The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Shivaya,

I'm of the firm belief that in difficult situations as yours, once we are willing to allow all those negative emotions stare us straight in the face, like fear, the unknown, etc., but we still stare right back at it, and as you've done......you're just not allowing your mother's actions to rule your world. So in essence this is what many psychologists, and spiritual teachings mean when they talk about taking our power back.

I sure wish my sister could have had this attitude when she was in charge of our mom's sister. She was real bad!!! She threatened so many times, about calling the police on my sister, myself and other caregivers. But unfortunately, my sister who is a control freak, found it more important to play tug of war with this battle ax, (my name for her). She died 2 yrs., ago. I used to hear about the fights she and my sister had, blow by blow. My sister's need for drama, didn't help, and made matters unbearable. One last time when I heard from her the battle ax was making this threat, I told my sister, "You ought to tell her, to go right ahead and call them." Really, my aunt's abuse had become so bad, and inclusive of outsiders, like even the neighbors, by telling them she was being abused by my sister, and the hired CG's, which wasn't true in any way, shape or form! She was such a liar, when she didn't get her way! But my point is.....we can choose to become an adversary, or we can take the bull by the horns. Besides, when a rebellious elder gets to this point, I personally think it better that some of this becomes documented.

Anyway, I'm learning by using some meditations, and release of lots of things that can be spiritually toxic to we, the people who need to stay healthy to deal with much of this. It's important!

I'm very happy that we have a new member of our thread, who thinks this way!

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

New2Dementia,

You and your brother are doing the best one can do.
Within the parameters of what is going on in your situation, I don't think it's wrong for you to take consolation in the fact your mom doesn't remember especially about whether she can continue to drive. I can totally understand this.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Oh, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I am relatively new to the caregiver situation. I was taking care of her transportation and getting out to socialize needs for several years, from my own place. I moved in with her at her request a little over a year ago. That was one of the few mistakes I've made recently regarding mom. There have been no new or unexpected tricks out of her bag since I was a kid. ::chuckle:: She will snarl, pout and play the sufferer for a day or 3 and her attitude will change when there is something she wants to or go somewhere. It is still painful or frustrating for me sometimes, but mostly I just wait it out and do what I want or need to do for me. She still can't accept that I am no longer afraid of her anger, threats etc. Part of my role has been to protect her from her actions. The incident with the police should never been one to guard her from of in the past. Has she learned anything from this, I doubt it, however, I found it freeing.

Oh, I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I am relatively new to the caregiver situation. I was taking care of her transportation and getting out to socialize needs for several years, from my own place. I moved in with her at her request a little over a year ago. That was one of the few mistakes I've made recently regarding mom. There have been no new or unexpected tricks out of her bag since I was a kid. ::chuckle:: She will snarl, pout and play the sufferer for a day or 3 and her attitude will change when there is something she wants to or go somewhere. It is still painful or frustrating for me sometimes, but mostly I just wait it out and do what I want or need to do for me. She still can't accept that I am no longer afraid of her anger, threats etc. Part of my role has been to protect her from her actions. The incident with the police should never been one to guard her from of in the past. Has she learned anything from this, I doubt it, however, I found it freeing.

Broken,

I was reading what you posted about 3 days ago. It was very beautiful, and thanks for sharing this.

My mother while we were young was very demanding of my sister and me.
Yes, she was verbally abusive, and knew how to play one person against another, and all of what is described within narcissism. I too, as a kid into early teenage wished, and hoped to see a loving mother. But one day it just hit me, actually I'd probably had these moments over and over again since I was very young, and had not noticed them. But all of these moments added up to that day, when I knew in my mind, that this is who she really was, no matter the reasons, or diagnosis'.

I think that in this if we are trying to take the spiritual journey, it's more beneficial for everyone concerned, especially you, that we just don't expect much of them. This may not sound easy, but believe me....the more one takes on this attitude, the more manageable it becomes. I'm not sure what your mom has, e.g.,
Dementia, Alz, or some other mental disorder. So, as I've often tried to quell my sister's desire for mother to show more appreciation, acknowledgment......and mom just doesn't in many instances go there. I have had to remind her over and over again, that I really think some of this comes also from (our case Alz), and mom is 92. There's a part of my sister that doesn't like hearing this from me, either because she lives w/mom, I don't. However, I do visit and relieve for caregiving. Anyway, certainly changing your perspective as to how you view your mother could help. But about telling her you want to go away, definitely these are boundaries, you may want to start putting in place with her.

Stay strong,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Shivaya~Moving out would be the best thing for your mental health and self-esteem. If you have to save up for a deposit on an apartment, do so. In the meantime, check out this website for information on detaching with love and setting boundaries...daughtersofnarcissisticmothers Keep seeing your counselor. Come here to vent. Hugs to you!!

Shivaya would you be able to leave her house and go elsewhere-just you telling her that you want to leave may wake her up-she needs you and and as long as she can not see this she will not change-it is working for her -she has her slave and thing just the way she wants it and does not have to give an inch on her side-if you can not leave learn to detach-try not to respond she wants to fight I am sure-try turning away as if her words can not hurt-the last trip we took with Mom she yelled at me all the time but could be so nice to others-they thought she was the sweetest little old lady-one time I just did not respond and said to myself she has no power over me-I am taking my power back-what a freeing thing that was-I did the same with the husband also before he passed away detatching lets you step away -I use to tell myself I do not deserve this treatment and you do not deserve it-these people think they can treat you badly because you are not going anywhere-you may have to use the nursing home card-maybe it is time for you to go into a nursing home where you will get the care you think you need-that may be enough to wake her up-the sky will not fall if you stand up for yourself-and believe me it gets easier very fast-when she spouts off walk away-that will make her think-good luck to you.

Thanks, Sharynmarie......it's quite the journey. My counselor has been telling me to move out along. "I want you out of my house" is what I hear every time she gets angry over any number of things, wrong or invented. I'm stubborn and have been resisting the idea. Finally accepting the idea that I am not wanted, ever, and never really was is the most painful part of this whole deal. Yesterday was a real wakeup call, so I will be thinking hard and long while looking at options for both of us. It may take some time, but she will get what she wants.

Shivaya~You handled that very well. My suggestion is to continue to let your mother call the police, let her continue to tell them she wishes she were dead. Your mother got the attention she wanted at the ER. Next suggest a phych evaluation. You called her bluff and keep doing it, eventually the police and hospital will turn it over for a phych evaluation. Your mother won't find an evaluation so much fun when she has to stay for a week or more as they evaluate her mental state and start her on meds to control her behavior. The good part is the meds will probably help her if you can keep her on them.

P.S. I've learned to detach from my mother's narcissist behavior amplified by her progressing Dementia, but have periods where I react and get angry, however they are few compared to the beginning.
The holiday's have been historically dysfunctional and a depressing time for me. The elephant always in the room and my mom pretending like nothings growing up---the holiday's HAD to continue in her eyes.
So...by brother & I are learning that there is only so much we can do, and some things we just have to let go. We just do the best we can. And because both of our lives are on hold as we are both taking more time to figure out a system that works for him and myself as we are the caregivers until our mother will tolerate a aide to come in. It's impossible right not as it just cause her to become combative. As long as she thinks she's running the show...things are relatively ok.
Driving is STILL an issue. She brings it every few weeks and makes comments to her friends that she will be driving again in the New Year (SIGH)
She refuses to go to her primary care doctor and goes to another doctor (one of her primary doctor's colleagues). She says her primary doctor that she LOVED and referred all of her friends to was brainwashed by me over her illness and everything is my fault because I told him she's sick etc.
She has no recollection of being hospitalized and being diagnosed with the acute UTI, suffered a TMI/TMA, almost went in to renal failure and was diagnosed with Dementia (that was underlying but masked by my mother over the past 3 years).
I'm trying to let go of this as she will never remember what happened. My father says her friends know the real situation and not to worry about her talking negatively about me.
Her sister (who also has Dementia) is still a problem. I no longer communicate with her. I often have to block her telephone number when she tells my mother to find another Dr. that will let her drive and that she does not need me or my brother her and that she should be paying her own bills. We find when my mother's sister is not "stirring the pot" with her phone calls, things are SO PEACEFUL! My mother will call her sister from time to time, but since they both don't remember a think. The call blocking seems to be working. I only block it when things have gotten totally out of control and my aunt has worked my mother up to the point where it's unbearable for me and my brother to deal with.
I hate to say this, however, knowing she is probably not going to remember things from day to day (sometimes hour to hour) helps when she's had an episode about her driving or paying bills.
Thanks for letting me vent and I hope these post help some of you.
We are not alone.

Hi All,
I haven't posted in a while. As we all are, I've been overwhelmed with my dysfunctional family and dealing with my mother's progressing Dementia.

Although our situations are different. The holiday's seems to be stressful on those of us dealing with Dementia/Altz and other age related diseases/issues.
The period between Thanksgiving and New Years are very stressful for me on top of being my 78 year old mother, who suffers from Dementia, full time caregiver. My brother and I just go through the motions. It's not a very pleasant time but my mother insists on decorating etc. Going through the motions, setting boundaries, detaching (with love) when necessary, are things I had to do to take care of me.
It's hard when you see other's and commercials "bragging" (if you will) over how wonderful the holiday's are.
All I can say is THANK GOODNESS THEY ARE ALMOST OVER! Once the holiday decorations are down and it's Jan 2, I will feel a huge relief.

Man, can I relate to dysfunction and other issues being discussed. Today, I had the pleasure of having my mom call the police to our house. Fortunately, the police assessed the situation very well, and I was not hauled away in handcuffs. :chuckle:: Mom is the one with abusive tendencies. She will escalate very quickly if she gets caught in a lie or can't have her way. She will lie if the truth doesn't serve her agenda, bully or physically attack. This was the first time I didn't cajole or plead with her to not call the police. This is all a result of my placing boundaries for myself and for her. She told the police she wished she was dead. That resulted in a firetruck and EMS ambulance pulling up and she was whisked away for a suicide assessment. She had a grand time regaling the police and hospital staff with her charm (reserved for practically anyone else but me) and life story. I didn't know what else to do so I went to the usual Friday lunch with my best friend. Got home, received a call from the hospital, answered the social workers questions and was told that mom was released, and to come and pick her up. She is healthy enough for going on 90, on no meds and has no disabilities other than age. She refuses to go to the doctor, won't allow strangers (health aids or other help in her home, unless she's bored and wants to talk). ::whrrrrrr:: What now? I know I have some hard thinking to do.

Margeaux~Thank you, I don't really get depressed on this day, I do have lots of memories that flood my mind though.

I can't get in to the dr. until next Friday. It was better this morning but is now starting to hurt again, too late to call off now.

Gotta go, have a good day everyone!!

I spent Christmas at the Pick Wick theatre restaurant,
tried to see a movie but ours was sold out,
and others were too late, did not see other people but our 86 year old and her son.
Ate pie at bakers square for dessert and had a nice long drive in the car until bed time.
What peace...none of her other children....

Joan I am so sorry about your friend and she has been spared possible dementia-God is in control. My Christmas was great-I had so many years of bad ones-this one was a blessing spending it with C. one sad thing was my brothers health-it does not look good-my sister was going to visit him -the first new grandchild was going to visit but my brother may be too sick so I am trying to arrange something last mininte-taking them out to dinner on Sunday.

Sharynmarie,

I know it's been a stressful time for you.
Well, it is good to hear that your sister is o.k., with this decision and her work.

I'm really thinking about you today, I go through the same thing also when it's dad's anniversary of his passing, which is coming up in March.
Really happy for you that your mom seemed calm during Christmas.

Oh.....my sister! I'm done analyzing her! I know what's there, and that's that!
I just have to be alert not to get swept up into that melodrama.

Hope your knee improves, this must be very painful.
You're in my thoughts!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Juddabuddah,

Welcome. I absolutely love what you have written.
I personally love the Paramahansa and Buddha's teachings.
It is important that we hopefully approach life with some kind of spiritual practices.
I too use some meditational techniques for dispersing negative energies.
I didn't use this in the past, and must admit that it helps to center me, when I'm feeling scattered about life.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom,
Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Emjo,

Yes, I couldn't understand why my sister would decide to take mother to our brother's house, everybody being sick. But I have written about this inordinate need on my sister's behalf.......that she'll bother to drive mom to both our brother's homes. They as far as I know see her less than I do. So my sister will accommodate them. I don't say this either, because I expect my sister to bring mom to my place, but i't's just an interesting observation I make in the overall picture of things as to how my sister relates to me vs. my brothers where mom is concerned.

I was talking to an older cousin who has been close to our family. She reminded me, that aside from my sister being the ultimate control freak, she has a martyr complex too. It is really important for her to put out all the smoke about her martyrdom. What a heavy role she has chosen for herself!

This made me laugh, that G's eyes light up when it comes to a turkey.
My husband's eye's lit up, when he saw me preparing the roast. My little carnivore. Well, you served as an inspiration.....with your stories about dissecting that moose! HAAH! That was hilarious.

O.K., Emjo get better, I'm slowly coming out of mine too, finally!

Hugs,
Hang in there!
Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks, Emjo. I've learned a lot from you. You tend to bring up info often. I remember thinking FOG did not apply to me when I first read it from you a while back. The same applied for setting boundaries. I just didn't pay attention. Then, I think, I reached the stage when I became aware what FOG truly meant. And I spent HOURS backspacing trying to find your comments on it! The same applied with setting boundaries. Now, I know better. When you find something useful, and post it here, I just automatically cut/paste it to my Files with the weblink for faster finding. Every time I post here of my bad memories, I get really really depress. I regretted posting such personal info. I should have just kept it within..especially the one with father going to choke me. Out of sight, out of mind, bury it deep and not think about it....

Overwhelm,

Welcome to the thread.
You have been given some terrific advice from Emjo.
What I'm noticing from your post, is the fact that it appears you ask permission from your mother. May I so politely suggest that you try another approach. Of course if your mother and this husband of hers, are so demanding,
and they get the feeling you ask them for permission, they will continue to do this.
Setting some boundaries is very important, and then you do have to stick to them.
It's important, or try making it important enough to comb your hair. These things while, we may think we'll get this done after we've made lunch for mother, tended to her spoiled husband, etc., then before you know it, it's five hours later, and you realize you haven't combed your hair, no......this is not the way to go.
You do need to make this a priority for yourself. Never feel that other's needs prevail over yours, especially the basics.
Is there any way, that you could look into some other type of arrangement concerning your mom's care? According to your description, the current one doesn't sound reasonable, and you may want to consider doing something to that end, before it escalates any further.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Food for thought: Life's problems come and go, but too often we take on someone else's drama when what we need to do is detach with love and walk away. Lisa K. Fox

Welcome to the posters. I hope to catch up more next week. I am sorry for all of you who had/have so much stress leading up to Christmas and following it. It really is sad that families just can't understand that spending time together is more important than where it takes place, who is doing the cooking,etc. Some of you have situations that are more difficult than what is listed, I am sorry for that as well.

My niece will not know anything new until next week.

The way I understand my sister's situation with work is that her being fired is a formality so she can access her 401K. Then they rehire her as a part-time employee. She seems happy about doing it this way and I hope it works for her in the long run.

Shopping with sis went ok. Work called wanting me to come in earlier than 4pm. I agreed to coming in at 1pm. It ended up rushing my sister too much because she is so slow. I was not much faster really, LOL!!...my right knee is very painful today. I may not go in tomorrow if it is not better, using ice tonight. The pain is not an ache associated with arthritis, it is a random shooting pain from my knee up to middle thigh. It happens depending on how I move my leg or knee. This is why I think it may be a torn meniscus. Enough complaining about pain.

Joan, you sound positive about your friend passing, I know it still hurts but knowing she is in a better place is good. I probably will not get out to the cemetery until Monday. I want to copy and paste your poem on Facebook.

Margeaux, I can understand your confusion with your sister wanting to take your mother over to your brother's house with the flu going full force. What is she thinking??

Love and hugs to everyone!!

Hi judda - yes, we have to be responsible for ourselves. Ongoing forgiveness is part of it and with people with mental/emotional problems we also have to be self protective. We do have some negative emotions in response to the challenges, we are human, and have to keep working on them. Detachment takes continual work I find, but gets easier with practice. Acceptance of the other as they are is another work in progress. I like your analogue of the sweet spot in a tennis hit. I used to play tennis and hitting that spot is so satisfying - a good golf hit is the same and they are much more effortless. Yes, we are faced with challenges continually in this life. Sounds like your mother is narcissistic and as such will never be satisfied, nor can she stand anyone coming before her in your life. I am glad you are making a trip to friends. We all need that support. and break. You might find the site called daughtersofnarsissiticmothers helpful. Google that phrase and you will find it. It helped me and others to see the "games" that are being played, and then how not to engage in them. You do wonder how and why some people can make life so tough. My mother has to make a battle out of everything - it is her illness and makes her life and the lives of those around her very difficult. If I go away she has to create a crisis hoping I will come back and fix it. It is all about attention and being the center of the universe

Have a great time in Maine! (((((((hugs))))))

I am so glad I came across this site. I am reading all the topics and I feel my understanding widen. I think no matter what Mom has done, said, or whatever her mental problem is, I can still take charge of myself and keep trying to forgive and be as loving as I can. Most of the time I am tripping over my disappointment, resentments, and a whole slew of things I didn't think Juddabuddha had! I see there is an opportunity for creating as much love within as I can. Even if I am criticized, I have to learn that detachment. It's like he sweet spot in a tennis hit. Balance. Whew. What a challenge!

I am off to Maine tomorrow. Mom did not have her usual temper tantrum. Whatever happens is fine. I told her it was about work: which part of it is, but mostly it's about being with my loving friends. How odd that my mother can't stand the thought of my having loving friends or my being away from her, while when I am with her, she is almost anything but relaxed and loving! Gosh. How can humans make the beauty of loving and simplicity so tough?

thanks for sharing, judda. It is a spiritual journey for sure, as all life is. I have found that there can be a very fine line to walk between not allowing abuse and remaining available. It can be very difficult to negotiate. I know my God will not let me down either, and He has the answers that I seek.

Maybe these awful family situations have come to us for our own spiritual growth. Learning to untangle the FOG patterns, the abuse patterns, to develop inner strength and also compassion, learning to love your self without fear or shame, knowing you are not responsible for others happiness. You might influence them. You can learn not to throw fuel on their fire by being defensive and getting sucked into their negative behaviors. Silence is fine. I hold my soul and give myself a inner hug when I see the mental anguish of my mother. I cannot heal her. I can offer kindness. The hardest thing is to give up my desire to tell her all my hurt feelings.
I imagine an altar where I can bundle up all my negative feelings about my family. I can give it to God. He knows it doesn't belong to me. He burns it up for me and is unharmed. Do you have a photo of a spiritual person whose eyes are full of love? I look into Christ's eyes, or Paramahansa Yogananda, or any saint, and you will see your own wisdom and love there. It's all untouched, intact, and ever yours. And there is some strength in having it all to yourself in a way. Seems like God set it up so that inner peace cannot ever be fully shared with others. I find a lot of comfort in knowing there is one entity that will never let me down. My goal is to have more compassion for others and less concern for myself. But allowing others to use you, abuse you and so on is not right either. That defiles your inner spirit. That is what I believe in my present state of ignorance and today's wisdom.

Don't know why I am leaving such a space after some posts - will have to check in future. Still getting used to the new computer.

A little update on my mother. I sent her a nice flower arrangement and got three phone calls today. I let them go to voice mail. With my friend just having died, I just can't handle mother. I thought she would be complaining about the flowers, but she didn't mention them. Then I remembered something I read on DONM, I think, that if you do something for a narcissist, they immediately think you have "softened" and start demanding more things of you again. You know "Give them an inch and they take a mile", but I always say mother takes 10 miles. Mother insisted that she needs help with ordering her groceries and complained that the home care ladies do not prepare her food properly. She says they ask her what she wants them to do. I am sure they do this as she criticises them so much, and they may have been instructed to ask her what she wants. She has a shopper who is a very nice lady, and, since mother has been assessed as competent I think she is capable of drawing up a grocery list. Mother was hinting that she was having trouble with that. You can't have it both ways! Either she is competent or she isn't. Her area of incompetence is more emotional than intellectual. She says that in the place she wants to go they will draw up the list, do the shopping, do the cooking, and provide her with the food she needs. it makes a nice story, and I am the big bad wolf who is preventing her from getting this. I will call the manager at the place she want to move to and ask him details about the home care and provision of food. He said to me before that they hire an agency to do home care, so it likely is not much different to what she has now. Mother tends to hear what she wants to. Last week she said she had a unit in mid January - not so, not till many months later. I will also call mother's case manager regarding the food services she would get at this other place. If she keeps on saying I am not doing my job, I will suggest she find someone else to do it.

On another note, something about my friend has been on my mind. The last few times I spoke to her there was a subtle difference in her. It is hard to explain, but I felt that she was not as good cognitively. It was not much, and was in the higher functions - evaluation and planning. One things was that she arranged a time for us to meet, and I thought it would not work for her from something else she had told me about, but agreed as I thought she knew her schedule better than I did. Then she called me back some time later having realised that it wouldn't work, and we set another time. I have known her over 45 years, and that surprised me. She always kept a calendar with her events on it. On the last phone call we had, she said she only drove routes she was very familiar with in the city. Once, a couple of years ago, picking me up at her son's (my godson's) place she got lost on the way back to her place. She had been to her son's house before. It shocked me. She lived in that city nearly 50 years. I hadn't lived there for over 30 years, but I was the one who found the way out to more familiar streets.Then, I was thinking about why she did she choose to drive a 4 hour trip when the road conditions were so bad. She was one who watched the news and the weather reports like a hawk, and would never go far when the conditions were bad. It was totally unlike her to go on a long drive in bad conditions, and I mean very icy roads and freezing rain. She could have left it a day or two till the roads improved. All of this adds up to me that she was in the early stages of failing cognitively. All the more reason it was not a bad thing for her to pass on. I take some comfort from that. I have decided I will not drive the road south again. Not that I couldn't, especially in the better weather, but there are too many road idiots, to put it plainly, out there, and I don't want to take the chance. There are more and more accidents, and even though the highway is being twinned, a significant number of accidents are single vehicle ones or wildlife related. Twinning won't stop those.
The joys of living in the north and growing older. Take care all

Sharyn -so glad Christmas day worked out and that sil is going to counselling. Great that your mum was alright. Sil has a huge load to carry. Sorry about your sis being fired, but good they will rehire her. Sounds like some financial things are working out. Have fun with her at the sales. Will be thinking of you on Friday and your dad's anniversary. I know these days are hard. (((((((hugs)))))
Book - I found the concept of "FOG" very useful and still refer to it. cmag was the first one to introduce it here. Good info for overwhelm
cm - I have had so many sudden deaths with it is almost the norm for me, but still is shocking. Sorry about your family illness. I am sure it is hard for your mum to grasp. Hope you had a good Christmas and the new Year is good.
mollyj -welcome - and come and vent anytime. It does help. No doubt that your situation is wearing you down. It sounds like much too much. Can you arrange to have someone come in on the evenings/over night? Even if your husband will not go for counselling it would probably help if you do and he might come along after you start, though I wouldn't hold my breath. Might be worth talking to mil's doctor about another laxative that does not cramp. Many of us here have inconsiderate - to say the least - relatives. It does make things harder. I can sense that you are getting burned out. Please look into getting more help. Can you keep a record of the hours you put in after 4 and then show it to your husband and tell him you cannot continue? You must be able to get out in the evenings and do things for you sometimes and have some breaks in the evenings/nights. Do you and your husband have a date night or anything like that? A marriage or an individual so not do very well without some recreation - all work and no play... ((((((((hugs))))))))
overwhelm - you should take your own advise - definitely :) and then come back and tell us how you did
margeaux -yes that is the friend I have visited in E'ton. I have many good memories... and I shall miss our meals together. I know my son, and I think dil, understood. I canceled out of going to my daughter's today too as I have a cough that isn't going away fast enough, and I need to be OK to go to my friend's funeral. We have to look after ourselves. Never worry about misspelling - I am the cyber queen of typos! ;) Glad your husband was happy with the roast. Gary's eyes light up when I mention doing a turkey. "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach" - so true. I think you are very sensible to stay home with when you have a bug. That is part of the reason I didn't go to my daughter's. I don't want to give this to them, and I don't want to get anything they may have. There will be little children there - not just hers, and often kids have colds etc. Thankfully, my daughter was understanding and we had a great chat on the phone to catch up. I do not understand why your sis wants to take your mum to your brother's when everyone has a bug - doesn't make sense to me.
As always - take care of you. As caregivers, we tend to put others first and we need to put ourselves first sometimes to survive. (((((hugs))))))

I didn't want my previous post to get too long.
So, as I wrote my sister was apparently not functioning not even 85%.
She told me how stressed she felt given her plans she has w/her boyfriend on Christmas Eve, (dinner out). Then she was up super early, and when we were talking she said, she'd just finished cleaning up some ham glaze that had boiled over on the stove, and that the smoke detector had gone off.
So when I was on to the fact she was feeling under the weather also, I asked her when her daughters were leaving, so she could get some rest. She said to me, that "yes," she planned on doing that, and continued to complain about how everything.....including the previous night's dinner plans w/her beau, were too much, blah di blah. I had this conversation w/her at 8:20 a.m., yesterday.

So at 1:00 p.m., yesterday I received a call from my brother. He sounded terrible, said he was down w/a major flu, and his son also is currently having it. On the back of this comment, he informs me that my sister was going to go down there with my mom, so that he could see mom. This brother lives about 60 miles from them. I just don't understand my sister. She complains about doing and doing for her own kids, and everyone else. Here, she's feeling sick, and going to a household where they're under flu bug attack. I don't understand my brother either.
Why on earth would he want to receive my sister and mom, feeling this way? . But I know they get a lot of this dysfunctional thinking from my parents. It's as if these people are on automatic pilot, and do not give their behavior any thought at all. They must think I'm some kind of purist, compared to the way they think.

Margeaux

Book~Thank you. Usually I get through the 27th by working which I will be doing. Things are starting to settle down except for my brother and sil. They have a lot to deal with right now.

Off for some retail therapy, LOL!!