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Sharynmarie, I was reading again about your sister and the whole blind performance, this business of people somehow getting to think that it's perfectly ok to expect some one ELSE to volunteer for a task they're not prepared to take on themselves. We need more nice (or at least unapologetic) ways to say No.

"That would be, no."

Just "No."

"I don't think so."

"Not… so... fast…" like Goldie Hawn in Private Benjamin, at the altar.

At the end of one Sunday lunch, my grandmother stood up after coffee, smiled fondly on my aunt (her favourite child) and said: "Would you like to come and help with the washing up?" And my aunt said, with perfect cheerfulness: "Not particularly, no." As far as I can remember we all took turns with the drying-up cloths in the end, but I've always thought that was definitely the way to do it. It's all in the tone of voice.

An old friend of mine, an army officer for more than thirty years, just says "h'm." Then changes the subject.

When our children want something from him (usually money-related) that my ex isn't about to stump up, he says "you have my blessing." E.g. "Daddy, I thought it would be great to go and visit Auntie Sarah in Australia before I start my new job/do a Master's/get my driving licence..." "You have my blessing." They know not to pursue it.

And another old, but sadly also late, friend of mine used to say - with gusto - "Not a chance!"

I think the trick must be in having the confidence that one's refusal is fair, reasonable and therefore entirely unobjectionable. That way there's no guilt or anxiety attached. Hmm, I notice that most of my role models seem to be men… could this by any chance be significant, I wonder?
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Sharynmarie, I can see why it would be irritating that your son and wife can't be a bit more grown up and generous and happy about your daughter's exciting news; but you already understand it from their point of view - seeing that YET AGAIN she gets a double award and he gets another struggle to cope with - give them time, they'll get over it. I should give them the kid glove treatment, as you are already, by respecting their feelings. It'll be nice when they cheer up and start sending out more positive (not to mention gracious) vibes, but I don't think you can make it happen. Maybe you can gently make it clear that it would make you happy if they could be happy for you, at least. Or at least not be grumpy. It's not like your daughter's good fortune is really any skin off their noses, rationally speaking.

I think that's the kind of jealousy that makes the jealous person feel painfully conscious of his own "shortcomings" (as he sees it, not you of course) rather than envious of the other's good fortune or earned success. Though it must be even worse if you work your socks off while your sibling appears to breeze through life and STILL walks off with the prizes! Not Fair!

How is your daughter in law managing her difficulties? I know infertility can be a desperately painful issue - make sure you're not just seeing the tip of an iceberg, perhaps? Early days, enjoy the crochet (now I'm jealous - never could quite master it, so I'm stuck with knitting).
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But most especially something as sensitive as not being about to have children.... They can always Pretend to be happy of the good news.
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Emjo, might as well try to view this as something positive? Like maybe it's help building you to handle it now before the big guns come out when sis/mother do their usual thing. You know, "building character" "building experience amidst adversity/verbal abuses" ... Yeah, I agree... that don't work for me....

Sharyn, I don't know how you can overcome your son/dil's attitude towards your daughter and her pregnancy. In the first place, dil's personality doesn't have what you or your daughter would like to see. Just as your son's demeanor won't allow him to do the same, either. They will always see things from their own point-of-view and not see and share someone else's happiness in which they don't have. Remember, the wedding drama? Your son will always (hopefully he will outgrow it) compete with his sister. My two older brothers STILL compete and try to outdo one another. My 2 young nieces (age 20 and 22) - the older one Always competes with her younger sister. When younger one got pregnant, we all just KNEW that the older girl would get pregnant. And she did.. 7 months apart! When younger buys a rocking child chair, the older went and got one. So, we see the ages - early 20s (nieces) and my older brothers (late 40's)... Sometimes, there's really nothing you can do without causing hard feelings, hurt feelings or misconstrued "favoritism". Who knows, maybe someone here who has dealt with their 2 children on this might be able to give you good advice.
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I am very proud of my son too. He works hard and the type of work he does is suited for his personalilty and abilities. He is kind hearted which I love about him. I told him I appreciated his honesty about having mixed feelings that his sister is pregnant with twins and that they may still become parents just as his mil did even though she has the same issue my daughter in law has.
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Kindle error dip is daughter in law and posses is pisses me off...LOL!
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Oh poop it submitted before I was ready. My point is...my sons wife has fertility issues that has impacted their hopes for a child. Plus my dips family has twins that run in the family. So Yes, you guessed it right...my son is not being supportive of my daughters news. She has without calculation stolen their thunder. How do I deal with this since I understand my son and dips disappointment, but their lack of aclnowledgement posses me off because they need to adults about this too. Any ideas??
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My son has struggled through school and into his adult life. He is very intelligent academically, but he also has ADHD. As a result, he looks for easy ways to get around things which worked for him as a child going through school.He is very jealous of his sister because she was and is very studious and thorough which has rewarded her with accomplishments that my son has not been able to achieve. These accomplishments have no bearing on my sons value to me...he has his own abilities that make him special...he was reading before he wad in first grade, he was reading 2 years above his grade level by the time he was in 3rd grade.
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If you've got a phone you can record speed dial numbers on - hang on, let me get the thing and remember how it works.

Ok, we're looking at a cordless phone (for a landline, though, it's not a cellphone), with a Menu button in the centre. You can record people's names and telephone numbers in its little Directory thing (note to self: always keep instruction manuals), and when you do record an entry it saves the name, then the number, then gives you the option of three different ring tones to choose from before you finally save that item.

It might be worth dragging out the phone's booklet and seeing if it'll let you do that. If not, this one here is an elderly (10+ years) common or garden variety BT model, so I'm sure it wouldn't be expensive or hard to find a better one.
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Glad~That is too funny, LOL!! Emjo could set it up so it plays 50 ways to leave your mother, only when her mother calls, Haha!! That sounds like something I would have done (if possible) when I first got married. Hubby and I made a pact that we would visit my parents once a week so they would not visit us...and it worked,LOL!! Being the youngest, I think they were more accepting of their children moving on too. My mom sure put my other 3 siblings through the ringer when they got married, she caused lots of problems and issues.

As far as the bossiness goes with husbands, my problem is my sister. Last spring hubby and I took down my mom's vertical blinds from the sliding glass door. We took it to the store my mom bought it from because the pull chain didn't work and being a Hunter Douglas product, it is guaranteed for life. It is quiet a job removing the slats from the header, loading the header in the truck,etc. Then when it was fixed, we had to pick it up, bring it back to mom's house, install it and put the slats back on it. Believe me when I say, my hubby is not the kind of guy who wants to be doing this kind of stuff even for me!!! Hubby's attitude is you should be able to do these things for yourself and if you can't do it, then you should not have it to begin with, LOL!!! The blinds do not work right again because my mom forgot how to use them so once again....my sister told me...my hubby and I will need to take them in for repair again. Yes...right? I don't think so, I don't even want to ask hubby to do this again. I am thinking we should just go buy a curtain rod and some inexpensive curtains (tasteful of course) and leave it at that. Sis thinks we have nothing else to do and because I have a husband, it is my responsibility to get it done...yeah right!!

My plan for my mother's birthday is that I will have lunch with her at Ihop or somewhere comparable. I will leave it up to my sister to acknowledge my mother separate because sis expects me to give up my rest time. She is back at work...working 4 hours (1-5) everyday. She is having trouble letting go of her job because she made her job her life. She insists on going to work everyday instead of working the 20 hours in 2-1/2 days. I refuse to get up early to have a brunch or breakfast when I have opportunity to get some extra sleep not having to be at work until 4pm that day. Besides, we don't have to do everything "together". This is how my mom thinks too.

I am off tomorrow and all I plan to do is see my mom, cook dinner, and sit around and crochet...I have to make double of everything now. I have a large amount of yellow fabric that my daughter had picked out to use as table clothes for her informal wedding,...I am thinking of using it to make dust ruffles for the cribs and cafe style curtains for the window in the babies room Some busy fun time for me, YaY!!

have a good night everyone!!
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Why don't home phones have the capability for different tunes like cell phones do? EMJO you could program the phone to play 50 Ways to Leave Your Mother. Then each time mom calls you would be reminded of what you really need to do and sing along with Paul Simon a number of times each day. It would also be handy if certain callers could only get through for an hour or two each day. Now I'm fantasizing again, would like to have one of those myself for other family members. LOL!
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Veronica,

Oh don't you just dislike that about the husband? My husband is lazy when it comes to any house stuff. We've two doves that live next door, because we couldn't have the in our apt., because we have a landlady from hell. So I go daily in the a.m., put their little food trays in the cage, and I clean & change the newspaper on bottom of their cage. My husband is supposed to put the down at night. He covers the cage w/a blanket, so they won't get so cold. So this evening I got a soup going. Then I tell the husband I was going for my walk around the block. He asks me whether I could put the birds down. I made a face, and he didn't like it, and started to want to make a fuss about why as he said, "I can tell you don't want to do this, because your making faces." I told him, "Well, yes.....
the evening is your turn to do this chore," I have the morning shift. These manipulative comments, I don't need to hear. But I understand what you're saying, about the "bossy," comment.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Emjo, i love the jokes!

Today's call with mom was typically her. Bizarre and confrontational. She calls me but won't talk. Long periods of silence until I ask a question, then mostly one word answers except to complain about nonsense. I finally hung up because i could hear her moving papers around, but she wouldn't talk back. Maybe she forgot she was on the phone. Maybe she thought she'd just let me hang there asking for her to respond. Who the ____ knows. With her growing ever more childish and petulant, it could be anything. The upside is that if something was really wrong, the facility will let me know. Part of me resents being manipulated, part of me says "give up" because she's got dementia, and a very very very tiny part of me wants to know what on earth she was up to over there.

The rational side of me knows this must be a sign that she wants companionship, but doesn't have the skills to do anything about it any more, and this is her feeble way of trying. But it's bait. If I go over there, it's not a visit, but a chore session with a list of never satisfied demands, berating, and hate. Time for a hot toddy.
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Nice message.

I should get G to leave the message. I think that would have a good effect.

There are ten different ring tones on my phone. I just changed to something less strident, but you cannot assign them to a specific caller. as you can with some cell phones. I believe I can effective block some calls - my sister's for example. Worth a try though she hasn't called from overseas for a while but who knows once she finds out about mother. I will just let mother's go to voice mail as usual, until they (hopefully) become more reasonable. If it gets too bad, I will block them too, Right now I cant answer. Dealing with nasty calls and accusations and just plain craziness on top of the sad emotions is too much.

some paranoia jokes because I need some humor ~~~~~

Being paranoid means never having to think that you're alone.

Q: What happens when a paranoid has low self-esteem?
A: He thinks that nobody important is out to get him

Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant - it tends to get worse.
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Veronica, if I spoke too pleasantly to my G about putting out the garbage he'd think I was being sarcastic. Although to be fair we usually share and share alike - so if I'm asking it's because I'm fed to the back teeth of its having been my turn ALL WEEK. (Or - whispers - because it's raining and I'd rather he got wet than me.)

Emjo, what's going to happen to the call rate when things start moving with your mother? Have you got a plan in place? Pre-empt it - because you can't be having flashbacks later on every time you want to use your own phone. Have a new model ready to install, or something - and, by the way, yes you can get landline appliances with at least three different ringtones; there may be others on the market with more, but I know ours has got three (all ugly, but you can't have everything…).

It's just a thought, but you probably can block certain incoming numbers, too. What about asking your phone company if it's possible for a limited period?

Don't know why I've just been reminded of this: a joke on the radio from years ago, an outgoing message that went "Hello, caller. This is the fridge magnet speaking. Our answer phone is on holiday, but if you'd like to leave a message I'll write it down and pop it under my tummy."
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Sharyn - glad the liquidators have started. I wish we had done something like that. We had a month to clear out mother's many possessions in her large two bedroom apartment, and Gary could take only one weekend and a day. I was still working too. It was crazy. I gave quite a bit away to a Thrift shop and thankfully they picked up stuff, but we still brought back a small horse trailer full, and unfortunately still have too much of that. How many crystal vases does a person need, or demitasse sets? They probably need to go back to Edmonton for sale there, but I can't do it alone. My shoulder is stull suffering from overdoing it then.

Your daughter is making some good decisions. It is very important that she have peace of mind that she has done all she can for herself and the babies.

Veronica ((((((hugs)))))) you didn't need that on top of all else you do. I saw on your profile that you are getting quite proficient at household repairs. Good for you. I tend to give the garbage to Gary and tell him to take it out - not very tactful, but it works. He is willing and sees it as his job, but forgetful. Maybe the therapist needs a session of doing what you are doing to be a little more sensitive to your needs. Harrumph!

Oh Lord, 4th phone call today. The calls may drive me out of the house to get away from them despite the cold. It doesn't seem to matter whether I answer them or not, in terms of frequency. In fact, she may get worse when I do answer. I guess I am supposed to fly to Edmonton to pick up a few sweaters for her (second phone call) in the mall complex where she lives though she is quite capable of shopping for them herself. It is the narcissist's sense of entitlement; "I am 101, you are my daughter and POA, it is your job to do these things for me!". NOT!

LOL - "I could do it, but I don't want to!" LOL

I cant be too badly off if a single extra of antid perks me up. I guess that was the good thing I did for myself today.

I may replace all the phones in the house. I can hardly bear to use them with all the crazies and venom that they have conveyed to the house... I will wait till mother is on the meds. and see about it.
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Hubby told me I was bossy this morning! Just because I said "Have you put the garbage out." Aparently I should say in a more pleasant voice "Did you remember the garbage?" How I dislike his therapist. That remark has her fingers all over it. he does "forget' the garbage when he can get away with it.
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On the home front~The estate liquidators start going through mom's house today. Haven't heard any updates regarding my niece. My daughter is getting scared due to the complications associated with twin births. I am proud of her because she is making some wise decisions such as...her current ob doesn't deliver at St. Luke's in Boise, ID which is where the NICU is located in her area. If there are complications, the babies would be transported there while she has to stay at another hospital until released. As a result, she is going to get a dr. associated with St. Luke's and one who has experience with multiple births. My daughter is young and healthy, but she is overweight to begin with, her blood pressure could become problematic throughout this pregnancy. The twins do have their own placentas and sacs which is a big plus in terms of less complications. We won't know whether they are identical or fraternal until after they are born. It is important that my daughter have peace of mind knowing her dr has experience with multiples. She has a good head on her shoulders and will make good decisions for herself.

Take care everyone, hoping for sunshine.
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Austin~Sorry to hear about your fall. It is a shock to suddenly fall, take care yourself.
DinNY~Good for you!! Great news on getting a job too. You definitely are moving in the right direction.
Joan~Hope you get better news regarding your ex. More things to add to the sad feelings already going on. Oh, the horrors of the secrets revealed from inside a fridge,LOL!! God would tell me "Get busy girl and clean this up!"
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thx cm - hoping for better news about the ex. I think a small dose of any antid is helpful for fibromyalgia. I use fluvoxamine, which is not widely used for that, but seems to work for me and doesn't cause weight gain which most of the others do. Unfortunately it doesn't help insomnia, quite the opposite, but I am not sleeping well anyway. I will see the doctor at some point, though have played around with doses successfully before. I know I need to get out and brave the elements more, but I hate the cold more and more.

thx austin - too bad about your fall. That's a lot of snow. Better to not try to do the driveway. The sun is very weak this far north in the winter. Sunrise 8:18 am
sunset 5 pm. here. Hope the bruises are healing.
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sunny - I know your predicament. I think Sharyn nailed it and Margeaux, cm, Austin, book and others have very good advice. I once read about a narcissist that they chew you up and spit you out, and when they step in it they blame you for messing their shoes. Yes, you have a right to be hurt. I have found that I had to grieve the lost/lack of the mother I needed and never had, and accept her as she is, with all the warts. I have been at least partially successful in this, and able to lower my expectations. Feeling like walking away - frequently. And I have given myself permission to do that if can't take any more. Re moving her closer, personally I wouldn't move her too close, though I understand why you want to. Would she cooperate?

cm I understand your anger - only solution I know is to accept that he is an a**hole and not to expect any more from him. Humping beanie babies - love it. what a visual. Too funny abut the daughters

Austin - 46 years is a long time. So glad you have some peace and happiness now/

DINY - great work - keep getting stronger

The cat is stalking my breakfast - better get him a treat. Supposed to be warmer the next few days. I hope.

Hope everyone has a good day - and - do something good for you today!
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susan - hope you have been able to take some protective steps. I think an NH is a good idea Start by getting a list of NHs not to close to you, and get info from them If she needs to be on Medicaid get the forms and start the application process. If she has to go to hospital for any reason, tell them that she cannot return to you as you cannot care for her any more. I would also contact your local Agency on Aging and Social Services and tell them about her behaviours and ask for suggestions.

hi dreyfuss - tough situation you are in. Are there any community resources t give you a break? My sib criticizes but wants the whole inheritance. They floor me!!!

cm and margeaux "I wish I could, but I don't want to." Love it - and then there just plain "No." I used that one on G recently. It shocked him, but a bargain is a bargain - and if one won't play, then neither will the other. I am not going into martyr territory.

pst - love it -50 ways to leave your mother... lol

brandy - like dealing with Hitler. I can identify.

Sharyn - that is awesome news!!! Sure you will figure out something re your mothers birthday. She will enjoy having a fuss made over her.

better stop here so I don't lose it
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Joan sorry for so many things hitting you at once-at least here the days are getting longer it is about 5:30 before dark-getting 3-6 inches of snow today and then again Wed. and then later in the week-this time will not try to do the drive myself after the fall last week
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Emjo if she'd looked in my fridge you might have reason to be scared…

But I don't think she can have consulted God about that. Pretty sure He wouldn't agree.

Sorry to hear how things are piling up on you, it's hard going. But you know better than I that the light's coming back and the world still turns. Awful worry about your ex, though; hope there's better news from him soon. Big hug.

PS Is that amitriptyline you're using? Because as I remember it the pain relief dose is a tiny fragment of the anti-depressant therapeutic dose - best call the medic?
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DaughterinNY,
Congratulations on the tough love, and finding a job!
Do you think that on account of your absence this makes a
difference in the way your mother is behaving? My cousin always used to
tell me, " A little indifference goes a long way." I do believe that, also.
You made some great progress, and yes.....this thread is very valuable.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Well, just what I needed - a cheery 3:31 am voice mail (my bedroom phone is unplugged)

“Joanie, I looked in my frig this morning and saw what was coming. God will punish you.”

And I thought she was a bit better for a while as it was only no shower bars and late meals...

No wonder I am depressed. Finally had tears - a couple of days worth - heard from my ex and I think he is back in heart trouble again. It was the last straw. He sounds like he doesn't think he has long to live, and considering he had a quadruple bypass few years ago, and has not looked after his blood sugar, it is not unlikely. He has a lot of the symptoms... including tingling and numbness in his shoulder and arm. He has been to his doctor and we will see what the test results are.

End of January and February are the worst times here anyway, and it has been a very cold winter, and, of course, light is low during the winter months here. I do have a "day light" and use it most days.

I have some bad memories from this time of year too, my girlfriend dying is just hitting me, the accumulation of the past year of mother getting worse, and now my ex who has become a strong part of my support system has one foot on a banana peel and... it all adds up.

I take a very small dose of antidepressant for the fibromyalgia pain. It might be worth upping the dose a bit to get through this period. I suspect there will be more significant nastiness from mother and my sister as this treatment for mother plays out. Don't need it!

Changing my phone number seems like a better and better idea all the time...

I will comment on the other posts later. Just looking for my bootstraps right now to pull myself up. Temps are below normal for the next two weeks. Aaaargh!!!
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Shary good insight
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Sunnydreams~Having a narcissistic parent is challenging enough. When you add in dementia...well it just becomes worse since their normal personality traits can become magnified with the paranoia and delusions of dementia. First you need to learn to detach with love. You can learn about this by googling it. It does not mean you don't care or have no feelings. What it does mean is that you learn this person has a history of using emotional abuse to control your feelings. Once you learn to stop letting that happen, you can detach, not feel the pain as harshly or the impact of her words. She will use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (FOG). The fear is the threats of disowning you, cutting you out of her life and you will not get the relationship with her that you desire. The obligation is you are my daughter, you should be doing this for me like everyone else's children do for their parents...so and so's daughter does...blah blah blah! The guilt.....I did this for you, I sacrificed that for you, this is how you repay me!!! Once you recognize the cycle that brings out the FOG, you will see that your mother will be fine without your intervention for every single crisis she has going on. Next....do not do things for your mother with the intention that she will appreciate it. She will never appreciate because she believes she is entitled to it. Only take care of her physical needs....not her wants. Is it necessary that you send half a day running around looking for certain colored pillows or a pot for a plant? NO it is not. Does she need to have her toenails trimmed and a haircut...yes. Learn the difference between needs and wants and stick to it. Believe me...she will put up a big fight about it, but she will get over it in a few weeks. Learn to detach...very important. Hugs to you, stay strong!!
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Sunny the last days of the husband's life he recognized everyone else but me would open his eyes and try to talk to them-me he froze me out -would not squeeze my hand or open his eyes or anything-the one person who did everything for him and put up with all his shit and abuse for 46 plus years but in the end I won I have a great guy in my life now-actually we were in HS together -our 55th reunion is coming up this summer and he was married to a narcistic spouse also.
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DaughterinNY - RESPECT!!! Well done you!

Sunny - the beanie babies are safe (for now…). Still humping each other on the shelf over her bed - mother calls it 'cuddling' and I haven't the heart to explain - my daughters have smothered hysterics about it. Ha ha ha.
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