The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

surprise - thanks for replying... at some point, I hope that assisted living, and the environment you describe, can be a part of the solution... but as she is seemingly unable to make friends currently, either around her condo or even at her church, it is hard to see how she would magically make friends in any living situation...

BoodaGazelle, There are a lot of sour old ladies in assisted living where they can be sour together. My mthr is the most unlovable person on earth, but she has made good friends with the second most unlovable person at her memory care home.

It's likely that gma's complaints about people not talking to her are true because she's a complainer! They have set boundaries with her so that they can survive. If you lived closer, you would likely set the same boundaries. What happens in the future? She moves into a home where people who serve her can detach and be loving because she is NOT their relative. And she will be nicer to them BECAUSE they are not family.

Wow, this is a timely topic. I just got off a 1 hour rant from my 83 yr old mom... she is desperately unhappy because she feels unloved (mostly true). Family very dysfunctional... father very difficult, parents divorced after about 30 years. Father died about 8 yrs ago, now it is just mom and two siblings in town... I live about 1000 miles away. Mom is very controlling and judgemental...despite being active and vocal churchgoer, has no friends and thinks even the pastor(s) are not good enough... basically, I think she is depressed that we don't have what she considers a loving family (well, we don't) and she is desperately unhappy. Even when the other siblings do stuff for her, it is never enough, or they don't seem happy to be there, or they don't invite her to the grandkids games, or they don't talk to her at family gatherings, etc. It never ends. I literally don't know what to tell her. I am not even sure that this has *anything* to do with aging.. it may just be her personality!
Of course it is harder being so far away... If I were there, I would make more of an effort to include her and visit at least once a week.. not sure that does happen or not as it is. I think she is extremely jealous and angry that the two daughters-in-law have loving families and get together often, etc. But I can see that she is getting more and more, well, just *angry*. I have tried to cautiously bring up ideas, such as that she needs to cultivate other friends and relationships, but that never happens, probably due to her issues.

She is basically still able to care for herself, and lives alone, and still drives, but I do not know what to do in this situation. My biggest fear is that she will cause things to get to such a break that the other two siblings will not have anything to do with her, and then what happens?

Thanks for listening!

CM you are a good storyteller you made the whole thing seem alive-even though it was no walk in the park for you.

Oh-oh! - or, brilliant! Can't decide. Call from my daughter this morning: she got on the phone yesterday to my nephew, son of older brother and moron-face SIL, and the two of them are now in cahoots to sort out their obstinate parents…

If anyone spots any newcomers on the forum saying things like "my mother and uncle/my father and auntie are a pair of idiots - how can we knock their stupid fat heads together?" could they please alert me...

I had a customer tonight who is a real estate agent with Prudential here in town. My sister said she wanted a to check out agents here in town and I suggested Prudential....He gave me his info so on Tuesday when sis I meet with the woman who is going to give us an estimate on the contents of mom's house, I will see if sis wants to contact with man. Trying to move forward even though it will be hard to let go of mom's house because of emotional attachments to our childhood...but it has to be done so we can get the best price for mom. Bring up a lot of memories and pain because I don't want to go forward even though I know we have to.

Margeaux~sending up positive thoughts and prayers your way. Kidney stones are very painful to say the least. Keep us posted...Hugs and love to you!!
Sharyn

Country mouse -
My very small New Years Eve party went sort of like that, mostly because all of the guests are nice and friendly and interesting and interested. How relieved I felt! It sounds like you handled it all well.

Overwhelm, she will go bananas. But you won't hear her because you will be away having a lovely time. Win win! Or, to put it another way: "nur nur ni nur nur…"

Or, to put it Jinx's much more adult and helpful way, don't worry, and be reassuring. Nothing awful will happen to her. She will be fine. You will be fine. It is really important to go ahead with this trip.

Buoyant because have discovered the secret of a happy family lunch: oversleep catastrophically because for the first time in MONTHS your mother does not wake up around six and therefore neither do you. Wake at ELEVEN????!!! and realise that on this planet you cannot stuff, truss, baste and roast a four pound chicken in two hours, not from a standing start anyway, and all is lost and there is no hope and therefore no point in worrying further. Rush tea and meds to mother ignoring unwelcome intrusive thought "oh God she hasn't died has she..?" Find mother bright as button and well-rested, first words "we haven't got anything on today, have we?" Text sister not to hurry. Field garbled voicemail from nephew at airport about to fly to Shanghai asking for telephone number of cousin's ex-wife??? Text number to brother's phone as requested. Re-listen to voicemail and glean something to do with documents and lawyers - penny drops: cousin's ex-wife is lawyer. Text them cousin's ex-wife's work number. Realise nephew referred to wrong surname, and was corrected by (moron-face) SIL in background, only with another incorrect surname. Text correct surname. Consider sending fourth text "that's all right, don't mention it" but decide childish to mind receiving no thanks or acknowledgment, and anyway irony not moron-face SIL's strong suit. Sure they're far too busy for anything like basic good manners. Partner returns from junior Rugby coaching early and starts making sandwiches. Remind him am cooking Sunday lunch. Partner removes sandwich equipment from counter to kitchen table, helpfully, and continues making sandwiches. Remind him am cooking Sunday lunch for him too. Sister arrives with dog (fox terrier), plus chocolates and nice white Burgundy. Our dog (Staffie) politely shares toys with guest dog. Guest dog decides resident cat too old and grumpy to be fun. Despatch sister and partner with both dogs for long Sunday walk. Peace reigns. Walkers return and guest dog carried to bathroom for emergency bath while I finish vegetables and pretend timing was calculated. Lunch fine, albeit eaten at almost tea-time. Mother presides in pyjamas like it was perfectly normal, and has second helpings. Can't think what I was worried about.

So no need for moose antlers today, Emjo! - though another time they might well come in handy, and be much better karma than remembering how much cellulite goes on under those designer chinos…

Just the funeral to get through on Thursday now. Oh God. Don't know if brother and SIL will be there, but they should be. Younger brother probably not: he should be, too, but I'm betting he can't possibly get a day off work for his aunt's funeral (especially difficult to get a day off if you don't ask for it, of course). Sister will be. Hague cousin and his lovely ex-wife (no male can understand why he let her go, let alone cheated on her), of course, and possibly their lovely son. Cousin from Canada, aunt's cousin from Massachusetts - somehow, they seem to find time when it matters. SIL will probably do the rounds telling entire family that I've refused all offers of help with mother and am trying to isolate her from them. She will be in for a shock: virtually all those same family members have had more contact with mother over the last year than she has, mainly because they occasionally pick up the phone and/or visit. My kids will be there, mob-handed. Hope lovely nephew too. Psychiatrist SIL (on my ex's side) is coming to support my mother, and because my aunt was kind to her, and because she is a poppet.

Now wondering how older brother will take the realisation that the only person who "hasn't time" to give my mother any emotional support is, apparently, him. Not well, I'm guessing. Wonder whose fault that will become in his head?!

I spoke with my sister end of this week. She was telling me that our brother, "golden boy," had a kidney stone attack. Can you believe that he drove himself to the hospital? They were admitting him because aside the kidney stone, he was showing thickening of the colon wall on a Cat Scan. He'd recently had a colonoscopy, which came out good. But his colonoscopy doc concurred w/the kidney stone docs that they wanted to run more tests. He was sent home w/some pain meds, and hopefully he'd pass the stones. Then I called her today, Sun., to see whether this had happened. Now she's telling me they're at the hospital again,
because now he's having a gallstone pain. They found that one of the stones is obstructing a duct. So he's getting Laparascopic surgery tomorrow morning.
Oh vey! I'm going to the hospital tomorrow. So if I could request that you put out a spiritual holler for my brother, I would really appreciate it.

Now, I have to be strong!
Thankx, Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I would like to thank you all for your advice and personal story's you guys are all really helping me get through tough times God bless you all and I hope that in all your sad moments some light will shine in quickly!

Overwhelm,

Definitely go, and have a great time. I agree with others too, that maybe it's not a good idea to tell them so soon before your trip. Just keep telling yourself, that you're going to have a good time, and not have fear about other's reactions.
You know you deserve this.

Be Strong!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Zoolife,

This is absolutely wonderful what your friend said to you.
It's interesting how many times in our low moments.....someone we know comes through and is just there for us. You're blessed to have a friend like this in your life.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Well, June, we had/have terrible mothers too and we turned out OK. :-D
His sister, my niece has a drinking problem and is manipulative. My sister went to court and won family money from her kids that they had inherited from their aunt, then disinherited her son (my nephew), and they have been estranged for some time. I think she has seen her grandson twice. She has tried to come between him and his wife all along. I really didn't know him well, but finally a few years ago, I had to write him and tell him how appalled I was at his mother's behaviour. We have been corresponding ever since. He said the estrangement came from the way my sis spoke to his wife, not the money.They are a lovely family and I plan on going overseas to visit with them. I have had several invitations to stay with them. His wife's mother is "strange" too. There seem to be a lot of them around,

I had to laugh at mother - she wants me to come down, so I said I would and try to get her computer set up again. First, in very soft tones, she said "That's nice" then the usual imperious "When are you coming down" and I said in about a week. She said "That's not soon enough" Something terrible may happen to me here." I asked what, and she went on about some nonsense then said in an angry tone "If anything happens to me before you come I put it on your shoulders" I answered "Sure - absolutely" and she had no answer to that. What was unusual was the very soft tone when she first heard I was coming. She sounded so pleased and touched, then reverted back to her "normal". I have read of others whose narcissistic mothers have improved as they declined. I hope this trend continues with mother. I guess part of it is they have to be in control. Have a great day!!!

Joan so glad your nephew supported you-it is amazing he seems normel with the mother he got

Sounds like you are all having some good fun!! Good for you!! Grab your blue tights, tuna cans, and put on your shield of DETACH: Do Enact Tough Action: Chose Health!

Thank you Joan and Margeaux for the congrats. I am back to earth now after 24 hours of being on a cloud.

Today was interesting as L was being trained to do the supply load, after 1.5 hours the assistant store manager texted the Bakery manager saying L went home sick...she was vomiting.

Enjoy your down time, we don't get it often enough and laughter really does help!!

Overwhelm,
Yes, she will be mad. Yes, she will make nasty remarks. But you are an adult, a grown woman, a Queen. She has the right to get angry. She does not have the right to make nasty remarks, but she will anyway.

You have the right to arrange for her care, and then GO AWAY for a while, and enjoy yourself. When she is angry, don't get angry or defend yourself. "Yes, I know it will be hard for you while I'm away, but X will be here taking care of you."

"I know you'll miss me. I'll miss you too. (Say it even if you have to lie!) But think how great it will be to see each other when I get home!"

Be sweet and kind and FIRM.

Let the guilt go - you have nothing to feel guilty about; Your boyfriend is good for you and he is giving you good advice. I am not sure I would tell your mum and step dad two weeks ahead of time - that gives them 2 weeks to harass you and figure out things to keep you with them. Why tell them that soon? They will try to punish you for living your own life.

I expect your mum will get mad - so what. Her feelings are her responsibility, not yours.You are entitled to a life which is not just being at her beck and call. You are not her servant. You are being responsible by bringing someone else in to care for her, It really doesn't matter if she likes it or not.

My mother called and wants me to come down to see her. I said I would be down in a week. She said that is not soon enough. I need you here in a day or two. I asked what for - she gave some nonsense answers. I repeated I would be down in a week. She said if something terrible happens to me before than I put it on your shoulders. I said "Sure - absolutely". End of conversation.

It has taken me some years to be able to detach from her, but if you practice it will come to you too.

Develop a mantra for example -"Her anger is her problem - not mine" and keep saying it to yourself when she gets angry, if that is what bothers you most. Speak the truth to yourself. "I am a worthwhile person and I am entitled to a life of my own" "I have helped mother a lot and I have nothing to be guilty about." and so on. It will strengthen you.

Big ((((((hugs)))))) I am so happy you have taken this step. Go and enjoy yourself and don't let them spoil it. I am proud of you!

So good news my partner said take a vacation even a week and go see your cousin so what did I do I booked a flight and going to see my Aunt and Uncle and cousin who I have just started to get to know really nervous and feeling guilty my Mom and Step-Dad do not know yet telling her two weeks before I go but telling the case manager this week to set respite care just really nervous and anxiety about everything the planes and Jets leaving my Mom my partner I know it sounds silly but that is the way I am my boyfriend said do it and talk me into it! Any advice do you guys think it's okay just worried about my Mom's reaction she will be mad or say something like can you afford that right now etc

*hanging*

absolutely!!!! lol

How about handing some Christmas lights from them?

Emjo-
OK, just had to ask. I suppose that you would recommend the image of moose antlers to countrymouse? ;-P

Sharynmarie,

Congratulations about your daughter's pregnancy.
Babies......they just give so much positivity to a family!
O.K., granny, keep us posted. How exciting, for sure!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I

ah margeaux - had another laugh when I read your post. I am glad you enjoyed it. This is how we survive.
My sis is not normal - never has been. I have alerted the attorney, and am at peace about it. As I wrote above, I will invite sis to follow up properly with her allegations. I haven't lost my cojones either lol. You are right it is smoke and mirrors. Don't worry writing about anything you find funny. I don't offend easily and a good laugh is worth a lot. It was the "perfect order" part that really got to me. lol
Hope you are having a good evening. I will light a fire, have a hot (non alcoholic) drink and enjoy being out of the cold weather.

Even little treats like this count. (((((((hugs))))))

actually, cm, I think she still has her cojones ;-p

Sounds like your sil has it down pat. A busy schedule is a must. "Oh, yes mother, I will attend to that, but must fly now. I have an appointment." The appointment might be with the hotel hot tub, or the day spa, but it is an appointment. It is harder when they don't go out as much. Mother still enjoys going out for lunch - at the poshest and most expensive place in town, mind you, but it is worth it.

I have realised what the answer to my sister is. I will tell her that if she has made some very serious allegations and if she has concerns about my suitability it is her responsibility to engage in the proper process to have my performance evaluated. That puts the ball back in her park. She did not circulate her response to everyone, but to a chosen few, as far as I can see. I will circulate my response to everyone. Actually, years ago, she planned on mother coming over to stay near her as mother aged. Mother chose to be near me saying sis would not help her. She got that right.

Now the ludicrous again.

I had call from a taxi driver this afternoon telling me that my mother was lonely and that I really should come and visit her. He was in her apartment trying to help her with her computer. I gently told him that he did not know the whole story. I will go down next week and have two tasks so far - to visit the pharmacist to find out if the drug will 100% give her dementia (I know the answer already, of course) and to have Windows 7 installed on her computer, as she is finding Win 8 too difficult!!!! No kidding! If she can use the computer again, she will likely be better as she writes many emails which helps her let off steam. Things really fell apart last summer when her computer crashed. When I bought her new computer she said "No" to Win 7, but realises better now. She sounded very "with it", other than the paranoia about the meds. I suppose she vacillates back and forth. I am hoping I can convince her that the meds will not give her dementia, and to start taking them again. We may have some peace again!!!! Praying for this. Re the move I have heard no more so will let sleeping dogs lie.

Oh Lord, I feel for you, cm. Your sis is coming for lunch. You MUST have been drunk. Glad she will get what she is given and it sounds good too. I have read a few good suggestions here about visuals to get you through. Imagine her with antlers on or some such silly thing. Hasn't forgiven you about a remark you made when you were 6? Sounds like a personality disorder to me. What could possibly go wrong? In my experience, everything, but I don't want to discourage you. Put on your blue tights, tuna cans, magic bracelets to ward off the toxic forces, and your tiara to show you are queen of your circumstances. Will your ex be there to help "dilute" her.

Queenism - No matter how many times life knocked on her door bringing trouble she could handle it. She was the strong and resilient Queen of her own life.

Also there is a difference between being people pleasing or being a pleasing (pleasant) person.

cm - be sure to let us know how it goes. This care giving would be so much easier without the sibs wouldn't it?

Hugs to you. My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow.

Emjo,

Just as I suspected re: your sister, remember I told you she behaved in a paranoid way, when she and your mother were in cahoots, during her visit with her?
She really is not operating at the normal level.I agree with others here who have said for you to alert the attorney. About wondering what kind of damage this could bring, say if others believe this garbage.....well I'm sure the truth will win out, so don't go worry your head about this. I know this kind of behavior. My brother the "golden boy," did this. But it's interesting how it manifests with people. He would brag a lot, try to run things by the other siblings in a hurried rush when it came to legal matters. He did it this way, I finally analyzed, to confuse people, throw a bit of misdirection in our path, this way it takes the focus off the real issues. The old "smoke and mirrors," trick. I feel that your sister is attempting to do the same, and you're too evolved and not having it!
Well, now that you admitted to your chuckle about your mom's claim to having those sex glands removed, I must admit that when I read this I laughed my butt off.
I wanted to write about it, but didn't want for you to take it the wrong way.
Wow, and they're in perfect order, well good for her! HAAH! This comment was hilarious!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

[Emjo maybe it was her cojones she thought they'd taken..?]

I think my (Australian, now) SIL is getting towards your kind of annual schedule, very slowly. She has the excuse of being in Australia, I suppose, has lived there since 1988; but for longer than that would explain we saw almost nothing of her. Now every four to six months either she comes here or my other SIL and MIL go there; and I think she's also worked hard to make sure it doesn't follow what used to happen - hugs and tears at the airport, followed by five minutes' polite conversation, followed by a fortnight of sulks, tantrums, major arguments and wild accusations until she went home exhausted and enraged. Now she and her (delightful) husband stay in a good hotel not too close to MIL and make sure their schedule's good and busy. And when MIL is in Aus. they arrange plenty of trips and house parties, to dilute her I imagine. I'm sure they still have their moments, but at least it doesn't turn into a dead waste of several thousand dollars.

I don't know how much longer this can continue, mind you. If my MIL were showing signs of getting to 100 virtually unchanged I think there'd be a stampede to Switzerland among her children… No, that's mean of me, I take it back. But I have no idea how they'll manage when she's not fit enough to travel long-distance or be taken out and about much.

ANYWAY - the point, surely, is that suggesting you've ignored, abandoned, ostracised (or whatever the accusation is) your mother is too ludicrous for words. Have you asked sister when she's coming over to look after her mother properly, in her own home, by the way? I expect she's got the date in her diary, yes?

My sister's coming to lunch tomorrow. I airily invited her, must have been drunk when she rang. She's bringing the dog, but not the husband. Ah well. I found myself beginning to panic-buy in the supermarket - olives, pretzel sticks, caviar with Bath Olivers, hazy memories of what she used to like in the olden days - and then remembered the chollah/stollen débacle and decided she'll get what she's given. Which will be a nice roast with my signature potatoes and carrots from the garden (if there are any), followed by apple crumble and custard. No starter, because mother won't have room for pudding. And no cheese because sister said - meaningfully, or maybe I was just being paranoid - she wants to lose a few pounds (I once said she looked fat in her new bathing costume. I was six years old at the time, and probably didn't know about breasts. She hasn't forgiven me). Just an ordinary Sunday lunch… what can possibly go wrong?

Correction - when I said I set a pattern of visiting and helping on an annual bases - I meant I had an annual pattern, not that I visited annually. I have visited at least 4 times a year over the 16+ years since mother has been in the west, and on each visit helped her with whatever she needed, bought her groceries, took her places, etc. I spent time with her after her gall bladder op when she recuperated. In the past 10 years I have stayed in hotels, as she has been too difficult for me to stay with. All in all it had cost me a fair amount of money.

(((((((((Zoo))))))))))) your post brought tears to me too. Yes, it is what we do with what we are given and at times it is very hard. I am blessed to have G's support. The crazies are having less and less effect on me. I am getting over the PTSD anxiety much faster, and the 3 am and 8 am phone calls today just triggered an "Oh, it's her again."

I truly am sorry for the abuse you had as a child. I had verbal and emotional abuse, but very little physical abuse. It must have added to the scariness and feelings of helplessness of it all. I know others here have experienced the same. I think we all are a tribute to the survival capacity of the human spirit.
Huge ((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) re your healing experience. Your pain was validated in a very special way. Bless that man for speaking up. God is good.

You wrote - "This is going to has to be the year of setting ourselves free to allow choices that will bring joy to those that suffer here, our lives count just as much so we have to take the time to say NO, set boundaries and HEAL!"

A big AMEN to that. I found it interesting, as yesterday I wrote a friend with whom I shared this stuff, to say that this is the year of freedom. I believe it for me and others.

Talking about laughing, I have had to chuckle at something mother said when she told me her sex glands were removed. She added in one voice mail "and they were perfectly good". It is those things which tip the crazies into the realm of totally ridiculous and make us laugh. No doubt at 101 her sex glands were perfectly good! Maybe that is why she has made it this far... oh dear, my imagination is running away with me lol. BTW her ovaries were removed with her uterus when she was about 37 due to endometriosis.

Prayers for you to continue in your healing journey. I am blessed by the progress you are making.

book - ((((((( hugs))))) and prayers for you too to be able to detach more. I am sorry that your father's behaviour is worse. You have dealt with and are dealing with such a difficult situation. I think you are a Kick Ass Girl with all the honours. You have so much spunk. Thanks for the insight re the smear campaign and advice to watch my back. I am working on doing that. Fortunately the professionals who deal with mother are supportive of me. I hope you get more respite when you need it.

ju - so glad to see you posting again and that you have floors, warmth and a bed to sleep in. I don't know how you have done it. Honestly, if we gathered together all the experiences caregivers have and wrote a book about them, people would think it was fiction. Wonderful that you had some time off visiting your BFF. Crab feed and turkey dinner sound fabulous. I am so glad you got away and went to the shower. Also glad you are looking at ways to get a little more time to yourself. You need and deserve that. Lord, make it work for ju.

margeaux - I reread your note - many guys do not do these things naturally, so it is more special when they do. I am not sure that lowering expectations is always a bad thing. Their way as guys of showing feelings is very different from ours as women. Gary communicates much better now than he did and it makes a huge difference to me. The other day I realized that it is really foreign to him and he has done it just for me as he has seen that I need it. So I told him that I realized that and appreciated so much that he would do this for me. It was a nice moment. At the same time, I work for improvement in several areas too. Yes, mother's delusions are at a new level, and it is sad, and yet, in a way it makes it a little easier to deal with her, as it points out how sick she is. The only control issue I have is with her moving, as I believe it would be detrimental to her. She would once again be able to snow people for a while, until the illness factor surfaced too much, and all the while she is declining and who knows what crazy scheme she would come up with next. At least where she is they are aware of her problems, keeping an eye on her and trying to get her treated. At a new place, she would have a new case manager, new home care staff, and others - back to square one. Take care!

Snowfall warning here for today. I have asked my oldest grandson to come over and shovel tomorrow and will take him out for supper. We got a warning from the city about cleaning the sidewalks as they had not been done when Gary was away. I will have to make sure that g'son knows to shovel them when he is house/cat sitting and it snows. He was not brought up to do such things, but never too late to learn.

Love and hugs to everyone. Have a good day and stay warm!!!

Zoo~What a great post, I am so happy you have this friend in your life to talk with who understands dysfunction and accepts it. I have found that most people deny that parents can be so abusive to their children.

Book~We don't have to lift 40lb boxes on a daily basis and you only lift to place it on a cart so it can be wheeled back to our dept. I have dealt with pain from over use since my 40's so I have learned to live with it for the most part. L is just now starting to experience this type of pain. I worry more about developing a hernia than hurting my back. Let your legs do the work not your back. Thanks again for the congrats!! We are all very excited.

Juju~Good to hear from you and glad the floors are in and you have heat again. Wishing you a less stressful New Year...you sure had enough in 2013. Come back when you can.

Hugs to everyone!!