notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
Follow
Share
Read More Close
34K Comments
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- How do I deal with an emotionally needy mother who wants all of my time and attention?
- I get so angry with my 88-year-old mom sometimes and find myself getting resentful to her and not treating her very good. How can I deal?
- How do I deal with being "cut" from the family?
- My sole mate is sole care taker of both parents. Where do I find help dealing with this?
Start a Discussion
cm - apparently my sister's email did circulate - at least her son got it and I had a very nice supportive email from him this morning. He called the email "deeply unpleasant" which was a nice way of putting it. Yes, some may buy her story. and it is a pain, but one I have dealt with all my life. I have only one hand from birth, and it is not a handicap so much as a nuisance or a "pain" sometimes and reason to protect my right shoulder which is showing signs of wear. I look at this in a similar way - a reality of my life and something that has to be dealt with. Frankly my sis is more of a handicap. It will be interesting to see if I get any other support. My nephew knows his mother's problems better than anyone else, besides myself and has had the brunt of her anger and manipulation, as have I. His support is very meaningful to me.
Thanks everyone re encouragement to contact the lawyer. I emailed mother's lawyer yesterday and am waiting for her response. I hope it does not come to a legal battle between us, but if so, then I will engage. To me, my sis's comments are so selected to put me in a bad light that anyone should see through them. She completely ignored many of the points I made including the ones abut the food service being the same, which has been mother's main concern. Her arguments would not hold water in an assignment in any class I taught, as they are not adequately supported. Oh, well.
Re father's enabling sick mothers - same in my family, and I think it meant my father died sooner than he would have and had a less healthy old age. He drank too much and that contributed as well. She blamed him and then included me in that for everything she perceived went wrong in her life -and that was daily and meant daily rages and rants. He developed adult onset diabetes and vascular dementia. No one else in his family had dementia and many lived to a healthy old age.
sad - thanks for sharing about your neighbour. I know at some point I have to sit down and write everything out. I have saved about 30 voice mails - the recent ones and will transcribe some things from them. I can remember pretty well what I have done in the past 16 years. I set a pattern of visiting and helping on an annual basis. I wonder why sometimes too, but trust that God has a purpose. more about that later. I too wished that my parents would divorce, to stop the daily verbal and occasionally physical battles.
Going to stop here and continue in a new post. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to everyone
We are still here, just surviving, but we have floors and heat. I finally have a room and bed to sleep in...hoping the bed will bring some good sleep and good energy, in turn, the recliner was not the most restful spot! I rarely slept the night thru between midnite diaper changes and I would be awake for hours sometimes in the middle of the night.
Otherwise doing ok I guess mom n I!! feeling very lonely and isolated coming off the holidays. I sure do miss having family, just not my family, hahahaha, not!!! We did go to the BFF's and had a wonderful time and two amazing dinners, Crab feed Xmas eve, and Turkey dinner Xmas day! Well for me I am glad to see 2013 gone it was one of the worst, def in top 3! Looking forward to a better time and life for us this next year!!! This past Saturday
I did get away from mom, for the first time in years, to go to my Dearest friends baby shower. Rushed but nice break, nearly 2 hrs each way drive and 2hr for shower. Glad I got to go, it was iffy, had Flo not offered to watch my mom the day before I would have been able to go. It was early, brunch and I could not have gotten us both there. So I turned on the the radio and enjoyed the ride and scenery and had a great morning, socializing, wow what a concept!!!! I sure would like to do that a little more....but the lady who watched her does not do any diaper changing or maneuvering....she just sits with her so she is not alone. Anyway. once we get thru this financial mess of the home repairs maybe I can look for some foster care to take her for a day or two now n then. I am hoping!
I am often thinking and praying for all the wonderful people here! Hope you have a good day and weekend and to those in the freeze take care and stay warm,
Peace,
Juju
Sharyn, I can barely lift a 20 lbs. rice. I cannot even imagine lifting a 40 lbs object. You guys are Strong. Watch your back (literally, those weights can damage your back), though. Congratulations on going to have your very first grandchild!!!! {{laughing}} Now you can spoil him/her and the parents will just have to undo it! =)
Emjo, I like your plan of action. She’s doing a smearing campaign to try to get others to believe that you are up to no good. Do what you need to do to protect yourself. And watch your back. {{HUGS}}
Zoolife. Thank you for sharing that. I had tears in my eyes as I read your words. No male ever said that to me. My parents never apologized that they did that to us. {{HUGS))
Yes my childhood like so many others on this board was a nightmare thanks for the acknowledgment as you do with all on this board.
I had a really healing experience happen this evening while speaking with one of my favorite men friends, just friends he's a great support. We talk a lot about dysfunctional families relationships he was a minster for years he has such a heart for people walking them through their brokenness, and for God. He was trying to understand a women in his life he cares deeply for, as she came from much the same back ground I did. After I spoke about the abuse I sustained growing up in an alcoholic home, my phone shut off, he called me back and said Sherry, I want to apologize on behalf of my fellow man, your father and other men who have abused you, let you down, treated you with disrespect and shamed you. I want you to know you never deserved to be treated with such lack of integrity, it was wrong, and I'm here on their behalf to say how sorry I am for pain their behavior brought you. As he went on I just burst into tears, it reach deep inside my soul, I was heard, and recognized as valuable, worthy of much more than I received. It was a beautiful thing then he said a prayer for me. I feel so very blessed that in my path today are a small group of very kind and loving people who have nurtured me through all of this mess. I can't believe they all have stood by me when I've been falling apart, but they have, this forum included. This is going to has to be the year of setting ourselves free to allow choices that will bring joy to those that suffer here, our lives count just as much so we have to take the time to say NO, set boundaries and HEAL! When were not laughing our hinders off, cause you can't make this stuff up it's so ridiculous! God Bless you all!
We are keeping the news quiet until my daughter and her husband are ready to announce it to the family. Of course they have told my sil's parents who are as elated as we are. Planning my two weeks vacation around the birth...OMG...how great is this!!
Sharynmarie - I agree - talking to my councilor will help me understand why my dad stayed with her - I can remember at age 11 wishing they would divorce and I would live with dad. Ugh.
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend - and try to be happy! For those that are in the frozen part of our country - stay warm!
Joan~I think it is a good idea to contact your mother's attorney letting her know about these accusations from your sister. I hope it does not come to a legal battle between the two of you but you have to do what you think is best in the long run.
Have a quiet and peaceful weekend...if possible!!
I know, you know all this. And even if the steps to be taken are straightforward it's still a pain. Goodness you must get so fed up with it.
The correspondence relating to your enquiries about resigning your POA might be helpful here. Anyone who imagines you're in this for the money would be very quickly put right..!
Now I have to deal with my sister's email. I don't think I can let an allegation of wanting mother's demise go by unaddressed.
Thank you so much for sharing. (((((((hugs)))))
And Judd- I had also just called my mother a black hole also - as I sat in the back seat - I closed my eyes as she rambled on non stop spuing negativity - I just went someplace else. I must be moving from sad, to mad to acceptance and feel ok. I am seeing my councilor next week for a tune up! I still want help on a few things. Part of me feels bad still because of the stroke - but I didn't give it to her.... When we left I sat in the car and had some clarity - it sounds terrible - but I think everyone here can relate. I hate my mother. She is ugly from the inside out. She is vile and hateful and will suck the life out of anyone near her. My poor father - had the life sucked out of him 5 years ago. The problem with narcissists is they do have that nice funny or sweet side that they pull out of their hat when they need to suck you back in. I refuse to be my mother chew toy anymore. It is taking time - but so thankful for my husband and family!
As far a L goes....well I just work with her, have no intentions of seeing her outside of work even though she has a big heart, she is too involved with people instead of being involved in her own life regarding herself. She really should get a job where she does not have to be physically active. Even the other girl at work last night was getting tired of L's tirade and they are good friends outside of work, LOL!! All I could do was laugh....really, the job requires being able to lift and move 40lb boxes. I was actually shocked that they were going to train her for management....maybe they were just calling her bluff since she is never happy with anything they have her do or the shift they put her on, idk....
Your work situation does sound nutty. I would steer clear of L - not the kind of person who would make a good companion or a good manager!
Have to figure out of I am going to respond to my sister's blast and if I should circulate it to the family, as she claims she intended it to be. The one thing she said which concerns me is that I am interested in mother's demise. That is quite an allegation and I am wondering if I need to do something about that.
Yes, I have been working at the funny farm the last 2 nights with L. She has been on a rampage since she found out on Wed night they were going to train her to put a supply load away. She ran to the store manager complaining...I am 54 years old...blab blab blab. When we came to work yesterday she was still on it and complained to the deli manager. I am 54 years old...let the younger men do it...I just shook my head and went in back laughing. The deli manager said when you came to this store you said you wanted to be trained in management. The supply load is part of it. L was having non of that saying why would you start me on the load instead of the computer Lol! The manager was getting angery...I asked her if she wanted to find the nearest brick wall......its a situation
Zoo - love "Dysfunction Junction" - that says it all. I am sorry you were beaten as a child - inexcusable. Don't take on any more that you want to. I am glad you are taking a break. You know you can come and vent anytime. Things will pick up - you can do it. Be good to you. (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
cm - you are right - this too will pass
mbvargo - oh dear, the one in a million thing - the need to be unique - You are so right that they set themselves up for No Win and all you can do it keep out of the way. I don't know if you can stem the tide of words. Can you walk out of waiting rooms and come back when she has settled down?
judd - I got the FOG horns from my sis as well tonight.. I know the no real sharing - no honesty - never has been. It is amazing how difficult even a short period of time with them is. Setting boundaries is great - will get more comfortable in time. Having your own best friend inside is good. I like the way you put it - your heart is trampled by your mother. yeah mine too and by my sister. Even better that you regained yourself and your peace fairly quickly. yes, less and less time...
Well I am not one of those peaceful ladies tonight. I sent out a family update and got a blast back from my sis that I never tried to communicate with mother, don't do anything for her, that I was interested in her demise ?????, that I should give up POA to someone else, that she had asked a nurse about the meds and mother should be careful about strong drugs and so on. For someone who has had little contact with the people looking after mother she thinks she knows a lot. Gary just laughed at it and said that she is in the same class as mother. I think he is right. Sis started the letter by saying that she hoped everyone got it, and then she sent it only to me. Her daughter who lives with her, could certainly help her to make sure everyone got it, if sis does not know how to do that.. I smell a game here and I am not going to play.
I have been getting in touch with the PTSD and realized that when mother or sis blast/abuse/speak the crazies my anxiety levels go straight up. I know this comes from childhood and the abuse then.So I said to myself "They can't hurt you any more". And I keep repeating to myself that they cannot hurt you any more. They cannot hurt ou any more" and It is working. Judd - like you said - from the inside -
It was great having Gary here too and seeing his reaction to sis's letter. I calmed down faster. I know this will take more work, but it is happening. I want to be rid of the PTSD -I have had it too long and want it out of my life!!! - tuna cans, blue tights, magic bracelets, gold tiaras whatever it takes - I am getting rid of it! That is one New Year's resolution I will keep.
Just a lot of head trips, and insane ideas mixed with the beginnings of dementia or forgetfulness, and the whole gamut of blaring F.O.G horns, reserved especially for me, her favorite daughter! When I am with her I am someone else.
"Yes, uh-huh, how nice, hm." There is no real sharing. She doesn't let me say even 4 words. Yet she complains to me or others how "all she does is talk".
So weird. Driving her to the doctor: I need to adjust the temperature. She is blabbing on and on about nothing really and she doesn't feel listened to because I am not somehow giving her my 100% attention even though I am driving and keeping the window from fogging. ugh. She is like a black hole. In the doctor's office she was yaking on and on and I looked away from her to a sign I hadn't noticed and wondered what it was. She eats up the opportunity to see if she can make herself look good in front of others. "Look at me when I am talking. That's rude. It's only common sense and decency to look at someone when they are talking you know."
I am so closed down around her! By the time I got home I wanted to shoot someone. Happy to be alone and safe in my own abode, I went to to the bathroom mirror and literally talked to myself. "yuck! I feel yucky all over! But what can I do? I can't think of another way to be that person!" I pretended I was talking to a comforting second self. Maybe the mother I never had. maybe my higher Self, my Soul. She answered, "Don't worry. You have never done boundaries before with Mom. This is the first time you are not buying her trips.
This is good for now." Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Any suggestions? I often wish I was one of those sweet angelic ladies who are always calm and never let on they are put out by anyone. My heart is so trampled by my mother. But after an hour of lunch and back to my work, I had a wonderful day! and the best part was I regained myself and my peace. Maybe it takes less and less time to recover.