The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

CM my husband is bi-polar and has been for the 50 years we have been married. It is not easy but better when the meds are being taken AND effective. he says being medicated makes him functional but he misses being upbeat. I do have one rule which I am finally able to enforce and that is. "Illness is no excuse for bad behavior" I believe Jeannie Gibbs posted a while ago that if her husband had not been bi-polar she would have divorced him years ago.
I know a number of people who function normally in the workforce and others who make no attempt and behave abysmally towards their families. I spent many years tiptoeing around him and catering to his every need and had a huge job keeping the kids able to have any kind of relationship with him. He also has attachment disorder and Adult ADHD. One thing I do know is that he loves me as I do him. I don't know what to tell you about behaving around your SIL. Life is not very pleasant for her either. It was probably a relief for her to be hospitalized.
I love the idea about the chickens wearing reflective vests. Maybe they could issue them to the deer round here. then we wouldn't see the eyes in the headlights right before they jump through the windshield.

And yes I did realize that at least the house will be in better shape to sell,than have a mess on my hands to try to market! but ya I will have to sell and quickly if something does happen before I get my poo together! the market is picking up too, which Is good cause we lost at least 30% when the market crash right after buying.
Love and thanks to all!! XOXOX

Good Idea on the social worker! I did make a DR appt.
Thanks Jo XOXOXO!
Gonna spend the afternoon/eve in my recliner next to her and watch a movie or two!!! Make something yummy for dinner!

ju - vent away - that is what we are here for. I can see it would be disturbing. Please don't beat yourself up about the quality time. You have had so much to deal with and you are getting through it. What would have happened to your mum if you had not been there? The interruptions are called life.

Yes, you need to work on your own life and spend quality time with your mum. You seem less stressed that you were before, and you have done a HUGE thing with the house repairs. Keep praying about it and the doors will open I know you will miss your mum enormously. Again that is life and sometimes life is hard. I am glad you have a bff not too far away.. Will you be able to sell the place you are in now? At least it will be in better shape than it was Can you go access a social welfare program till you are able to make other plans? Maybe a visit to a social worker for yourself would be a good idea. I am sure you will figure it out. Big (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) and prayers

cm - a bit of a situation with your mum and bipolar sil. I am not sure there is much you can do to help them. Just look after you and your mum - surely that is enough. Avoiding the stay might be tricky, but what happens has to be in mum's best interests. It must feel very demeaning to be in the slave role re the money.
sandwich - I got that from mother in the first ALF she went to - the first month to food was great - then the complaints started, but she would still indulge in the goodies, then complain that they shouldn't be provided as they were not healthy - she called it senior abuse ;p
Glad- Brit chickens in reflective safety vests -about my level right now. Gives me a visual of me visiting mother in a de-flective safety vest, which bounces the negative comments back to her and keeps me safe. I may just have to imagine that!!! :) Thanks - and moose antlers on her lol Hope the furnace issue is fixed. Cannot IMAGINE my sis having the financial reins. All that fuss and expense for no reason whatsoever. Good you have the conservator anyway
book - you were wise to cover your butt re expenses.
judd - keep the peace inside and be amused - great advice!!! Love it!
surprise - how are you doing? ((((((hugs))))
Overcoming the junk takes work. But you do make progress. I find I have to take a breaks after a bad session - like when sis was around - to heal I guess. Then back into the fray. One key is to lower your expectations.
Two days without calls - a holiday!!! Got my nails done, did laundry, got groceries. G got home late from work last night and I made him latkes. He was a happy man.
Two calls this morning "When am I moving" I said that I didn't know as I was not moving her. So right away I was relegated into the ranks of those that are making her life dreadful - the abusers - got told how awful it, we, they, all were, I recalled the appointment we were going to and she got all paranoid and wasn't going so we said goodbye and hung up. The next call we talked more rationally for a while, she listened to who the appointment was with and was happy to go, she listed some complaints she and I can try to follow up on. We will even talk to the man in the ALF she wants to move into to get the right story about the food/diet. Anyway it was more reasonable. Then I got the poor me story that this was the worst time of her life and she had thought of throwing herself out the window to end it, but she knows it is not the right thing all spoken in a quavering voice. OK! See you Monday, mother! Bye! And my day goes on.
I tried the newest doc in town and he seems good, gave me a new dose of synthroid and a req for a bunch of tests to be done in 6 weeks’ time to see what is happening.
Talking cruises again. Looking like March now. Please decide so I can arrange my lab tests, my dental work, my haircuts etc.
Heading south tomorrow. G and I will see a couple of IMAX shows early in the week. Will get mother's computer more user friendly, visit with a few people with her, see the pharmacist and get the true low down on risperidone. Maybe I can do some shopping for her - gets me out and about. Then into the hot tub in the hotel in the evenings and eyebrow tat touch up just before returning.

I mean wish to finally spend quality time with her as much as possible AND work on me, my life and future, not dealing with DR n Home issues being so overwhelmed and stressed again, that I become counterproductive. Least I am better off, a bit, under it all, than I was before I can say! but feel like I am just hanging on by a thread, barely getting the basics done! IDK just need a vent I guess!

Joan-I needed to see it but it was disturbing..... I saw a stripped hospital bed, and felt a real and complete emptiness in my heart. As well as having to start packing and wondering where I will live and what to do with all our stuff! It bothered me also because I wish this time I have been engulfed by home issues, stressed me out again and I am not spending quality time with her as I wished too once I had such a breakthrough with her early summer. anyway I plan to spend some time with her today, I have been very busy all week...
Hope you also get some rest and feeling better today! XOXO

Good news Sharyn bout the carport.

Hope everyone is doing ok and having a nice weekend!
Peace,
Juju

Hi all - been mia - my thyroid is causing troubles and I have been cold, and tired and my arm/shoulder giving me a lot of trouble.

ju - the stress has to affect us. It can leave an under lying anxiety and more I am sure. I would disown my sis if I could but since mother is in contact with her she comes into my life, however, after this last bs about me having a vested interest in mothers demise. that amount of contact I have with her will be as limited as can make it, and once mother is gone, I will hire a professional to execute the will so sis cannot accuse me of being biased, and it will be sayonara sis. I have been handing this longer than most of you, and have gone for counselling off and on all my adult life - sometimes not for years sometimes, once a year, sometimes several sessions a year. I highly recommend it for anyone with a dysfunctional family. Absolutely it is not us it is them, and agree we need to feel good about what we are doing
Ju I am so glad you had a vision of life without your mum. You are here on earth for more than your mum. This is the season when your mum is your focus, but that will not always be. Seasons change and bring new challenges. A little forethought is a good thing. You can still look after mum and think about what lies ahead and even make some plans for yourself. I think you owe that to yourself. You are a very resourceful lady, I am sure you will figure something out. Prayers going your way, Re family - my sis is not supportive and never has been - quite the opposite. If you could get some support from your bro that is great. Is the bridge totally broken? I do much better with support from friends. Thanks for the kind words. After a while I decided that getting upset wasn't benefitting me - it was hurting me, Not that I don't get upset sometimes, but I try to limit it. Life goes on.

Sharyn - looks like the car port etc. issues are working out. I am so glad. It is another big transition. Hope ur your niece is doing as well as can be expected.

book that was funny -I already know I can't take maltitol

Margeaux - glad your bro is home. Your sis will always want to be too involved and I think you do well to stay separate. Hope you had a good visit with your girlfriend - just what we need sometimes.

iwentanon -yes good gift for some people!!!

glad - you have some very useful knowledge!!!

going to start a new post before I lose this one

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Humility might allow us to not have to be right. That's a relief, right? :)
Humility might allow us to correct our actions. To find the compassion for the person while you are still hot and mad. To not get as mad anymore. To say to yourself,
WHO is hurting? My soul is always untouched, always rooted in joy and love even though there are moments I can't feel that. Humility is having the goal of overcoming your own junk. It takes many lifetimes, I believe.

Hello all. Countrymouse: I enjoyed reading your post. My brother is married to someone with mental problems and both have acted the same way. My SIL, I'll call her Jan, through the years has put various relatives on her sh*t list. First it was my mom, then it was my father, then it was me. For 10 years Jan forbid my brother to talk to me. My dysfunctional mother, father, and sister played along with this as if I was a criminal. Finally I thought, this is insane and I am not playing. Now if the wife doesn't want to see someone she stays home, which pleases us all very much! My brother and Jan have a great bond and I am sure it is not a happy one all the time. We don't think much of my brother having no will of his own but hey, he likes his marriage.
I would definitely try to keep the lady away from your mom. That was funny how you wrote that paragraph: What could go wrong? Love it!!
A wise lady I know said to me after hearing my kvetching (complaints) offered two strong words of advice. "BE AMUSED".
keep the peace inside and be amused. Wow.
Juddabuddhaboo

Glad, I see nothing humorous in providing personal protective equipment for chickens. My own chickens don't require safety vests, having concerned neighbours who ensure that the traffic slows down for them if they should happen to wander from the garden; and as they have a heater in their house they don't need knitted bed jackets, either - but if your own hens do feel the cold, you should be able to find the pattern through the British Hen Welfare Trust's excellent website.

Somewhere in southern England they've built a bypass with a special tunnel underneath it for the local frogs to be able to cross safely. Have to get your priorities right, you know...

Oo. The 'extreme energy' rings a lot of bells. Oh boy. I can understand their not wanting to lose that - goodness, I'd love to have more energy all the time! - but how do you help them keep linked in with others' reality/normality? Any tips?

If bi-polor sufferers take their meds it balances them the problem is they do not like the way they feel on meds so they do not take their meds and act weird to the rest of us-my late husband was bi-polor he liked the extreme energy he had most of the time. This might help us understand their behavior.

Book, you are supposed to be sleeping.

CM, you are in England, correct? What is it about these British chickens wearing reflective safety vests? Just saw a clip on the morning news here of chickens crossing the road with safety vests on. What a riot, just a sample of that dry Brig humor. Google reflective safety vests for chickens on YouTube. But maybe I am a bit warped and tired this morning, or just need something to laugh at.

While I'm at it. Spent an hour not getting to sleep last night thinking about moron-face SIL and that I'm a) misrepresenting her and b) not helping anyone. Moron-face SIL is actually bipolar SIL. In my defence, I didn't know this until last year because brother maintained total radio silence on the issue for over thirty years, and prevented SIL from letting any of us know (turns out my late father witnessed an episode, asked, but was told not to ask; mother wouldn't want to know; sister had heard vague hints but nothing worth reporting… we don't have a very good family grapevine). So we didn't know. It explains a lot. It's also ruined relationships because there's a big difference between how you treat someone who's mentally ill and how you react to someone who's just naturally horrible - loud, obtuse, exhausting, overbearing, inexorable. In short, SIL has suffered for decades from a huge deficit in the compassion she was entitled to; and I feel bad about that. Very bad. I am not habitually unkind to mentally ill people.

Last March SIL had major psychotic episode, had to be admitted to a psych unit for two or three weeks, was then allowed to go home under brother's care/supervision. She also has many friends and colleagues in community health professions - dietetics, nursing, PT etc. - in and around the area. The thing is, she's much better but she's a) medicated, which makes her very hard to communicate with and b) still pretty unstable.

I would like to be more supportive. My brother won't talk about it. Last spring, when SIL blurted out what her diagnosis was, I told her I wanted him back on the phone and told him that keeping this secret was the stupidest decision he'd ever made and he was never to do anything so idiotic again. How can we support them, and be accepting of her, if we don't know what they're dealing with? He agreed - sheepishly, but he did agree. Since then, all he ever says is "she's fine." Not what I hear from other close sources, such as Lovely Nephew 2 who is desperately worried about his parents.

But anyway, I would like to be more supportive. I do, in spite of finding her a pain in the neck, care about her - she's been family for thirty three years, she's my brother's wife, she's Lovely Nephews' mother, and she's ILL. Does anyone know much about bipolar? Good approaches for communication? Stopping her interfering without making her feeling rejected or bruising her fragile self-esteem?

Horrible moment at Thursday's funeral. I needed to fetch the car and said to mother: "Can I just leave you with M. for a moment while I - ?" And mother squealed "NO!" not realising that M. was standing right behind her. Before, when we didn't know about the bipolar, we'd have brushed this off as a kind of in-joke - mother's always found SIL hard going. But now we do know how SIL is going to perceive it, it's just not funny. That's the sort of needless unkindness I'd like to avoid. I also need to get A LOT better at telling SIL to back off/butt out without making her feel worthless, unappreciated, despised… I hate to think what she feels.

On the other hand, I really do need to keep her away from my mother. The cruel reality of where SIL is at the moment is that she's very fragile, wants to help my mother see more of my brother, thinks that she'll do an A1 job of rehabilitative caring… So I'm supposed to say "great idea! 89 year old frail, mentally frail, emotionally frail mother to have close daily contact with bipolar DIL currently having treatment for psychosis - what could possibly go wrong?"

Against orders, last year I did tell my mother that SIL was ill, what sort of ill, and what help she was getting for it. I was correct in thinking that mother would understand and sympathise, and more to the point understand why her favourite son hadn't had much time to spare; no problem there. But now mother's dementia is progressing I don't suppose she can make the necessary allowances for SIL's behaviour, and if mother witnesses any further episodes it could really freak her out, no?

Just awful combination. Where do I get more info and advice? How can I help? Brother still not speaking to me - we exchanged civil but cursory sentences at funeral on Thursday as absolutely necessary, no direct conversation at all. I've got about four weeks' grace before the subject of mother's staying with/near them is due to be raised again.

Book, I keep telling myself that humility is good for the soul. Especially if you can manage it without going round to your siblings' houses and biting them (so far so good!).

CM, that's worse - to be at Their Mercy....

Glad and Book, what I find most depressing of all is being faced with what my siblings think of me. I keep telling myself that if I didn't care it wouldn't matter, so all I have to do is not care what they think; but the fact is I do care, otherwise I wouldn't give a damn, and I think it's the groundless accusations and the unfairness that puts my back up most. That and the persistent irritation I feel with my mother and her lawyer (also family) who set up this idiotic pain-in-the-ass arrangement in the first place.

Sister is off to Burma for three weeks. She's going to send me a cheque (as long as I get an itemised account and projected spending to her by Monday) to cover foreseeables until she gets back; and leave further cheques with my brother (who isn't speaking to me) in case of unforeseeables. In her email she says: "I hope life progresses smoothly in my absence."

Well, now. I try not to think how much more smoothly life would progress in the permanent absence of both of them, because it would make my mother sad and puts me on dodgy moral ground. But oh boy...

Yes, Gladim, it's so stupid and so unnecessary. They projected onto you what They Would have been doing if they were in your shoes. That's why they truly could not believe that you did Not touch any of your mom's money. Because they would have - using all kinds of reasons why they should.

It was like when my dad was in the hospital. My oldest bro-of-next-door (whom him and his wife make much more than me and renting out their home and also the upper duplex apartment) told me to let's have dinner and use dad's money to pay for it. I said that that's not what his money is for. It's for his expenses. My bro said that he's in the hospital and we've been watching him by shifts. Therefore he should pay for our meals. Even his wife agreed. So we went to eat at a real restaurant (not MacD or Burger King). I Knew that it was wrong to use dad's money for this. So, I used my credit card to pay for our dinner. After that, when bro would invite me to go and eat with them, I said No. I was not going to abuse father's money nor was I going to keep paying for all of our meals out of my own measly income.

So, I think your sisters truly believed you were abusing your mom's money because they would have done it if they were in your place. And like my brother, they would have found all kinds of reason Why father should pay for this or that.

And now that you need the money for repairs, you're in a bind until you get approval. By the way, if your siblings are like this while your mom is alive, it will be even worse when she passes. Like scavengers. I didn't believe my siblings would have done what they did when my mom died last year. I have never been so disillusioned. My relationship with them has changed since then. Their true self showed.

Heck of a week! Furnace went out, safety switch went, they could repair the switch but until they did that they wouldn't be able to find our what caused the furnace to overheat in the first place. But definitely more repair. And on an 18 year old furnace, I think not. So trying to get new furnace in with conservator that is still trying to work with sister, took awhile. Had to buy space heaters to keep things warm. Thank goodness it didn't happen during our last cold snap! Things are all warm now.

Met with conservator today with bank statements and 98% of receipts from the last year. Sisters will finally find out that I have been completely above board and honest! tit is wonderful to be to this point after two years of crap now finally a third party will look at everything and maybe sisters will believe what they are told. But they had been told by me, then mom's hubby through her sister (because my sister wouldn't have the discussion), then still nonbelievers called APS to have me investigated for financial exploitation, APS told them there is nothing to investigate. That still wasn't good enough, then I realized, finally perhaps, I needed an attorney. So off to court we went, but mediated an agreement. The thing that is most hurtful is how sisters could question my integrity, especially when I was being so careful! Now all the money for attorneys is absolutely unbelieveable its so frustrating. All sisters were concerned about was how much would be left for them on mom's passing! I hate to think of how much sister has spent with the hope that I was taking money! So completely unnecessary!

Is it the moon phase? My mom has been a real handful this week. Crabby to beat the band. Rebellious. Panicky over super insignificant things. Confused.

The first month she lived at the complex, the food was great! Yum Yum! Now, every single thing is "hog slop crap". Crap food that tastes like crap and it's all crap. And in the next breath she'll say "Supper was so good!" Ok mom.

I'm waiting on the complex head nurse to setup a meeting where we need to decide if mom needs to move to the 24/7 unit or just add on services. She refuses to take her insulin. I can't figure out if it's "won't" or "can't". Doesn't matter - Rx non compliance will not be ignored. Not taking insulin is dangerous, especially when your liver & kidneys are on their way out. Sheesh.

She's also very irritable about every single other person within a cane's reach.

Sharynmarie,

Well I'm glad that the realtor's measurements figure in this extra room.

I spoke to my brother today, he's home finally. He sounds good, but admitted this was quite an ordeal. I did remind him to be careful, too. I'm just trying to not get on a soap box about it either. Yes, hopefully now my sister will just back off.
People have to just let things gel, too. Some people have a tremendously hard time not becoming a Hovercraft! HAAH!

O.K., good luck w/the realtor and the sale.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

It turns out the measurements the agent took are very close to what county records are reporting, that means they did get a permit. The agent said not to worry about the carport either.

Glad~Thank you, I will look into that with city. We meet later this morning again with the real estate agents.

Sharyn-
As a former land planner, hope to get back to it one day, check to see if the City has a variance procedure to waive the requirement for two covered parking spaces. That is where I would start.

The only way I believe you can make your conversation private, but what would be the point, is to give your thoughts, as a hug...

Book-we do have the option to reconvert it back to a garage but that will cost thousands of $$ plus we would have to buy a permit for that too. A carport with a canvas top costs around $350 plus the $720 for the permit. This will come out of mom's account...it is her mistake. The carport will ruin the curb appeal...but that is the loss my parents now have to deal with.

Sharyn, other than CNN and HLN, is the HGTV home channel. They were remodeling this home, and found that the homeowner made the loft into a bedroom. They checked the city’s permit and found that it was done illegally. So, they had to knock out walls to open it back up as a loft. I think the same applied to the garage – made into an extra room for guests. =) So, it seems a lot of do-it-yourself-homeowners did shortcuts. My sis did that in their home. She said that when it comes to selling their home, they would have to knock it down because they didn’t apply for a permit change the garage to an extra bedroom. Anyway, in the HGTV, another remodeling home, the owner added a trellis to the front. No permit. To knock it down would have cost thousands of dollars! They, uhm, used concrete for the columns…. I wonder how much you all will end up spending for this “shortcut.”

Glad – Avoid anything that is Sugar-Free is NOT good to eat too much. I believe diabetics learned this the hard way, by trial –and – error. They’ve had to learn how much their body can handle it. I would have innocently bought those sugar-free candies for diabetic and not know Not to eat so many! Whew! Now we know.

I do not like what they have done to this website. There had been an area where you could see what the current topics for discussion were. It is gone. I read those nightly, and sometimes able to chat almost real time. Now the scroll is not even working correctly for me.

Book, I will never get those gummy bears! What a through and through review!:-O

In answer to my post above, AC sent me an email...they were not aware of the glitch, so they are working on it. We will get to be as familiar with the new format in time. Thank you AC!

Margeaux~I hope your brother got home today. Introducing solid foods too soon (from my own experience after my first c-section), causes much distress from trapped gas. It is very painful, hopefully he will take it slow. Once he is home, maybe your sister will back off a little.

I did some research yesterday regarding the permits on the additional sq.ft. on my parents house. The city said if they had permits the sq.ft. would have been recorded with the county. We will have to pay for the permit..$720 to correct the problem, plus we have to provide 2 covered parking spaces which means we will have to buy a carport. This will look so unattractive right in front of the house. I am hoping we can get around it somehow.

Take care everyone!!