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Hi Sunnydreams and Concern4mama. You both have a difficult situation to deal with. Sunnydreams, there's no way that one can person can take care of another person 24/7. It is even much harder, to take care of 2 people by oneself. This can take YEARS of caregiving. I was age 23 when my mom was diagnosed with dementia when she was about 56 years old. My mom finally passed away last year. I have been helping to caregive for her for about 23 years later. 3 years ago, my father had a stroke. Therefore I was caregiving 2 bedridden parents for 3 years by myself and still have a full time job. Oldest sis only moved in last year. But she did come for 2 years from Monday-Fridays to babysit them while I was work. Even then, I was past exhaustion. I was falling during the daytime, blacking out (losing up to 20 minutes) at nights....... I think you need to really think this through before deciding that you can handle them. Versus the states/govt. Know this, if you do decide to care for them, it would be very very difficult to leave the home to do any shopping, etc.... You will need to find someone to do your errands for you. What I would really like for you to do - is read the different topics on this site. Read to be informed. And know that there are sooo many people like you or in similar situations.

Concern4mama... if you want a wider audience with their opinion, you may want to try asking a question. See the box on the Right that says: GET ANSWERS ? Just type in your question and hopefully you can get different ideas. I think everyone who reads your question will want to know who has POA (power of authority.) Only that person can disentangle your mom's financial records and see if the nephey did touch your mom's $50k...... What exactly are you going to transfer? And WHY? Whoever has POA would be best to seek a lawyer. The thing is, something should have been in place in the beginning. If $$ is needed for mom's expenses, then nephew should be keeping all the receipts and forwarding it monthly to the POA. Balance the money. Anything off, question the nephew. etc... And if no one has POA, I think it should be time to get one before nephew gets the idea to do it.
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My family has been dysfunctional since I was a little kid. I grew up witnessing verbal altercations between my mother and father, sometimes my grandmother. When my three sisters and I became adults, we became part of the problem. And now that we have children they, too, became part of the dysfunctional family that I hated since I became a teenager. My grandma and father have long been gone. Only my 85 year old mother is alive and has shown signs of dementia. She is under the care of my nephew who isolates her from her children. He runs after her children about money matters, denies that he has benefitted from my mother's money (no proof, he insists; that what my mother says about him borrowing about $50k was hearsay); wrote Oakhill Cemetery and Dignity and demanded that my name be taken off the irrevocable funeral insurance plan and cemetery lots I purchased on behalf of my mother, using her money. I now have the blank forms to do the transfer, but I am hoping to hear from an attorney who may be reading this forum.
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Adding I am not even 45, I never dreamed all this would come to me so soon.
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I hardly know where to start, just to share I am overwhelmed tonight. My life is in a very bad state socially, financially, and health-wise. I am doing long-distance caregiving for my borderline/narcissistic mother and locally she's being aided by another relative who has a personality disorder as well. The second relative is only in her sixties but is beginning to show signs of mental decline as well and there is no other family. I am so scared that I will end up having to be responsible for both of them soon as the local relative may soon need help herself if she continues to decline and my mother will no longer be able to count on her help. I do a huge amount of interventions from a distance but without one sane and willing local contact it will be impossible. My life is too unstable to move them locally to me and if I move to them my ability to take care of myself may be destroyed. I can't live with walking away and leaving them to the state either, I don't know what to do. Guess I just need some support tonight, thanks for reading.
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Thanks glad! I am in a slump right now. Just tired of cancer, people who are suffering with great burdens. I cant give any words of support so without
if going to a manor rant I need to take a break. This has been working I kn me for a while now...I just don't want to be a responsible person for awhile.****hugs****
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Sharyn-
my best wishes to you and your family.
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Margeaux-
I will not be saying anything to my daughter about my sister staying for three days while they go to Super Bowl. Go BRONCOS! But, it makes me very uncomfortable to say the least. I don't want to put any further stress on my relationship with daughter. She will find out in due time, I really think she sees it, but for whatever reason she is choosing to try to be close to her. Sis does a great job of garnering sympathy and getting people to believe she is treated so badly. Just bizarre. But I did tell the social worker about it and my discomfort. She was going to send sis an email about not seeing mom and giving her a crash course on how to respond to her. Sad, a counselor can't figure it out, but I guess she doesn't have to as long as she continues to blame me for her behavior. Social worker just does not understand her problem either. She may email my daughter as well, I just don't know. Daughter and hubby separated a few weeks ago, but are going to the game together. They have been so good for each other and have weathered many storms. Hopefully they have a good time with the right team winning.

Emjo,
I googled personality disorders and went to Mayo site. My sister doesn't seem to be BPD, but definitely histrionic and possibly bipolar. You just never know what she is going to say or do next. The social worker is quite confused by her as well as everybody else. In the beginning of all of this family all thought she may be developing early onset. I still wonder, the things she does and says are mystifying. I actually think she is afraid to spend time alone with mom because of the emotional upset that sis will experience.

sister babysitting will not be as easy as she thinks its going to be. She will, no doubt, take her supply of xanax. And they are very rambunctious children. Sis had one, and split time caring for him with her ex 50-50. She really has no idea what she is in for.
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Joan~Thank you for the prayers for Ethen. I am sorry for all that everyone is going through and I wish I could be more supportive, I am thinking of all of you and hoping you all receive peace of mind.

Have a good night everyone!!
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Margeaux - no I don't make meatballs, just simmer the hamburger - not moose burger this time. glad but I have used it in the past - with onions, garlic, tomato, celery, some bell peppers, and whatever else. I like to add a green leafy veg like spinach or bok choy. It makes a meal in a pot. Natives make hamburger soup with hamburger, onions and oatmeal and I liked that but cant have it due to allergies. Buckwheat is a good substitute. I make Swedish meatballs but those in gravy and mushrooms. My oven has a convection option. Can't say I have noticed much difference. Interesting about the chia gel. I have been thinking of trying chia for some things.

glad - soup today was definitely the right thing!!! I am going to do Thai coconut chicken tomorrow in the crock pot. Autocorrect can be a pain. More than once I have intended to send "Hugs" to Gary and nearly have sent "Jugs" lol

Iwentanon - how do you insist a person go to a doctor if they wont? I haven't figured that one out.

Well, the latest from mother is that she agrees that my decision is the best. She sounded reasonably comfortable with it. Wonder how long that will last. She said she was upset because I had accused her of lying about her doctor???? We haven't even discussed her doctor! Oh well.
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That is right.
When putting the shirt, sweater, or coat on an affected arm you put the affected are in first because , if you put it on the unaffected arm the shirt, sweater or coat, doesn't have any play.

When taking shirt sweater or coat off it is the reverse and the last to come out.
I wear one peice slip-overs they have the most fabric room, I hate getting trapped in my clothes. One side of my body is bigger the affected left side than the other by one size so I have to buy the one size bigger and do the shoulder inseam smaller on the right to look even.

Can they refuse to see a doctor, if you are the caregiver?
i think you have "rights" as a caregiver to insist that your father see a urologist, isn't that what caregivers do? I 'd give myself an easier time of it!
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Margeaux-
Emjo's soup is probably ground moose, I'm guessing and joking. Any sort of soup is wonder on the cold days we get and Emjo's are so much colder than mine in Colorado!

I will respond to my sister and daughter stuff on something other than my tablet, I hate typing on this thing and the words it auto corrects really irritates me. It wanted to correct auto correct to autoworkers. UGH
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Book,

Well, since I'm on the subject of the baking.......I read your question about the convection oven, can't remember if it was here or on the other thread. I don't know much about these ovens, have you found any more information?
I saw a recipe to something called a "Texas Sheet Cake." Boy, did that look good. It's one of these flat cakes made on a baking sheet. It was chocolate, and looked so good, like the ones they make in a school cafeteria.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Emjo,

Really sorry about your mom just going at it again.
I know....I use cooking as my therapy. Mmmm, do you make the hamburger soup with meatballs made out of the hamburger? Just wondering. I've made soup like this.

Recently, I made some chocolate chip cookies using some chia gel. Yes, this is the chia seeds from that commercial they used to run during Christmas. Anyway,
used it a substitute for eggs, and some of the oil I used in this recipe. Actually,
my husband loved them. I did too. Now, I'm spurred on to try and make these w/non-gluten flours. But I need some other flours to do this.

O.K., hang in there....and definitely hoping that you have some calm.
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Glad,

This must be very hard for you, the fact that your sister wants to watch your grandkids. Given the recent Christmas you had....and the fact your daughter went ahead and invited people you obviously have issues with, must not make your daughter look very good in your eyes either. My sister goes through this constantly, with her daughters, especially the eldest one, now that she has two small children. I totally understand why you wouldn't want your sister around them, too if she doesn't seem to use any reason, nor have compassion.

It feels to me also, that possibly your relationship with your daughter can be strained. If they make their own agreements between themselves, maybe you need to ask yourself whether it's really worth you becoming a party to all of that.
Is this baby sitting for them going to be for say a weekend? Definitely for the way you read your sister if it were for more time, or more consistent then maybe you could bring this up to your daughter. But I know.....as in my own sister's case, if she were to bring something as such up to her daughter, (of which she's been in that position) w/the grandmother wars, she realizes she'll create more tension between she and her own daughter.

Anyway, I just thought I'd bring up some of that, and give you something to think about in the matter. When my sister has voiced these kinds of concerns, I've told her that maybe she need just to back off, not obsess about these things. I find also that when you've several disruptive people, that eventually their going to have their own fallout. Maybe doesn't happen each and every time, but many times yes.

I do feel for you too, because as I was getting the impression from your postings,
you feel caught in the middle of all of this. But try to focus on yourself, instead of always worrying about what has to do with the care of others, even your grandkids, just for a day or two.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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book - if you tell your dad to straighten his arm will he bend it?
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glad - she certainly could have a personality disorder. Narcissism goes along with some - the need to be in control, to be the center of the universe, and you can't tell them anything as they are always right She really sounds out of touch with how your mum is. Denial is another common trait. Good for you having a great morning with a friend. Try not to worry about your mum all the time. It doesn't accomplish anything except keeping you worried. :p. You need a break from that.

Sharyn - that is heart breaking. Prayers for Ethan for sure. What a gorgeous child. I have been where they are and I know it is hard. ((((((Hugs)))))

emotional roller coaster here - last night I was nasty, nasty, mean and hurtful, and she disowned me, early this morning she says she knows I am doing what I think is best, and she accepts it, but then she goes on to tell me that the doc who removed her sex glands is associated to this ALF which is why she wants too move and she is afraid of being mutilated. Not sure what the most recent voice mail will say, but am leaving it for now. It feels like a long wait right now for her to be admitted. I have told my kids, even my daughter who ended up being very sensible and supportive. I am very thankful for that. The boys are always supportive. I will write mother's lawyer so she is filled in, in case of repercussions. There is a Mental Health Patient Advocate and certified patients do have rights so there is a process mother can follow if she feels mistreated or, I suppose, wrongfully certified. The phone is going and going. I suppose it is a outlet for her of some kind. I feel badly that my mother has this disease. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Cooking helps to ground me and I am out of coconut milk ice cream, so may have a go at that today. Hamburger soup is good, especially when it is minus 15 feels like minus 26 outside. Warming up a bit after that, thankfully.

Have a good day and do something good for you today!
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Thank you Book. I am so touched by the outpouring of support the family is receiving through prayer not just from family and friends, but from people all over that I felt compelled to share it. Thank you again for lighting a candle and praying.
Hugs back to you!
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Sharyn, I'm so sorry. I will also offer a prayer for little Ethen before I go to bed tonight.
{{{HUGS}}}
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Today has been an emotional day. I became a member of Team Ethen back in August. Ethen is a cousin to my husband. In July he was diagnosed with an inoperable brain stem tumor, a rare but aggressive cancer. After radiation treatments the tumor shrank by 40%. Recent MRI showed some brain swelling but drs were not sure if it was from cancer cells still dying or new cells forming. Ethen has been doing very well until the past Thursday when he suffered a seizure that left him unable to walk or talk. He has been in hospital since on a ventilor. The family is very strong in their faith and are continuing to pray for a complete recovery. Tonight a candle light vigil was held in his home town (but it did not end there), people all over the US and other countries have lit a candle for 8 year old Ethen. If you are interested in reading about Ethen, you can go on facebook, type Ethen Richardson Updates in your browser. Light a candle for him and pray. Thank you!
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Emjo,
Just saw about your moose hair pillows. I'm itching already! LOL.
I am probably being paranoid, I don't think she would hurt them, I do wonder if her sudden interest in them is how she thinks she can get back at me. She blames me for her lack of interest in mom and not seeing her because am here. What she has failed to tell anybody is the few times she has come over in the past 2.5 years is that I either leave the house or go to my room to read. The social worker that is moms guardian really cannot figure her out. Her behavior is just so completely bizarre. Nobody knows what to think. She is definitely narcissistic and always was the center of attention. She isn't any more, but still always wants her way. Odd behavior for a counselor, at that. I hope she is in therapy. But, nobody can tell her anything so it probably wouldn't do any good.

she called and talked with mom's hubby yesterday, this is the most common response to my informational emails, to ask how mom was doing. He tells her how many times mom asks what dat it is during breakfast. Her response?! Doesn't she have a calendar? She has no idea that mom would not be able to figure out what day it is from a wall calendar. He told her that we have a calendar at her place on the table. It is one of those day at a time types, if I change the day then she can look at it anytime and know. But, what tends to happen is she asks the day, then she looks at the calendar and says January. Not sure if she forgets the information she wanted or if she is actually confusing day of the week and month.

Had the agency caregiver here again today, went up to five hours, and all was quiet on the western front. Mom was comfortable enough to go back to bed for a nap. I had a wonderful morning with a dear friend that I babysat for when I was in high school. We went to breakfast, picked up a few groceries, went looking for a Super Bowl bandana (GO BRONCOS), then went to her house and chatted for a bit. It was very nice to have someone to spend time with so I wasn't constantly worrying about mom.
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glad - hurrah! yes Borderline Personality Disorder is a serious mental illness. There are several personality disorders. They all are serious mental illnesses. Does your sis really fit the description of any of these well? I understand your concern about your grandkids, but you don't have a formal diagnosis for your sib. Do you have concerns based on her interaction with them at other times? That is what I would be concerned about right now. Even if she is BPD it does not mean she would not keep the children safe. Does she have children of her own, and if so are they OK? We were kept safe, well fed, well dressed and so on. It was the emotional climate that was unhealthy and I understand that you would not want your grandkids subjected to that. Can you discuss your concerns calmly with your daughter? Mother would be much nicer to other people than she was to me for example so it could be fine - especially for only a few days. Hope this has helped (((((((hugs)))))) I understand you being protective about your grandkids.
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(((((((((zoo)))))))) can you just let this mess go and let the attny handle it, This is no good for you!!! Yeah, I understand the feeling of how it would be nice to have someone doing something for me too, then I think if you have to be decrepit and bat sh*t crazy for that to happen, I'll get my own groceries, thank you, and cook my own meals. Got a pot of hamburger soup on right now and I was feeling like cr*p (fibromyalgia pain) this afternoon, but sometimes getting up as soon as you can, and doing something for yourself helps,
quote "Every time I start to get back up as soon as I have to deal with the parents or sisters I'm so wound up you have to peel me off the ceiling with ammonia and a razor blade!" Is that telling you something. I agree with book. Time to look at another way.
But, we are here with the ammonia and the razor blades and we will help peel you off the ceiling, if that is what you need. Zoo, you can stop taking those phone calls. I cut mother off for a month. It was just to much for me after sis's interference and even now I pick and choose the calls that I answer or let them go to voice mail and answer when I feel up to it. And no guilt. I have a life too.
They do not need to run/ruin your life. There is space from them, but you have to create it. It is not easy, I know that well, but get those blue tights on, the tuna cans, the bracelets, the tiara, the reflective, deflective chicken vest - whatever it takes and get your own life back. Venting is good.
Here is a tip for migraines. If it doesn't work maybe you can laugh at yourself anyway, but it is supposed to help.
Submerge your feet and hands in hot/warm water and put a bag of frozen peas at the base of your skull. The heat on your extremities pulls the blood from your head relieving some/all of your headache.
Time for some protective measures - they the crazy ones - will go their merry crazy way anyway - no matter what you do. And don't give a sh*t what those fire ants say - can't be any worse than my sister says to me. It stings for a bit, but life goes on and I ignore her, Be the person YOU want to be - not what they want you to be, And the first thing is look after you! Up and at 'er Zoo!!! Time for YOU!!!
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Emjo-
I just realized that borderline personality disorder is an actual disorder. All this time I have thought you were kind of saying mom borders on being psychotic. I just read about it online, now I wonder if that is what sibling's problem is. Just found out that she offered to stay with my grandchildren for three days while daughter and husband are out of town. It would be nice if she would find a few hours for my mom. Now I am worried about her caring for my grandchildren. I'm the first to admit I'm paranoid, but I do not like this one little bit. If I told my daughter, that would blow up again. GEEZ!
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Zoolife, maybe this is a sign that the responsibility for your parents are way beyond what you can handle? A sign that maybe it's best that a neutral outside third party is better? And this will alleviate the everyone (aunts/uncles/parents) from calling you and yelling at you and blaming you. Now, you can say - check the lawyer. You have no control (as if that would stop them from getting mad at you!) Maybe it's a sign that you have handled as much as you can, bent as much as you can.... and that this is a sign that an Alternate road was paved to help you? {{{HUGS}}}
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Well I'm just supper depressed, and I must be really stupid! For some reason and my attorney talks really fast, I'm older and under tremendous stress, well I didn't realize I needed to be in court. I thought she the attorney was filing for guardianship alone, and I was co-conservator which I didn't realize I needed to stand before the Judge. Ok so it snowed back and didn't get going. The attorney's answer was she will file for herself alone on both, that didn't set well with me. I couldn't get her to call me back all week nothing was said about are you here in Virginia yet, do you know how to get to the court house. You know what guys, mentally I'm checked out I can't do it, I don't want to do it. This entire nightmare and some of you know the story has been a complete energy suck (excuse me but...) it's true. I got a call from one of my dads sisters I hate that cause I don't believe a word they say, she wanted to know what I was doing for them. My parent blew up at me, I blew up at the attorney to her I'm sick of everyone questioning my actions or non actions, and I'm sick of this being totally about them. I know their old sick and mean, but now I'm so stuck in a rut of depression. These meds aren't working I could use someone coming in feeding me 3 squares talking nice to me, but Hell NO! I was driving up but I'm sitting in the house shades drawn with a migraine. Every time I start to get back up as soon as I have to deal with the parents or sisters I'm so wound up you have to peel me off the ceiling with ammonia and a razor blade! Thanks for listening! Done
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Meant...when I kept telling to him to BEND his arm...but he keeps straightening it more.... Time to do some chores...
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Father is not close to hospice service. He has always been a mean person when we don't do what he says. He demanded instant obedience and no backtalk while we were growing up. I was truly hoping that the stroke would have left him the opposite of his true nature. Instead, it made him worse - with the added senility. Father is gaining weight. He is not weak. Right now, his main problem is his prostate..which he refuses to see the urologist. So, we're stuck with the catheter - which causes infections. I am resigned to seeing this bloody problem on a monthly basis because he just won't go to the clinic to see the urologist. He's Satisfied with the current status quo.

I've told SIL (of next door) that I'm still brainstorming on what I will be doing when he becomes violent like mom used to be. She said that we will just tie him up. My eyes widened and I shook my head. That's fine and dandy for THEM. I'm the one living here and "in charge" of his health. I Would Be the One Arrested for elder abuse if we tied him up - not them (next door)! I am still trying to figure out what to do.

Veronica, father wears a t-shirt and then an open long-sleeve light sweater - because he's always cold. But then, he becomes so hot, then cold, etc... I have to always change his shirt when I change his pampers because he would be soaking wet - with or without the sweater. Even when trying to take off the sweater, he straightens his arm...like he did this morning. And he got mad at me because I could not take the sweater off when i kept telling him to straighten his arm. I'm beginning to suspect that his senility is touching those brain cells that makes it obvious that to take off a clothing, you need to Bend your arm. Instead he straightens it. And when I keep repeating BEND, he just straightens his arm harder. So he's mixing the word BEND to STRAIGHT.

Ohhh! I think I will experiment on one of his older t-shirts. I will cut a slit on the Back side and try it your way. I didn't even think of doing it the opposite like you said! I just automatically try to take off his shirt by doing the moving arm, then slide it over his head, then pull it out from his weak painful stroke damaged left arm. Thanks....
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Book sorry you are having so much pain. I only have one little suggestion about Dad's shirt. Undo the front buttons, then pull the back up and over his head then you can slip it off his arms bent or stiff. Reverse to replace shirt. Knit fabric will make it easier.
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Book~I am sorry you are having so much pain. It only adds more stress doesn't it. Getting hospice to come would be nice, I do remember you saying you couldn't get them to come when your mother was passing away. Never feel that you cannot come here to vent and talk about what is going on with you. Even if we have nothing to offer, just being heard can help you to feel better. You are not a sourpuss, that is my crown, LOL!!

Iwen~I don't remember you posting about your leg or court. I hope it all works out for you and you have a speedy recovery.

Cm~Your friend sounds like one of those strong women who will suffer in silence because she is the glue to the family.

DinNY~I don't know if your mother has to take the pills at different times or if you can give them to her at a set time each day. I went to my mom's house at the around the same time each day to give her her meds. I was giving her an antidepressant but we told her it was for something else because she wouldn't take it if she knew it was an antidepressant.

Take care everyone, hope the weekend is restful.
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Iwentanon - good luck with your surgery. refresh my memory - what is court about exactly? How will your care takee manage without you? I do hope you enjoy the break!!!

DINY - can you get some help? It sounds like you have an impossible schedule/load. Does your mum have funds to hire some help or to pay you? Come back and vent anytime. It does help. Be sure too look after yourself -

judd -you have me thinking - yes they need to vent their misery and they take no responsibility for their happiness. You wrote " I offer something if she doesn't want help, great. I get to live my life. Until her next frantic call. Why until her next frantic call? It is a cycle that keeps repeating itself. She does fine in that cycle - you are the one suffering. I hope you find a job. You need to look after you and be the daughter, the person, that YOU want to be, not what she wants you to be - and do it in this life!!!

hi book - it is prudent to wait and see, I agree. I do feel that the AB Health System will not easily be moved from their decision. Sis has no power over them, and the only thing I can think of that would offset this is if mother started taking her meds voluntarily, and cooperating with them, which I think is highly unlikely. I am so sorry that you have so much pain. So glad the pillow and the massager worked. Is it time for more help? Do you have hospice? Can your doctor advise/order that you take a break?

glad - sounds like it would be worthwhile for you to try a pillow or two - moose hair perhaps? lol

cm - this lady has a long history of looking after others and not herself. Not sure you are going to make many inroads here. I always think being a good example goes further than most other tactics, but bless you for caring,

Austin - I agree that book needs more help. It is an impossible situation.

hugs everyone - do something good for you today. I need to start throwing out a lot of stuff to make housekeeping easier. Wish me luck!
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