The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

My mother has been recently diagnosed with not only dementia, but a form of schizophrenia. Then my uncle took his own life who all his life had schizophrenia - I can't tell her. I can't do a lot of things like taking care of her at home because I have just exhausted my resources to stop her from denying medication or running from the house. I feel like I have so few options and Florida seems to have so many restrictions. I am dealing with my brother's judgement and my family's loss that I can't talk to my best friend (Mom) about.

book - the curcumin sounds like a good idea. I cut the half pills (my usual dose)into quarters and am taking a quarter extra and it is helping though the fibro has flared up. Hopefully that will settle down soon.

SA - Barb Happy to see you here. I know some people in my generation in the family don't get it. Her generation all got it. I hear you about being exhausted. I am so weary of it all. As you say, there is always something. Mother had this crazy energy when she was on a rant which was often. The rest of us would be wiped out by the ranting and fighting and she was still blazing. I can identify with much of what you write, ((((((hugs)))))

Margeaux - yes, crazy-making stuff, I had to stand up to it. I just could not swallow the garbage, the put downs to other people behind their backs etc. The lady who commented about your hair obviously has a problem!!!

noresstfortheweary - nasty situation with your sil. She obviously has many problems. Good thing it is only one weekend a month, but even then I can see why it worries you. You are right about the supervised visitation. Hope you can address some of those issues.

sandwich Hah - my father booked us into an exclusive place as part of the wedding present (first marriage). We were delighted until we saw the room - 2 single beds! Message???? Mother was throwing fits so we moved the wedding up 5 months. Had it been as originally set I probably would not have married him - not a good choice as it turned out. Mother insisted that she had to wear a certain colour and that my future mil had to find something that went with that. It was all about mother. Spinning - cool!

Quiet day here thankfully. My oldest grandson dropped by and stayed for tea and cookies. I offered him my father's old binoculars and he was happy to take them. One more item out of the house. Think I have someone to help with the housework - my ex's cousin's daughter. His cuz stayed with us a short while when she had that daughter as she lived in the north where there was no hospital. I have known her off and on a long time. I know I can trust her in the house and to do a decent job.

And spring is just around the corner!!! - well almost...
Goodnight all

Countrymouse - I'm pretty sure mom's goal was to STOP the wedding night. My husband's side had some very dear cousins who gathered her up and bundled her off before you could say "please & thank you". Of course, the next day she had reports of chest pain all night, didn't sleep, etc. We all know how this song goes.

I forgot to mention that I knit for sanity. I also crochet, tatt, sew, spin, and play the accordion. Not all at the same time (ha ha ha). I love my spinning wheel. It's very soothing and zen to get it going in a rhythm and see the fibers twisting into something vaguely yarn-like.

@Norestforweary - wow. She needs a court-appointed guardian. Greed sure does terrible things to people. I am so sorry. I'd still make the vulnerable adult report just to give that SIL something to be concerned about, especially since MIL isn't able to fend for herself. This is when I really hope that guardian angel thing is real.

Sandwich 42:My MIL is severe Alzheimers and is confused about most of everything. If the situation of her taking her mothers valuables does not resolve and ends in court, we may be able to address some of the treatment/ neglect the daughter is doing then.

Sandwich, I tried to indoctrinate my daughters on a number of (I thought) important life issues. As a passer-by once observed: "One word from you... and they do as they please."

But seriously now, your mother thought she should be staying in your apartment -on your wedding night??? Did she think she'd forgotten to tell you some of the key facts or something?!

@norestforweary - ::HUGS:: what a tough predicament. Is there a social worker involved? You can make an anonymous complaint about a vulnerable adult to the county and by law they can't reveal it was you that made the report. They are required to investigate. I made a report on my mom to try to get some help in her house, and she never found out it was me. (Don't tell!) They almost had to bring the Sheriff to make her open the door and let them in to make their report. This might be a bridge to nowhere, but it might put some fear into SIL. I am surprised the in-home caregiver who was concerned has not made a report on the situation.

Has anyone talked to mom to find out what SHE wants? Is she able to communicate her opinion?

I am indoctrinating my daughter now at age 12 that high dollar weddings are unnecessary. It's about the marriage. Do what you can afford and no more. We spent $500 on our wedding 19 years ago! My dress was a clearance after-holiday "Special Event" skirt & jacket in an ivory brocade. Not a real wedding dress, but it took the last $49 in my checking account, so it was the best there was going to be. The pastor at the little church we used said our simple affair was "refreshing".

Just a plain service and lunch in the basement. That was it. That was enough with Hurricane Ruth (my mother) around throwing up everywhere and in hysterics with anybody who had the misfortune of sitting near her. There was one contingent who preferred to stand in the kitchen than come out and have to sit near her. Can you blame them? I can laugh at it now because it was just so outrageous, but it was not funny at the time! And guess who was mad as a snake when she was put in a hotel room instead of staying in our apartment for the wedding night! Ha! We should have let her stay and embarrassed the snot out of her that night with newlywed antics.

Dysfunctional familes.... Argggghhhhh! Isn't the job of caring for an Alzheimers patient hard enough without having to deal with a daughter sabotaging her mother's care and pitting the caregivers against each other? I really need to vent. (again) My sister in law has shown a pattern of elder abuse upon her mother. . Years ago my mother in law began having memory problems. We always encouraged patients who started to display this to make sure their health wishes were known in a "living will". The whole family was together and I was discussing this with my mother in law. When my sister in law heard I was speaking to her about a living will, went into a tantrum screaming how dare you talk to my mother about her will. When she dies I want EVERYTHING! Tried to explain it was a medical paper so her wishes for her care would be followed through. She would hear nothing of it.
The elder abuse, emotional, ex: threatening abandoment if her mother talked to her ex-husband. Slapping her hand if she touched the thermostat at her daughters home (after her mother paid to fill her oil tank so she would not be cold there). Neglecting to provide medical care when she was ill at her daughters home. Having her mother pay for her daughters groceries, her childrens (3) school clothes, and electric bills and many restaurant bills paying for family of 5.
As my MIL's dementia worsened to moderate Alzheimers my husband, POA took over the finances which stopped the daughter's gravy train.
The daughter went from calling her mother "mother" and now calls her Mommy. So strange!
When my MIL went to rehab after fractured hip I went into therapy room to see how she was doing. My MIL had high heeled shoes on. I asked the PT workers why, They said her daughter took her sneakers home. When it was found my MIL's blood count was critically low, my husband had to authorize her to go to hospital. He texted his sister who texted back....and said he was torturing her.....why not let her go home and let nature take its course, all i want is money left over! She did not care her mother was bleeding!
There has been many instances of her selfishness..... but I cringe at all the things we don't know for the things we do know are sickening. It is obvious she is trying to hasten her demise! Presently refuses to follow schedule (which is best for a dementia patient to have a schedule) for my MIL. She is 94 and keeps her up until 11:00 pm when her regular time is 8:00 pm. Refuses to follow the doctor prescibed diet and encourages her to use salt. This makes her short of breath, gain weight, and tired. The live in care giver was so worried about her care from her daughter she stayed over night on her time off just to see what was going on. The boyfriend and daughter drank gin and tonic (many). She did not do anything to adhere to her schedule.
Now she is calling her mother at times when she knows she would be asleep. 7:15 am,and 8:30 pm. The daughter constantly says caregivers say things they don't. The latest thing is her and boyfriend have exploited her mother of valuables, which a lawyer is now handling. My husband did not want to have to deal with his sister, really had dragged his feet because he knows dealing with this narcissist is a no win situation. We can't have a restraining order to keep daughter from her, her mother would never understand that. She actually needs supervised visitation.
I feel my concerns to her doctors and mom's pastor really fall on deaf ears. I realize there is little they can do. One doctor said the daughter is only there 1 weekend/ month and we have to deal with it. By the time the caregiver comes back from her weekend off my MIL is exhausted. I know someday soon, after my MIL is gone I will have the opportunity to confront my SIL.

Margeaux, maybe she had dementia? And/or was deaf and imagined you couldn't hear? My mother, who taught us NEVER to make personal remarks, has recently begun to say a few things about people around us that I'm sure she doesn't realise could hurt their feelings - partly deafness, perhaps, but I also suspect that 'loss of inhibition' symptom we read about.

As for your hair, buy a chic hat and then let your hair be its natural lovely self. Cosy in this cold weather, too! - you lose a lot of heat through your head.

O.K., so I've been trying to do some beauty treatment on my hair, because it as of lately has been looking so bad. I have thin, flyaway hair. So I went to a beauty supply and they gave me some samples of a product, that is shampoo, conditioner, then this serum (to activate the follicles) So tried it, and the serum does poof up the hair at the roots....but the hair itself was looking very dry, it kind of looked like a tumble weed. Nevertheless, I looked at myself in the mirror, and thought, "Well, at least I see more volume especially at the scalp level." That part in and of itself made me very happy.

So yesterday, upon feeling this way....I was in a garden supply store w/my husband. I was looking at a display. A store employee walks past me accompanied by this woman talking very loudly. I could hear her asking him questions before they happened upon me. When she saw me, she says, "Oh,
you need to comb your hair." Ouch, I thought! I of course was quite surprised at this remark.
Yes it was rude, and all you want to call it. But because of my small triumph I'd described w/volume......I felt deflated at hearing this. Well, obviously there was something wrong w/this woman, because she continued to make remarks to this employee of the store about, "why do people let their hair get so dry, blah di blah!" The were long past me too, in the store and I could still hear her. I just laughed, but this didn't do a thing for my deflated ego. I came home later, and put some hair oil on the ends. So I'm not sure about this product yet, but I always have had thin, flyaway hair. I don't think the weather is helping either.

As we were leaving the store, some other employees got our attention....as we heard her asking someone questions a few isles away. One of them made a remark about how he wished the lady would shut up, make her purchase and leave. Anyway, speaking of dysfunction, I wonder what mental disorder she has.
BTW, her hair looked like it had been died so many times it had that green hue to it. She was no Lady Godiva in terms of hair.

Margeaux

Standingalone,

I'm glad that you read about Narcissism. When I first joined this thread, I sure needed it too. Mother's sister, (who I named the battle ax), could sound somewhat like your mom. She throughout her lifetime was always present in our lives w/in our family because she and mom shared a very co-dependent relationship between themselves, then she didn't have any children. Mother was a narcissist too, but of a different variety. Mom and dad too for the enabling allowed our aunt to do her psychological abuse on we, her nephews and nieces. Of course on account of the gender biases in our family, and expectations by the two elder daughters (first me, then sis), we got the brundt of our aunt's wrath.
Oh boy....did she ever take us for a ride.
Of course, when I was younger.....I was quite the obedient and people pleaser.
That changed in terms of how I eventually related to both mother as an adult,
and definitely our aunt. I lived at mom's years ago, while dad was suffering with cancer. The battle ax lived there too, at the time. She was always being very opinionated about different things, many to do w/my parents. She had this terrible habit of snickering behind my dad's back, and trying to make fun of him. Well,
she tried erroneously to say some things to me in this vein too many times, and she really started to get on my nerves, and basically I wasn't having any more of her piss poor behavior anymore. Mind you she lived there, for free, and pretty much dad (because he loved to cook), enjoyed of the benefits of having most of her food taken care of. But of course I think sometimes she was poking fun at some of the things dad had made for dinner. I thought...."Gee, lucky her, if she doesn't like it, why doesn't she make her own food." But because mother seemed to feel oh so sorry for her sister. Dad too, some of her behavior was so in his face and abusive......he'd always make excuses and allowances for it. This was big part of the reason she turned into such a monster. This is where I started to draw the line. I was tired of the enabling by both mom and dad. But of course when I started to stand up to her, oh were we in for some battles. She even was lying/turning the tables as to what was going on. If you can believe it.....here I was helping out w/dad's cancer issues, like docs appointments, and some caregiving especially towards the end of his life, and having to put up w/her.
Some fights got so bad between her and myself, that one time she threatened to call the authorities on me, and later much to my total disappointment.....mom I found was in her camp!

After dad died, I moved the heck out of that house. Basically I told mother, who was now 80 yrs. old, I just wasn't going to live there.....because I wasn't going to tolerate the battle ax's abuse anymore.

She's dead now, 2 yrs. But my sister is the one who moved into mother's home,
to do the caregiving. They never ever got along, way back from childhood.
But my sister was more the appointed one in terms of the POA. Besides, I feel like my sister felt like she owed our aunt something. Even though my aunt was this horrible individual......I must credit her w/doing things too especially for my sister and her two kids. Previous to living w/mom & battle ax, had rented a small house from the battle ax, for way below market value. Our aunt had also babysat my sister's daughters when they were of school age. But of course the other factor is also that this aunt was living w/mother. So in essence if sis moved in w/mom, well she'd have to deal w/her too.
Caring for the two elders, wasn't an easy task for my sister, of which she did get help. But no less, the behavior problems w/our aunt you can imagine got very bad. She was never diagnosed for any mental disorders either.

In essence......when I came to this forum.....I felt kind of beat up, because even though I didn't live in that household I did do some CG relief for my sister.
I also was hearing about every kind of abuse committed by our aunt, and how she eventually was doing divide and conquer w/in the family to we siblings, via inheritance, and all of that. It felt awful my knowing, this lady isn't right from the head, but not knowing what to call it. I did suggest to my sister to try to see how we could get her evaluated, but unfortunately instead of really hearing what I was saying, my sister was too bonded to acting out and either fighting w/her, or fanning flames. At some point in that game, I would just listen to the complaints, and that was that.

I know you did a very long haul with your mom, what was it 10 yrs.?
Despite whatever, I'm sure you did a good job, there's no question about that.
It's normal to feel some of what you are feeling too. Even when my dad passed,
as much as I loved him......there were some anger issues I experienced, too.

Well what I can offer is keep reading up about the Narcissism.
At the very least we end up knowing that we're not the ones just behaving badly.
Yes, it's crazy making stuff, too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Bookluvr,

Curcumin is a very powerful herb. It contains anti-inflammatory properties,
hence is very good for those kinds of conditions. I drink it in hot water,and you don't have to put too much in there, either. I do this when I run out of my green tea, (reminds me have to go to Chinatown) for that. Cinnamon can bring your blood pressure down. Yes, there are some good things out there, we just have to find them.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I hardly ever come to this thread but I figured I would today. I'm thinking about my mom and this thread is about narcissists.... This is for me...

My mom died Dec 20th. Before she died I always wondered how I'd feel when she was gone. Our 'relationship' was anything but loving. And yet I loved her. My feelings toward my mom are so complicated and twisted up that I don't know what I feel when I think of her sometimes... I've always known there was something seriously wrong with my mom but until I found this site I had no idea exactly what it was. I knew about some forms of mental illness but I'd never heard the word narcissist. When I read about narcissism here for the first time I could literally feel the bells clanging in my head. Finally, I had the answer. That was profound for me. All my life I'd wondered what in the hell my mom's problem was and there it was, right in front of me. Every sign. Every symptom. Knowing that there was a name to the kind of craziness I've dealt with was the biggest relief, the most crushing weight off that you can imagine. The day I read about narcissism and could tell someone, anyone, in all honesty what my mom was REALLY like and have them just get it was one of the best things that has ever happened to me in my whole life. The second that I read about narcissism I realized for probably the first time in my life that I wasn't crazy. It felt like I hadn't taken a breath in 48 years and now I finally could. Lawd, finally there's proof that I'm not imagining things...

Trying to describe to anyone what my mom was really like was almost impossible. It's not that I couldn't find words to describe her, it's that nobody believed me. They looked at me like I was crazy. My mom was always on her best behavior in front of other's. Always. So nice. So sweet. So cuddly. Yeah. Sometimes, people talking to me about how 'nice' my mom was drove me bat shit crazy. I'd just have to grit my teeth most of the time and keep my mouth shut, but a few times I did try and tell friends. Unfortunately for my mom though, she messed up and let her mask slip a couple of times in front of close family friends. They got it then. They were shocked to see my mom truly in action. And by the looks on their faces as my mom was literally having me for dinner in front of them they were embarrassed for me. The fact that my mom would degrade me so badly in front of others was embarrassing to them, too, but my mom didn't get that. It was awkward for one of our friends to come here, she used the word 'ugly' when describing how my mom had verbally shredded me in front of her one day. Indeed.


As a kid it came to me somehow that my mom was setting me up to fail. I knew it in my gut, I knew there was something seriously wrong with this concept and in that moment of knowing, like I knew the sun would rise, I just quit caring. I didn't give a tinker's damn about pleasing my mom anymore and I let it be known. I knew I was going to be in for war, but war be damned. This woman wasn't going to rule me anymore.

In order to 'escape' my mother I knew I was going to be in for one hell of a mental joyride through hell. Nobody tells my mom 'NO' when she wants something. She's like a pit bull with a t bone. She won't let loose. My mom, when thwarted, went into seek and destroy mode. At that point, I didn't give a shit. I was geared for battle. I had my own trusty weapon. Anger.

As a kid I knew my mom's standards were so impossibly high that there was no hope of me even coming close to reaching them so I just quit bothering. Unfortunately my mom could make me do things as a kid, but I wondered the lengths she'd go to to keep her hooks in me now that I was an adult. .

My mom treated me like the hired help. She'd say 'Get up and...' (usually something involving scrubbing or cleaning)and her tone was so commanding that it left no room for doubt that she expected you to jump and drop everything right then and there to do her bidding... I used to resent the hell out of being ordered all the time, having someone lord it over me with an iron fist, trying to dictate and dominate my every move and annihilate my every thought. I was sick to death at my mom requiring me to be something else, somebody else, just to please her and have peace. I decided I wouldn't lift a single finger as long as she talked to me like that and I told her that one day. She wanted me to do something and I wasn't feeling well. I told her I'd get to it the next day. No, that wasn't good enough. She wanted it done now. I told her, again, that I wasn't feeling great and I really just didn't feel up to housework at the moment. Then the screeching and yelling and screaming and name calling would begin... It was like a torrent, an avalanche, of anger that she hit me with just for simply telling her that she'd have to wait a day for me to get that work. She would literally scream 'I want it done NOW!!' like a 2 year old having a hissy fit. It was insane.

Well, I thought, fuck it. I was so angry at her at that point in time that I was more merciless than she was and I gave it back to her in spades. I yelled and screamed right back, something I usually tried to avoid doing. Most of the time I simply walked away or left the house. Not this time. This time I knew that to grab some dignity back from my mom I was going to have to turn into a bigger devil than she was, a stronger devil, a more relentless devil. My mom was relentless. If she got pissed off about something she'd gnaw on it for sometimes mere days, sometimes mere weeks, and sometimes endless months..... And the whole time her mouth is going. She's raising hell morning noon and night. She's yelling at me every single time she see's me. She bangs on my door calling me all kinds of vile names. She'd follow me hurling abuse. All day. All night. Every day. Every night. She just wouldn't stop. She harped. She badgered. She threw things. She sometimes got physically abusive. It always amazed me how much energy my mom seemed to possess when she was in a rage and wanting her way... It amazed me that she was willing to expend so damn much of it trying to keep me in a strangle hold. Trying to break away from a narcissist is going to be the biggest battle you'll ever fight and you best be ready mentally. It can get really ugly. If I simply wanted to go somewhere and my mom didn't want me to she'd utterly lose her mind. I was astounded, blown away, every single time I thought about just what lengths my mom was willing to go to to keep me under lock and key, to keep me in her shadow the rest of my life. I just didn't, couldn't, get the kind of mentality that needed so much control that they'd be willing to HURT you to maintain it. God, I felt so much anger myself by the time I decided my mom was going to cut loose come hell or high water. One way or the other, she would shut the fuck up. I was going to shut her up no matter what it took for me to do it.

This sounds weird, but I've always thought that when it came to me my mom acted like those crazy boyfriends and girlfriends, the stalkers, you see on tv, not like a mother. For every single millimeter of freedom I gained I had to fight a long and bloody war. I had to resort to threats of bodily harm, I had to literally get in my mom's face and threaten to kick her ass seven ways to Sunday if she didn't back off me, if she didn't learn about a thing called 'boundaries' real quick.

I like to think I'm an ok person. I like to think I'm possessed of at least some intelligence and common sense. But what I had to turn into to deal with my mom, to deal with such a controlling personality and try and get free of it will haunt me the rest of my days. I turned into as much of an abuser as I mom. I became an even bigger abuser. I had to. I had to beat my mom at her own game somehow, and all my mom ever understood was anger. If you wanted her to hear a thing you said you had to scream louder. God, I've hated myself for that. I hated for having to stoop to my mom's level. But you poke a tiger in a cage long enough it's just a matter of time before it tries to bite your head off. That's what it always felt like with my mom. Like she had the stick and she took great pleasure out of jabbing me with it on a daily basis. To break out of that cage she insisted I live in with her I had to fight her like a caged animal. That's what being around my mom always made me feel like. A beast willing to gnaw it's on leg off to be free of the trap.

Yeah, getting free of someone controlling like that isn't easy. I'm not sure if what I've said makes any sense. I know people would probably have expected me to 'talk' to my mom, 'reason' with her, say nice, polite things...you know, just like everyone says it should be to play well with others in this life. Unfortunately, 'talking' and 'reasoning' didn't work with my mom. She didn't understand the concept. Try reasoning with a run away bull dozer while you're standing in front of it.

My mom's crazy personality attracted every predator within a hundred mile radius. It's like the word 'SUCKER' was glowing in bright neon to every taker around. If you told her what she wanted to hear she liked and trusted you. Immediately. On the spot. Unfortunately for me I was the only one that told her what she never wanted to hear...the truth. The one she should have trusted, me, she didn't. The ones she never should have trusted, she did. I've had to stand by and watch my mom get taken advantage of by these blood suckers and there was nothing I could do about it. My mom was very fond of telling me that I was a mental case with no friends, that I 'never got along' with anyone and of course I would never have all the 'good friends' like she had. Yeah, well, I'd rather be alone than be surrounded by grinning wolves any day of the week. I've had to go up against some seriously hard core takers to STOP them from conning my mom. I'm not inclined to be very friendly toward people that I know are throwing out stupid sob stories for sympathy when it comes to the rent. Sometimes the same renter, month after month, would come to the house AGAIN with some lame excuse as to why they couldn't pay the rent or all of the rent, and my mom would say OF COURSE she understood. Of course, it was FINE. No problem. :D Um...what? By the 2nd month of seeing these losers I already had their number and I made no bones about it to my mom. I told my mom she was being taken for a ride, that going 3-4 months without paying what you owe in rent every month was NOT ok. She would say that I was just a miserable bitch that didn't like anyone. These people were so NICE, and I was just jealous that people loved her and that I was a loner that 'couldn't get along' with people. I'd listen to her talk to me like that and I'd seethe. I mean, really? How would anyone react to a con artist in their midst? I can see a taker coming from a thousand miles away. My mom was blind to them and she wasn't about to listen to the advice of someone as 'worthless' as myself. I just remember thinking sometimes, 'You poor, clueless bitch...' I couldn't make my mom listen, and these people had woken the dragon... lol I got to the point dealing with people taking advantage of my mom (which started happening more and more often as time went on) that I literally confronted them about it and made it very clear that I didn't want them in my house and that they were no longer welcome to set foot through my door. I refused to let these people see my mom anymore. I made it very clear that from now on, they'd deal with me when it came to the rent, that my mom was no longer available. Ever. And since they were 3 months behind on the rent, I wanted the full amount due within the week or I wanted them off the property. Any questions? My mom raged. She screamed because I did that. Told me it was none of my gd business what she did or who she saw or who she talked to... I had to make it my business. What else? Stand by and watch someone else walk away with a check? The day I found out she had co-signed a fat 5 digit check for some loser bitch, her days of handling the money were over. And there was hell to pay. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to protect the elderly from themselves. It burned that she was so good, so understanding, so kind and compassionate toward these morons but treated her own daughter like something you wipe off the bottom of your shoe... My mom should have been thanking God she had people around that cared about her, had her back, looked out for her. Had someone talked her into signing her properties away it wouldn't have surprised me. She would give her credit card number to strangers who called, not really knowing much about who they were, if they were legit, etc. She didn't ask questions, she just believed what someone said and got into some major credit card trouble where fraud was involved...it was unreal. Dealing with my mom's crazy personality and ways has worn me the hell out. I need some good in my life. Peace. Tranquility. Quiet.

Through these years I've come to really distrust people as a whole. Dealing with my mom's personality and the types of people she'd attract drove me mad. My instinct for losers is so strong at this point that nobody could con me if they wanted to. I can see a con artist coming a long way off and I have nothing for them. If I'm forced to be around people that give me really bad vibes and forced to endure their presence for long I can become physically ill in a very short period of time. Some people give off such a strong, toxic vibe that I literally feel squirmy and queasy when I'm around them. I hate that feeling so much that I will be mean and rude to such people. I will tell such people that they really shouldn't come around me anymore. I am merciless with such people, that's how badly I want those types the hell out of my world...

I'm babbling. I'm weary and tired almost all the time. To gain even a tiny inch with my mom meant playing major hardball sometimes. I'm glad I don't have to play anymore. I know who I am and who and what kind of person I want to be. That person is nothing at all like my mom. Dealing with a narcissistic personality is always an uphill battle. There's always a war going on. It's always something with a narcissist.

Solitude, aloneness, is sweet right now. .

My, that did get long...

Remember how you all mentioned anti-depressants? I get these weekly emails on Natural ways of handling our daily heath problems. Like today, I found out that honey can be used to help with dandruff and seborrheic dermatitis (lesions, scales & itchiness of the scalp.) Anyway, I was copying this info to my FILE: Natural Remedies when I saw this one on Anti Depressants. I'm not crazy about curry so I don't see myself using the below..... I thought I would share this with you all as an... FYI....

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Try This Natural Alternative to Antidepressants

If you suffer from depression, you may be able to treat it without the use of antidepressant drugs.

Antidepressants, such as Paxil, Prozac, Zoloft and Abilify are one of the most widely prescribed classes of drugs in the U.S. In fact, about one out of every 10 Americans are on some form of antidepressant or another.

But they come with side effects. They can make you feeling tired, dizzy and foggy. Diarrhea, constipation and nausea aren't uncommon. And when it comes to your sex life, they might just leave you feeling impotent.

Now researchers have found a common spice works almost as well as Prozac in relieving depressive symptoms. Without the side effects!

Curcumin, which is found in turmeric, is one of the main components of curry powder. This Indian spice is packed with antioxidants that reduce inflammation, help stave off cancer and even protect against Alzheimer's.

And thanks to a new study, now we can add depression to the list.

Researchers from Baylor University Medical Center recruited 60 patients suffering from depression and divided them into three groups.

One group received 20 mg of a generic form of Prozac (fluoxetine) each day. Another group took curcumin supplements (500 mg twice daily.) And the final group was given a combination of the two.

Guess what happened over the course of the next six weeks?

All the groups showed similar improvements in their depressive symptoms! In other words, both fluoxetine and curcumin were equally effective.

The study concluded by stating "Curcumin may be used as an effective and safe modality for treatment in patients with MDD [major depressive disorder] without concurrent suicidal ideation or other psychotic disorders."

To get more curcumin in your diet, you can add it to sautéed vegetables, dips and curries. But you would have to eat it several times a day to get enough. However, you can always invest in a high quality curcumin supplement.

IMPORTANT: Before supplementing with curcumin, talk to your doctor to make sure it WON'T INTERACT with any of your current medications, ESPECIALLY if you are taking a BLOOD THINNER.

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Hi all. I just wanted to share with you something that I received at work. We get these many updates from around the world. I hope it helps a little bit in making you a little less stress today. I shared this exactly on another thread since I think we all need something light amidst our daily stress.

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Parisians also have rules for their underground system. However, these have been distributed with a little more sophistication – via an online ‘politeness’ manual released by the Paris transport authority to ensure civility prevails at all times.

Called the ‘Manuel du savoir-vivre à l’usage du voyageur moderne’ – or ‘politeness manual for the modern traveler’ - it lists 12 ‘commandments’ for Parisians to abide by and comes complete with quaint sketches to illustrate the points.

The online guide, which was drawn up using suggestions from the public, is split into four categories – ‘helpfulness’, ‘courtesy’, ‘manners’ and ‘politeness’.

The rules insist that Parisians must offer help to tourists ‘in Bermuda shirts with a metro map in one hand and the other hand in their hair’, hold the door open for passengers behind them – and greet the driver.

Travelers should also understand, the guide states, that ‘the huge crossed out cigarette on the platform is not a work of art but a ban on smoking’.

‘It's worth losing two minutes of your time for a good cause if only to hear the [foreign] passenger struggle to pronounce [the metro stops] 'Trinité d'Estienne d'Orves' or 'La Motte Piquet-Grenelle', it says.

The key no-nos are not playing music too loudly through headphones, resisting the temptation to stare for a long time at beautiful women and holding back from starting a fight with someone who’s just stepped on your toes.

Loud phone conversations should also be avoided, old lady’s bags should be carried up stairs, armpits should be covered by arms and not exposed to the carriage – and handkerchiefs not just used to wave someone off with, but to sneeze into (“keep our germs to ourself”.)

Last but not least – the Metro is not to be mistaken for a lavatory.

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Book-my nephew's wife has PCOS which causes ovarian cysts, facial hair, and acme. Woman with this condition have irregular cycles and difficulty getting pregnant too. My dil's issueis her ovaries don't produce an egg resulting in months without a cycle and sometimes her cycle is only a bit of spotting. Apparently taking hormones won't work for my dil either. My son and dil live in Southern California my daughter lives in Idaho. They most likely will not see each other very often. You are right that they have to accept their situation.

Sharyn, I have a friend whom we were classmates for 3 years in high school. Like me, our menstrual was not regular. I skipped every other month. She would skip for several months, and then when she had her period, she bled heavy and weeks. She even ended up hospitalized due to loss of blood. Then in college, I met her boyfriend. They got married and tried for years to have a baby. In our culture, the norm is to have several children. If you're married and you have no kids, people automatically think there's "something wrong" with one of you. So, not only did they have the pressure from within the married, but also among the relatives, friends, etc... I'm sure that every time someone in the family got pregnant, people would "jokingly" ask them when will they have one. I understand from another friend of ours that this friend was having marital problems because she had difficulty getting pregnant. I Think it was after 15 years of marriage before she FINALLY got pregnant. I really really don't think your son and dil would get over this. Maybe if they just accept their situation and continue to nurture their marriage and love for one another, maybe one day, 13 or 15 years down the road, they will be surprised with a pregnancy.

Crocheting.....good golly Ms. Molly! My grandmother tried showing me to do this when I was a kid. But for some reason, I just couldn't get past making those chains. So I think this is what spurred me to learn to sew. I do like that.

Margeaux

Sharynmarie,
We have those blinds. They broke awhile back, and it took our landlady forever to fix them. I don't like the fact that they're a pia to clean. Curtains are easier.
I wouldn't want to have to go through that again, if I were you either!

It is sad that your son and his wife can't rejoice about the pregnancy.
I'm sure since you've described as they being competitive, doesn't help.
I agree with Emjo though that they need to do some maturing. I mean it is sad the DIL can't conceive for the moment.....who knows maybe that may change.
It's hard to tell people how to feel. The thing you can hope for is they do deal with their issue, but not allow it to reflect against your daughter, nor you.

That's a good idea having your sister take your mom to the IHOP.
I'm sure your mom will enjoy her birthday.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oh and I wish we could edit! He says it takes balls to knit.

Not all men hate knitting. Anybody remember Rosie Greer? Hobby knitting, NFL player, turned actor, even has needlepoint kits for men. Google him.

Ladies, I know it is a very old fashioned look, but I just love crocheted doilies, table runners, table clothes..the lacy look. I do use them in my home even though it is out dated but I love it. I took all the white doilies and ecru doilies my mom made...sis doesn't like the doily thing...more for me, plus hand made by my mom.

Sis is going to take mom out to Ihop around 10am on her birthday. My brother will meet her there. My brother can be sis's buffer this time. Sis just wants to control things with our mom too much and I want to have time with my mom privately just like I did with my dad when he had Alz and was in the nursing home. My mom wanted all of us to visit when she visited so we came as a big family front of support. The visit ended up being all about mom instead of dad. My sister is doing the same thing now.

I visited with my friend Sandra today too. She is the 73 year old I told you all about who found love again with a widower who she went through school with. They were married in December and I wanted to catch up with her on wedding, view the pictures with her. It was great, I have the password so I can show my hubby the pics online, hubby worked for Sandra's first husband.

Joan~You are right that the whole wedding fiasco is in the past and for me, it has no bearing on how I feel about my son and dil. I am sad for them that they may not get to be parents, I do hope they can adopt a child or twins since that is important for my dil. Her father has an identical twin...it is her dream to have twins and I certainly hope it can happen.

sandwich - it is bait - that always gets to me. There may be a real need, but it is used for bait and the attention is far more important to them then getting the need met.

glad -50 ways to leave your mother on the phone - hilarious!!!

Sharyn -yellow dust ruffles sound lovely. Lots of fun preparing for babies.Stick to your guns re your mother's b'day. Re the jealousy of sin and dil, I would stay out of it for the most part. It is too bad they feel this way, and I know that infertility is a very tough thing, but it is not your daughter's fault. I hope they will get over it enough to be able to rejoice a bit with you. I agree they need to grow up. The wedding thing is in the past, and it sounds like you have helped both of your kids one way or another. $10,000 wedding and they didn't have much money????? Whoa!

cm -what make is your phone? I have looked at mine and don't see anything that allows it. I think I will buy a new set. This one was a cheapo on sale and I have regretted buying it for several reasons. I know I can get a second phone number which would have a different ringtone for the same line which might accomplish the same thing. No calls so far today. Yay!!! Crocheting is much easier that knitting. I learned knitting very early in life, Crocheting was my 50th year accomplishment. I think I may start again. I used to crochet baby stuff and give it away to the Thrift shop. Your aunt was great. I had an aunt-in-law like that. "No, I don't think so, dear," said in very pleasant tones and with a big smile.
Agreed none of the mil's business who spent what on who. I have tried to be fair to my kids when it comes to hand outs, loans and gifts, but it is not a matter of "equal". You balance meeting their needs, against the resources you have and what seems fair. Thankfully mine aren't really that interested in what I do
for the others. I am sure you are pretty good at knitting and you will master crochet.

book, nice thought, but I will can settle for the amount of character I have. I have been dealing with the sis/mother stuff all my life and there has been worse Fortunately I can cut them off now if I need to.

Veronica - good to hear that crochet is easier on the joints. I did some fine-ish work some years ago, but would not try it now I don't even want to sew buttons on these days.

Took an extra 1/2 dose as the extra dose yesterday had me awake till midnight. I am amazed how much the extra dose yesterday helped. Don't need to dissolve in tears too much more. Mothers should be safely out of the way soon and my brain can start to recover. Hearing so much crazy talk really does a number on me especially when combined with losses. I know current losses trigger off other unresolved losses - and the loss of Gordie will always be unresolved. You just don't get over the loss of a child and that makes me more vulnerable. This is a hard month for G too. Horse court case coming up near the end of Feb. He is countering with unsubstantiated charges, which I think they are, but you never know what will happen in court. I am not impressed with his lawyer. Unfortunately, justice is a nice idea in theory, but not that often served by the legal system.

Have a good day all, and do something good for you.

I'll never forget the long journey from Marble Arch to Lewisham on the 36 bus when I sat next to a grandmotherly black lady who was working on the most beautiful, fine lace baby blanket - it just seemed to grow out of her fingers, wonderful to watch. Since then I've been to two workshops: think I've got it, come home proudly with my somewhat misshapen sampler, then sit down to start on my own modest project and - boof! Never get past the chain. But I shall persevere! One day my grandchildren will sit at my knee saying Gosh Granny aren't you clever… (yeah right). Oh well perhaps they'll admire my prowess at mending a bicycle puncture, instead.

Why do men hate knitting so much? - and not just the doing it, the mere presence of it (I know there are honourable exceptions). Does it hark back to the guillotine, do you think? They seem to find it genuinely sinister.

A Chinese student was watching me knit on the Tube once and asked what I was making. I explained it was a jumper for my teenage daughter, but I wasn't really very good at knitting. "No," she said sadly. Should have asked her if she had any tips, only I was too stunned.

On the subject of crocheting. just don't aim too high. You can easily learn from the illustrations in a book. Start with granny squares and sew them into afghans and you are on your way. I have always knitted but never croched so there was no chance of learning the beautiful fine work one of my aunts used to attach to table cloths. Scraps of sport weight yarn and a good sized hook and them you can see what you are doing. If your arms and shoulders ache too much for knitting this puts much less strain. (And it does not annoy hubby with the clicking of needles) Ho ho
Do we girls become less patient as the years race by or do husbands get more crabby?

Yes, CM...the horrors of being the Mother In Law, LOL!!

Oh my goodness the you got this and I got that and it's NOT FAIR - I can't bear it. My children know that if I've got any cash I'll spend it happily on them but most of the time I haven't - it seems to even out! (Or at least I hope they agree that it does…) And quite what business your son's MIL had voicing her opinion I really don't know - what terrible manners. Shudder.

Book~Yes, the whole accusations of favorites with my son's mil was a big disappointment and over stepping of our boundaries by his mil. Money was tight for us that year with the possibility of my husband losing his job. Hubby had saved $500 as a wedding gift for our son and dil. There wedding was very formal and out of our budget amounting to over $10,000.00. We ended up giving the $500 to help pay for flowers instead of as a gift for our son and dil. The next year our daughter got married, she and her fiance (now her husband), saved for a down payment on a house, qualified for the loan on their own..before they got married. They decided to have a very simply informal wedding. Our budget for their wedding was around $4,000.00 if she had a formal wedding and not go into debt for a big fancy affair. We spent about $900 on an informal wedding and gave $3,000 to our daughter and sil as a wedding gift. My son's mil had a fit over this because we didn't do the same for our son. What his mil refused to accept was that during the first year of my son's marriage, my husband and I had given our son and dil well over $3,000 over a period of time to help them out financially because they were struggling to pay off the big wedding and other bills. In addition, my son and dil moved in with us for a year, rent free so they could catch up on bills which they never did do. That is story behind that issue and the continuing jealously between my son and daughter.

CM~My dil doesn't talk to me about how she feels regarding infertility, my son says she is sad about it, yet she always is so peppy and happy when I see her. Her issue is early ovarian shut down. Her mother and grandmother had the same thing but they were able to conceive in spite of it. There is hope...she is only 25 years old which does make it sad. You are right, they will get over it eventually...it's not like my daughter purposely planned on having twins just to trump them.

I can't knit but wish I could. Nothing is prettier than a knitted sweater...a crocheted sweater is too puffy looking but is pretty for blankets, hats and booties. Crochet is fairly easy, everything revolves around the single chain stitch.

As my sister goes...I like, "I wish I could, but I don't want to" because thats the truth,LOL!! She is trying to orchestrate my mom's birthday which again, I don't want to do that either. Just let people visit mom on their own terms and time frame...that's not asking too much.

CM find a patient crocheter to teach you -I am not great at either but am able to teach a person because I can be patient-our craft group has some so talented women and most are willing to teach other they make involved beautiful items and I go along making my Charlie Brown laprobs or shawls. There are instruction books for kids that teach it simlpely -once you get single crochet the rest is easy-if there is a craft store around someone who works there may like to teach you -a good craft person wants to teach others. actually I admire good knitters -I could never get the tension right so am stuck with scarves.