The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

FYI, AC is still working on the wall/Hugs. Like all systems, when you upgrade, you encounter kinks. That's why they always said not to buy the new car models. Those go thru the "growing pains".

suzann-
First and foremost you need to take care of and protect yourself. The next time mom behaves in this way I would call the authorities to have a psychiatric evaluation done. She must not be allowed to remain in a situation where she is a danger to herself or others.

There is a process for involuntary commitment that would eliminate some of the hoop jumping you are required to do. Actually, I have a cousin that has just been involuntarily committed to a psych hospital for six months. He has been diagnosed as bipolar/schizophrenia and will be there for a minimum of six months. He has been there for two already, just found out about this yesterday, and is still failing to see that there is something wrong in his brain.

Suzan she needs to be placed it is only going to get worse call a local nursing home and go into see a social worker they will help with the Medicaid application then you have to make an appointment with Social Services make that as soon as you start the application because the appointments take time to get-if she is denied it will be because she has too much money but Nursing Homes will take her on a spend down basis -her money will be used until she reaches the limit then she will get on Medicaid -if she has money use it to go to an Elder Lawyer to start the process she won't be happy but her behavior will only get worse and she may very well hurt someone-maybe telling her she needs to leave the home will make her behave but not for long-what she is doing is working for her-she has all the power and you no power.

Suzan, start by removing the butcher's knife to a safe, locked place, I should. Then get on the phone and see what support services are available in your local area. What would Jesus do? - he'd make sure his mother had loving care that met her needs, and in your mother's case that means professional help. Don't feel guilty about not being able to cope on your own - call for reinforcements. Good luck x

Emjo, I laughed at your little FB story. {{chuckling}} He’s feeling naughty!

Glad – don’t open your profile if you really need to keep it private. Emjo showed me how to send HUGS to those of you who have it in Private.

Iwentanon – only those who kept their profiles PRIVATE will have this problem. The privacy keeps their message private – from us and from them. I experimented. When my profile is completely Private, I have to make my message board Public so that I can read it, then go back and change it back to Private.

Suzanruzzell – while I was growing up, mom would attack my laughing father with the butcher knife. We still have the knife marks on the bathroom door. When mom got dementia, she started off by accusing us of stealing from her. Lying to her. Trying to make her crazy by hiding her stuff. Then she started to go from plain accusation to angry verbal accusations demanding for her stuff back. She kept at it. Then as time went by, she started to PHYSICALL attack us. She was so strong, she was able to flip the sofa like it was nothing. We fled behind the sofa and she wanted to get at us.

I will tell you this, be very careful. Always lock your bedroom door – day and night. Hide all the knives where she can’t have access to it. Anything can become a weapon. And most of all – never ever let her corner you without an exit. Before entering a room, try to figure out where she’s is. When you enter, note where she is, and what is your nearest exit. Be pro-active in your wellbeing. The key is don’t get cornered.

I think it’s time to make an appointment with her doctor for consultation. You will just do all the talking by updating him on what’s happening. Due to the HIPAA law, he cannot discuss your mom with you. It sounds like she needs a stronger or another meds.

The first place to start is to use the phone and start calling around on what kinds of programs are there for the elderly. There should be a local program. Call around and ask for referrals to other places that the person can think of. Or Google something like “program for senior citizen in XXXXX” … Another option is on the right side of this site is a box: FIND HOUSING AND CARE. Why not try that, too?

I have been wondering about the hugs issue. I couldn't send some recently.

Margeaux

I've been caring for my Mother for the past 5 years .she has stared accusing my husband and I of coming and her room and stealing her med (which is crazy because I give them to her daily)stealing cloth ,light bulbs and any thing else that she has missed placed.She has called my husband a sex fiend and i don't even want to wonder whats going on her mind. My other 2 sisters will have nothing to do with her .She is narcissistic and sometimes i get scared she may stab me with her butcher knife.She shot my father on Christmas Eve when i was 6..i am about to lose it
It has come to to point where i say only what i have to too her and get out of her room as fast as i can,she is wearing me down and i stay depressed wondering what can i do ...she is not happy about nothing and I feel like I hate her and i hate feeling that way cause i am a born again Christian and I love Jesus...seems she can push my buttons and i lose it with her ..she is 88 and mean ..i want to put her in a nursing home but i don't know where to start .

Do you have to edit your account? To get the hugs back?

wow, I got hugs from emjo and book today! I'll recheck my settings, just sibs chance of seeing some of my postings, then figuring out who I am wouldn't be very helpful in our mess.

Ohhhh, I see what you mean about how to send a HUG by typing their name instead of the original name, Emjo. Thanks.

Welcome to the newcomers. I am fried these days so haven't much to give - but always "look after yourself" as well as others.

jazz - sounds like you are overloaded/getting burnt out. Venting here and finding you are not alone helps. It is easier to get online than go out to a group though that would probably help you. No support from the sib seems common to people who post here. I read on another post you wrote that you have very heavy job responsibilities as well. Tough combination. Can you bring in some help for your mum and dad to lighten your load. Don't let the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) envelope you. It can happen pretty easily. You need time with your friends, even a weekend break etc. Older people tend to become self centered - their worlds get smaller. I know that for myself. Don't get sucked into it. You are doing a lot for them, and you need to do things for you too with no guilt! BTW Have you checked with your dad's doctor your concerns over his driving? Often the dr has to be the bad guy.

sunny - Townsend and Cloud's "Boundaries" is great and, yes, watch those urinals!!!

new2 - venting helps and that one thing we are here for. Lots here have dealt with a parent who insists they can drive and the adult children think differently. Have you informed the DMV and/or the police about the expired licence? Some have done that and been able to keep anonymity. Lots of what you wrote is like my mother who had borderline personality disorder, is narcissistic and now has increasing paranoia. Your mum is 78 - Oh my, I am 76!!! My mother is 101 and also very difficult. Can you or your brother call the police yourselves and explain the situation. Mother has threatened to call the police from her ALF about things she thinks are stolen and no one discourages her. The police get the picture pretty quickly. Mother would not do a POA till she was in her 90s and then it was a struggle. She also flushed the antipsychotic meds given her for the paranoia down the toilet saying it would cause her to become demented! Any port in a storm, I guess. Dementia with a personality disorder is a very difficult combination. Be sure you are looking after yourself. Mother placed herself in an ALF. She is still physically pretty well. Your mum may need to be in a facility at some point if she gets too combative or difficult in other ways. I don't know if you have or would consider that. My heart goes out to you. Many parents with personality disorders were abusive to their families, and that makes care giving all the more difficult. One psychologist says be humane to your parent but do yourself no further harm. That is good advice.

Glad - there is no "give a hug" under your picture any more when you post. There is for the people who have not made their profiles private. Sent you a hug anyway. Hope you got it!

Sharyn - nice to see you back. I can understand about the cancer getting overwhelming, Good for you to focus on the positives. Hope the ultrasound goes well. Awesome that the estate sale is moving forward. You say your mum is doing well physically - but you didn't mention mentally. Wondering if there is some decline there.

book - once more - you can send a hug to private people. Just click on send a hug under anyone's avatar who shows it and when the "hug" page comes up , erase their name and write the name of the person you want to give a hug to. I just sent one to sharyn and to glad. You guys let us know if you got the hug from me so book knows that it works. :) Haven't tried the camera on my Samsung tablet, though I am pleased with it in general. How do you know what you are photographing - or do you just take a chance and point in the right direction?

Here's a laugh: a young man from across the world trying to make points with me on face book. It has happened once or twice before. I told him I was old enough to be his grandmother. When he wrote "I am a little naughty", I closed the conversation. I needed a distraction - just didn't expect that, lol

Have a good day everyone, and do something good for you. (((((((hugs))))))))
.

Glad… {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you…. even though it’s 8 hours too late! My brother got me the Kindle Fire HD 7 – year 2012 (???) The newest kindle HD 7 (year 2013) has no camera. Whereas my own does –but it’s a weird position. You don’t aim your kindle like you do with a real camera or an IPad. The camera is in the opposite side. So, when you’re taking picture of your mom, the camera is the opposite of you. So you have to take several pictures and hope you don’t cut off someone’s head. Weird. I only use my kindle for access to AC when I sleep at nights and mostly for reading. Typing on the Kindle 7 is very difficult. So, I had to buy a wireless keyboard – similar to the size of my laptop’s keyboard so that I can use my kindle and type here on AC or write emails. I searched long and weeks to finally find a wireless keyboard that is not powered by AC or USB (need a laptop to recharge it). I found one that runs on AAA batteries! The perfect solution and easy to carry when traveling. BUT, I recommend a bigger size than my 7. It does get frustrating to read AC on it. For books, it’s perfect – if I was 20 years younger. My eyes seem to prefer bigger fonts and … it takes up more space on the small 7” kindle screen….

Sharyn, {{{{HUGS}}}} yes, I do that all the time. Don’t think about cancer at all.

New2Dementia – we all knew that father’s driving was really really bad. He would drive straddling both lanes, going through red lights, etc… Father is scary – so no one would go against him. We just all avoided riding in the car when he was driving. Then TWICE he almost got hit. He was taking off into the main road when the car stalled while he was on 2 lanes. He saw this tour bus coming right at him and he was terrified of being killed. That was when he decided to stop driving. He said that the “spirits” were trying to kill him.

I have read this topic about how to deal with a parent who should not be driving. So, I did a search on the top right “drivers license” and got several hits. Maybe you want to try that and choose the ones that applies to you. I liked this one (but I did not read the rest):
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/parents-give-up-drivers-license-151810.htm

From what I read in the past, the quickest and best way is to have DMV revoke his license. The quickest way is thru his doctor. There’s a form that the doctor must fill out and forward it directly to DMV. BUT, I also read that most doctors would drag their feet (just as they drag their feet about declaring someone as having dementia.)

Ok, completely off topic, book which kindle do you have my antiquated touchpad has just about had it.

Suggestions, anyone?

Glad, Sharyn, Sunny - you all are completely private. Therefore NO ONE can send you HUGS or even comment on your message board, YOU Yourselves also have NO access to any HUGS given to you.

If you want people to comment or send you HUGS, then you need to go to your profile and change the Message board to Public. However, by doing this, EVERYONE will be able to read ALL the HUGS/Comments given to you. If you prefer the old system where people can still send you HUGS and yet keep it private and you also being able to read it, then you need to send an email to the AC (agingcare) admin to "tweak" the new system.

Sunny, when you change your profile to public or private, you won't really be able to tell. When I wanted my profile private, I had asked another poster to check if I did it right. After some back and forth, I finally got it right. Therefore, you can check someone here - on your time zone - and ask for their assistance by checking your profile.

Glad - I know what you mean. It's so frustrating now to "follow" someone's postings. Especially due to the time zone, you all are almost late night/midnight, and it's my opposite. Just as right now is about your early morning, it's my late evening. It makes it harder for me to keep up with the latest updates from posters. But I also like it because it gives me a little bit more privacy.

New2D, it sounds as if you need to start an application for guardianship. Not my area, others will have good advice. Post a new question?

Veronica, eeek the urinal! Hadn't even thought of that.

Book, I tried temporarily making everything on my profile public access but that didn't put the "give a hug" back in my comments. Not sure how to fix that. Anyway HUGS to you and everyone!

Hi everyone!

Just a quick drive by, I have to detach from things going on with all cancer. I get too caught up in it and it affects me emotionally. I am feeling better. Trying to focus on my positive things like being a grandma. My daughter's due date is 9/19/14 which places her around 7 weeks. Friday she will have an ultrasound to determine viability by seeing the heartbeat but not hearing it yet.
Tomorrow sis will sign the contract with estate liquidators so things are moving forward. Mom is doing great physically.
Have a good night!

Book, I think you are right. I do not like some of the changes on AC. It is much harder to find what I want.

Book,
I really needed that hug today! I think you can still send them by clicking give a hug beneath my cool free flying eagle on a comment. I think most understand the reason I keep my profile private.

Need to vent. Tonight my mother threatened to call the police if my brother drives her car.

Are there any caregivers that have dealt with a parent that insists they can drive and threaten to call the police?

My 78-year-old mother has Dementia (1 1/2 years now), and also has a Narcissistic personality (pre-Dementia). She is combative and very difficult. She can cook and bathe herself. She forgets her medications or refuses to take them. I am her full-time caregiver and live with her. My brother is also her caregiver and is increasingly spending more time at her home to relieve me.
All of her doctors informed her that she couldn’t drive for medical reasons. She refuses to accept or acknowledge this and has switched doctors several times after each doctor tells her she cannot drive.
Her drivers’ license expired over a year and a half ago when she was hospitalized and first diagnosed with Dementia.
My brother has taken the keys from her and has taken over her car as a result of her Dr's orders and to prevent her from driving. She is a danger to herself and others behind the wheel of a car.
We are finding it increasingly difficult to deal with her wanting to drive and her threatening to call the police to report her car stole if my brother drives.
We do not have POA. She is tough as nails and refuses any outside help from caregivers and does not understand why my brother and I are caring for her.
She is currently taking Aricept and Lexapro for her Dementia. We give her Seroquel at night when she get's combative. We have tried to give her medication that a neurologist prescribed to help with combativeness during the day, but she flushed it down the toilet. She also takes two blood pressure medications and a cholesterol medication.

Sunnydreams.
Just because some one is bedridden does not stop them if they want to do you harm. Walkers, canes, hot drinks, meal trays anything can become a weapon and beware the urinal.

Hi Book, I didn't know that about the hugs, I'll experiment with my profile settings. Thanks for the intention though! It sounds like you are strongly guided about your filial duty based on what your religious leader says. I know faith is a very important thing, sometimes the only thing that can get us through hard times. I think it's okay to get a second opinion sometimes - if you are Catholic and a priest is your leader, maybe talk to a different priest to get a different take. I really have enjoyed Townsend and Cloud's Boundaries book and they address what our responsibilities are from a Christian perspective. I still hope you stay safe. It's kind of shocking to me that a bed ridden person would try to beat up anybody - that takes a bit of nerve!

Sooner rather than later, Jazzy, I think, for the taking a bit of time each day to look after yourself. If you've got to the tense gut and sleep disturbance stage that's far enough. I hate to be simplistic but for the immediate future (i.e. today, or tomorrow if it's got too late) plug "Liberty Bell" or "Galop Infernal" into your ears and march briskly round the block to them - it'll get you out of breath, boost your circulation and you can't help giggling. Ten minutes, it's worth finding them. xxx

Cue: lots of lectures on making your father stop driving…!

Not as well as I have been. My anxiety levels have increased, causing more gastrointestinal issues and my emotions have always been affected by stress. I need to find some balance in my life also and finding that I am spending too much time at home with my elderly parents either as caregiver or for emotional support, placing my own life on hold. I wonder if there is any advice about what I can do to feel more at ease about my parents medical and health and aging issues now that they turned 90, my father approaching his 91st year and still driving by the way that also gives me worries and he can disappear at times for hours and doing simple things like shopping for food. I don't think that he will be able to drive much longer but I cannot tell him to stop and feeling like i am not getting any help or support from my sibling who lives far away and seems to not be able to help in making the necessary decisions. I am alone in what I am dealing with these days and really feeling like I have a mild form of depression and/or feeling more anxious, having difficulty sleeping, etc. I know that I am eventually going to have to start taking better care of myself in order to be able to be there for my elderly parents. I feel like I may need to either join a group or go back into therapy; but who has time between work and family responsibilities?

Thanks cm and book.

cm - more blaming thus morning. No one came to help her with her shower. If she fell and hurt herself it is my fault. Amazing what power I have to make things happen 225 miles away without even talking to anyone. I am thinking of muting the ringers on my phone for the next couple of weeks. People can leave voice mails. Family can text me if necessary.

book - I think it was an Asian lady not the man who posted about the cultural differences. What happens to the baby girls in China is awful. Now they have a generation of young males who cannot find wives. I read a study that suggested their birth rate would have fallen to 1.5 per couple anyway, as other countries have experienced serious declines in birth rate. Their view of dementia and mental illness is very interesting. Massive denial!

Not talking about Japan.

I just read that thread. The problem is that he's off making money while his wife is doing the full-time caregiving. She does all the grunt work and I think most likely still need to do the laundry, cleaning and cooking. So of course, he does not see the necessity of doing anything different.

I really like that suggestion that the men take their vacation from work and do the exact thing the wives are doing....and the wives have a REAL vacation. This will also help the men see what their wives go through and hopefully appreciate them better.

Nothing bad that you said Emjo. But he really should not use the Asians as an example. I live in Asia. One country has a one child law. Due to their culture, males are preferred. Therefore, if a wife gets pregnant with another child, must have abortion. If the first child is a girl, they either put her in an orphanage or secretly dump her where no one would find her...and then hope the next baby is a boy. In the Asian countries, it is viewed as a shame if you have a family who has mental illness...or a parent who has dementia. If you research it, there are absolutely no support from their government or a local individual group. I understand that the worldwide health care is putting pressure to the Asian countries to be more proactive in this.

"Is this how you treat your mother…" Love it. I hope you made sure the bath water was at the right temperature, having fallen down so badly on breakfast ;)

Reminds me of the computer sessions - one thing I don't miss, except in a wistful way - with my dad, when he used to ring me up and say "the damn fool thing's lost my letter - what's it done with it?" Ummm...