The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

I have no idea about cats vs possessed ones. As for bro, he says that the cats just lay there and stares at him. They watch his every move. They seem to know my mood. When I'm really pissed off (from father), they take one look at me, and flee.

Oh, the reason the chicken ran towards my niece's car is because they know that my oldest sister is in it. They Always run to greet my sis when her daughter drops her to babysit the parents. That's how smart those chickens are. They KNOW which car to run towards to. When sis comes out of the car, the chickens fight to be the one close to her. And they all walk with her from the hill down to our house.

Our wild cats - for now- are leaving dead lizards in our front porch. At least it's not dead rats with missing body parts - like the previous wild cats before them. These new cats are tamer. So far, I haven't found any dead rats - only lizards. I remembered one time, walking out of the back door, and right there on the wood, was a rat with no head. Or where I parked my car, there was another dead rat. I always dreaded forgetting to look at the ground to see any dead rats - and then accidentally step on one. The wild cats at my brother's land are wilder than ours (we, uhm....feed them our table scrap). He said that they've been finding dead rats all over their land. He's glad because he rather they get killed than to find their way into the house. Well, it's 11pm. Time to sign off.

Isn't that odd! I wonder what they thought your niece's car was? We get overflown by a few civil aeroplanes, which the chickens ignore, and the occasional military jet - which they definitely don't! It could be the noise, or how low they fly, but I'm becoming convinced that they're just really impressed!

Poor little girl chicken. I'm afraid she was in for a miserable life if even the roosters weren't interested in protecting her. Mystifies me, how they decide which one to bully.

I should think your neighbour would be horrified by what our chickens get away with. My over-the-road neighbour shakes his head sadly but he's too much of a natural gentleman to say rude things about daft suburbanites. What are your wild cats getting up to? - and how do you tell a possessed wild cat from a perfectly normal one???

CM, Alice is fine. She's one very healthy looking hen. I know what you mean about how the other chickens decide to pick on one specific hen. But it's the roosters attacking this one hen while ignoring the others. The poor hen tries hiding under the brush, and the 5 roosters are still pecking at it. After a few weeks, that hen looks just as scrawny-looking as LadeeM's avatar! That poor hen had most of her feathers gone. And it was not a full-grown hen. To me - it looked like a teenager. Very small hen compared to the others.

Did you know, before my oldest sis moved in, when her daughter's car starts to pull in, all the chickens run to meet the car. I couldn't believe how they all ran Towards it. When she got out, the chickens surrounded her. I have never seen wild chicken do that before. It unnerved my oldest bro-of-next door. So, one day, he caught most of it and got rid of them. He said that those chickens do not behave as chickens should. (He thinks they're possessed by spirits.) ... Well, he said that about the wild cats, too.

Don't worry Book! - Alice is a temporary feature until I find a field mouse I like. Hope you're ok with nice mice..?

A book about chickens I was given was dedicated to "the little red bastard" - I'd never allow small children near them unsupervised. I would also never allow chickens near larger children unsupervised. Hen fights are usually extremely brief (especially when Alice is involved - vengeance is swift and terrible), thankfully; what's more miserable is when they all turn on one of their number and give her hell. Reminds me of school. Not the happiest days of my life, whatever the saying is. And just like at school I spend much of my time consoling and protecting the victim - Bébé at the moment - while wondering why she has to be such a complete idiot and can't seem to help getting on the others' nerves.

Poor little Hamish wouldn't bother anyone though. If ever a rooster had had his balls thoroughly broken… He's around pretty much for decorative purposes. But he is also a complete gentleman and always tells the ladies when he's found something tasty for them. I sometimes think he must wonder why he bothers. Life is not turning out how his mother promised him it would be, that's for certain.

Emjo I asked what variety our ex-bats were and the rehomer looked at me as if I was being racist. I gather from other sources that they're usually an Orpington Rhode Island Red cross, for optimum laying. They are bred to lay like billy-o for one or two seasons and then be slaughtered. So even though old-style battery cages are now outlawed, the Trust still stages regular rescues and rehomes as many as possible. They've built up good networks with farmers, who are not evil but are just trying to make a living in a mad commercial world and are happy to see as many of their uneconomic birds as possible put out to grass. We've rehomed eight altogether over four years. All but Alice, and her predecessor DeeDee who following the coup d'état retired to her nest box and turned her beak to the wall, have succumbed to egg-binding: because they're bred to lay large eggs in insane quantities, inevitably by their third or fourth season their bodies can't produce enough shell material to prevent the egg getting stuck and they die horribly of peritonitis. I heard that calcium shots were the answer, but our lovely vet explained that this was a short-term fix, not a cure, and was only delaying the inevitable. I put Alice on mother's daily calcium supplements eighteen months ago and so far, touch wood, she's ok. I'm hoping she's post-menopausal and no longer in danger. She's been off lay for ages, though I'm not sure that it's not connected to Hamish's arrival - maybe if she's directing all her energies to leading the flock she's not producing the right hormones or something. I don't really know how old she is - at least four, but at a stretch she could be coming up for seven. The only people who aren't safe with her are ladies who have painted their toenails a lovely ripe red - how's she to know they're not delicious?

Book, with my older daughter it's geese. There was a pond near her school that she had to walk past - her and a couple of hundred other girls, mind you - and she became convinced that they were singling her out. Actually it's not impossible that they were - she would have stood out in her little group, being confident and quite noisy, so there might have been some kind of tribal element to it I suppose. Whatever the reason, she learned to scuttle past them keeping her head down and now only likes geese on the menu. Are you sure the duck wasn't just following you, though? They are very inquisitive little creatures, and not aggressive unless you go too near a nest by accident.

I think probably the only way to cure yourself - if you feel the need - of fearing dogs is to get one. I'm looking at a photo of myself aged about one (I'm wearing a diaper, and nothing else, thanks Ma) attempting to retrieve my doll from an Alsatian. My mother told me, when I showed her the picture, that the Alsatian was later destroyed after it attacked a postman. She just mentioned this casually. "What, that dog there, chewing on my doll's leg?" "Yes, Ray [his owner] was awfully upset." I suppose she thought that as long as she was in the room taking photos I was safe enough. I don't think anything happened then to frighten me, but something later must have done because I was very much a cat person (still am, if I had to choose) until we got my son a puppy, nearly 20 years ago. I now appreciate dogs' virtues much better. Still working on my fear of horses. I know in THEORY you just show them who's boss, but they're so bloody big! - makes me think that, actually, they are. Our first dog, Cindy, shared my suspicion of them. We once got stuck at a t-junction in the car, and while we were waiting to turn the entire Household Cavalry went past - they were on their way back to barracks from exercise on Hampstead Heath. Cindy went hysterical - "F*** me! There are THOUSANDS of them!" - she'd lost her bark by the time they'd all gone past and I was stone deaf for half an hour after.

Book, there's nothing wrong with being afraid of animals; the only pity of it is that YOU miss out on such a lot! I'm not as bad as my mother, infinitely preferring animals to people, but it is a relief to have company in the house that doesn't argue or criticise or ever behave irrationally...

{{{laughing}}} Well, it was funny on your first post. Took me a while to figure out "stem" was "stew." Couldn't figure out the other word. Then I go to the next page, and that "stupud" kindle knew you were talking about it. So, it misspelled "stupid"!!
I laughed even harder than your first post.

Sharyn, only Your Kindle comes out funny Consistently. I always get a kick when it decides to change a lot of your words. And I just Knew that you were going to come back and blame the kindle! =)

Stupud kindle.,the neighor ate the geese.

Book- I had to laugh a little at your post. It reminded me of a very early childhood memory. I was probablyaround 3 yrs. The first house my parents had was on a 1/4 acre lot just outsidecity limits. We had 3 geese. Every time my mother would take me in the front yard to play on the lawn, the geese would attack me knocking me to the ground and pecking the sides of my stomache. My dad did not believe my mom. One day my dad was out doing yard work when they attacked him from behind. My dad chased them away ....they came after him again, this time he threw one as best he could across the yard. Well, it got up flapping it's wings charging him again, lol!! The next day my dad gave the geese to a neighbor around the corner. The next time my dad saw the neighbor, headier how the geese were doing. The neighbor said..very mean geese...we stem them for dinner!!

CM, no offense but I don't like chickens. There are 8 of us kids + 4 cousins that my mom (homemaker) watched while we were in elementary age. My 2 older brothers have always competed with one another. BUT, they also competed on how to make our lives miserable. For the older sisters, my bros would tie a dead or live lizard, then when they were passing by, they dropped the string to leave it dangling near their face (or just hang it from the light fixtures.) For us younger kids, they taught their puppies to chase us kids. (Hence, I'm scared of dogs.) And they went and got some fighting roosters and trained it to attack each other - and to us kids. Between the aggressive hen or the fighting roosters (attacked us when our backs were turned), I don't trust chickens at all. Do you know how difficult it is to take clothes out of the outdoor washer and hear these tiny feet running towards you. Grab the broom, turn swiftly and the rooster swerves away. Then it walks like nothing is happening. Turn my back to pick up more clothes, hear those darn running feet, turn with the raised broom. Chicken swerves away and pretends to do nothing. Sigh... We FORGOT to warn our young cousin whom came for a visit with her mom. We heard this hysterical terrified screaming out back. We ran out. The rooster got her in the face. She was bleeding. sigh... As an adult, I even got chased by a duck! What, do I have an invisible sign on me that tells animals that I'm terrified of them? =)

hahahaha Alice is a character! Love it! What spirit! My will is pretty iron on some things. Maybe we all should peck a few people on the bottom, metaphorically speaking, all the while muttering chckensh*t. It does say something about dominance doesn't it. Nerve goes a long way. Poor Hamish!!!

thanks for asking cm - shoulder better since my thyroid meds were increased. The sleepiness is also almost certainly related to being on too low a dose of thyroid meds or possibly being on the wrong meds. Various things happen when the dose is too low, including arthritis/joint pain. It is almost my best indicator. I found a new dr and asked him to do a series of tests to see if we can pinpoint what the problem is. I rather suspect the stress when my sis was over combined with the stress of the brutal cold we had in December are factors. You can develop a thyroid resistance - due to stress among other things - like insulin resistance in diabetes type 2. It is not that uncommon, and needs a different meds. My daughter is on that meds and feels better on it than when on the one I use. So there are answers, but it will take a few months to figure it all out. I am thankful it is nothing worse.

You do have beautiful chickens... is Alice a New Hampshire Red? She looks too light for a classical Rhode Island Red.

Alice's secret is nothing more than an iron will. She is smaller than the others, older, a rescue chicken (from the days when, I'm sorry to say, beak clipping was still carried out in battery farms), and afraid of nothing (including our Staffordshire bull terrier, whom she flew at and pecked on the bottom, much to his astonishment). She arrived here two and a half years ago with a fresh scar on her comb (hence "Alice Capone"), beat up the previous boss hen, terrorised her second-in-command, brazened out two days in solitary confinement (I was thinking of taking her back) and has since failed to read the book about how hens always concede power when a cockerel is introduced to the flock - poor old Hamish didn't know what had hit him. She is a complete thug. I love her.

How's your shoulder, Emjo? Are you sure you're not getting tired out from being in pain? Hope it's feeling better - and if the sleep's doing you good, enjoy...

margeaux - denial and fear for sure

cm - you can tell Alice, who by the way is gorgeous and you can pass that along to her too, that nothing personal is meant, but we just don't have the feathers she has for protection. No mickey's being taken. Is she the top hen in the pecking order? If so, I want to know her secret.

I am with you both on family secrecy, not that I have had great results, but I feel better for stopping playing the game. I feel "cleaner".

hmm, glad - I could certainly mutter it under my breath... chickensh*t chickensh*t chickensh*t. You know, I think it would help. lol

OK, back to the packing, sigh. Getting tired of this... Spending the time and money to accomplish something miniscule, if I am lucky. But she needs to know that I was willing to spend some time with her and do what I can. Hopefully we can do a couple of nice lunches. Major snow again here. More shovelling for the grandson.

Have a good afternoon and do something good for you - you are worth it!

CM,
Did you just change your avatar? Is that one of your chickens?

Joan-
How about "If you weren't such a chickensh*t you would be doing this job that certainly is not for the meek"

Margeaux, I so agree about how stupid the secrecy is - it's so pointless and damaging, and so unfair to the people kept in the dark. It never does anything to change the reality of what needs to be faced and dealt with, is what gets me - so what's the point?

I can see, especially with mental illness in younger people, that stigma remains a problem. But if it's ever going to change, we need to start somewhere! - and surely openness within families shouldn't be so hard?

I agree with you about the "smell of burning martyr" - very unpleasant! And I could do with a break. And mother could do with a break - from me! It's a work in progress, we'll get there.

Alice - see profile picture - does not want to hear another word about reflective vests. Quite unnecessary, in her opinion, and she suspects that the mickey is being taken.

Countrymouse,

This is certainly a terrible situation you've described that your brother kept SIL's
condition a secret. Overall many people don't have the compassion you have about the situation. There's still lots of stigma as I'm sure you are aware of
It sounds as if your brother is not involved, nor interested much in the care of your mom to begin with. If it's taken an episode, in which others had to suggest he do something about it........well what does that say about him? Total denial.
Actually, this is a description of both my brothers.

Prior, to mom really being diagnosed w/ALZ, 7 yrs., ago......there were many things happening to mom, the typical downward spiral that occurs to people w/ALZ. Much later......my sister who moved in w/mom and mom's elder sister,
told me, that my brother's comments to her during his time as the POA, were something like......."You wouldn't want to know what's happening around here."
This of course referring to some of mom's growing incompetence, and my aunt's declining immobility. Mind you, back then when mom & the sister still enjoyed their independence.....my aunt was the dominant one between them. She did all the driving doing errands, going to the senior center (they'd been actively involved for over 13 yrs.). But now....mom was caregiving for her older sister, meanwhile, my brother totally downplayed the fact that mom could be in the throes of ALZ.
To top things off, mom's sister who was still calling the shots, even though she could no longer drive......is the only one who knew that mom already been diagnosed w/ALZ, by the doc they both were seeing. He prescribed her anti-dep.
which put mom in a weird stupor, I'd never seen her in. But I'm sure our aunt didn't want we mom's kids to know, because, of course denial. I firmly believe in this case, it had more to do w/now mom wasn't going to be her driver, nor her CG.
So in essence mom had about a year and a half time lapse, being like this, still driving. When we found out, especially my sister and me, were so angry at our aunt for doing this. But in our family since my parents allowed this horrible narcissist to have to much power, that's what we were dealing with. It was business as usual.

Anyway, my point is that whether it be on account of some other dysfunction going on, the denial, the fear, all of that each and every one of us still however has to be a little responsible for this. How long are you going to be away from your mom?
Remember too, that the more available YOU feel you need to be for other's doesn't allow for someone such as your brother to step up. My sister does this constantly, with respect to the fact that my brother didn't raise his children to be more sensitive to the needs of others. Then she goes into overdrive thinking she's some kind of super woman to which I start calling her a self imposed martyr.
It's really about perspective. So I suggest you start telling yourself, "things are going to be o.k., til I get back, and I'm going to have a great time!"

You're in my thoughts,
and believe me I do understand your feelings about the secrecy.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

ju - I think you did the right thing by moving out young and getting away from the crazies.

veronica - glad you did pull you big girl panties up -sounds like you have worked it out well. Love overcomes a lot.

glad - I like the logo - Don't mess with me! I feel chickensh*t belongs in there somewhere, but not sure how.

sharyn - helmet and whistle? The helmet would have to have some feathers on it - like a crest - and the whistle would have to be a rooster crowing at dawn lol

sunglasses are necessary, too - to deflect the evil rays...so you don't get blinded by the bs

I can't keep my eyes open today -maybe I am developing defensive narcolepsy. One can dream. Every time the nonsense starts you automatically fall asleep.

A deflective chicken vest, LOL!! Does it come with a helmet and a whistle??

Joan-
We all need deflective caregiver vests that carry warnings "do not mess with me!"

Oh can I relate Austin. he sent a friend to take me home from the hospital after my second baby - he had an important meeting. I was able to get my big girl panties pulled up but not till I was almost sixty. I was a RN in the UK but of course could not work here and had been a stay at home Mom so was completely dependent and still believed I was not very bright. Had thought of leaving many times but just did not know how I could manage financially plus we had three kids. Well I finally found out that all I needed to do to be a RN here was obtain my transcript from the UK and take the NCLEX. With much trepidation and fear of failure I took and passed. So now I could work and support myself if necessary. Well I never did leave even though he did several times but I had my self confidence and quickly found a job where my work was greatly appreciated. I knew that if I left this miserable puppy dog would be sitting outside my door very soon, besides I loved this idiot and knew how lost he would be without me. He really is a very good man he can't help his illness.
CM all you can do is what you feel is best for your Mum. I am sure you have looked at all the possibilities. Could B and SIL stay with her for a few days and maybe other family members and caregivers. I don't know what the answer is but make sure she has a new chicken vest before you leave her.

I have read a couple books on bipolar and it is the energy/highs are very powerful, they do not want to lose that good feeling so do not want to medicate but yes with proper meds and treatment and care can be managed well. I remember dad and his spells, I could just tell by the tone and cadence of his speech when he was on an up. I knew he was ill but so young I didn't understand what that meant. I agree Mental illness is no excuse for bad behavior but I see now how if one does not know the person has mental issues it is less acceptable in some kind of way. I don't know how my mom stayed with my dad thru it all, with my brothers becoming ill as well! The craziness was too much for me, I moved out very young!! Anyway, I wonder how much the extended family knew, I know we were not close to any of the aunts and uncle's, in both distance and relationship. I had Gpa n Gma and 1 uncle n family on dad's side in the same city, the rest were across the country. Mom had a sister n family 600 miles away we would see maybe every other year. Anyway, locally, we would have dinners together now n then and holidays but that is about it. Only met the family 3.000 miles away 2wice, once I visited other Gma for a summer in grade school and once gma and uncle n family visited us in CA. So based on us not being close I think either they did not know and just saw all this as misbehaving and alcoholism, or knew and were put off my "the mental illness stigma".

lol Packing now, ju! The suit is imaginary but still gives some protection. Mother was a little more vulnerable again last night - that's twice! She said when I don't answer the phone she feels cut off and she got a little teary. That's honest and I can deal with that. I explained that I am not feeling well with the low thyroid and she believes me. I just want to sleep and my gut issues have flared a bit. When the thyroid is low, so is the immune system. But, I said I will be down and do what I can. I got a blow by blow in more detail about the sex gland removal - goodness me. I think it must relate back to something earlier in her life. She has asked me to take over dealing with her financial advisor and her investments. He is on her "hate" list right now. Very sad as he has been so good to her for years, but the mail he sends her, which is mainly very routine, distresses her, as she doesn't know what to do about it. Mostly nothing needs to be done which is easy for me. Her loyalties swing about weekly. She wants me to contact this one and that one to come and visit her and do something about the terrible things that are happening... I just try to deflect it with my chicken vest! "They" are trying to make her demented. To find some black humour here - I think she is doing a pretty good job all by herself. Oh dear...

Hey, I have a deflective protective chicken vest. I can deal with anything!

Have a good day everyone, and do something good for you!

I am giggling at my vision of Joan in her "SuperChicken" suit!

Juddabuddhaboo - Your story bears repeating, so I will.

"A wise lady I know said to me after hearing my kvetching (complaints) offered two strong words of advice. "BE AMUSED".
keep the peace inside and be amused. Wow."

cm - bursting with pride???

Austin, juddabuddhaboo had the mot juste for this - "kvelling" is exactly what I am after your description. How does that tie in with looking after a frail 89 year old?!

the best advice with a bi-polor spouse realize their energy level is through the roof and not to try to work along with them detatching is the best thing to do-they will wind down after a while-take care of yourself first and do not expect concern for you-it is really all about them-like when I was in labor he went off to work with the first baby and MIL had to take me to the doc and the second time he had to stop at his mother's on the way home from work after me telling him to come straight home from work because I was in labor-as I said I was invisible.

Thanks, Veronica and Emjo both.

Emjo, I keep reminding myself that "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I'm quite good at withholding my consent!

Veronica, M. has functioned well (and worked really hard) most of her adult life - two boys + full-time career in dietetics. I believe the illness came on final year of university (classic timing, I hear) and has been intermittent since. There have been unexplained absences, odd phases; but it's not as if we were close, I never made anything of it. I don't want to be simplistic about it, and I don't want to upset her further or add to her stress; but when things are going badly she is physically - violent isn't the word, it's not aggressive behaviour towards other people - hyperactive, I suppose. She throws things, like furniture. Gets very demonstrative and uncontrolled. And she's extremely noisy at the best of times. I can't picture her walking my mother to the bathroom without breaking out in a cold sweat about it.

Anyway, worrying won't help. My daughter and her son are discussing options, that might. I'm not about to tell my brother that our mother is not to be left alone with his nutzoid wife or anything grotesque like that; but I can't pretend I'm ok with it. Brother is pretty laissez-faire/sceptical about psychiatry, and I suspect that's why things were able to get so out of hand last spring - he wouldn't intervene until he really didn't have a choice. That sounds as if I'm second-guessing him, which I accept wouldn't be fair - of course he knows his wife best, and is best able to judge her mood. But I know him, and the fact is that if there's the slightest hope of getting away with doing nothing, he'll do nothing.

And really, is this a good idea? Isn't having mother on their hands going to add further stress for them? And that's quite apart from the question of how much fun is this supposed to be for her? She does adore my brother, but what she'll get is a little bit of him, when he's not working, and a lot of SIL. I am feeling extremely uptight about it and it is hard (I do honestly do my level best) not to communicate that to her. If I could get my brother to pay attention to mother's care needs, if he'd offer any kind of reassurance that he is taking my concerns on board, it would really help. So far I might as well have been talking to the cat.

It was his sixtieth birthday today. Mother put her hearing aids in specially (well all right, no, I put them in for her), and I dialled the number, and then she spoke to him all by herself - she was as pleased as Punch. Don't know whether he got his card, which btw I had to walk through a bloody thunderstorm to post, he didn't say. Don't know whether the plan to buy him a camera as mother's gift went ahead, either; if it did, he didn't mention it. I was NOT eavesdropping! - but unless the phone mic is turned up high enough for the entire village to hear, then mother can't hear either; that's how I know. Humph. I know there are more important things in life than social graces but they do cheer a girl up, I find.

On a happier note, mother did the crossword today! I could have turned cartwheels. Ok, it was the concise one, and there were a few surprising gaps, and a couple of transposed letters, and two years ago she'd have been extremely rude about anyone who came up with an effort like that - but IT'S BRILLIANT. This is the first she's touched since last March, I'm so thrilled for her. I'm prescribing one a day, and we'll see how she gets on, but the main thing is the boost to her confidence.

veronica - right on "Illness is no excuse for bad behaviour" I agree. I know it is hard for those with mental illnesses, but if they will work with their doctors and therapist strides can be made. It is the denial/dishonesty that causes the problems as it leads to refusal to take responsibility for one's actions, blaming others and refusal to cooperate in any therapy - drug or otherwise. Do you still cater to him, walk on tiptoes? I know the relational difficulties well with my mother and am pretty straight with her now. I pick my battles, but to preserve myself, I also have to be honest. ((((((hugs)))) I am sure it has not been easy.

PS I think you Mum will be fine for a short visit with SIL. Any change of environment will be disturbing but at least she knows and loves your brother.