The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

thx cm. Correction is a good word. I think that poster may be more careful about dishing out more criticism. I know myself, having had so much of it in my life, for doing the best I could in the situation, I don't need any more. The OP was in a very difficult position and needed support, not criticism against one if his potential options. Words like that tend to stick in one's mind and provoke guilt.
Checked out the voice mail and better to not have answered most if it. I am being blamed for things I didn't know had happened and have nothing to do with me - like I arranged for her breakfast to be brought to her late!!! "Is this how you treat your mother???" And as usual - I am saying "Huh?" She did ask me to have her bank statements not sent to her but to me so I will arrange that, but followed up with that she hoped I would allow her to have enough money for her drugs and taxis to take her to church. I have never limited her money and never would unless I see something VERY unusual and irresponsible happening.
The big storm may come once she is hospitalized - probably against her will - and released or otherwise able to communicate with sis. Mother will be medicated by then, which should temper her reactions, but sis will use anything she can to get at me. I will have to build an imaginary brick wall between us, and decorate it with, mmm, let me see, something that is pretty, but toxic. Maybe just plain old poison ivy vine with a row of Belladona, or Deadly Nightshade and a few Brugmansia or Angels Trumpet shrubs. That should keep anyone away.

I saw that, Emjo - thought it was fair enough, actually. You hand down judgement, you can expect to get it right back at you, I feel.

The other reason I felt your correction - I think I'd call it, rather than a "going for" - was justified is that the critic wasn't the poster. If someone has come to the forum seeking help and support, but one has to say that frankly the person seems not to deserve any, I still wouldn't attack him or her on the grounds of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." But if someone has come here (ditto) and someone ELSE sees fit to dish out criticism instead.. then the someone else is fair game. Good on you.

The sadness is you were probably wasting your breath. That's the other reason for deciding against taking up cudgels - it's just not worth the bother.

Hope this phase proves to be, after all, the calm before greater calm and not the calm before the storm. Other than maybe a few squalls, perhaps, which I suppose are inevitable. The waiting must be getting on your nerves - hope the time off helped. Big hug.

sunny - yes, look after yourself and if it gets too much, there are professionals who can take over the job. I cannot imagine looking after 2 people with personality disorders - too much! This may be a bit discouraging, but mother was 95 before she was evaluated with the personality disorder. I read somewhere else n this site to also consult the Mental Health people - not sure what agency or organization, but a very good idea when dealing with mental illness obviously. What it took for mother was that the senior nanny that we had hired and who lived with her 24/7 for about 9 months, finally broke down one day when she took mother to hospital for something. The hospital staff listened to her and then examined mother and diagnosed her. Mother was 95. Honestly, and unfortunately, I am not so sure that if it had been a family member instead of the nanny, it would have happened the same way. It is my feeling that it could have been brushed off as a family conflict, so to speak. So if you can get someone else to testify to the professionals about your mum and aunts behaviour I think it would help. If you can document it would also help -and I mean document a pattern of behaviours/episodes/characteristics over the years. When I saw mother's psychiatrist last week she asked about mothers history. I told her about the daily rages over the years, the getting upset about things that no one else would, the "meanness", being demanding, critical etc., Anything like that would help them make a diagnosis. Thinking about it, I could possibly have pushed for a diagnosis sooner, but I am not sure how. You tend to get overwhelmed just dealing with it. I know they can be very charming when they want to be. When she is hospitalized could you talk to the staff of the hospital about the suspected personality disorder?

book - the bible also days not to provoke your children. It is not one sided about honouring your parents. You can still send a hug I think. When you send a hug to some one and it asks you if you want to send another one - type in the name of the person you want to send a hug to proceed as before. I think it works. :)

Lots of phone calls here, 6 so far this morning which I let go to voice mail. I haven't even had finished my coffee yet!!! If I could accomplish anything through the phone calls it would be easier to answer them. They are mostly based on her delusions, or something like the beef was rare - not that she can't minds eating rare beef once in a while, but not all the time! Such a crisis!!!

I am going through a form of grieving, as once mother is on meds permanently, she will (hopefully) be different and better, but she will be different. Optimistically, it will be her better self, but it will be a change. I may be feeling a bit of unwarranted guilt too. Oh well, we go on. I have send the PD to the psychiatrist. I suppose that means, officially, I agree with their plan, which I do. I have informed mother's lawyer abut the plan, as mother may want to use her services to fight the CTO after she is released, I have, as is appropriate, let family know what is coming. Guess it is a waiting game now. The only practical thing that remains is taxes etc.

I have to confess that on another thread I "went for" someone who criticised those who can't do at home caregiving. I don't do that very often, but please walk a mile in someone's moccasins before you judge them!

Think it is time for a hair cut, a lunch out, some window shopping, maybe I will chance a massage, but first I better get this house in more order and make some split pea soup. It looks like a minor whirlwind went through it.

Love and (((((((hugs))))) to all - and do something good for you today!

FYI, Glad, Sharyn, Sunnydreams, etc.... I guess if you make your profile completely Private, we can no longer send you HUGS. I was going to send one to several people today, and 2 out of 3 had Privacy on and I cannot send HUGS.

I will ask AC if this is the NEW Norm for this Updated site.

Truly, it's not so bad since he had his stroke and became bedridden. The times his punch landed - it couldn't reach my face even though he aimed for it. And when it landed on my upper arm, it didn't hurt. What I'm really really worried about is IF he becomes like mom and becomes very violent. That is what I worried about.

Sunny, my religious leader knows my home situation. Not once, did he ever tell me to stop "honoring your father/mother." So, I am obligated to do my filial duty ..

Book OMG, that sounds like a dangerous situation for you! I wonder how they handle violent patients at an NH? I'm guessing drugs? I wonder if you could get some of those drugs for your father. Please be safe, no filial duty is worth this.

Thanks Veronica, I can forget myself too quickly with them but you are right I must take care too.

Thanks Emjo also, it's great you brought up the evaluation issue. My mother is right on the cusp and the evaluators always say she can stay at home with help. I did find someone to help her with housekeeping and my mother lies to the evaluators about how much the in-town relative is really doing. I find out usually way after the fact. So she goes back home. She's had two hospitalizations in the last two years which arguably could have put in an NH but didn't. And definitely no official diagnoses of mental problems like your mother has. My mother's still too crafty to wear the crazy on the outside with strangers.

Jesus, Book. Just… nothing. I mean to say. Don't know how you're still standing. Big squeezy hug.

Glomorth,

Welcome to the thread. This has got to be more than an awful situation going on in your family. Emjo had given you some very sound advice.
So what I'm going to add to it.....is possibly you may want to ask yourself why you are putting up with this live-in situation by your son. You have your mom, your grandkid, and yourself, also the baby's mom. The first three mentioned are in a pretty vulnerable situation, if you're talking about they fighting the way they do, because we all know too well this invariably can easily escalate into something more violent. Honestly, I'm sure you have plenty of responsibility just taking care of your mother. Your son's a grown man with problems, and he needs to seek some professional help. But given the current situation, this isn't going to happen unless you take the first step. Truth be told.....he and the gf need to get out of your house. Sorry if this sounds strong, but this doesn't sound good at all.
Now you may be thinking....."yeah, but what about my grandkid." By seeking professional support, you are thinking of that grandkid.

Be strong,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Just wanted to send you a hello, and know that we understand.
Take care of yourself, and you and your's are in my thoughts!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sunnydreams they are lucky to have you but keep yourself strong so you can continue to protect them

Austin, it's not so bad. I'm used to it...except being hit in the head or going to be choked. Truly, this is not as bad as when I was growing up. Anyway, when he tried to hit me, he cannot reach my face, yet.

Oh,by the way, I told him to straighten his arm, and he gave me this weird look, looked at his straight arm, then back at me. I then mumbled, "bend your arm." And yes, he still tried to straighten his arm more.

Book you should feel satisfied that you have done all that is possible-you have. Would telling him that you are no longer able to take care of him because of his behavior have any impact on his behavior-you do not deserve to be treated the way he treats you-when I realized that with the husband it gave me power to not let him hurt me any more with his nasty words-telling him YOU will not be there for him might get him to think of what he will lose.

Veronica, thanks. My dad has always been physically violent, abusive, heavy-handed, etc... Even with the later years before my mom died last year and before he had his stroke 3 years ago, he has hit me several times in the head. Last time was on the side of my face where my eye glass almost flew off. After that one, the next time he got angry, he was going to strangle me. He came at me with so much anger, hands stretched out and fingers stretched as if to choke me. Even bedridden, he has punched me several times - those times, he was trying to aim for my face and only got my upper arm. Bedridden and still the same - trying to hit me in my face. That's why I was giving my SIL the heads up that I may not be able to continue with this.

I will see what I can do about cutting back on buying for him his chocolate almond milk and grape fiber drink. That's the only things that I can think of that is making him gain weight.

No, I know that there's really not much the urologist can do. I've seen articles on how surgery is not recommended for men of my dad's age. I know, deep inside. But I like to do process of elimination. Knowing that I was able to cross out options - like we saw the urologist and dad said No. This way, I can look at myself and still feel good that I did my best. Thanks for all the advice. Much appreciate it.

It's 9pm. Time to change pamper and maybe I will try to sleep early tonight. Most likely I will end up spending an hour ironing/handing my work clothes.

((((((sunny))))) - I probably am in better shape than they are. It runs in the family. We are pretty healthy till quite late in life other than the personality disorder, though mother at 101 is still considered competent as she passes the tests. Your profile says your mum is 43 but I think that is your age and you mum is in her late 60s perhaps or early 70s? I feel very fortunate to still be well, but it is about time I got someone in to help with the cleaning. ;p

I don't know how you could get out of this, but if I were you I would make a back-up plan. If you were hit by a bus tomorrow your mum and other relative would survive and be looked after by the system. Maybe not as well as you would, but please consider alternatives.

What was critical for me in getting support was that mother's personality disorder and paranoia were diagnosed. The paranoia is harder to deal with because of the BPD. I don't know if this is always the case with Alz. but it does tend to complicate things. Have you contacted the Agency on Aging and also Social Services in their area. I cannot emphasize enough the benefit of professional support.

One thing that people advise here is to have the senior evaluated for their capabilities. I think it is Social Services who does that and will make recommendations about what they need/where they need to live. I am in Canada and our systems are different. For seniors who won't move into a facility, but are really not capable of living at home sometimes all you can do is wait until something happens - like a fall - and they are hospitalized. Then the hospital cannot release them except to a suitable placement. Spending down and Medicaid is the way for many.

Another thing I will mention is if you have a personality disorder mother, chances are that you have had a difficult and possibly abusive childhood. That factors in the picture as well. You need to look after you and protect yourself as necessary. You sound in pretty good shape, but these BPDs can get very difficult.

I wish you all the best with this Herculean task you are taking on. You are a lot younger that I am and that certainly will help. Good luck

Emjo, I think you are in better health mental and physical even though older than both of my relatives! My mother could arguably be in a facility though she would have be declared incompetent and forced into one - not an easy task from what I've learned reading here. She's barely managing in her home now with some in-home help. My other relative is definitely still competent and managing, so she's a long way yet from being in a facility and wouldn't have the money for an ALF. She does show some warning signs though which worry me about the possibility of her developing dementia early as it runs strong in my family. Both of them will likely follow the path of NH, spend down then Medicaid. From a distance I can't supervise hired help or make sure that they aren't lying about their capabilities. They are very isolated so there are no neighbors I can get to check on them. I fear greater involvement is inevitable and I must make my peace with it. I looked for a geriatric care manager but none were listed in their entire state.

Countrymouse, of course nobody gave me any warning advice, hahaha! Like watch out you just signed up to sink into a tar pit. The problem is that I'm literally the only relative who can - there are no cousins, siblings, spouses, ZERO. So if I say no, they would be wards of the state when they decline enough. To me that's a pretty serious thing to leave them to and I don't feel that they deserve that. I'll try to arrange every service imaginable though and create buffers where I can.

Too,
As EMJO said so well! She has been there as have I. You first need to realize that your son's behavior is his responsibility and choice. Then you need to take care of you by getting son out of the house. A restraining order will probably be necessary, again from experience. If you do not do what should be done to protect and care for yourself, nobody else will.

I wondered as my daughter gets migraines. I may mention it to her. She has meds that help, but don't take the pain away completely. Glad yours is less than it was.

Emjo. I don't know if the frozen peas and hot hands and feet work for migraine. These days I only need to wait half an hour for my vision to clear and no further ill effects.

Hi glo - welcome. Seems you have several problems - one is being a caregiver to your mum, one is that you have your son staying with you and he drinks and gets argumentative, another is that your son gets abusive when he is drinking and another is that you allow this. Why??????

Yes, it is very dysfunctional. Have you reported your son's abuse? He should be reported for child abuse, senior abuse, spouse abuse and for abusing you. From what you wrote it sounds like verbal/emotional abuse. Is there any physical/financial/sexual abuse going on?

I need to say this: your son does not drink because he has to carry all the responsibility. No one is to blame for your son's drinking! No one. Your son drinks because he chooses to drink as a way of dealing with his stress, rather than dealing with it in a healthy manner. And he chooses to take out his frustrations on those around him who are weaker than he is.

Advice - your son must move out before he does someone permanent damage if he has not already. His wife/girlfriend and baby should NOT move with him. Contact Social Services and the local Agency on Aging about your situation and get counselling and whatever help they can offer. There are battered woman's shelters who can help the mother of your grandbaby to get set up and to deal with the abuser. The abuse will only get worse until/unless he gets help and stops drinking.

You also could calling in Adult Protective Services as verbal/emotional abuse comes under their mandate. They can do an investigation and make interventions to help you get your home in order. I would contact the other agencies first and follow their direction.

For yourself I suggest that you find an Alanon group, to help you understand alcoholism and your son's sickness, and find ways to cope. You could also speak with your doctor about your situation and possibly get an antidepressant and also some advise from him/her. I know you love your son, but he has a serious sickness. I speak from personal experience here. Three of my four children have/have had addictions - 2 alcoholism and 1 a gambling addiction. One with alcoholism is dead, the other two are alive, and doing well, not trapped by their addictions any more. They got help as did I.

Dysfunctional families keep secrets, and hide their problems from others. It is so important to get outside people - professionals - involved. Nothing will change for the better until you do. In fact, things will get worse. Please take steps before it does get worse.

I know it is difficult. Make a couple of calls for appointments/information today and come back and tell us about it. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Dysfunctional family and caregiving is whats going on inside my home. I am sole caregiver for my mother and my son lives with us as well as his 2 year old baby and mother of baby. My son turns to drinking when he has to carry all the responsibility for his baby and this causes him to become nasty and abusive to the baby, the mother of the baby, me and my mother. I am overwhelmed and stressed to the max just taking care of mom, but having my son act out and hearing the mother and my son cuss each other out every weekend is more than I can handle. If this isn't dysfunctional I don't know what is. Anyone out there who can help advise? Depressed and exhausted.

glad - it does sound like sis has something. You are right that 2 rambunctious kids will not be easy. Would not be surprised if she does not offer again. Surprised that the social worker does not have a clue. You would think she would have. Sorry to hear that your daughter just split with her hubby. I hope they work things out. I do think your daughter will figure it out about your sis.

Sharyn - sorry you are in the dumps, but it is not surprising You have had and have a big load - lots going on. We will be here when you are ready to come back. Take care of you!!!

sunny - wecome - sounds like you have too much too - Two with personality disorders is almost impossible I would not even consider moving them close to you or you moving close too them. My mother is a borderline and so very difficult to manage and age related changes e.g. paranoia are present now which makes it all worse. You don't have to take it on. Are they living in their homes? Is it time for a facility? The staff in a facility can take the major part of the load. You cannot let your own life be destroyed. Others have let the care go to a third party - sometimes that is all that is workable. There are times I wish I had not taken it on You have a lot of life ahead of you. I am 76 and still looking after (distance like you) my borderline mother who is 101 and going strong, Think about it. ((((((hugs))))) look after you.

concern4mama -welcome to you as well - as book says you would get more answers from posting your question/concern separately. Your family does sound dysfunctional. I would be concerned about your nephew and how your mothers money is being spent,. Who has POA medical and financial needs to be established for your mum's sake. I don't understand about the significance of what you are doing with the cemetery plots either. Can you clarify?

book - does your father have no income at all for food? Hope a different direction like straighten or relax works or you may have to slit the shirts.

cm - I might have pushed harder for a third party to be EPA and PD if I had realised how it was - not that mother would not have been after me anyway, but someone else would have the responsibility for the hard decisions, and it would have taken some of the pressure off me

Austin - happy that your nephew doesn't have worse injuries and yet it sounds bad enough and that it will take a while for him to heal. Gary had his pelvis broken in 4 places and he recovered and was older than your nephew so I imagine he will recover, but it will take time Looks like your sis will have to step in and help out. I am sure that your emotional support is valuable.

Hi michelle - welcome - I am the scapegoat too - a number of us here are. My sis is the golden child so I understand your position. It really makes it hard to be involved with these dynamics, yet they seem to fall back on us to do the work. With your dad at home and your mother in an NH you have a lot of work and responsibility. ((((((hugs)))))

veronica - I gave zoo a remedy for migraines from online - the hands and feet in hot water and bag if frozen peas on the back of the neck. Do you know if that is helpful? Sorry you have migraines and had them so long.

Love and (((((((hugs)))))) to all and do something good for you today!

Glad I have been a migraine suffer since age 13, although now with advancing age and hardening of the arteries I only get a short aura. I know that these days there are many drug options to help but when I was at my worst they did not exist. What worked for me was to soak in a hot bath and drink a hot cup of sweet tea and if I could get hold of it a diuretic. hugs

Well, I am the Scapegoat of my dysfunctional family. Mother is the enabler and she is in nursing home. I am the one it has always fell on that is to blame for everything wrong. I have a brother who is the GoldenChild, craps gold all the time it seems. Although he is the one who never comes to see his parents, although he only lives a bit over an hour away. I wish I could turn my head away and refuse to be involved too.

Usually when dealing with someone with one side damaged it works best to put the paralyzed arm into the sleeve first, over the head then the "good" one. Of course they need to be co-operative. Same with a jacket, bad side in the sleeve first then they can help with the good side. Slitting a shirt up the back will work unless the slit angers him. Also try asking him to do the opposite of what you want and see if the works. Tell him to bend when you want him to straighten.
My first thought was to tickle him but that was not very helpful!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Infections are a fact of life just give him the antibiotics or not if he refuses.
Going to the urologist is pretty pointless because he would probably refuse surgery and it would be dangerous for him anyway. A prostatectomy is major surgery and he'd still likely be incontinent afterwards so no gain there. Can you jiggle his diet so he does not continue to gain weight. Don't let him now about it but for instance if he wants lots of sweet things don't put sugar in the cakes use an artificial sweetener. Truvia is indistinguishable from sugar.
You say his bad arm is painful does he have enough pain medication to keep him comfortable. Don't worry about addiction at this stage being pain free may make him easier to manage. Don't exceed the recommend dose of Tylenol as it can severely damage the kidneys.
Just because Mom became violent does not mean Dad will too. Tying him up is obviously not an option but some sedation may be. He may not be ready for Hospice yet but is there a palliative care program near you. If you can enroll him they will be able to help with many of the same things hospice does and work with his Dr about medications etc

To bring everyone up to date on my sister's youngest son-in his 30's with the hiking accident falling backwards down a cliff-I talked to my sister yesterday he has a colasped lung fractured pelvis back fractures but his spine is ok stitches in his head-the problem is what he will do post hospital-he was on his way to Mexico to teach-he is estranged from the rest of the family except my sister-she flew out to CA to be with him and to see for herself how bad he was-I can only offer emotion help.

Sunnydreams, I'm wondering if you feel you fell into a trap, here - you say you're overwhelmed at the prospect of being the responsible party: my question, then, is how on earth were you persuaded to accept DPOA?

Taking my own family's situation, others on this site, and now yours too as examples, I'm wondering how much advice and thought goes on when powers of attorney get drawn up while the situation remains hypothetical. I'm pretty sure my mother, brother and sister went merrily ahead with their arrangement without using much imagination. What do you think? What advice were you given?

Thanks Booklvr for your reply! Just to clarify I don't plan to do hands on 24/7 caregiving. I am overwhelmed at the prospect of being the responsible party overseeing all their care and affairs. I already have DPOA in case of incapacity. Those who can personally do the 24/7 caring have my deepest respect. I read about your father, you must have such patience! So many years of caregiving from such a young age makes you pillar of strength in my book. I would suggest like emjo too to tell him to straighten instead of bend - or maybe a third word like Relax the arm.

Emjo, I will try the opposite next time. This is something new. Before, he would automatically bend his arm. Now, he automatically straightens it. Then when I tell him to bend it, he straightens it more. So, I’m thinking that he’s mentally also deteriorating in that he’s mixing the words and the actions.

Margeaux, I’ve decided not to buy the toaster/convection oven. I realized that I would have to buy everything from scratch – the baking pans, the ingredients, etc… We don’t even buy food regularly. Where will I find the extra $$ to buy butter, etc…. Our food is mainly from my income. Which I rarely have left over money to buy food.

Iwentanon – yep, you cannot force anyone to seek medical help. I went through this last year in June. I knew my father had pneumonia in May. I kept trying to get him to go to the clinic. He refused. I called 911, ambulance came, he refused, ambulance left. I then called APS. They cannot do anything. Gave me the elder care lawyer. Went to the office, got interviewed, and was told that there’s nothing they can do if father refuses to seek medical help. I then went to the medical insurance to try to get a doctor to do home visit and was very firmly told that their doctors are not allowed to do home visits. I was then given a number … APS! I was getting the run around. In conclusion, you cannot force anyone against their will to seek medical help.

Glad – I agree that it’s best to remain neutral. Unfortunately, your daughter will have to learn the hard way. Or not. Hard to say. Let’s just hope for the best and that your sis is in a very good mood when babysitting the grands. Let’s really really really hope all goes well!

Sharyn….that’s how I feel about living on this island and seeing so many people die of cancer. Or it coming back. It’s sad that so many worldwide are dying of cancers.