notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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How touching, and thoughtful from the men in your life!
Yes.....this really counts tons, doesn't it? My guy surprised me one time, it's been a few mos., ago. It was after he'd had the hernia surgery. My guy is not mindful at times with the thank you's. I used to get more affected by this, but this may sound weird. I've become somewhat used to it, since I've noticed this is also a cultural thing with him. Maybe I've done this for myself too, since it's lowering y expectations. That's too bad too. But the day he came home w/the flowers.....it touched my heart, for sure. He does show goodness in other ways, maybe just not the more emotional ones, but I wish for some improvement anyway.
What your mom is experiencing via her episodes has taken it to another level.
I'm very sad also about how you're feeling about this. Well, hopefully the re-evaluation will work in everyone's favor. It is tough when the senior still hold's this kind of control, but really it's such a detriment to them.
Hugs,
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
It's been a long time, and glad to see you return, Happy New Year to you!
It's interesting to hear lately some accounts of what people's elders repeat over and over again. Our narcissistic aunt used to say many of the same things, but she was being cared for by my sister and hired CG's in mom's home. When my sister started to recant each and every time, my aunt's complaints about the food.....I told sis to tell her "This is not Marie Calendar's."
Truly happy to hear that you are with the right counseling, and that it is productive for you.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
You know things are bad when you say to yourself "Well, it was only an accident, that your best friend died, and that your mother is having psychotic episodes. It could be worse."
cm - Indeed, a steep bit if the roller coaster ride. This morning it is just that they have changed her (non existent) appointment and the lady who is coming to pick her up (not) is unreliable (not). Re the accident - I was jolted by it, but nothing else has appeared. Gary has a sore neck and shoulder he thinks from grabbing the steering wheel to brace himself. The guy hit the truck on the passenger side, but right in front - the headlight. I saw him come right at us. Fortunately he was driving a small jeep, and we were in a 3/4 ton, so we were high and pretty solid.
glad and everyone - thanks - we are OK.
Sharyn - I had a nice bath and then started to cook. You know I am alright if I can cook. Spiced apples and pork chops for last night, and got a moose (yes, I know glad - ewwww - lol) stew going in the crock pot for tonight.
Gary and I exchanged our Christmas cards finally, and his touched me deeply (Do you know the song "I could not ask for more"? - the card played it), as did the flowers he brought home for me last night. Sean, my grandson, had plugged in the lights on the little tree in the window to welcome us home the night before. Those little considerations make a difference. They warm your heart, and make the other stuff less important. My glass is full with good things.
Hugs to everyone and do something good for you today!
I somehow missed the accident too. Very relieved everyone is ok.
After 8 days of rest, sleep and good food - went to see mom - did see her about 3 weeks ago and it went ok - not fantastic - but ok. So - she is obsessed with having a phone - still. I said no - and she glazed over and it was time to go. I just didn't go fast enough. As she followed me out - said a hearty FU. Nice. I had told her - and emailed her (got her email on her Ipad) that her appointment was at 10 - I would be there at 9:30 and where the appointment was. Had a plan with my husband - he would drive - and if she got nasty again - we would just turn around and go home. Walked in at 9:35 and she started in that I said I would be there at 8...heard me say that 1000 times. ok. Whatever. Got her in the car - I thankfully sat in the back. Here is just a sample of what we hear over a total of about 4 hours:
1. Food is all crap
2. I used to live there in my beautiful home, Karen - why won't you let me go home.
3. Crying - fake - boooo hooooo hoooooo
4. Are you taking all my money - where is my money
5. You just don't know what is going on there - I have to get out of there
6. Fake crying again
7. All my friends want me to go home (she has one - the other one came to see her for the first time in a year - they have all fled)
8. Jennifer (my daughter) won't come see me, why, why....fake cry
9. Is that my ring you are wearing? (no)
10. That shirt is ugly - I don't like it - to me of course
11. Why do you wear your hair like that - you should cut it (hair has always been an issue)
12. Fake crying
13. Get to the doctor - if she does have rheumatoid arthritis she has to take prednisone - she refuses. Spent 2 hours at dr, xray & blood tests - for nothing.
14. The food is crap and I told the cook
15. Get me a decent sandwich - I don't want that kind - I have told you a hundred times
So - get her the decent sandwich - took her back - had a talk with the facility manager - mom is harassing two men there calling them stupid - in the mean time she insisted that her Ipad should have pictures on it (there are 600) and wants to see other peoples pictures (Facebook) I asked her if was FB - she said no - and wouldn't listen - kept taking over me - then I had to tell her to stop talking badly to the men- she went off on me wanting to know who told on her - claimed she could say whatever she wanted. I walked out - and went home. Got 3 emails today - her sandwich was cold, I guess I upset you and my ipad is broken.
Have to say - my counseling is working well - I got over it pretty quickly - my poor husband is still shell shocked.
1billy - so sorry to hear about your breakdown and the abuse, but it is good it came out, I agree with Sharyn that less visiting your mum would be good for you and drawing some pretty firm boundaries with your brother is needed, or cut him off if you choose. You and your daughter both need time to heal from the abuse. I hope both of you are in treatment.
A psychologist, Pauline Boss recommends that people who have been abused do not do hands on caring for those who have abused them. Your mum is in an ALF. She is cared for there. Her needs are met, her "wants" will not all be met, but that is not necessary. I think, for your own good and the good of your daughter, the time has come for you to say "No" to your mum over some things - maybe many things. And to say no to further abuse by your brother, as Sharyn has outlined.
There is no need for you to do everything your mother asks. My mother who is also in an ALF would have me running in circles for her all the time, but I won't. Even when I do do things she asks for, she often gets mad at me for doing them, so I back off and do less. I have found it necessary to detach more and more and I think you would benefit from learning how to do that. It means to emotionally distance yourself, and not allow her moods and demands to affect you as much, It means saying "No" to her, when saying "Yes" is not good for you. It means putting your and your daughter's needs above hers.
With the abuse you have recently remembered and the breakdown, you have a huge load for yourself and your daughter. Please, above all, look after you and your child. That is your first priority. Your mother has to be further down the list whether she likes it or not. If she doesn't like it that is her problem, don't make it yours and don't try to make her happy. Some people will never be happy no matter what you do. That is their choice. ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) to you. You have a long healing road ahead for you and your daughter. Good luck to you and come back and let us know how you are.
Sharyn - according to them, mother does not have dementia. She passes the cognition tests quite well. She has mental illness and I think the psychotic episodes are related to her BPD as they can happen at any age. But I do think that aging is limiting some of her mental abilities, even if not her cognition. The mental health nurse was concerned about her quality of life, as mother is more and more agitated recently, but, she does not want to put a 101 yr old in hospital. I think I will call in a bit and say if a 101 yr old has a broken leg you fix it as you would at any age, and if mother needs to be hospitalized, then do it, regardless of her age. I believe there is not way they can put her meds in her food in the ALF. In the hospital I think they would have a better chance of getting meds into her one way or another. yes it is quite a story.
Right now I am tearful - probably a combination of losing my friend and mother's turn downhill, and also the anticipation of dealing with my sister's reaction to all of this, though I have limited contact with her. I am tired from the trip, and want it all to go away for a while. I think a nice bubble bath is in order. I have classical music playing which I find relaxing. Maybe I will fire up the vehicle and head to the deli to buy supper - not feeling much like cooking. I need to take my grandson, who house sat, back to his place anyway. The cat lost a few lbs. when we were away, but he is eating and cuddling so I guess he is OK. I don't need something to happen to him on top of everything else!
Joan~Wow, I am so sorry your mother is getting worse. That is quiet a story about having her sex glands removed...like a science fiction story if it wasn't coming from your mother. I do hope they get a psychiatrist to see her soon. While it is true the meds can normalize your mother, but how to get her to take them daily is a big issue and being in ALF, are they willing or can they legally put in it in her food if the meds came in liquid form?? If they can stabilize her, they may then be able see the dementia. Let us know how it is going for her and you.
1billy~With your mother in AL, you should probably limit what you do for her to once a week only. As far as your brother is concerned, set boundaries about what he can talk to you about and if he crosses the boundary, tell him you will not discuss this with him. If he says mean, personal comments, avoid contact with him, tell him until he can be respectful, you don't want to see him. You have to stand strong against people like that and don't be afraid to hurt their feelings as they have no problem hurting your feelings. Let him visit your mother, but you don't have to visit with him too. These are only suggestions and others may have more suggestions for you too.Hang in there and take care of yourself. Hugs!!
I have never been told that mother has dementia, but there is no doubt that she is deteriorating with age. I would look for signs of dysfunction that are greater, more frequent, more far out than usual. It is hard to sort out, but in time it does become evident that something more/else is happening.
What is happening to me. Well, I think there is some confusion to begin with, as you try to figure out what is happening. I see some denial in some members of the family, and I may well have had some at times. I feel sadness at seeing mother deteriorate. To me, it is a fairly typical grieving process -and the stages of grief apply to a large extent. Grief happens not only at a death, but also in response to any big loss/change - like job loss, health loss etc. Certainly we grieve as we see close ones deteriorate.
The Kubler Ross model is fairly well accepted though you do not go through these stages in a linear fashion, but back and forth slowly making progress towards acceptance.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From Wikipedia:
The Kübler-Ross model, commonly referred to as the five stages of grief, is a concept introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross[1] and says that someone faced with the reality of impending death or other extreme, awful fate experiences a series of emotional stages:
1.Denial
2.Anger
3.Bargaining
4.Depression
5.Acceptance.
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For me the grieving has been there a long time - grief over not having the mother I needed, but I have been coming to terms with that. This is a different loss - mother, though she was not the mother I needed was a very bright woman who generally looked after herself pretty well in many areas. It saddens me to see her so paranoid, and more and more out of touch with reality, and living in a world that is more and more stressful/dangerous for her. For me, researching her conditions on the internet has helped, as it has given me a "heads up" as to what to expect. That is one coping mechanism. Re the grieving. what I know to do is feel the feelings, don't fight them, let them come. Give yourself space for this and a "safe place", by which I mean somewhere where you can feel and express your feelings with out judgement or criticism, or denial. That may be alone, or with a trusted person or both. I have found that essential. This forum, on the whole, I have found to be a "safe place". Some of us find certain threads, like this one to be safer than others.
I don't grieve the love I had because I still have it, though its expression is different. I grieve the losses she is going through, the pain (emotional in her case) she is living with, the limitations that age and illness have imposed upon her. I accept the changes though I don't like them any more than I like some of the changes that aging has brought upon me.
Brings a well known poem to mind.
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night - by Dylan Thomas
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light...
Thank you for sharing your journey and your questions with us. (((((((hugs)))))) I know it is not easy going through this.
Mother is having psychotic episodes that she has been taken to a place like the Salvation Army, where there was one bed, and they removed sex glands. I just talked to the mental health nurse who says she knows that mother has been more agitated and she is arranging to visit mother with the psychiatrist and she hopes they do not have to admit her to hospital. I rather hope they do. Mother left me a number of voice mails when I was away, regarding not being able to get food, re me taking over her bank accounts, re her not being able to see any doctors except the one her ALF told her to go to, and now this last one regarding the removal of her sex glands which is totally far out and has no relationship to any reality. None of these are true, but you can see some sort of connection somewhere, except with this last one. She also told me that she flushed her meds down the toilet as they would give her dementia. The mental health nurse says she will keep me informed.
I am so glad that I had a break and it has been good for me, even with my friend's death and the funeral.
overwhelm - I was going to answer an earlier post of yours, but too much going on. It is NOT you - it is them. I saw you were feeling guilty. These sharing groups are usually just that and very accepting, and not judgemental. If you get one that is judgemental, find another one. Same is true for individual meetings. I have been to many counsellors over the years and very occasionally have not continued with one as I did not like our interaction. You have that right. I think going to a good support group would be great for you. Let us know how it turns out. When dealing with people with mental issues, like your mum, sometimes you wonder if it is you or them. But, you are the one who has come to a forum for help, been honest about yourself and the others, and believe me, it is NOT you who is causing trouble. Unfortunately we are often given messages by unhealthy people/parents which hurt our self esteem. The blessing about forums like this is that they help us build ourselves up again. Take care of you and stay in touch and let us know how it goes.
sandwich - yes bizarre -o and getting bizarre - o - er. (sigh)
chrissikal - sounds like you have found a good group. It can help make this difference between life feeling bearable, and life feeling unbearable. "Nothing good enough" - that is the narcissist's theme song. Vent away here. I know it helps. Living with the crazies is hard.
judd - I will answer in a separate post as this is getting long.
Sharyn - the mental health nurse still says she is competent, as the problems she has are treatable therefore potentially reversible. I don't think so, but as long as she gets the care she needs it really doesn't matter.
have a good day everyone!
Somehow, I missed the fact that you and G were broadsided.
So glad no one was hurt, have a safe, safe drive home.
Yes, I had a weird thing happen with a post.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Sandwich~Very funny stuff!! Thanks for sharing it, we all need a good laugh, humor does help get through it.
Judd~My mother was abusive all my life, especially growing up. My father passed from Alz in 2003, when our mom started to get forgetful, we let things ride until she started with confusion. That was when we knew she had dementia. This was in late 2009. She refused to take Namenda or Aricept and she progressed to being mentally incapacitated by the end of 2012. During 2012 was when she really started to escalate in decline. Because she always accused us of things we did not do, we had many verbal fights in early 2012. This was my mother's normal personality. I decided to change my approach toward our mother and started treating everything she said and did as being Alz related and not her normal personality. This worked for me, we no longer were fighting, she began to trust me, I would tell her, "Oh mom don't worry, I misplace things too." During 2012, I started grieving every time she declined. She lost her drivers license, she couldn't keep up with bills, she tried 2-3 times to cancel her long term care policy which we managed to stay one step ahead of her by reinstating it before it was too late. Mom is now in a memory care unit, I still grieve her losses even though my relationship with her is no longer abusive. She could change at any minute and I am prepared for that too.
Joan~I am happy you were able to go to your friend's funeral and connect with her family. I am sure that helped with the sadness of her loss....Hugs to you!!!
I am glad no one got hurt in the accident, hoping you and G are not experiencing some residual soreness.
I agree about the competency evaluation. With my mom it was something that had to come from a neurologist. Her PCP did finally say she could not live alone any longer, but he would not say she could not make decisions for herself.
Happy trails for a safe trip home!!
Good night everyone!!
My mom was in nursing home for rehab for 3 months and she barked orders at me in the same way. Nothing was good enough and kept changing her mind on what she wanted after she told me.
My biggest problem now is her changing her clothes constantly, won't stay in bed, not sleeping, not eating well. I've been to doctors, working on new doctor appointments . Even the day care center says its hard for them to keep her out of closet.
She doesn't have blackouts. I said she feels dizzy, but actually this is because she's neglected to take her BP meds, and goes for long periods of time w/o eating properly, hence the dizziness. However, when she drinks she'd rather do that than bother about eating, as often drinkers do.
About her daughter, I also have been asked as well as another friend to take her to the hospital last year when she was having some venous procedure to her legs.
She doesn't ask her daughter, because the daughter puts out all the behaviors that she'd just rather not participate. Well, as if that isn't bad enough, when she was recuperating from all of this the daughter didn't even come by to check up on her,
nor call....this is what I'm talking about. She may have behaviors that drive the daughter away, but her daughter is no angel of mercy either. Like many people here, even if they've a very difficult parent, many put up and do whatever it is so at the very least one can see some concern, when needed.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
sandwich that is great - I know the routine, Doesn't matter what you do or say they have to top it with something negative. I am so glad she is not in your home - that would be too much!!!
Going to be a long night driving home. 5 pm here and we don't have another truck yet. We will likely get home after midnight. Hope the roads are decent.
Missing my friend and feeling sad but that is all in order. I know it will get better in time. Looks like I did another ooops again. Better shut down and start collecting things for the trip back.
sandwich that is great - I know the routine, Doesn't matter what you do or say they have to top it with something negative. I am so glad she is not in your home - that would be too much!!!
Going to be a long night driving home. 5 pm here and we don't have another truck yet. We will likely get home after midnight. Hope the roads are decent.
Missng my fri