notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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I completely agree with Austin. You do so much not only for your father,
but also for your entire family! I have always wondered hearing your particular situation, if you can also find some kind of help. You have been doing this a very long time, and at some point....your body is trying to tell you something.
Also, have you thought of the day you may not be able to do some of this anymore? You may at least want to check your options available, as your dad's health becomes more demanding, and your own health.
You should never feel that we don't want to hear what you're going through either.
This is what the thread is for. But I realize too, that you've written about how this makes you feel depressed, so can understand that also.
But take care of your pains, and don't allow for this man to abuse you.
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Father's catheter (urine) is bloody. Lastnight, it was super red. I was soooo grossed out emptying the bag. I was gagging and coughing and my stomach was heaving. I can't stand blood. His urine was really really red. Sis had to change it the first time because every time I looked at it, I was gagging and grossing out. But I had to empty it again before sleeping. I emptied it at 930pm. And it's almost 1am, and it's full and bloody again. One more emptying than I'm done. He called the doc who sent the nurse over with the antibiotics.
While changing his pampers, and in the middle of putting on his shirt, his right hand flew out and he tried to hit me. Pissed me off. I left him - with the shirt still up on his back and told him that I will not put up with being hit. He will have to learn. Because he tried to hit me, he can put his darn shirt on the rest of the way (already got his arms and head in it. Just have to pull it down.) He was cussing and getting mad at me.
He also gets so angry because when we try to take off his shirt, he STRAIGHTENS his arm! I keep telling him to bend his arm so that I can slip his arm out of the sleeve and he keeps straightening it more. Then he yells at me because i don't know how to take off his shirt. Sigh.....
I just haven't been feeling like posting here on AC. Too many problems with me and him. I don't want to be a sourpuss here. Too much negativity is not good....
Quick shout-out: does anyone have experience of managing late-onset rheumatoid arthritis, especially in the context of a hugely dysfunctional family leaning MUCH too heavily on the family matriarch, who is also the RA sufferer?
Carol is in her mid-sixties. Devoted (and much-loved, but by pretty clueless husband) wife, mother of four boys. Four! All boys! Imagine that. Tremendous hard worker, worked as a school cook all her life, of the sort who wins "unsung heroine" awards. Lovely woman, but as we can all guess has had very little time for herself or for developing close female friendships. Husband and wife both have a poor, verging on irresponsible, approach to their own healthcare - seek medical advice and then subvert or ignore it if it proves inconvenient, that sort of thing.
The four boys are now, I think, all married to variously unsatisfactory women, there are some grandchildren. They are all at each others' throats over the family-run businesses. They expect baby-sitting services and then criticise the childcare. They're nice boys, they do care about their mother, but... no one in the family is what you'd call academic. I sympathise with at least one of the DILs - as far as I can see, her major fault is that she's quite bright and loses patience with her in-laws.
I've got hold of a good information leaflet about RA and have suggested this be copied to every one of the boys and to the husband; I hope this will lead to heads being knocked together. But the big question is: how to make one of life's champion carers sit back and allow people take care of her? I really like this lady, but I don't live near her or see her often enough to be of practical help. All suggestions welcome: further reading, posters, cookery books, lifestyle guides, any ideas?
I had my annual medical and dental check-up on Wednesday. Since I couldn't remember when I had my last Tetanus shot, doc prescribed Tetanus and Flu shots. By late afternoon, my right joints were hurting. The next day, my right elbow was hurting more than the previous day. By 5pm, it was really really hurting.
When it was time to change father's pampers, I gasped and felt faint from this very very sharp pain on my lower right back. Even just bending a tiny bit forward, the pain shot out. To reach out with my right arm, and the pain shot out. But I was able to take off his shirt, wipe him down and put on the new pampers. I was almost in tears of pain/frustration when I couldn't even bend anymore to tape up his new pamper. By then, I couldn't handle the pain anymore... I was Anticipating it and flinching before it came. When I finally did it, I leaned exhaustedly against the wall. My back was killing me.
My arthritis pain is from my upper shoulders and upper back right below my neck. I do NOT have pain from my lower back. This is something new - which I contributed to either the Tetanus or Flu shot. So, last night, I used my back pillow. I ordered it off-island - it's basically flat with a slight rise. Ohhhh myyyyy!!! I laid it on top of my wedge pillow (to prevent acid reflux/GERD), and I laid down on it, the pain shot out and then I literally felt my back muscles relax. I fell asleep on my back and woke up this morning on my back. I slept the whole night through.
I've decided to bring my fluffy neck wrap massager with me daily to work. This morning, I felt my neck pain while driving to work. Even though I was late for work, I took the time in the car to use it. When I was done, I was able to avert the neck/headache pain without taking Tylenol!
The job you have at least gives you a break from her.
I am looking for one myself!
I took Mom to Dr today. She totally misunderstood everything the Dr said about the meds. I sat with the Mrs Know It All for 30 minutes going over the med schedule before going to work. Just got home and checked on meds/ eye drops she took. Well she did what she always does and that is to self medicate. She decided she was going to do the drops that she wanted to do. Told me she'd start the schedule tomorrow. Shoot me! Please! There is no preparation for the job I am doing. I throw my hands up in the air and say no one is bleeding or in heart failure, she didn't fall and her Dr said I was doing a great job with her. The Dr gets it. My Mom is a pain in my ass. Always has been and is going to be for the rest of her life. Tomorrow is another day right? Thanks for listening. I feel better already. I am loosing my mind but I feel better. Lol
Probably they need to be critical so they can vent their complaints about being miserable. Surely they can't take responsibility for their own happiness! ha
I am having foot surgery and will be helpless for two weeks.
I wish all of you well and when I know something new I will share it, when able.
I have been in a soft cast and a walking boot up to the knee since
Thanksgiving, boy my first two weeks of vacation in 7 years...
margeaux - I was impressed with her. Community geriatrics is her area so she probably has better knowledge/experience than some others, though she appeared pretty young, but anyone under 50 looks young to me.. I don't think my sis can stir up the pot other than harassing me and trying to manipulate mother, but she cannot accomplish much there now. As you say, your aunt could give a very good impression and so can mother, so it has been important for me to communicate with the mental health team and mother's case worker so they knew how mother really was. The ALF staff were great too as they saw mother's ups and downs.
Got my tat touch up which took a long time. Will have to come back for the eyeliner, but need to come back for mother's tax stuff anyway. I am exhausted and emotional now, checked out of the hotel and just waiting for the shuttle to the airport, so I have a 1 1/2 hours to sit and relax. Bubble bath at home tonight! Thanks for the encouragement. I know have done the right thing even if it is not entirely comfortable.
Finally, you have a sensible psychiatrist on your side.
I cannot tell you what good news this is. It is really difficult to deal with someone with such a strong will such as your mom's. I know you've been dealing with in this situation for quite some time. So to all of this I say, "Bravo."
You have a great outlook as to how you really don't want your sister at this point to start with her trouble. Why should she be allowed anyway, just to stir up the pot, after non-genuine involvement.
This situation is so reminiscent of our narcissistic aunt. My sister didn't have an powers legally speaking.....but she was her main caregiver. She as your mom,
was so strong willed. She did have her health problems, but outward appearances would give the impression she could still conduct business in a logical way.But the reality, as in your mom's case was very different.
O.K., take that bubble bath.
You're a wonderful daughter to your mom, and don't ever forget that!\
Hugs, & Congratulations! Margeaux
Joan, so glad to hear you made progress with Mum's situation....Sounds like a huge breakthru. What an emotional week, the ups n downs, hope you can relax and and begin unwind a bit, finally! I am so happy for you. XOXOX
Hope everyone has a nice weekend. Stay warm and safe.
so sorry about your nephew. Thank goodness his spine is OK. prayers going your way (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
cm - I have absolutely no intention of being present for the event. She won't have time to get to a phone. They will sedate if necessary and I doubt if she will have many phone privileges in the facility. The psych dr. said to go and have a good time and know my mother is well cared for. She will be in there at least a month. As long as she is on the drug, the fallout will not be so bad. The psych doc said to blame her. G says it is looking like first week of March now. He is a procrastinator, but does have stuff that needs to be dealt with in Feb.
One huge part of the relief is that now, even if I get hit by a bus, mother is in the hands of the mental health team, and any interference by my sis would be fruitless. Having her in the process for being certified makes a huge difference. She is still considered competent but not in the area of her own treatment - go figure. The CTO - Community Treatment Order (I had the words wrong above) - gives AB Health the authority to see she gets her drugs, attends appointments etc. It means she can stay in her ALF, but if she gets too difficult to manage they will hospitalize her again and so on, but the process has been started where it is no longer her choice whether or not to take the meds.
Hypocrite? Moi?
Take some deep breaths and relax with a bubble bath and amoratherapy. Blessings to you.
sharyn - good news below
veronica - I have cut her off at times - all of December and, in any case, I do not answer all phone calls normally. I had not seen her since the summer. She still affects me yes. I have PTSD from childhood and that still gets triggered - still working on it. I have been dealing with her crises for 70 years and have had enough, though, at the same time am concerned for her welfare, but someone else can step up to the plate.
The good news is that the psychiatrist says we all have tried everything and nothing is working, so when a bed becomes available in the geriatric mental heath facility she will be certified as incapable of making the right decisions about her treatment and forced to go there. It should be in around 2 weeks. The psychiatrist said it might involve the police and I said do whatever you need to do. I know it is not pleasant process and they do not do it if they think there is an alternative. Once she is certified and admitted they will ensure that she gets the meds she needs. They will also enact a Community Health Order which means once she is released that they have to authority to see that she takes her drugs regularly even if they have to be given by injection by a visiting nurse. It is unfortunate that it has come to this but all the people caring for her are in agreement and so am I and Gary.
I talked with her ALF Director of Health and Wellness this afternoon to inform her of this decision and we talked of how mother has been deteriorating. Even this morning she was ordering the staff around telling one that she was to do this for her and another was to do that - and all completely inappropriate.
I went by there on my way home and knocked on her door but no answer, and I could not see her in the common room, so I will leave well enough alone. Tomorrow I get my tat touch up and pack my bags and go home.
The - minor - bad news is that they could not install Windows 7 on mother's computer so I wasted a lot of time there, but got my money back. I will take her computer home with me, update with Win 8.1 and set it up as well as I can for her and bring it back in a few weeks. I need to get her tax stuff and talk to her ex financial adviser about that as he used to help her with her taxes. By then she should be in hospital for about a month I think and I can check out her apartment for papers freely.
I will let my kids know, but will not communicate with my sister after the last set of accusations. Not sure I will communicate to anyone in the family outside of my kids. No doubt it will come out somewhere sometimes and sis will be on the rampage - whatever, It was AB Health's decision.
I feel much relieved. I have to say the psychiatrist was a nice young woman. I am so thankful that they finally came to this point. There were times past that this would have been a good thing for mother, but no one ever took the initiative.
Tired now and time for supper. Managed about 15 blocks today not too badly. Take care all, and look after you.