The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Thank you everyone, who encouraged me to do what I wanted to do, Assandache,
Gladimhere, Emjo and anybody else.
I have been quite spaced out the last few days, because I've had a bad sinus cold.
I didn't realize until I read here today, I'd forgotten to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, or happy holidays. I started to feel a little bit better, then my husband had the same symptoms.

So after I'd gone shopping last week, I came to the realization that it didn't look as if I was going to be up to go to this breakfast Christmas morning since I just wasn't feeling my best, and don't want to contaminate. When my husband started to feel it, which was Tues., I decided, that, "No, we just can't force the issue and go, to my moms." But......really I still wasn't up with my energy yet, and since we were staying here Christmas Eve, and Christmas, that meant I had to get a dinner plan going. So Tues., I had to push myself out the door to get some major groceries, because we were down to almost zero. After I hit about 3 stores, because they each have things I need, came home with a cross rib roast.
I've made roast a couple of times, but it's been quite awhile.

Now I basically did this, because even though my husband was under the weather, he's like a baby......he wanted something a bit special given the holiday!
Oh boy! This man is lucky that I do enjoy cooking. So I searched some recipes,
and techniques. Unfortunately, I had no time to marinade the meat. I cooked it at a lower temp in the oven, because this is why I have some hesitation when it comes to meat. Well, the flavor was good, the husband enjoyed it. But truth be told, I need to look further and try making this again, because for my taste, it was a bit dry. Honestly, now that it's two days later, don't ask me how I accomplished that feat, that day! But oh well! The husband was extremely happy. Actually,
this was like his Christmas gift, since I had no energy to go get his gift.

I waited, until Christmas Day too, in hopes I was feeling better so that I could go to my sister's breakfast. But yesterday, I called and just told her, I saw no point in going there with our bugs, and spreading this kind of cheer. She was quite o.k., w/this. Her voice sounded rather hoarse, and come to find out she'd had a touch of flu, and hasn't quite recouped from it.

I could hear it in her voice, she was totally stressed out, trying to accommodate this a.m. get together for her daughters and son in law, so they'd be freed up early for other invitations w/their father's. So this drives home the point also that for some of us, we must protect ourselves from just becoming robots to holiday expectations.

Hope everyone had a relatively mellow Christmas.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

Oh, I'm just not awake enough, need my 2nd cup of coffee, sorry for my misspellings.
Margeaux

Emjo,

I a so sorry for your loss. This must be the friend that you've written about that you've visited on ocassion, in Edmonton. You are so right about we just don't know how long we have on this planet. On that end best to bear in mind about reall appreciation and loving one another. I gave this much though this season.

It's understandable that you cancelled your dinner plans, and it sounds as if your son and DIL understand. I had to do something similar, and well.....
sometimes we do have to pay attention to how WE, are feeling and honor that!
O.K., Emjo....you and your's are in my thoughts.
May your friend's spirit soar very high!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

This is a very sad situation for you and all I think you need to step away and take care of yourself tell her family or your husband to take over or make arrangements for her to be looked after but I know the feeling of the guilt and I understand totally the need to vent I do too I have no one to vent too except here. I should be taking my own advise?

Today is the day, I think I can go no further. I am caring for MIL. Husbands' brother has long harbored resentment toward his only brother, and it couldn't be any clearer today.
My sister passed away in another state last year, and we needed someone to care for his mother while we were away. He said that this would be too disruptive in his life. He said initially that she couldn't live with him because his mother can be mean and difficult. He has two children , age 2 and 14.
As you can imagine, most of her care falls to me. I do have help during the day. She leaves at 4pm and then it is on me. I have never met a family this way. It is wearing me down because yes, she is difficult and mean and doesn't want to face the fact that she is in decline. Most nights are filled with constipation issues. She cries when stomach cramps from laxatives, but cries when she cant go to the bathroom. It is the medication, but she has to be on these meds, so it is a vicious cycle.
I am beat. Not sure how long, when husband does not validate my complaints of tiredness. His response is "I am in there a lot too1". NOT POSSIBLE, BUT it IS HIS MOTHER. She did not give me life. can't get him to seek counseling.
I am trying to get to the point, where my every waking hour is a plan to get out of this house and this state. I have not family here , so I really feel isolated.
It helps to vent.
Christmas has come and the brother did not bring her grandchildren to see her. It is more than I can take sometimes!!!

You turn your back for one day, just one day - and the whole scene changes round. Emjo, I'm so sorry about your friend. What a horrible, shocking thing to happen. It is a tribute to you that yet again you are able to see clearly how to roll with it and stay upright. I'll try to have faith that you're right, she had a quick, painless passage and is now in a good and peaceful place.

Aunt in hospital, cousin in Holland and his own son just admitted to hospital with mystery infection, my mother taking long and many circular conversations to absorb the news, phone ringing off the hook (sister asking by text why I'm blocking the line)… Whatever, it'll all come out in the wash. Well that's Christmas done, just the New Year to get through.

Wishes for peace, happiness and progress to everyone xxx

Sharyn, I know how close you were with your father. 10 years. {{HUGS}}

Overwhelm! Wow, your name matches your situation. I totally agree with Emjo. Can you copy and paste her words? Re-read it over and over for encouragement. It is soooo true about FOG – Fear, Obligation and Guilt. My father is an expert in that. And we verbally clash all the time.

Fear – he would tell me that I have NO WHERE to go. If I had, I would not be living at home. And sometimes, he would physically hit me. It got so bad – before he had his stroke – he was moving up with the violence. This time, he was going to choke me. I saw his clawed hands aiming for my throat, and I turned my body sideways, threw my right arm back with a fist, stared at him as he came rushing towards me. I tell you, my terrible fear of father faded as I got ready to throw my whole body into that punch and then to RUN out of the house. Hell, he’s taller than me and weighs double mine. I’m no fool to think that I can beat him in fight. Hit and Run was my strategy.

Obligation – Yeah, yeah, they’re our parents and we must take care of them in their old age. (That is why they had so many children – quoting him.)

Guilt – “You are a Bad Daughter!” I used to cry hard when he used this for several years. And I believed it. Then I found this site. I learned sooo much. Finally – accidentally – found out how to Detach – just recently. Father and I no longer have our famous yelling match. I give him 2 choices. (Too many confuses him. And he takes much longer to try to figure out each of it. Faster to just offer 2 choices.) He choose. If he doesn’t want it but HIS way.. too bad. I walk away. Not my problem. No more begging, etc…

Sis does EVERYTHING he wants. He tells her to jump, she jumps. And I see how he treats her. Like Dirt. If I thought he was rude to me, he is downright Hitler to my sister. And that’s why I soooo agree with Emjo. When I first found this site, I found sooo many great advice. I copied and pasted it on my notes. I have a FUNNY file (for funnies on this site) and ENCOURAGEMENT file (a lot of good info from Emjo) and CAREGIVER TIPS (like rashes, UTI, etc…)

We had a very quiet Christmas. My brother.,nephew and great nephew came over to visit with mom. My sil is going to get counseling to help her cope with everything. Torrow they will find out treatment options for my niece.

My sister has been fired...but will be rehired in 2 weeks. Her 401K has been rolled over into an IRA that she can draw from to suppliment the 20 hours a week. Her insurance will cost about $150 a month less than what she paid working full time.

Mom did well today. No problem when I took her back. Midget was with us which probably helped. Mom got stocked up on lots of candy so she was happy.

Sis and I are going to meet tomorrow to shop. Sis has a gift card from her employer she wants to use with the after Christmas sales.

Gotta go, its been a long emotional week and Friday will be 10 years since my dad passed away.

((((Hugs)))) to everyone!

thx book - I can almost hear her telling me she is so happy now and how nice it is, and she has no pain, and her husband and son are there and my Gordie and he is happy. She is just delighted.
no - I'm not going nuts - had this happen before a few times when people pass

Emjo, sorry about your friend. {{Hugs}}
Gladim, atleast you gave it a try. Next year, if daughter tries to do it again, you can honestly say, "No, I tried it your way last year. Too stressful and not enough understanding from my family. From this year forward, I will have my own small get-together with mom and hubby. You are invited, along with your siblings." And just leave it at that.

Hi Broken, Overwhelmed. At work at the moment...taking a peek here. Will have time to read slowly when I get home. You all take care. xmas is almost over - for you all.

glad - I sure understand that it was stressful -good that you will not put yourself in that position again. Your sibs hardly deserve any consideration, with their behaviour towards you. Hope next year is better. My daughter and one dil will not be in the same room together. We work around it. I don't want anyone stressed out - least of all me. I would love it if we could all get together and enjoy it, but that is not reality - so gotta work it out somehow and we do. ((((((hugs))))))

Emjo, yes I survived, but it was so extremely stressful. Will never put myself in that position again! Sisters be damned, as well a daughter who acted as if she would be so hurt if I attended. My son and wife were going to come here, and I think my other daughter would have as well. But I sure do not want this kind of dysfunction entering their relationships, the main reason I went is so they would be together.

Overwhelm - a big hug and welcome - sounds like you are in a bad situation. I don't think for a minute that you are having a pity party. You sound burned out and that you are being manipulated my your mum and her husband. There is nothing wrong with you talking to relatives, Sounds like you have to set some boundaries and stick to them. Some people are very self centered and have been all their lives, and some get very self centered when they get older. Either way you have to look after yourself. They use, FOG - fear, obligation and guilt to get others, and want others to jump and ask "How high" on the way up. These people are narcissists and you can never do enough to please them. Decide for yourself what is reasonable for you to do, and do it but don't be guilted into doing more. Your siblings certainly could pitch in. Your mum is very lucky to have you come from a distance to help. With people like her often you have to give alternative - like, Mum I will be going away, and I am hiring this caregiver or that caregiver - take your choice, but either way I AM going away. If she throws a fit, so be it. Stick to your guns.You are not responsible for keeping her happy -she probably never will be anyway. You only need to see that she is safe, fed, clean and so on. You do not have to cater to her whims and tears or her husbands. Maybe time to stand up and say what you will and will not do. Take some hours each day for yourself no matter what they say. You need and deserve that. Look after your hair and so on. In my view what you are doing wrong is catering to them too much and not looking after yourself enough. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I don't mean it that way, but they are expecting far too much of you, and only you can put a stop to doing so much for them. With some people the more you do for them, the more they expect from you. Of course, you can have a phone conversation with your relatives. They are being very demanding and unkind to you. Set some limits on your availability and come back and let us know who you are doing. Give yourself a break. ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) Joan

glad - thank you. It is always harder losing people around holidays. She was a most positive person who could find good in anything, so I am hanging onto the good in this, She did not suffer and she is reunited with her husband and oldest son. However, I will miss her especially when I go to E'ton, We regularly had meals together when I was there. I am going to feel a bit lost there now. We shared so much history. The older you get the less people around who are part of your past. But, you know, I like young people, and I just have to go in that direction. She will be missed by many.
I see you survived the dreaded family gathering. I know the feeling. I was like that for my mother's 100th. I hope there isn't another large get together like that ever again.

broken - I love what you wrote. Yes we have to hug that little girl inside and tell them that we love them, but their mother is not able. I find that many times when I planned special things for mother they fell apart. Hang onto any good memories you get, and try to let the rest wash away. Forgive again and again and again... Oh yes. I know the bible says forgive 70 x 7. I have done that in one day - and day after day. But it says nothing about going back for more abuse. It took me a while to realise that. Detach, detach, detach....I wanted more too, but they can't give it. There is something missing in them. You are right about letting the should have's, could have's go. They don't help. I learned that well when my youngest son was killed. Should have and could have are meaningless. Bless you for sharing

Fire burning in fireplace, carols on TV, two little trees lit up. I cancelled my dinner with middle son and wife. I couldn't cook today - need to feel the feelings They were very understanding. Maybe later on. I will go to the funeral and that will be hard, but life goes on for those of us who are left behind. I know that well.

(((((hugs))))) and blessings to all. Cherish your loved ones while you have them.

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Answered a question 12/25/2013 at 4:40 pm
Extreme burnout or just a pity party?
So this will be my fourth winter I come down and take care of my Mom she has the first stage of Parkinson's and I also cater to her husband because he sits on his computer all day long his ex wife left him because she was always catering to him and before that his Mom he is very English once and awhile I ask him to make his own coffee but he will wait till my Mom asks me to do it I am here 5 days a week I live far away but come down every winter and stay till late spring while I am layed off from my job but last Christmas I came down with my husband in our motor-home and we were meant to leave in the spring of 2013 but we are still here because my Mom poured the guilt trip of having no one to look after her mean while I have two siblings who live here and just suggest putting her in a home I have tried on many occasions to hire a caregiver and had interviews with my Mom she did not like any of them because of too much make ,or lots of jewelery or Cleveage showing which they were not it goes on every excuse she is a born again Christian and her Sabeth day is Saturday she has isolate her self from all pagans which about everything you can think of my boyfriend can't even come in the house because we are not married but have been together for 20 years this is nothing my Mom is very demanding and manipulative so is her husband today is Christmas and my Mom does not celebrate it or birthdays etc she ask if I was going to phone my cousin and that I should so I did talk with them for 10 minutes with her and my relatives before I went on the phone I ask my Mom what time she wanted lunch because it always changes with her she said 12:30 so it was 11:30 when I made a call and ask her would she mine she said no of course not so while I was talking she call her husband down to get her lunch at 11:50 and started complaining and crying and like usual he is rubbing her back whats wrong Mama and then she complained that I was not making lunch and I was on the phone all the time which was not true at all it was ten minutes she always does this starts crying then he comes down off is computer that is stuck to his abilblecord and I get off the phone and say what is wrong why are you crying and he says because you are on the phone all morning and says I am not taking care of her and ignoring her and she is ill then he grabs the phone from me which was so rude I tell him this not very nice to say to me he just says your Mom is ill and your on the phone I am there in their house from 9 am in the morning till 6 pm sometimes later I have no life my hair is always a mess sometimes I don't even have time to do a bodily function she is calling me if I don't answer right away she starts to get mad and calls him down and starts getting mad or cry's then he rubs her backing says its okay Mama I could go on I give her showers and do the laundry dishes all the cooking some of the shopping drive her to her doctors appointment plus more make her bed get her dressed make his food also serve them do the dishes turn the TV on get her comfortable on the couch etc! Someone tell what i am doing wrong am I bad person for wish relatives happy holidays for ten minutes??? When she said it was okay she would he later???

HI Everyone. Alright! I made it to Christmas! Going to a candlelight service really put me in the spirit of Christmas. I stayed up very late making a crust for a quiche, cleaning my apartment, setting the table with a tablecloth from our family past, with an arrangement, washing the floor,etc. Mom came in and missed the nice vibes I set out. She commented on how nice the tablecloth was but it was so distant. Did she remember this cloth? I put it on for her. Yes, I remember. But the opportunity to see that I loved her was slow in coming. However, she spent a lot of time telling me about the next door neighbor who surprised her with a plant, and how wonderful several other people she knows are, and so on. I realized once again, I had to kill the little girl inside myself still looking for recognition and love. Christ never gave to get something, I thought. Just nod and keep going. Everything was fine. She liked the quiche very much. She told me what fun she had yesterday going to our favorite clothes store. These can be the good times, I thought. Things can only go downhill in the months ahead. I tried to savor the moments with her and tried to make inside jokes to myself for things she said that made me collapse for a moment. Keep smiling. Keep going. breathe. breathe deeply. Feel the love after she leaves. Feel the preciousness of today. Gather the last fruits left on the orchard of our lives together. Step over the rotten apples. Laugh at the squishing bruised ones below, stuck in my shoes. Forgive again and again and again. I wanted so much more from this mother. She is doing the best she can. She can't help being who she is, anymore than I can. Let it go and let it be.

I dropped the bomb about going away for a few days. Call it a weekend. Doesn't sound so long. Hold the sadness after she leaves. Hold it sacred. The tears of love are sacred. God is here with me, with her. Life goes on in its mysterious twists and turns. All is as it is. The should be, could have beens, must vanish with the ego if I am to progress spiritually.

Thanks for letting me share this.

Joan, I am so sorry to hear of your friend. I agree with Sharyn that this time of year is especially difficult to lose someone close to you. It seems as if there have been a number of them in the AC community in the past few weeks.

Thinking of you.

There is so much we have no control over.

I am glad you are coming out of the shock, Sharyn. It takes a while. Hope the day works out reasonably well for all of you, though I know your niece's illness is hanging over everyone.

Talking about doors - I had two friends in E'ton I would visit with when I went there. One just died and the other one is moving east Dec 29th. So those are doors that have closed, and trips to E'ton are less appealing now. Visiting with them was a break from seeing mother. Now that she has been assessed competent again I may just write her and ask her to appoint someone else to EPA and PD. You never know - it might work.

Hoping the new year looks up for us all.

DinNY~I also am so sorry for your Christmas!! But we are here for you and wish you the best day.
Envision~Merry Christmas!!
Joan~I am so sorry about your friend. How tragic!! It is much harder to deal with these things during Christmas.

I am slowly coming out of the shock and depression regarding my family members. Still don't know what my sister is going to do for health insurance and my niece can't enjoy a Christmas dinner today having to do the prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow. My brother will come by later to see mom. I talked with both my children, called my fil. We are jut hanging in there waiting see the windows or doors that God is opening for all of us. I know the windows or doors are there. Merry Christmas.

((((((DINY))))) I am sorry Hope for better days ahead for you.

Not a great Christmas for me either, as it turns out.

Got a note this morning from my godson that my friend (his mother) of over 45 years was killed in a multivehicle accident a couple of days ago on her way to spend Christmas with her family. One of her granddaughters was with her and was injured - concussion, but the family is saying it was miraculous that it wasn't worse for her. Thankfully my friend died instantaneously. The family is saying it is a blessed release as her health was declining - two mastectomies in the past few years, and severe arthritis which kept her in pretty constant pain, She loved to drive as she had to use a walker otherwise. I could see that she was going to be in a wheel chair before too long. The roads were very icy. She was rear-ended and must have crashed into a vehicle ahead of her. She was like a sister to me, much more than my sis ever has been, She has seen me through so many life changes, I was with her and family in the hospital when her husband died. We both lost a son. Our kids where about the same ages... so many memories. You never know what lies ahead. That is two people dead from highway accidents in the past couple of months. I fear more for Gary now as he is out on the road in all weather so many days of the week. I have to trust that God numbers our days.
Cancelled supper with my son and dil. Just can't do it, and I am not sure I can make supper with my daughter tomorrow. I will play it by ear

Hope everyone else is doing better

I keep telling myself this is just another day and someday I will have my own life again and I will no longer have to live as a servent to a self centered woman who appreciates nothing. This has topped the list as the worst Christmas ever.

Merry Christmas!

oops - mother let me know a few years ago there was only one florist she wanted flowers from - they started over $100 for a simple arrangement. I haven't ordered from them. This year if she doesn't like what I sent I will suggest that she give it to the front desk staff so others can enjoy it. I know there will always be something wrong with anything I send. I was tempted to send nothing and consider the computer I bought her this summer as her gift, as she apparently has no intention of paying me back for it.
Just life as usual ... not letting it bother me too much - going to finish tidying up the dining room (G uses the table as a desk) decorate a little, and maybe make a few cookies for the company tomorrow. Nice Christmas music helps the mood!
Hope you and C have a great Christmas - your first one together! Enjoy ~~~

thanks, Austin. I particularly remember a very beautiful floral arrangement I sent mother when she has her first hip op. I got a strip torn off me because it was too big. She could have put it somewhere else in her room - not on her tray.

Joan I am still seething over the beautiful fruit basket I got my mom the year before she died-the year before she gushed over it -the next year it was too this and that and where she lived other tennents were on food stamps and would have been glad to get some of the fruit what a fuss then I got gift cards to Olive Garden her favorite place to eat-thatshould have been good right? no they deducted some money from the card for what ever reason-but all she ever got was soup and a sandwitch what is wrong with a thank you-she drove me crazy-I sent a cake one time and she said I hope you didn't pay much for it because it was very small-this from a women who ate like a bird. I will be expecting to hear what was wrong with your gift this time.

Iwentanon - hope you have a great day doing what you want - year around Christmas sounds right to me.
broken - sounds like more than dementia to me, but also that if her behaviour has changed for the worst. Maybe a personality disorder if she has been difficult all her life. Definitely some narcissism and no idea about boundaries. There probably are some meds that could help your mum. Has she has a thorough psych eval? She may be depressed as well as other things. The only way you will know if there is a dementia is by an evaluation, and whoever evaluates can prescribe meds. If the doc is dragging his heels you could keep notes on her behaviour, and/or record some of the temper tantrums so he gets an idea of what you have to deal with. Bring in your notes for him to see ahead of seeing your mum, and describe what you have to deal with. Other than that find another doctor. Maybe ask social services or the agency on aging of they can recommend someone. Getting away sounds like a good idea.
Sharyn - glad you have plans to bring your mum to your home. Hope it all works out well. I know your family is still reeling with the news of sil's daughter and it will affect you all this season, Multiple loss is difficult to deal with and loss is not necessarily death but also e.g. illness which threatens safety.
glad - thinking of you and the stress ahead. Do you have a happy pill to take to help you get through it? I can't say I am preparing yet, but starting to clean up some stuff in prep for guests tomorrow - not that they would mind, but I do. Hopefully will do a little decorating later today.
adeena - welcome. Dementia does such a number on people - those who have it and those who look after them. Distraction by bringing up another topic can help sometimes. Sometimes an antianxiety meds will help, or just leaving them alone to calm down in a safe environment.

I sent my mother flowers so am expecting a blast any time soon - too big, too small, wrong colour, shouldn't have sent any, and so on
Merry Christmas everyone hugs to all - breathe deep

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Peaceful day how ever you spend it.

Well, things aren't that well. I have a grandma who is suffering from dementia and she is acting immaturely right now.My mom is trying to calm her down but she is not listening to anyone right now

Just when I want to read about others dysfunctional families I'm wondering is everyone busy preparing for the holiday? Wanted to forget about my family issues and how I am dreading the xmas celebration tomorrow. Cannot wait for it to be over then life back to normal!