The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Tough love at work here. I had had enough a couple weeks ago. I stopped waiting on my Mom (91) hand and foot. Started a new job and wanted it to be on the right foot and my terms. For once. It's working and I am getting stronger not weaker. Made her dinner tonight and she said it was great and thank you!!! Thank you to all in this board. You make a difference in my life.

Thank you all 195Austin, Margeaux, and Countrymouse! It's so wonderful to be understood about this crazy mess. No worries I have no plans to live with her - I understand that would equal a complete nervous breakdown for me. Still my involvement is enough that she's affecting my mind and moods most every day. Margeaux, you are right the ingratitude and entitlement has been going on all my life and now that her legitimate needs really are greater it has been tearing me in half. I feel like I can't bear to give more, but like I'd be an awful person not too. Countrymouse, I lol'd imagining you menacingly contemplating the beanie babies - they better watch out! Still I agree that I'll need to be aware of conflicting motives in myself. 195Austin, I think it's the rude to family sweet to others that gets to me too - I know she's capable of showing gratitude and being considerate, just not to me.

"… sharper than a serpent's tooth, to have a thankless child…" We can assume that Shakespeare didn't know what it was like to have a thankless parent, or I'm sure he'd have come up with an equally vivid analogy for that.

Sunny, you care for her mother not because of her attitude to you, but in spite of it. Of course it is much, much easier to detach yourself from ingratitude - even look on it with amusement ("wonder how many ways she'll find not to thank me this time?") - when there isn't already a long history of hurt feelings and unmerited rejection. In the normal way of things, a daughter can reasonably expect a fair measure, at least, of love, approval and appreciation from her mother. When that has never happened, it's never going to change - but it is still always going to hurt.

What you're dealing with there is a continuation, not a change. But what you have to deal with on top is whatever level of duty you feel as a decent human being to ensure that your mother's needs for care are met: that has changed, and will continue to increase as her dependence on you grows. Not fair, really; but many people are determined to carry on regardless.

Othes can advise you better than I can. If there's one thing that's consistently demonstrated by this forum, it's that nothing beats advice and support from people who have already experienced what you're going through; and, whatever her faults, my mother is not a narcissist (I don't know if there is a polar opposite, exactly, but if there is she's it). But this is what I wish my SIL would do, broadly speaking, about the things she can control:

1. Be rational about your expectations. Base them on your experience. To expect a different outcome from any repeated, identical process is one definition of madness.
2. Decide for yourself what you owe your mother, based on what you believe she needs from you and NOT on what she demands.
3. Respect yourself for all you do for her. Thank yourself on her behalf.
4. Reflect carefully on decisions to ensure that they really are in her best interests. Generally the temptation will be to give way to demands against your better judgment, in exchange for a quieter life, to avoid accusations or conflict. BUT you must also beware the potential for spite or self-gratification to creep in to your thinking in the guise of 'what's best for mother.' For example: when I itch to sling out my mother's beanie babies (ugh!) is it really because the dust they gather is bad for her and she'll never notice? - or is it actually because I can't be bothered to give them a shake/because they turn my stomach and I've always hated them/because her OCD-related spending patterns impacted hugely on all our lives? My mother was a useless wife and a hopeless mother: I have to be very careful I'm not after subconscious revenge.
5. When you want to walk away, check you can do so safely and then… walk away. Leave the room. Switch off the phone. Put away the paperwork. Do something instead that you actually want to do. You can always come back later, when it suits you.

It is never not going to matter to you that your mother is so unkind to you. Let's call a spade a spade. She is being unkind. It is her fault. Nothing can ever quite compensate for that on its own. But when you add up all of the other things in life - the people who do appreciate and show their love for you, your achievements (including living up to your responsibilities for your mother), your joys, pleasures, all of the other relationships you will experience - they can do a lot to make up for it, if you let them. And they'll contribute much more to your peace of mind. Give them your attention, too. x

Sunnydreams,

You're in a very tough situation. The only thing I can offer is the fact, that if you say your mom is still very with it, so this gives you the go ahead about being hurt I can only imagine that the ingratitude has been going on for a long time. Try to read up about the dementia, and about narcissism. This helps many on this thread to at least understand the behaviors. Now about trying to get over the hurt, if you're going to try to keep you own sanity about any of this, you may want to lower your expectations about it too thereby hopefully there's acknowledgment, but then you don't get hurt by it as much. It's almost as if one has to separate, well yes my mom has had horrible behavior, but now added to that......she really is suffering from the mental condition and this doesn't address current day living situations, for which she needs help. Again, I'm not trying to minimize the hurt you feel, nor invalidate any of it either. It's real, it's there and you're entitled to feel this way. We just have choices as to how far maybe we'd want to go into that mode, especially given the fact you are choosing to watch out for her too.

On the end of you making it happen to move her close, again you're concerned for an elder. But I certainly hope that based on your post you would not consider moving her in with you. You sound responsible enough and you are aware of the reality, so that's a good thing.

You're in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Steam fume seethe…. Mother's sitting there with a beatific smile on her little old face - yes, oldest brother has finally got round to picking up the phone, first time this year. Only it wasn't him, actually, it was BP SIL with the low-down on her retirement party including full guest list (a dozen people mother's never met, is never likely to and wouldn't know if they ran up and bit her) and details of every present she was given (thinks: "given to go away ho ho ho…" - meow); then brother chipped in his two penn'orth at the end.

After lengthy internal debate as to whether my motives were reasonable or mischievous, decided I would ring them back afterwards to ask the two questions mother's been asking me for over a fortnight and which I would quite like settled, viz. 1. when are they going on holiday? 2. did brother get his new camera (60th birthday present from mother - his birthday was two weeks ago)?

1. On the fifteenth, to Portugal, for a week (apparently Portugal is a doddle to get to. We, on the other hand, at 120 miles from them, are much too far away); 2. Yes (well don't thank her or anything, then, will you).

Mother's SO pleased they rang! Gnash growl seethe...

Sunny your thoughts have merit -elders tend to think they are entitled to act as they do-my mom was sharp as a pin but boy could she be rude to family and so sweet to others-I had to tell myself her words did not hurt me and she did not have power over me-you are working so hard to make her life better and she will never thank you for that-it is the way their mind works-do not bring her to live with you that would be a big mistake-she will never value what you do for her.

How do you deal with the complete ingratitude and erasure that a narcissistic aging parent dishes out? Sometimes I feel like I'm doing okay, keeping on top of how she's doing and coordinating with my team that I've set up of various people keeping track of her needs. I'm long-distance but very involved in communication on her behalf and I've correctly anticipated medical problems she needed help with and got her doctors to act. I feel like I'm always thinking, planning and anticipating for her. And yet for me....she barely acts like I'm worth more than the dirt on her shoe. I'm definitely worth less to her than the beloved housekeeper I found for her. Her refusal to acknowledge the value of ANYTHING I do or me as a daughter is making me crazy. She's got early stage dementia but she's still very with it a lot of the time - enough to where I feel like I've got a right to feel hurt by this.

Still what can I do with it? Nothing. She's got dementia, she's aging, and I'm supposed to let it all go now and just turn into Mother Theresa? I don't know how to do this. I realize there may be many more years of this and I have plans to move her to live closer to me so I can manage things better. But tonight, tonight I just want to walk away.

WOW! It was a windy last two days! I went out to a local cent store, to buy me some dust masks. I use these when I sweep the apartment, and I sure needed them. After that it was so lovely, so I extended my walk on the beach, and it was so beautiful, the sand was blowing and made a smoke effect. Good thing I had my sunglasses, otherwise my eyes would have suffered. Caught a lovely sunset.
I feel good!

Hope all of you are having a great day!
Much Love & Light, and calm to all,
Margeaux

I was thinking, maybe this is why this line....."I wish I could, but don't want to," is a line in a comedy. You know how in comedy it is a well known fact that people either say something that everyone else would love to say, but we're chicken to say it. Anyway, I've been over here thinking about the times I could say this to my husband, but that would invariably invite some trouble. OOoopps! Did I say that, shut my mouth! HAAH1

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I wish I had the b--- to say I wish I could but don't want to-have to keep that is mind for rude old ladies and dirty old men at the senior center -maybe to the director she needs to be brought down a peg or two

Pstegman,

I have to say that I absolutely love your sense of humor!
Great songs too!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Countrymouse,

I love that one, "I wish I could, but I don't want to."
I'll have to remember that one.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Dryfuss I am so sorry you have to be a caregiver once again-please stay connected with us so we can help.

PS~I love it!!! 50 ways to leave your mother, LOL!!

Thank you Glad and Margeaux, everyone!! We are still walking on clouds, just so unbelievable since it does not run on either side of the families. It is looking like fraternal twins but the dr says it is to early to be sure even though they each have their own sac.

Mom's 85 birthday is on next Thursday...not sure what we will do yet. My mom bounces back and forth with her memory, sometimes my sister is mom's sister yet when my sis is present, mom recognizes her for who she is. It is more like out of sight out of mind type thing.

Have a good night all!

PS - You'd like the "Goodness Gracious Me" team's Indian version - the line that sticks in my head is "Fail an exam, Ram..."

Sorry that I don't answer your questions and comments. I have so much going on here. Dealing with my sister, the POA, is like negotiating with Hitler. There is no compromise except on my part.

When I have a bad day caring for my MIL, I sing in the car on the way home. It's usually an old Simon & Garfunkel tune: "Slip out the back Jack, Make a new plan Stan, Don't need to be coy Roy, Just listen to me. Hop on the bus Gus, Don't need to discuss much, there must be 50 ways to leave your Mother"

Hi Dreyfuss. Sorry about your mom. Just like in my situation, not much help from other siblings. Then mom died. I'm now handling father... and still no help from siblings...But just like in mom's funeral, I'm sure they will all INSIST to share and share alike on the money. I swear I never thought they would do that. Disillusioned. I still associate but it's not the same. I have basically stopped emailing them. I used to be so pro-active in maintaining our relationship. I no longer do so...

I once had Phoebe's comment said to me by the son of a patient. I asked if he would empty his fathers urine bag and he said" I could but I choose not to"

Sharyn-
OMG! I think I would panic if I was mom. But, how wonderful!

Sharynmarie,

Wow!!!! How exciting! I'm so happy for you and your family.
Good, good news!

Take care, and let us know more as you find out,
Hugs, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

My daughter had the ultrasound this morning. She and hubby got to see the "heartbeats"....YES, thats right!!!! OMG TWINS!!!

This topic certainly fits my situation. My Mom died last July. I had no help through the entire hellish ordeal except for email and phone contact with my older brother. I am now attempting to take care of my 90 yr old day with no help. My oldest brother lives down the road and worse than useless. My youngest brother is a vulture waiting for his inheritance. I am alone with bipolar disorder.

Very good lesson to have learned, Margeaux, when to say "when." I like collecting the ways people do it, the phrases they use - one of my very favourites (I haven't had the nerve yet, but I'm working up to it) is Phoebe from Friends': "I wish I could, but I don't want to."

Countrymouse,

Yes, I was stunned on the one hand, but then my sister is the micro-manager, controller. Also, I did think about the fact that she was moving into mom's w/one daughter (19 yrs. old), the eldest (25 yrs.) in tow w/her beau, at the time. Why wasn't she also asking them to have some input into this so called schedule.
The younger one, who is now 24 still lives there. The other one moved out is married to the beau, w/two kids. But they never paid rent there, and stayed on for several years. The older daughter, did help out relieving. Younger one, wasn't as accomodating, until a year or so ago. Interesting how in families they'll always try to enlist the people who've had the most responsibility in the family, too. A big lesson I've learned in my family of origin is I'm very careful what I'm available for, and to whom. I do care, and do help when necessary, but I don't feel beholden, anymore. It took me a very long time to get to this point, too.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Susan,
Welcome to the thread.
Your situation is very serious. If your mom showed tendencies of violence in the past given what you wrote about your father, you really need to look at this in another way. I'm getting the impression at times from some people who witness this kind of aggression in their families, is that they become used to/numb and the like to the abuser's behavior. Then, it becomes about dodging this behavior and hoping that you or someone else in the household doesn't get hurt.

I think that you should definitely report this behavior, and allow for the psychiatric evaluations to evolve. There were some instances in which I wish my sister had done this with our aunt, because she too was doing things towards the end of her life that were jeopardizing other's safety and well being in our mom's home, (where she was living). Needless to say, this is no way for anyone to be living,
and then on top of that caring for them.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Margeaux, you must have been stunned when your sister announced her master plan - and thank God! If you hadn't been, it might have been easier for her to blackmail you into getting involved ;)

Sunny,
Welcome to the thread. After reading about your situation, it brought back memories of our mom, and her older sister. They'd been living together for quite some time. As both of their health began to decline, mom w/ALZ, then the sister, w/heart and other related ailments.....it became very difficult. Mom had been caregiving for her sister, for about 5 yrs. But then, it just got too much for an 85 yr. old on the brink of being diagnosed w/ALZ. She'd been showing signs though already. I'll never forget the day I had lunch w/my sister and she was telling me that she was going to move in w/them. She was bringing her two grown daughters, and one of their boyfriends w/her too. Mom's home is a 4 bedroom home. She was going to administer, and do some caregiving around her full time job. That day, she tried to enlist me, to come several times a week to caregive for them. Our aunt was very narcissistic, I'd had several very difficult situations with her. So much so, that I'd left mother's home some years before this, because of my aunt. Anyway, there was no way I was going to do this, not for our aunt.
Besides, I live too far. My sister of course as part of the move-in doesn't pay rent, which is fine with me. However, I don't have this kind of set up, hence I realistically couldn't see how I could give this kind of time caregiving.

Anyway, I'll never forget the look on my sister's face, for just telling her that although I could come and relieve her every now and again, I couldn't commit to some kind of ongoing schedule to do something like this. My sister has been doing this now for about 5 yrs. It hasn't been easy, and she did hire caregivers, while she's working. But as my aunt's health became worse, so did her attitude.
She really gave my sister, and the CG's a difficult time. Then there was still mom,
and her ALZ to contend with. In hindsight, I am not sorry that I was honest about the fact that I couldn't give this kind of time to the care of mother and her sister.
The other factor in this whole picture is the fact that we have two brothers. But do you think that my sister ever asked THEM over lunch to sign up to do the caregiving. NO WAY! I'm the eldest of the siblings, and I must tell you that I did enough caring for my parent's kids during my childhood. So definitely, this has also influenced the way I also think about it.

You live far from them. So I really encourage you to start looking to see what your options may be, and honestly......if you can seek out resources through Social Services, try that. I think that one needs to think a bit before either moving in with them, etc. After our aunt died, my sister has admitted had she known what she was getting herself into, she doesn't know whether she'd of moved in. Of course......she also is very adamant about the fact that she wouldn't want mother in a NH. The aunt died two years ago, so now it's just mom. So the demands have changed dramatically. But I know even now, my sister does feel the burnout, then she goes into guilty mode too.

In any case, start looking into this, and think long and hard before you commit to any of this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Jazzy,

Welcome to the thread. When we are stressed on account of caregiving for family, and especially as in your case you're dealing with a stubborn elder situation, it can affect our health. You notice too, how it coincides with our worrying over they who many times don't want to listen. I too was worrying as well as my sister very recently about our brother who has a lot of dysfunction in his own family, compounded by the fact that his wife no longer is in the household. So he lacks emotional support and had a gallbladder removal very recently. So we, the two older sisters were the ones who went to the rescue while he was in the hospital.
A week later....my stomach started to give me problems also, and I was waking up in the middle of the night, etc. When I started to analyze some of it, it came down to my brother's lack of knowledge about his own situations, then we feeling as if we have to become his mommy. I had to take my energy back in for myself, I finally figured out....take care of myself. So, I just started to really watch what I was eating, and resume my walking so that I would get quality sleep during the night. If we don't take these measures, then we are the ones who end up feeling it.
So do whatever it is you feel you need to do, whether that be using a pro-biotic,
doing some kind of exercise or meditating. It really does help. There will always be something I'm sure we need to worry about, in our relationships with family. But it should not become to the point where we then become useless to ourselves.
We talk about detachment here, and maybe you could find some ways of doing this.

About your father driving......could you get DMV involved as has been suggested?
I know I don't have to tell you how dangerous this could be. Our mom also, probably when she already had ALZ, (just not formally diagnosed), would get lost doing errands around her neighborhood. At that time, she was caregiver for her elder sister. It was difficult for my sister to have to just come out and tell her she could no longer drive, especially after she started to take medications. But it had to be done. I think what people who think this way also don't realize is they could also injure themselves, and end up slapped with a lawsuit. Better prevention, than some calamity.
O.K., try to take care of you. It's all right to be concerned, but try not to obsess about any of this.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Start by removing the butcher knife and any other weapons she can use to hurt you. This includes nail files and drinking glasses that can be broken.
call the police and EMTs if she is threatening and let the medics take care of it from there. Others will advise you on the process of NH placement but job one is to protect yourself. she needs professional care. Pray a lot but God will understand if you keep your eyes open.