notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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People are actually buying that to lose weight. I don't think it's worth it if you end up damaging your insides.
Father is fine. He's been up and talking while I tried to sleep until the alarm goes off. Well, time to get up.
Wow what a wonderful gift for the dysfunctional children of my 87 year old, sure beats coal for Christmas... just kidding
As we can see.....definitely it's not all of us who can jump in there and do what we do, and then put up with lots of difficult people in our families. I've in some way have done this with respect to how much time I give towards caregiving and mother. If I get more involved, then I have to not only deal with mom's ALZ situation, but then I'd have to deal w/my very difficult sister, then she has the difficult daughter who lives there too. I'm not willing to do that, and since I wasn't elected by mom since a long time before any of this happened, places me in a very iffy situation that doesn't benefit me whatsoever. Some of this decision on my part is totally self preservation.
I realize too, that in a case such as yours, electing to disown them does cut off some kind of support systems. But the other side at least in dysfunctional families many of us who still maintain contact w/siblings, we are all dogpaddling to stay afloat. This is what I hear a friend who had super bad dysfunction in her family.
Poor thing, she was a servant to them, and got beat up on top of it. Her mom's narcissism runs super deep to this day, so she's opted to divorce herself from it.
On the one hand kind of out of sight out of mind. But she suffers a lot from the shall I call it the illusion of the support she's missing out on, at times. As a result of it,
she's had terrible high blood pressure, and her menopause is giving her a hard time. Actually, she's coming over here today for a much needed sleep over, gf hangout time much needed by both of us. Can't wait. When we get together we sure do talk, and laugh. I'm really up for that at the moment. It was full moon last night, and I was feeling it. AAAAououououou, said the big good/bad wolf!
Hugs,
Hang in there!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Thank you. What you said about my sister in her old age.....one day my cousin and I were talking about that. Actually, it's kind of scary if you ask me.
The Gummie Bears article was too funny! It sounds like it gets the job done, then some! HAAH!
How is your dad doing these days?
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
You know, I think about the times when I was younger.....and I was on the verge of doing something that wasn't right! I was aware of it, and sometimes I went ahead and did something immature, wrong, but I knew that was my choice.
You need to give yourself way more credit that your are doing right now.
Certainly, if your're saying that you rescued your mom out of the squalor,
and you got your son into counseling......he may not look at the bigger picture about any of that, but you could focus some energy there, it would be good for you.
Besides, be careful.....this is the moment when I often think some well meaning parents give their power away, to a self absorbed son, or daughter.
You can't be less than a parent, and daughter who cares!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Margeaux, prayers, glad brother is doing better! the rest oy!
Book, too funny...its like the pass the milk carton....here taste this tell me if it is bad, hahaha....
Hello to everyone! have a good day!
Peace,
Juju
So late yesterday, she was telling me it looks like the fever broke, and that my brother sounded way better, than he had been a day ago. He is on a liquid diet right now, and it's now day five today, so I can't imagine aside from the gallbladder surgery, then this infection he's been having......how this affects his stamina.
Anyway, I was glad to hear the fever is subsiding, he'll probably be released today. So my sister and me got to talking about how he's going to have to be super careful about food. I was talking from the aspect, he's been on a liquid diet the last few days. I'm aware that after a fast, people have to introduce food very carefully, then on top of the kind of surgery he had, that's paramount.
So as I'm saying this to my sister, she got rather defensive w/me, saying something like, "Oh, I'm sure he's going to do that." In other words, as if he's learned his lesson, blah di blah! I almost continued to try and express, the breaking the fast aspect, but immediately gave it up. I was irked by her attitude,
she love's to act as if she knows everything, and has all the answers.
This is "golden boy," having all these health problems.
Some of you here have been talking about son's, well he's the eldest (son),
my sister and me are older than he. But in our family, since he was the son
he got all the strokes, promise for the future, favored by both parents, and even a narcissistic aunt, (mom's sis-who had no kids). My parents idolized my brother, while we were growing up. I who was the eldest, and had the babysitting responsibility big time (both parents worked f.t.), at some point thought, I do lot's of work, yet my brother gets tons of credit, for what? Because he's male?
He also has always been hyperactive, never ever has had good focus about anything in his life. I'm very sure he probably has undiagnosed ADHD.
Anyway, I hope for nothing but the best for him. It's interesting, too because he's the one who used to be in charge with POA re: mother and our aunt, and their assets, etc. Later it was revoked, because our aunt got into a fight with him, basically for being negligent about the responsibilities as POA. Then of course,
this is when narcissistic aunt started to do her flip flopping decisions and her favorite activity which was to fight.
He did damage too in the sense to his own reputation as a trustworthy POA, in our eyes the other three siblings. We even went for about a 3 and half year period not communicating much w/him. We the siblings, never told him he wasn't welcome or anything like that, but he'd been taking advantage, and being such a bully about things for a long time, this part we didn't like.
So It's interesting once things became real hairy, because he and his wife had such a poor marriage. He started to have his Prostate issues. His wife wasn't even talking to him anymore, even though they lived together. Much less was she there for him, now that he needed her. Does anyone think, that my brother has ever told us he was sorry about his questionable behavior while he was still POA? Never!
Yet, my sister and I have managed to try to overlook some of this.
But I don't know how to coin this kind of behavior by my brother, would this be cavalier? I must say, that I think about this at times, as I see who's showing up at that hospital to support him in his time of need.
I think this is why I became annoyed at my sister for her comment/insinuation about his diet! You all ought to see her, it's as if my sister is his mommy. I'm kind of disgusted with this part of it right now. I saw it coming, too.
Margeaux
I just read an email from a friend. I read it and laughed so hard, my stomach was hurting and tears streaming down my eyes. I could NOT finish the rest of the Amazon reviewers' comments because the laughter was now turning to pain.
If you Google Amazon. Then on their Search, "haribo sugar free gummi bears 5-pound bag" . Very Important - click on the item with the Whole bag showing all over the packaging "haribo, haribo, haribo".
Read the very first review dated Oct 3, 2012, statement "Just Don't. Unless it's a gift for someone you hate"
This was the first one I read and I laughed the hardest:
By C. Torok on October 3, 2012
Amazon Verified Purchase
Oh man...words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The Gummi Bear "Cleanse". If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
First of all, for taste I would rate these a 5. So good. Soft, true-to-taste fruit flavors like the sugar variety...I was a happy camper.
BUT (or should I say BUTT), not long after eating about 20 of these all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I've ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare. I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell...the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn't stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
AND IT WENT ON FOR HOURS.
I felt violated when it was over, which I think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day. There was stuff coming out of me that I ate at my wedding in 2005.
I had FIVE POUNDS of these innocent-looking delicious-tasting HELLBEARS so I told a friend about what happened to me, thinking it HAD to be some type of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute, and in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands.
Silly woman. All of the same for her, and a phone call from her while on the toilet (because you kinda end up living in the bathroom for a spell) telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying.
Her sister was skeptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a 5 pound bag left. She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all of those poor men (and women) pooped that day. I keep envisioning men on roofs, crossing their legs and trying to decide if they can make it down the ladder, or if they should just jump.
If you order these, best of luck to you. And please, don't post a video review during the aftershocks.
maybe some mind bending drama is par for the course....is the positives outweigh the negatives..idk... I tend to think not but at those isolated lonely moments were i am at my wits end, i wish i had someone to call on to help even if it meant a fight. I did learn in the latter days with Brother, if i kept my visits to his home i could just get up and walk out when he would go into a tangent...so only issues were when i had him at my place.
Sorry not to go on but there are some serious con's to making the decision to not be a part of the madness....
K later lovely people!
Peace
Juju
I'll call it the Dysf. in the CG life, cocktail: It comprises of adhd depression burnout and ptsd with a splash of menopause for us extra lucky ones!
Seriously though i don't know how you all do it without losing your mind and doing what i did....disown them all...but i guess not everyone is in a position to do that....i surely would be in the looney bin....I know i am just now able to acknowledge/accept/confront all the pain and damage from all the past drama. I kinda just dealt with it in the physical and moved away, denying/burying it all. all it did there is fester into an unhealthy mindset. anyway better days ahead for us all!!!
You Joan (and everyone) deserve a special thanks for going up n above for someone who does not welcome or appreciate it, all i can say is i had to always reason it is not me it is them it is not personal they have no clue how disruptive they are being...cant say i was good at it tho!!!
Please all of you dealing with the drama on a daily basis....pat yourself on the back and hold your head high, you are doing good!!!
Things here progressing a bit everyday. some setbacks and some good news...
Had an awful vision, so realistic the other night was very disturbing, of my life after MOMMA....very very disturbing...a wake up call i needed i hope!
We will do the best we can and pray, that is all i can do, day by day, hour by hour sometimes, but i have to try!
Well hello to everyone out there! May you be blessed today with a moment of joy in your day whenever possible and take care, stay warm safe and hopeful!
XOXOX to all!
Peace Juju
Any parent reading about your boy who is NOT thinking "there but for the grace of God…" deserves everything he or she will one day surely get.
You didn't choose his horrible girlfriend. If he'd consulted you, I assume you would have advised him not to propose after only one month; but he didn't. I further assume that the former best friend only told you about this (very brief, by the way) phase because she thought it made a good story with, thank God, a happy ending.
You've shown your son that imperfect people, when faced with a difficult decision, are capable of thinking things through and taking constructive action. You've told him the truth about your memories: in my experience, it's secrets and lies that cause real, lasting damage and destroy trust. You've advised him appropriately to seek help when necessary. You may have passed on some disagreeable genes (as well as positive ones) - did you ask to be given them yourself?
Jumping to different churches… well. Can I assume you've never claimed to your son that any one of them definitely had all the answers? Hilaire Belloc wrote a particularly lovely line addressed to children in his foreword to "Cautionary Tales": "… your little hands were made to take the better things, and leave the worse ones…" Speaking only for myself, I'll take wisdom and blessings from any church or any religion that offers them; and I don't believe that any has a monopoly. And not burning people for apostasy nowadays is one of the things that Western civilisation has got right.
Of course you feel sad - one's children's pain is always awful, that's how you know you're a normal parent.
Embarrassed? Why? In front of whom? It wasn't you who hitched up with a crazed jealous princess! I know embarrassment is an emotion it's hard to ignore, though: in times like this I bring to mind the late, very wonderful Peg Bracken's marvellous consolation for when you are feeling like a jackass: "… and at the VERY least, you've served as a bad example." This thought comforts me when nothing else does!
Are you sad because your son is angry with your mother? He's very young to have got the hang of forgiving, of hating the sin and not the sinner, of doing the right thing IN SPITE of the person you're doing it for and not because of it. He'll learn.
Internet porn is vile. I've seen images I don't want in my head, sent in technicolor straight to my email address, and I wasn't even curious thank you very much. So if I don't want it and don't go looking and still can't avoid it, I have no idea how young men can be protected from it. Its enormities and its ubiquity are a huge social ill, I agree. But stolen innocence? I don't remember young men being all that innocent even before the internet; or parents being much less horrified at what they sometimes found out about (and often didn't). I share your sorrow about the sheer volume of sewage that pours down on them and through every modern household; but don't even begin to think it's your fault.
And defeated, yes, I know that one… I hesitate. But. I spent my daughter's 15th birthday by her hospital bed with my heart in my mouth hoping she wouldn't need a liver transplant. I didn't even have the excuse that I hadn't known she was depressed; I just hadn't been able to get anyone to listen and intervene effectively. And she'd conspired with a schoolfriend to take simultaneous overdoses - calling the friend's mother to suggest she take her daughter to the nearest ER wasn't an experience I ever wish to repeat. Did I blame myself? Of course I did. Should I have? Other people will tell me no, I will always say yes. Perhaps that's what being a parent means.
Look, I think what we've both tried to do is break a cycle. You could just have told your son nothing and let him find his own way; I could have continued our family tradition of blithe denial; instead we've tried to equip our children to face their demons and win. It's unreasonable to think they'll manage it without a struggle; but at least we haven't left them ignorant and defenceless.
Be comforted. Nowhere to go but on...
I sometimes wonder if my brain is being damaged by having to deal with all the crazies. I read on your profile that you have an ADHD son. In itself that is very challenging. One of my sons in particular was a bit hyperactive, both older sons have learning disabilities, though they are quite bright. The area was in written expression not in math or reading, fortunately and the younger one is an auditory learner not visual.The school years were a lot of extra work for me and them. Every year trying to explain this to their teachers was a challenge. If it helps you to know, they are both adults, have good jobs and are in good relationships. On top of looking after, and I am sure advocating for your son, you have an mil with late stage PD who is a lot of work too. You have a very full plate. I had a son at 41 too. You just don't have quite the energy you had.
Feel free to come back and share more about your days. I know sometimes we wonder how we will get through them.
Just had another call from mother which I didn't answer - very reasonable, giving me the number of her case worker, which I have had for months, told me about this morning's visit to her doctor and her need to eat more carefully due to stomach problems. Wish there was a way to know which phone calls were going to be the crazy ones and which were going to be the sane ones.
Take care, all and do something good for you today
Ready to tear the phone out of the wall and throw it outside. Mother going on about needing to be moved from this terrible place, that I sit up here in judgement and don't understand her - all the stuff my sis loves to hear and throw back at me - then that I should talk to the home care lady in the ALF - she understands mother better than I do. I said I will talk to her. I told mother we had an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday to help sort things out but mother said that is not soon enough and she needed to get out of there sooner. I told her that her fears will follow her where ever she goes. Her answer was that they will not be as bad. Oh yeah??? I told her I wasn't stopping her from moving. and she had no answer to that one then said the church is moving her on Monday. I said great! Talk to you later.
The phone rang again but I didn't answer. Then the telemarketers start!!! That is when I wanted to rip the phone out.
It is warm here - above freezing but we have winds gusting to over 100 km/hr. so if I go out it will not be far as the roads will be icy with the melting. A couple of times it sounded like the house was going to be blown down. Can't win with the weather. Sinus pain acting up - the wind will do that even if I don't go out - probably the barometric pressure changes.
Going to have a good day anyway!!!
It definitely was not your son's choice as to whether you helped your mum or not. His anger is his problem to deal with and I don't think you should feel any guilt about it. We have all made mistakes in bringing up our kids. I know I did. No one has perfect parents. He obviously has some problems he needs help with - that girlfriend - oh my goodness...
I so sympathize with your feelings of sadness, embarrassment and defeat, BUT, and keep repeating this to yourself. It is NOT your fault – not the genetics over which we have no control, not your changing churches, not …
As well as whatever negative influence you can think up, surely you can think up some positive ones in the way you brought him up. My kids grew up in essentially the same environment. Two of them are recovering addicts. One of those still does not cope well with life. The third one has avoided those pitfalls and is a very level headed nice guy. Go figure.
Can you make it better? I don't think so. I think you are grieving for your son and I understand that. Look after yourself. Feel the pain, but don't beat yourself up. ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))) and come back and vent about it any time.
Margeaux~Yes, I was happy that sis was actually listening to the estate liquidators about how we would do better having an estate sale than selling it all to one picker. 8 months ago, she didn't want to pay for someone to do it, but now she is and it really will be worth it because they will do all the work, and when the sale is over, what is left will be donated, so absolutely nothing will be left for us to deal with, how sweet is that!! We are not allowed to be there on the first day of the sale because...we may run into people we know, start gabbing and then they don't buy or also because some people may get mad when they see how things are priced or decide to argue with a customer not wanting to sell that piece after all, LOL!!
It turns out the real estate agent is from Alberta. I didn't notice his accent when he came in the store, but sure did notice when came to mom's house. We bantered back and forth about how we Americans don't pronounce vowels correctly,LOL!!
It was great being around my sister with her sense of humor back to (I hope) normal. She still is having problems with either remembering or not fully understanding at times. The estate liquidators said once sis signs the contract, we can't remove anything from the house without paying a commission on it. As we left the house, I reminded her the liquidators would be calling her to sign the contract...her response was, they will? Can't you sign it! I don't know if she just didn't hear them say this or if she just didn't fully understand.
Margeaux, you sound more relaxed today, I am happy you feel better about the situation with your brother.
Take care of yourselves, have a good day!!
How wonderful that you have found both the estate sale people and this realtor.
I'm also very happy to hear that your sister likes them. Yes, this is picking up the pace for you. Hopefully, once everything is taken care of too, just think you won't have that to deal with anymore, either.
Oh, shopping for baby clothes. I've done this. I would like to go downtown to our garment district, hopefully when I have a bit extra $$. They've so many great things, for a real bargain.
I hope your sister starts feeling better.
You're in my thoughts,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Thank you for your suggestions.
I've done some real thinking about this situation.
Truth be told......he has his family. There's tons of dysfunction already in place, by all the players in the drama, my brother, his wife (he's really not divorced from her) she just lives in another house, then his grown kids. Since my control freak, micro-manager sister steps in all the time......that household already got the message. She did tell me that his sons have been doing shifts, being at the hospital. So I'm just going to let it be.
My sister even made me aware as to how controlling she becomes.
She explained the other day at the hospital.......that my brother had driven himself in great pain to the hospital last week on account of the kidney stone.
He started to get this gallstone attack 2 days later. Again, apparently he waited a whole day and a half, before the pain became unbearable. The story goes, that it was his kids who insisted he return to the hospital. There's definitely some real stubborness on my brother's part.
So as my sister recants all of this....she says she told his boys, that the next time if this were to happen, for them to call 911, or to call HER and she would call 911. I'm definitely getting the picture w/my sister that she gets some kind of high from being the one in charge. I responded to this, that the more available we are to all of this, is never going to place his kids in the seat of doing this on their own, w/o being told by another adult, too.
Anyway, again.....thank you for your input, it all helps.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
DS2 who I thought we'd done a pretty doggone good job raising, without the drama of a narcissistic mother, without the abuse and neglect that I experienced, became very angry when we rescued mthr from her squalor, treated her cancer, and put her in memory care. DS2 knows the anguish I've been through, and felt strongly that mthr did not deserve to be rescued, but it was not his choice. This was his senior year that it all happened.
His anger has always been a problem, but it was not until that year that it was really apparent in daily life. I've always told my kids that they would need therapy when they moved out (if not before) because we are not perfect parents, we make mistakes, and we don't want them to suffer with guilt like we did.
He secretly started dating a horrible girl in June, and was engaged by July with wedding plans for Christmas. We found out in Sept, when ds's former best friend told us the girlfriend had threatened to kill her if she called son again. PTL, gf dropped him in Nov. We told him now was the time to seek therapy.
He's now in the second week of treatment at a center, and I'm feeling like something I did, like rescuing mthr, or allowing him to know that I was abused/neglected during childhood, or my resulting lack of trust and jumping to different churches every few years, or my genetics from my crazy narcissistic hoarder mthr, is the reason for all his issues. I'm sad, I'm embarrassed, and I am so defeated feeling, realizing that internet porn has stolen another innocence and shown my son the pits of hell. What can I do to make it better?
Sharyn I am so glad that the estate/ real estate meetings went well and glad your sis is appearing better. There are other antid's if needed. Not all suit all. Shopping for clothes for the grandbabies is wonderful. I miss it. Mine are too old for that now Enjoy!!!!
((((((((sad))))))) Oh my goodness - everyone's nightmare. Some good suggestions from others. I can't think of anything to add, but sending prayers your way. . Glad you talked with her - hopefully it did some good. But the time may be coming when she needs a different level/type if care. Look after you in all of this.
overwhelm - yes mention it to her doctor and he/she will decide if your mum needs more meds. Hope the appointment goes well - let us know.
Very quiet here the last couple of days thankfully. Mother's psychiatrist called and wants to see me, next week when I am down, preferably with mother, but if she doesn't want to go, the psych doc and I can strategize anyway. One consideration is different antipsychotic that mother might not fear as much. I plan on taking time for myself and hopefully G can take some time too. Distraction from the stressors is an important coping strategy. This afternoon I emailed a response to a newspaper article that interested me and the guy who wrote it answered and we had an interesting exchange. Better than sitting and stewing about the latest dysfun fam thing!!!
Take care all and do something good for you (((((((((((hugs))))))))