.

norestforweary~Can you and your husband remove all valuables from your mil's home so the daughter does not have access to the?. All important papers and info, even if you have to put them in a strong box or safe...even a safe deposit box. Just don't put valuable watches in a safe deposit box, it does something to them so the don't work. If she and her boyfriend are drinking large amounts while caregiving for her, I would document it even if you have to have the paid caregiver (Pay her extra for doing it) video it on her cell phone and send it to you. Yes reporting it to APS and informing them of the weekend she is there so maybe they can pay a visit during that time.
Sandwich~You sound like you do a lot of crafts to relax, create and enjoy yourself...glad you don't do all at the same time, LOL!! Yes, overly expensive weddings are the norm and only for show...it does not reflect the love or reality of the peoples lives. My dil's dress was custom made and so was her mother's. Now granted , my dil is obese, so I can see where that may have been necessary. Her mother wanted the best, it is shame to spend beyond your budget, then pay for it for next few years.
Margeaux~HOW RUDE, indeed!! Something is not right with that woman. I see all types of rude with my job...I am still amazed at just how rude some people can be.
Joan~Two single beds, LOL!! Get real!! When hubby and i went on our honeymoon (Carmel, CA) we went on the 17 mile drive, a very scenic drive with beautiful homes, Pebble Beach,etc...as we were driving along, there was a car behind us that looked like my parents, LOL!! I joked with my husband, I wouldn't be surprised if it was my mom. Of course it wasn't, but I wouldn't put it past her to do something like that. Glad you had a quiet day for a change.

Sis is going to meet our brother around 10am tomorrow so I won't be able to take mom to lunch. Instead I will bring her some treats, bring Midget and just visit, take a walk. My daughter has calmed down after talking with St. Luke's in Boise. They reassured her that her dr is experienced with multiple births and is very good at referring patients to them when she foresees problems. She has to consume 200 gms of protein a day...having some problems trying to do that, plus has to take extra vitamins like iron and folic acid because of twins. All bases are covered. Gotta go, gonna make some enchiladas tonight so we have those to eat the next couple days.

Good night all, take care!!