The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Emjo I just don't know what to say that might help. It is just so difficult when Mom is so physically independent but so in denial about her mental illness.
Could you back off seeing her for a while and not talk on the phone either. I know this sounds cruel but you are her only anchor and that might just push her over the edge and get her where she needs to be. She still has too much control and power over you. Lots of hugs

Joan~I do hope something positive comes out of this trip regarding your mother. It is a stressful time for you, hang in there! """"Hugs""""

My time with my mother yesterday went well. Hair cut and color, she looks good with the color, not her natural brunette....a little lighter which I think looks better as we age. If you all recall, I posted about mom having a stuffed Siamese cat in her apartment. Yesterday that cat was gone, she now has a long haired white mechanical cat (about 14 inches tall). Hahaha...she is quite the klepto these days. I am laughing because my mother is the only resident in memory care with a lock on her door, LOL!! She is so paranoid of others stealing from her, yet, she seems to be doing her share of it too. I replaced her phone again, talked with the caregivers about this stray cat, they are aware she has it, but no one has claimed it as their own.

Off to do some cleaning, get dinner cooking. More moving of mom's stuff over here today.

Thanx all.
Bermuda - she was in hospital and evaluated last summer, found to have BPD and paranoia. They prescribed the antipsychotic and she won't take it. They arranged to have the mental health team visit her -it took months and months before they did then they evaluated her and found her to be competent and they are relying on me to convince her to take the meds, They can take her to hospital against her will but so far have decided not to. I think she needs to live in a psych facility were they can do something about seeing she gets meds and trained people can deal with her.
pst - marinol - she already is paranoid!!! I hope you are joking. I have never touched any of that stuff and don't intend to. Mother still visits her doctor independent of me. In any case I am in Canada and it is not legal here. She does not qualify for a nursing home as she is too physically fit.
Sharyn - yes, a lot of stress. I think they see mother at her best when they visit her, while I probably get the worst unloaded on me. She also unloads at her ALF so they see how she is, but I get the worst. She did not tell them about the sex glands though she did tell the church people. I presume they want to keep her where she is as long as possible. The mental health nurse said they could take her in and get her sorted and on the drug but when she gets out again, if she stops taking it we are back to square one. I think mother might find that being on the drug is not so bad and that it eases her anxieties. Hopefully they could do some therapy with her about that.
june -thanks - I have seen mother in an uncontrolled state so that 911 might have worked., but it would be better if the mental health team would take action and put her in a mental health care facility, as otherwise mother would be taken to the hospital, and the same thing as last summer would happen. She would be seen by doctors who don't know her and so on.

No news about the computer, so that is a pain. I hope it is ready this morning. I really don't have that much time tomorrow. Oh well - one step at a time. It all is quite frustrating and discouraging. Thankfully sis is out of the picture for now as she makes things quite impossible, but I know she will be included again at some point - something to look forward to. NOT!!!

If you call 911 for a person talking of suicde and they come and do not want to be taken anywhere and do not seem to be planning to hurt themselves they will not be taken for help-my late husband talked suicide all the time but when confronted said he was joking his therapist said just call 911 she was too stupid to understand what she was spouting off on-it will just be a waste of time EMT's can not take someone anyplace they do not want to go if they sound reasonable.

Counrymouse,

This really must work your nerves over, the way your sister is behaving.
This is really bad, her attitude of not honoring people who pamper your mother.

I'm not POA, nor the main caregiver. My sister is. But I would never ever think of questioning how she manages financials for mom. She is quite responsible in that matter. I'm sure you are too, and I'm really sorry that she scrutinizes your every move in your situation. I completely agree with you about how people aren't aware, probably when they become POA for anyone what that really involves.
Hang in there,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oh Joan, a lot of stress going on.I don't understand why the professionals will not do something. They do seem to stall when it is a mental issue. Take some deep breaths, I am afraid you may be dealing with this for awhile longer. Prayers for you.

emjo, Get her a script for Marinol and hope for the best. Tell them she has Glaucoma or whatever they want to hear. And save a couple for yourself. And if I have to go to a NH, pick one in CO for me, OK?

Emjo that's a tough situation! I don't know if you'd want to deal with the fallout of this action, but I've heard that it is considered okay to call 911 on someone if they even just talk of suicide. Then she might get shuttled off to the hospital and get some mental evaluation? I'm sorry you are dealing with this it sounds like all those paid professionals are nervous to get involved to really accomplish anything.

Thx margeaux. I am not holding out much hope that anything will be done this time and it really distresses me to see her getting worse and no one willing to act. It puts the burden on me - and fine, I am family and her caregiver, but if she was physically this ill, I think they would provide some treatment. Don't they have a mandate? I am sorry about your friend. It just does not seem fair.

ya1124 - a question by you before "Can I claim dementia parent living with my wife and I since 2012? " indicates you are male, and yet in this post you talk about your hubby, so I am a bit confused. A little more information would be helpful. Is it your mum, or your hubby's mum, being cared for? What are the "some things" that are happening? My only suggestion is a response to your statement that you did not know what was involved as a caregiver. Many here are in the same boat, If you are burning out, it is time to find/hire some help or consider placing the person in a facility. Good luck to you.

ya1124,
You sound like you're having a hard time, if your husband is not letting you do what you think is right.

Why not post your own question? If you tell us more of your story, we may be able to offer advice, and we are always glad to listen. Do you see the box that says "Get Answers"?

Sharynmarie, here in Taxachusetts we used to multiply the 5% sales tax by three.

CM - Backed him into a corner? ROTFLMAO!

I guess we are dysfunctional. but in an awareness kind of way. U know the story, "everyone will help til it's time to do it. "NOT". I'm POA in NAME only. Some things are happening that my Hubby won't "let" me take care of as POA. The only life that's been changed is mine. I feel bad to think that way, but it's true. I didn't realize what's involved as a caregiver. I'm at wits end. I love her like my real mom, but I can feel me burning out. What should I do?

Emjo,

I really feel for you. All too often one hears of these cases, where a person who really should be diagnosed is not. What must these case workers and phychiatrists hear from someone in your shoes.

I had a gf, who had some brain damage and was blind. She had so many health problems, so was on disability. Somehow she got kicked out of the system a few years ago, and couldn't collect her disability. When she went back to doctors to get reinstated, the doctors gave her the run around. She was being told she was depressed and they wanted to put her on anti-depressants, which she was totally against. Well she just about had to play the part she was willing to cooperate w/the doctor on the anti-depressant part, so that they'd reinstate her disability.

I can totally understand the feeling of being let down.

O.K., my dear,
Deep breaths,
You're in my thoughts!

Much Love & Light, Margeaux

Hope she is OK cm.

Well, I am having a meltdown today. I know the low thyroid is part of it. What triggered it was I called mother’s case worker and described how I saw mother, and also how mother’s reacted to the meds info. And I mentioned the thoughts of suicide mother talked about. The case worker, N, wanted me to try taking mother to the psychiatrist tomorrow, but I said no. Let her try to deal with a semi hysterical 101 yr. old woman in an office and or a cab in the middle of winter. On Monday, mother was totally against the psychiatrist. I never know from one day to the next who mother hates and who she doesn’t. Her behaviour is not appropriate. I can see her telling the cab driver she has had her sex glands removed…
The case worker asked if my stress was high. I said yes. I didn’t see mother yesterday and could not face seeing her today. The case worker said that they do take caregiver stress - therefore loss of support - into account. They are concerned about caregiver stress??? That triggered the tears –even if it is mainly because of loss if support. She said she would try to get a hold of the psychiatrist and encourage her to hospitalize mother. She felt the twice mentioned thoughts of suicide should be enough. What are they waiting for? They already have decided that when/if mother needs the next level of care it will have to be in a mental health facility.
I emailed the Director of Health and Wellness at mother’s ALF and asked her to tell mother I was not feeling well – true - whacked from walking too much yesterday, and that I would see her (mother) tomorrow. Still haven’t heard about her computer. The apptmt with the psychiatrist is tomorrow pm so I have a lot to do tomorrow.
Got the voice messages from home – mother wants me to get the meds info from a certain pharmacist – the other one doesn’t know anything according to her. This is not accomplishing anything except keeping me running around. Don’t believe for a minute mother will accept the same info from another person. It seems as long as I try to put bandaids on this situation, the health care people are happy, and not willing to act. But if I say I am too stressed out, they may do something. I can’t help mother, she is asking for help, they are the ones who have to help her. She needs professional help. I feel really let down by the medical world in general. Years ago when I was barely a teen, mother was in quite a state, and an MD came to our home. She kicked him out in tears and accusations. As he left, he said I am afraid you are going to have a hard time of it for a while. Thanks for the help, buddy. A psychiatrist saw her and my sister in Scotland and said they both were mentally ill –but no action. I told the dr. and psychiatrist in the hospital last summer that I have just about had it as I have been looking after these crises for 70 years. Did not get any support then either. It is about time! The one tomorrow may get an earful.

Telephone call from my Hague cousin earlier - he's back in London to clear my aunt's flat and wanted Older Brother and BP SIL's number, he's hoping to stay with them for a couple of days. I did NOT say 'rather you than me' but I may have sounded... ambivalent, perhaps. Cousin laughs and says he likes BP SIL, finds her most amusing. Goes on to tell me that at his birthday party in the Hague last autumn (which, strangely, Older Brother found he had plenty of time to go to, no problem there) BP SIL spotted a guest across a crowded room, diagnosed Parkinson's Disease on sight, and backed the poor chap into a corner for a one and a half hour lecture on tests, treatments, diet, lifestyle and prognosis.

Doesn't sound all that bloody stable to me...

Oh dear. It is lovely to have daughter here but Granny's first question was "have you finished school for this term?" Daughter is 27. Daughter reminded Granny that she is now a doctor. Granny instantly claimed that she knew that, she meant medical school. Daughter qualified 3 years ago. Granny claims she remembers the graduation ceremony, she just can't believe it was so long ago.

Basically Granny is all over the place today. Hope there's nothing brewing...

Jinx~I usually tip a little above 15% unless the service is above and beyond, then I tip more. I worked for a mom and pop pizza shop, they can't afford much more than minimum wage. I basically ran the shop so the owners could have a couple days off. I delivered pizza in my own car, ordered supplies, did weekly inventory on supplies. The days the owners did not work, I worked 12 hour shifts. I enjoyed the hectic schedule but when they wanted me to only work in the store...not doing deliveries any longer, I had to leave because without the tips and delivery fee coming my way...it was not doable at minimum wage. Where I live the sale tax is 8.5%...that is why my daughter will double the sale tax for the tip.

I know that the practice of tipping, at least in restaurants, is different in the US than it is in the UK. There's that business about "service included" or is that only on the continent?

When I was growing up, the standard tipping percent was 15%. That's what I always got as a waitress. Sometime in the last quarter-century, "they" have decided that 20% is now standard. If I was still employed, I wouldn't mind so much. Just yesterday I tipped 25% to the young lady who cracked my lobster tail for me, so I'm not totally cheap. But I think the employers should pay their staff more, and raise the prices if necessary. And when was the public referendum on upping the tip to 20%? No taxation without representation!

too funny, Sharyn! You scared the steers back into the pen. $5.00 tip on $75,00 - not enough!!!! Hope your sis spending her IRA on her house will pay off in the long run. Renovations are expensive. I know I will never see what I put into my house, but I am enjoying it and think it will make the house easier to sell when that time comes. I am so glad that your mum has calmed down. More on mine below.

cm - I think you have been royally stuffed too! Horrible! Re the horses, I know that Gary knows horse behaviour, so I trust him on that. He bought his first horse when he was 12 from money from his "piggy bank" or equivalent. Does he know how to sell them - no. I really don't think he wants to. I think you can trust a person on some things but not others, even if you trust them overall as a good person, which he is. I know he would not tell me to stand in front of a bunch of galloping horses if he thought there was a chance that I would get hurt - other than you could get hurt crossing the street sort of thing. Nothing is totally without risk. Once in a while I have challenged G on what he thinks I can do and offered an alternative - like changing travel plans at the last minute a while ago. I need more notice!!! Re the portfolio: her financial adviser will still handle her business, but I will be his contact instead of mother. He is my financial advisor too. All it means is a phone call once in a while about selling or buying this or that, and a signature on thing or another. I will probably have to get involved in getting her taxes done too, as he has done that for her, but now she does not want to see him, so I need to go through her tax stuff and make sure I have the contact info. and can get her forms. Her apt is being repaired from the flood, thus she is in another unit, so this is a good time to go there and go through her papers and get that stuff, but I want to make sure she is OK with it,
if possible. He is sad about what has happened to their relationship. They were friends for years and he used to come to tea, bring her flowers etc. He has bent over backwards to keep things smooth. I missed him yesterday and will try to have a little visit this time or the next. I have a feeling the next time will not be far off. How lovely to see you looking forward to a visit from your daughter. Enjoy!!!

Will start a new post for this morning's meltdown! :'(

I wouldn't want to have to report to my sis like you are having to CM. My daughter doubles the sale tax for the service rendered, giving that amount for the tip.

Good day everyone.

Sharynmarie, the steer probably thought you were both acting 'crazy like a fox'! They went back in the pen before you could frighten them any more! Ref: the bathroom painting, have you heard of the artist Banksie? - he might have a few creative ideas for you. Your sister could enjoy them every day.

My great aunt, the loveliest and most gracious person I think I will ever know, always liked to give people what she called "a note" for any service or kindness. If I'm paying by card I do the % thing and round up to the nearest sensible number, but if it's cash I copy Leah - and the smallest denomination note we have is £5, which is $7.00 or so is it? I suppose sister thinks I should've asked for change.

Honestly, I do feel I've been royally stuffed on this situation. If I'd known the POA was set up in 2004 I'd either have got it changed or thought - more than twice - about whether I was prepared to take the whole thing on. Reporting accounts to the taxman, sending statements to clients, I have eighteen years' experience of and no problem with. Reporting to your big sister… not quite the same. And at least the taxman doesn't come back and query my stationery choices!

Emjo I suppose trust like that explains why you have such a good relationship with Gary! You must have stood there thinking 'it'll be fine it'll be fine it'll be fine (HELP!) it'll be fine…"

How big and complex a portfolio is this that your mother's expecting you to handle? I'm just wondering how much more of your time she's asking you to give up, now that she's booted the faithful old retainer into touch. Is he sorry to be gone?!

The sheep in the garden made a lovely story. I like to think of them enjoying the flowers, like us with a fancy box of chocolates. Yum yum yum!

Daughter is coming home today for feeding up and to see her Granny, we've got her 'til Friday, it'll be lovely. Better get baking. Have a good day everyone x

All these animal stories are a nice break from all the serious talk. One summer I worked at the college school farm. My partner and I were painting a metal corral...the kind with the feed troughs outside the pen. The livestock teacher showed up with 3 young steer he bought at auction. He put them in this pen. My partner and I were the only employees there...well, the steer managed to squeeze out through the bars at the feed troughs. Steer are wild animals...we were so scared...how to get them back in the pen. I think our panic of running around and screaming that them, scared them back in the pen. Shortly after someone else showed up. Heavy sigh of relief for us!!

CM~I can relate to the cheap tipper. My sister is like that too. Tomorrow I am taking mom out for a hair cut and dye. It will cost $75.00. My sister sent the money already....but she told me to go ahead and tip her $5.00!!!???That isn't even 10%. I will of course tip more than 10%..it is only fair and right.

Sis is back to work this week. Her 401K was rolled over to an IRA. She is re-doing the inside of her house now, new appliances, new flooring, toilets. She wants me to paint her bathrooms, and I will do it.

Gotta go, have a full day tomorrow and laundry to do tonight. Have a good night everyone.

Joan~I agree, 10% is minimal. I usually tip between 15-20%. It does sound like your mother's paranoia is getting worse...I am so sorry as you will have your hands full until she is placed in a mental facility and so will the staff at her current ALF. I am so happy my mother seems to have mellowed as the Alz has taken over her personality disorder...for the most part.

Oh (((((((((cm)))))))))) -we cross-posted -that is horrible nitpicking of the worst kind. I am so thankful I am not in that situation. Mother wanted to make my sis and me co-POA, I refused as knew it would be a power struggle al the way down the line. I could not have done it and I know this kind of thing makes your job so much harder. Your sis does not have a clue!!! I thin sticking to emails a good idea - you have a record. 10% is a minimal tip to me - come on, at least 15% for decent service

Veronica - Gary assured me they would not run over me. He showed me exactly where to stand so they would turn into the gate and I know he knows horses, so I trusted him. Gary uses oats/grain to attract them too. There are a few horses that are easier to catch and then he ropes one of them and the others usually follow. I once saw him lasso a horse – Ebony. He was standing there nonchalantly with the coiled rope in his hand one minute, and with the flick of his wrist (I hardly saw it) the lasso was around her neck – real cowboy style. I was impressed. I have eaten elk, buffalo, moose, caribou, and venison (we call it deer meat) and pronghorn (antelope). The one I like best by far is caribou, followed by moose. Elk is fine too and buffalo. The deer up here are too sprucey tasting for me - depends what they feed on - and the prong horn has a very strong gamey flavour from eating sage brush. It is very hard to conceal.
Margeaux -she is not eligible for other care, unless it is mental health care. I think that is where she’s headed eventually because she will not take the meds. It is unfortunate. Do try the elk!
Judd – lots of fun with animal stories. One needs to have fun to get through the stress of care giving stuff. Love your sheep story. The horses will damage the paint on a truck licking the salt off from the roads here. Re the rooster - have you ever seen the Hitchcock movie about The Birds with Tippi Hedren? Scary!!!
Glad - I agree that Maine sounds wonderful. I can see the sheep with the flowers in their mouths.
Cm – hahahahaha – laugh of the evening!!!!! But mother would not like to be upstaged.
Had a good coffee with the journalist. Very nice man and said he would like his wife to meet me and they would take me out for lunch when I am in town again, I am sure I could bring Gary too. He has a 94 yr. old narcissistic mil from the sound of it who needs help, but will not accept it. I told him they will have to wait till something happens to convince her. He also has what sounds like a personality disorder daughter. We talked about a lot of stuff. It was interesting and I look forward to meeting his wife.
After talking with L at mother’s ALF and her saying that mother’s next level of care will need to be a mental health placement, I don’t see any point in visiting this other place. I have no idea whether mother even wants to go or how she would behave considering her response to the info about her drug. She is up and down like a yoyo. If we went and he told her that she would not get her diet I can see her going off about her sex glands and that the government is plotting against her. She already told me if he is saying she does not get her diet it means the government has gotten to him. So what is the point? Just more stress. Hopefully her computer will be ready tomorrow –that is an easier topic to deal with. Otherwise I will take it easy.
Yesterday, mother told me to take over handling her investments, so I went to that office today and signed the document. I have kept them updated in general. Her financial advisor has always been such a good friend and now he is on her “hate” list, for no reason at all. Sad. Such a nice man.
G and I saw another IMAX –I fell asleep for part of it – too much walking around down town, but that is good for me. He had to go back to work for a bit and I will go to bed early.
Have a good evening and hope you did something good for you today!

Grrrrrrrrrr. That thread, do we ever feel that many of our friends don't understand what being a caregiver is all about - THAT I don't mind so much. It's the clueless siblings that get to me. Standing on the sidelines and sniping. And that's when they're busting a gut trying to be NICE.

Right, so this is sister being nice, ok? Apparently I've overtipped the manicurist and the hairdresser, it should be 10% maximum. [Does she know many manicurists who take a full hour over their little old lady customers? Or hairdressers who check a dozen times that she's comfortable just while she's having her hair washed? Those ladies earned their 'excessive' tips - and charge next to nothing anyway, which is why the 10% norm would be pitiful. But sister wouldn't know, would she, because she's NOT THERE.] A separate credit card is out of the question 'because of the lack of control.' [Meaning? I'll tell you what, let's not go there…] But expenditure under about $30 needn't be itemised. [Oh really? What about hairdressers' tips, then?] Cups of coffee and magazines are normal household spending and should come out of the joint account [Should they? Mine don't!]. I haven't told her what next week's vet's bill will be [I shall consult my crystal ball. Euthanasia or treatment? Hey, cat, how are you feeling today…?] I can find out the price of an over chair table online [Indeed I can. They range from $20 secondhand to several hundred. Does that help your estimate?] Car fuel should be paid for using her state Attendance Allowance, that's what it's for. [Er, no. The Government gives her money to help her buy care services so that she can stay living at home. It'd get her about 10 hours a week. You sure you want to start adding up how much her care should be costing…?] Etc etc etc etc...

Eight emails back and forth, both of us visibly 'keeping our tempers.' If my mother's lawyer had TRIED to come up with a formula to cause the maximum potential for conflict and stress she couldn't have made a better job of it. Give me strength.

And not to worry, while sister's away older brother's in charge of the cheque book. [Well if he decides he's speaking to me I'm sure he'll be a great help. Or is he delegating that task to Bipolar SIL as well?]

But hey at least I can spell. Think I'll confine all complex discussions to email, it really gives me an edge. And tomorrow I'm opening a separate bank account because this is BOLLOCKS.

Emjo, tell her you're not wearing any, it must be your super-healthy sex glands playing up...

Lilboopeep. One thing no one told you was before you get the loose animals back into the pen find out where they got out because they will head right to that spot again just like your sheep did. What Warren did was use the whistles he would with a sheep dog and the sheep were too dumbs to know there was not a dog in sight. Neat story! I can't put this in the "You know you are a caregiver when........" but you know you are not a country girl when you are afraid of animals.

I almost got attacked by a rooster once in New Hampshire. I was wondering around Eagle Mountain House, a fancy old hotel. I think they filmed The Shining there.
While outside a beautiful red rooster was strutting around in the parking lot. I went up to it with sketchbook in hand and was drawing it. I was laughing at it and getting down the movement. It walked ahead like it didn't mind me but after a while it decided no more patience. Get the girl. He flew up in the air and started to kick me with his sharp nailed feet. A few attentive bicycle riders saw my predicament. One quickly unhitched the front wheel to his bike and used it like a shield and scared the bird away. I was on the ground cowering into my sketchpad. The drawing came out great though. I gave it to friend. I wonder if she still has it.

JBH-
Country in Maine sounds absolutely wonderful! Funny sheep story, crazy animals just like crazy family members! Sometimes it feels like the dysfunctional family members are the sheep in the house, with the flowers in their mouth just watching and thinking "look what I am getting away with!"