notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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My young niece's husband's mother is an alcoholic. We have warned her from the beginning to be careful when she's drinking. MIL keeps it all within the home. She decided to quit her job and have her young son take care of her because she's tired of working. Instead he moved out of the home with my niece and child to start their own new life. She had to get back to work and did.
Just recently, she went driving while intoxicated. And crashed. Niece, hubby and 2yr old son went to the accident site. Hubby gave the child to mom to carry despite the person saying that she was drunk. They all heard a loud thunk and the child wailing loudly. Grandma was bending over trying to pick him up again while niece quickly dashed in and grabbed him. MIL, tried to take him back apologizing. Niece refused. She will no longer leave her son alone with MIL because her drinking is getting worse.
One does not know what went on behind closed doors of your neighbor and her daughter.
Margeaux~I'm too much the introvert to allow this woman to be part of my daily life outside of work. Working with her is all I can handle most days.
Hugs to everyone, hope you are not in the freezing zone!!
My husband & I brought over clean laundry and groceries to tide her over through this rough deep freeze we've been having here in MN. No "hello", no "thank you". It will just be easier if I run down everything in a list format. Some of this I know you've heard yourselves and can chuckle at. I put the comments that I said to myself in my head in brackets, but I didn't bother to say them out loud! Enjoy!
1. Your hair is too short. Why do you cut it so short - it looks like a boy. [I have hot flashes and prefer short hair, but I do not look like a boy!!] You look awful with that haircut.
2. Why do you have on a new coat [It's not new.] I don't have a new coat. I had a better coat than yours in NC but you wouldn't let me bring it. You said I had to leave it there because it wouldn't fit on the truck, but that's not the first time you lied to me. You just didn't want me to have it up here so it wouldn't be better than yours! [What the what?]
3. I'm out of poise pads. You need to bring me the super long overnight ones next time [which is the only kind I ever bring...] I hate these ones I have to use now. They don't work worth a damn and I'm just wet wet wet all the time. It goes up my back. [Especially when you don't change them and dont' get out of your recliner, which she is perfectly capable of doing.]
4. Bring me some more of those depends pull ups too. And those good night sticky sheets [that ruin everything they touch, but so be it...] I don't have enough quilts on my bed at night and my feet are cold and when I wet the bed I'm cold. [because the pull ups aren't the right brand or size for her, but she won't use the Tena super-duper high capacity ones that would keep her dry.]
5. Bring me my mother's quilts to put on my bed. I need to see where they are. [These quilts are antique from the 40s and so fragile. They are in my home, and going nowhere, especially not anywhere they could be peed on.] Mom - you have 5 quilts on the bed already... I don't care it's not enough. I want more so when I pee I'm still warm. [Groooossss!!]
6. That's not the orange juice I wanted [Yes, it is.]. I hate this stuff you brought me last time [Also what she asked for]. Take it away, it's too sweet and runs up my sugar. I want some orange juice that isn't so sugary. [She won't water it down.] Bring me apple juice too, but not one that will run up my sugar!! [Whoever invents this will make a fortune...]
7. I don't want to eat in the dining room anymore. That food is slop. It has no flavor and none of it tastes like anything. I don't know how you expect me to stay here and eat that slop. It's slop for pigs. You lied to me and said it would be good but it's just awful. Everybody says so. Nobody is eating down there anymore. [Except for the 35 people I saw in there on my way past....] Bring me something good. I'm not going down there again. I have to sit with these crabby old ladies down there and I don't like them and I don't like that slop. One of them [the old ladies] keeps asking me what day it is all the time and I'm going to fix her next time if she doesn't stop!
8. You won't take me to get my glasses adjusted. They ain't never been right since you made me get them [Her old glasses were broken, so I took her to pick them out herself, she loved them, and has gotten compliments on them.] I didn't want these but you wouldn't take me anywhere else to look so I guess I'm stuck with them even though they don't work right. I'll be stuck with that just like I'm stuck here in this hell hole prison. You got me trapped up here just like you planned and now I can't get out to do anything. [The door to this senior apartment building is open. If she wanted to go outside and not come back, she could. She won't even go out to activities around the corner on her floor, or to the beauty shop on site. Who is trapping who here?]
9. Come here and look at this rash. Look at it. Look - see, it's getting worse. It itches all the time and is about to drive me crazy. [There is no rash. None of us can figure out what it is, but she has prescription anti-itch cream. She's been tested for scabies, but the doctors are stumped. This is where she starts taking her shirt off right in front of my husband! Look away honey! Save yourself! ] Look on my back! See where it's getting worse. See on my head. Bring me lice shampoo so I can get these bugs off me. [There are no lice or any other bugs. She has sores she has scratched into her very thin skin, and she picks at those scabs all the time, so I'm sure when it is healing up, it is itchy which starts it all over again.] You don't care about this. You don't care . You have me stuck up in this prison with slop and I'm itching to death. You got it just like you want it but you better look out. Your day is coming. Your Day Is Coming young lady. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Blah blah blah blah......
I made a run for it at that point. I had a long day at work, two teenagers with teenager problems, and I just didn't have it in me to stay. So I left. My husband was right behind me. I didn't even look back. She is safe in a beautiful facility where people know who she is and care about her, in spite of her thorns. Her meds are prepared for her, she has food to eat, clean clothes to wear, and that is all I can do. Am I glad I don't have to put up with all that in my face at home all the time? 100% yes 100% of the time. I'd be insane if she was still living with me!
It was at this point I had finished putting the groceries away in her fridge, and was about to pass out from the room being at max heat. It had to be over 80 in there. My husband had gathered up the little bit of dirty laundry, which makes me wonder where on earth the rest of it really is for the week.
That sounds soooo good, a lavendar bath!
You've inspired me. I'm going to scub down my tub, and do a much needed salt bath. Yes it's a New Year, and maybe these are the things we need to remind ourselves to do for ourselves.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
No, I've lived right next door to my neighbor for quite some time. Last year, she had two out patient procedures done, one being a venous surgery on her two legs. This required several visits to the hospital, plus follow up. Well, I and another friend of hers took her to all these appts. I understand, that her very busy daughter, possibly can't do some of this since she works full time. But I've witnessed a total lack of concern for her mom. During the recuperation time during these procedures, the daughter didn't come by, nor call. This has been consistent behavior by her daughter, since I've known my neighbor.
Yes, she can get on my nerves, but I do detach. I do care very much for her also.
She's a vulnerable type of person, having survived WWII, in Holland.
So long as I separate out what's happening, I'm o.k. It's the ying and yang about life.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Iwentanon, sorry know it hurts to be rejected, but when it's rejection from your family somehow it goes deep. Just don't cover up your feelings about it what ever they are, that's what will hurt you in the long run. I've taken the pass 3 days off haven't spoken to either parent already feel better. Guardianship was filed today, I'm putting the explosion to come out of my mind. Took a hot lavender tub now I'm relaxing going to take care of myself today, I've given me permission to have comfort in my soul!
The funeral is this morning. I finally found the obit in the paper at the end of last week. G will come with me and we will drive home tomorrow. I am very thankful for his support.
The cold weather and wind chill followed me down here - just about as bad as at home, but it broke yesterday and today will go up to 23F. Balmy!!! But, it meant I stayed in the hotel when I was hoping to get out and around a little.
We enjoyed both shows . Elvis in the first one came and gave me a couple of hugs and said he had seen my sequins from the stage lol. (sequinned top). So yesterday I didn't wear sequins, but our table was right up against the stage. I got spotted and as part of the act the Elvis in that show (History of Rock and Roll) knelt down and kissed my hand, so I did well, and that kind of attention does make a lady feel good even if you know it is part of the act.
Chatted on the phone to the director of mother's ALF and had a very long chat with the health and wellness coordinator, Laura. We all are on the same page and think mother's executive functions are deteriorating. They are not impressed with her being assessed competent and say you need to see her for more than a few hours to be able to do a proper assessment.
H2H - good to see you here and looking at making a decision that is good for you. We knock ourselves out doing things for people who don't appreciate what we do and only see negatives... Someone else can look after them and get the negatives.
judda -no more FOG - good for you
iwentanon - that is dysfunctional for sure -but any port in a storm, They will always find a reason to blame you
Sharyn, Margeaux, Austin, anyone I have missed - more later. Need to get ready for the funeral. Wish me luck.
Everyone - do something good for you today. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
WOW! Just when one thinks the dysfunction is bad enough, it gets even worse!
I'm really happy to hear that you have detached, and can really see it for what it is,
congratulations for that!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
My mother while at my Aunts (her sister) house, (Aunt celebrating her 50 wedding anniversary went from restaurant to home) decided this was the perfect setting, to announce to me, that I was not in a good place, POA because I did not envelope something, I did not know existed.
Q: What is this juicy tidbit, you might ask, that exclude and eluded me almost all of my life?
A: I didn't fulfill her fantasy (my judgement call) of not knowing my father...
I was 12 by the time (my mother and 2nd dad) they married and can remember things far back...
My younger sister who was three at the time of the divorce has no recollection of my father and only acknowledges, the second father, as her only father, our birth father has been excessively shunned from being the parent he could have been by our mother, but that was her choice.
So because I cannot fulfill her fantasy (of acknowledging one father, but have always acknowledged both my fathers) how could I have ever known something like this existed, since all three of us, girls were fathered by the same man) that I was stripped of being her daughter???
Just when you think the dysfunction isn't enough, you find out the reason for the dysfunction doesn't even make any sense...
Welcome to this thread. This has got to be more than rough.
As you said, it is the New Year. So maybe you need to make some major changes, around your situation. Please don't let her treat you like a doormat.
So she gambles? I find that many times people who like this kind of activity have other addictions, which also may make matters worse.
Anyway, do come back and share more about your story. We are here to support you.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I completely agree with Austin about being sure you are not her only best friend.
On the one hand, it's apparent you sympathize with her. But she is your co-worker, and from your description it sounds as if her personal problem of being more pro-active about her own life is affecting her attitude where work is concerned. Whose being affected? You, and other co-workers. So you may want to make that like your mantra.
You know this neighbor I've written about, falls into this category. She lives alone, and has a daughter who lives and works close by. Daughter and her grand daughters are very unconcerned about my neighbor, especially when she's really needed some kind of personal attention, with some health issues.
She went on a real drinking binge during Christmas. One day, we'd gone to the store together, and she bought about 8 bottles of wine, saying they were for Christmas gifts. She invited me for a glass that evening, and I accepted. Well,
she just about finished the whole bottle. Next day, I went over there.....and she'd gone through 2 bottles in one night. It's was then, I decided that I am no longer going to give her as a gift anymore wine, because she really has a problem.
I haven't seen her much last few days. But last night my husband tells me that apparently a mirror on a door she has which was pretty large, broke. It's unclear to me, according to how my husband explained it to me, how this happened. When I discovered this out......I immediately thought, she must have been drinking when this happened. Anyway, she too doesn't take any kind of active steps, to join a senior center. She watches way too much tv, and it seems to be the time she decides to have her booze. She too has complained about her daughter's lack of involvement. Her daughter is a cold person, always working,
and isn't the warm and cuddly type. But yes, I do often wonder what that relationship is all about, given her mom's drinking habit. Anyway, my point is that I think every one of us needs to be responsible about our own happiness. I used to hang out more w/this lady, as in helping her driving her to local stores. But on account of the drinking, her moods sometimes are too much for me to deal with.
She also likes to become a back seat driver in my car, something I really dislike.
One day it just about became a discussion that I SHOULD have gone left, onto a street since SHE thought this would be faster. Mind you, we still were not done w/the shopping trip that day. I became bold, and asked her, "Who's driving?"
I then told her too, that I didn't like being told where and how to drive. Heck this a damn favor to this lady, she's having eye problems, which compromises she being able to do it for herself.
Anyway, be very aware too that sometimes even if we who choose to do these good deeds, isn't any guarantee it will be met with, as in your case, the reciprocal effect of she being more dutiful on the job, instead of trying to recruit everyone else to pick up her slack.
Nowadays, I try to be very choosy about who I want to call friend.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
Wow, your guest was a piece of work!! With my big mouth, I probably would have said something to let her know I was of Latino heritage. How you kept from saying something shows great strength on your part. My son had a gf once who would make remarks to me,"your spinach dip is very good but the grocery store has one that tastes just like it, why spend the money on all the ingredients when you can get it ready made?" I wanted to slap her a few times. If people actually heard how they sound to other people, I think they would be so humiliated. I hope you don't have to entertain these guests again.
The woman I work with, I am debating whether she is a true narcissist or just very lonely. She was great last night, went out of her way to help which is what we all do when we close. Sometimes I feel like me or whoever she is working with is basically doing her work for her because she gets in these slumps where she just doesn't push herself too much at all. Last night, she was talking about if she had a job where she got off work by 5pm and had traditional days off,....what would I do with myself once I got home?? I have no one to go home to. Well of course this broke my heart for her because I remember when I was very lonely back in my 30's even though the kids where still young. I wanted companionship from my husband so I can understand where she is at but I still have to keep some boundaries there because it would be very easy to get overly involved with her trying to fill that void in her life. I suggested she do like I have done by crafting,etc. Maybe if she and I have a day off together, I will suggest we go out to some thrift stores but not make a habit of it with her. I ordered some sage from Amazon, this co-worker and another wanted some so I ordered 3 packages of it.
The dr. said I have bursitis in my knee. It does cause the same symptoms I have been having. He said to use motrin, knee pads whenever I have to get down on the floor on my knees for any type of work and ice packs. If it should get worse, I will go back.
I have to agree about the insurances. My insurance won't cover anything but generic meds....what if I need a new drug for some ailment? Am I out of luck, or just go in debt paying $300 co-pay on it if it is long term?
Hugs to you and enjoy the weekend.
I wanted to say more about your co-worker, and I got off on a tangent, w/my issue,
sorry.
This is quite bad the way you are describing her, with this habit of telling you to get things.......because you're on your way towards a certain direction. I can understand when someone does this every now and again, but if it's like a habit they have.....no less you work with her. Definitely sounds as if there are some power plays at work with this one.
I haven't seen this program, that you mentioned. I am interested in all kinds of history. I've been doing some reading on this subject, cross referencing religions.
I'll have to have a look, don't know whether my service accesses this channel.
I hope you get to see what is going on with your knee. This whole insurance fiasco.
They make us believe that things are going to work out on this end. This does not address at all, how expensive some procedures are, and really? There are still IMO, too many rules re: insurance so that health needs just become inaccessible.
O.K., I'll get off my political soap box.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This is terrible this situation with the co-worker.
She does sound like a narcissist.
Last night I was dealing with one too! I cooked dinner for 6 people last night.
My husband wanted to do this for especially a couple who is visiting from out of town. The husband is very intelligent, the wife too. But, here comes the BUT.
She is sooooooo pushy about how she approaches conversations with people.
Highly opinionated! You'd think that her opinion is like law. So yesterday, she repeatedly interrupted her husband, to edit, question and then give her interpretation of why her husband was saying certain things. But it was amusing how politely he ook the reigns of the conversation right back, and even went so far as to tell her to let him tell HIS story.
I made eggplant from scratch, which requires lots of prep, since I drain the slices of water. Then I made a sauce w/some ground beef, and layered this with cheese between layers. Her husband is a vegetarian.....so had to make a separate one for him, only. So sometime during the course of the evening, she mentioned how great the eggplant ready made up at a local chain store are real good. I thought this comment a bit on the rude side.
Later, before she left.....she managed to make a racist comment about Latino women, because her 39 yr. old son, apparently got taken advantage of by a Latino girlfriend, which involved marriage, and he naively becoming the legal parent of a kid, not his. So, she went as far as to say, "This experience w/my son has given me the impression that all Latino women come to this country to in other words, take advantage of people and the system." This is my culture,
and she's African American. When she said this, my hairs stood on end.
But our other friend jumped in, and reminded her that it's not only a Latin thing, etc. But I couldn't wait for her to leave.
Other than that, it was a good evening, just wish she'd not been there,
and no......I really don't know this woman. Truth be told, I think I know about as much as I would like to.
She must be a narcissist, too!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux