
Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
How can I get the doctor to help mom emotionally and help calm her nerves? I spoke to him several times and he just has't given me a satisfactory answer at all.
If it is primarily a personality disorder....in order to save your sanity...it comes down to setting boundaries...detaching with love. In extreme cases a person has to decide of they want to continue a relationship or end it. Google setting boundaries, detaching with love and the other site I suggested. Hugs to you!!
My daughter in Texas is going to the movies, the whole day.
Do what you want.
Why placate wonder, or worry invite anyone for dessert?
Whoever comes, comes and who ever doesn't, doesn't.
That way it is at the end of the day and will it even matter???
My church was full of swedes, they used to tell that joke too "about not being able to tell them much" but really, isn't it, that people who remain uninformed, you cant tell them much or people who do not care, you cannot tell them much, people stuck in the past, that you cannot tell them much, some people stay stuck, I am not going to say that some decisions didn't hurt my feelings, but I am so over it, It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing Doo-ah, doo-ah, doo-ah, doo-ah, ...
Make it an open invitation...
Off with their heads...
About my son...I will see him the day after Christmas, he has a new relationship, besides I saw him yesterday and four days ago, along with my granddaughter, Christmas for us is a year round thing, not something based on a one day event or the calendar!
Merry Christmas everyone!
Thank you, Juju and Emjo - you've reminded me that I do like my brother sometimes!
Oh well. Unfortunately too cold to go out. It is minus 37C with windchill - that is minus 35F or I would go out and distract myself. Maybe there is a good show on TV.
Hope everyone manages to sort out their Christmas plans - so fraught with land mines.
glad - you mentioned Uffada. I heard Uffa mei, (means sort of "goodness me") and nei da ( which is stronger - like "Oh no!") all my growing up years.
You know what they say about Norwegians. "You can always tell a Norwegian, but you can't tell them much".
juju praying that the house repairs fall into place. Floors seem kind of essential.
Have a good day everyone
I wouldn't be too hard on today's visitors. They're not the first she's k/o'd in Round One, are they? And I'm betting that when it comes to explanations your mother very much hears what she wants to hear - and then paraphrases…
Onward and upward. Sigh.
Welcome to the club. I want off of the merry-go-round!
Book, I will definitely take one. And thinking serious about a few lumps of coal for sibs and oldest daughter.
I just got my confirmed invite today by email to my brother's house. I do have Mom with me so I will stop by for a couple hours in between pills...
This would be at mom's house, with all the food, gifts etc.
We didn't get together during TG, this year. She didn't want to because of too much drama that had gone on last year between our difficult SIL, and my sister's daughters. I was quite o.k. with this plan, as my husband went out of the country, and I've just basically grown tired of attending my family's stress and dysfunctional filled holidays. It just feels like everybody is going through the motions.
So I spoke again with my sister yesterday. Now it seems she's doing one of her flip flop attitudes about Christmas. She had invited my husband and me, to mom's last week. In years past, it would be a big group because my brothers and their kids, usually come. But after talking with her, she started to talk as if.....it was only going to be herself, her daughters, son in law, mom, etc. She then proceeded to give me quite a detailed litany about how she didn't think one of our brothers would come....nor his kids. This family always shows up late, to any thing they're invited to. Then I had to hear about last years offenses at TG, by the SIL and her daughters. She also went on to tell me this is why she wasn't invited this year to TG, nor Christmas.
She never once mentioned my husband and me, so I started to get the impression....on account of all her negative talk about who she thought wasn't coming, nor invited.....that maybe we were dis-invited.
I didn't know what to say to her, or ask, "Well are we still on for Christmas Day, or what?? " I do not like this about my sister. She says one thing, and I for one...became rather stressed out getting gifts yesterday, and now this. This didn't feel good either....because it felt as if she was insinuating to me that the plan had now changed. It was looking like me and the hubby are left in Christmas limbo. She likes to do this a lot.
Finally, at the tail, and I do mean tail end of the conversation.....she informs me that they'll be at mom's for breakfast, which will be 10:00 a.m. So that if we still wanted to come. It will be a very early gathering since her girls will go with their dad's familys, afterwards.
If it were up to me.....I'd be completely happy just staying at our place, or doing something else for the day. But I just don't like these half crapped invitations.
It made me feel rather uncomfortable.
Bah Humbug??
Margeaux
I told my son, not to worry should those occasions when they arise, after having, if you invite him for 50 years with my mother, it was such a struggle my weddings graduations, granddaughters birthdays etc.
I told my son, it is your party you do what you like,
why should they have to choose or display loyalty,
we know we did the work, without us they would not be who they are...
we are like a diamond in their ring, that sparkles all over the place...
It was my ex, that could not handle it.
My ex is my ex, I have no feelings one way or another, when we have to be together, ie. weddings, children's birthdays, I go on my way (in the small space) as if they do not exist...probably beats the heck, out of them. remember you have all the memories and passed the traditions...on your side. Smile!
I'd like to be the one taken care of for a change, but not in the manner we are all caring for someone. I hope, sincerely hope I do not live long enough to succumb to Alzheimer's.
I am thinking of going xmas eve. The anger has diminished and I want to spend time either my kids and grandbabies. I'll think about it tomorrow. Get some sleep tonight, then I will see.
I really feel for you! I mean I do understand how in divorced families the kid in the picture in some way wants each parent there. But it really sounds as if your daughter already knowing how you feel, (understandable) doesn't honor your feelings. The alternative in her case would be to celebrate this holiday separately. But as you've stated, it's become an issue of she getting her way, despite whatever else comes into play.
I've seen this going on with my sister, who has two exes. She has two daughters, one w/each ex. The two daughters are both accepting of the dad's, since they both were in one another's life since childhood. Of course current day, my sister also has a boyfriend. So there's definitely tension in the fact that her oldest daughter who now has two grandkids, and is celebrating baptisms, birthdays and the like.....started inviting the second ex, who played a big role in her life.
However, as it relates to my sisters feelings having not only one ex husband present, now her daughter invites her step dad. Sister's boyfriend is not good w/this. So, of course he not wanting to attend these events also spreads tension between he and my sister's daughter. There is this ongoing tension my sis experiences when there's a "B" day, and the like. She's not happy at all about it, of course. I don't know how I'd handle something like this.
me.
Another interesting component to this drama, is the fact that my niece's own father has been with a woman about 23 yrs.,his junior. She's only a few years older than my niece. My niece can't stand her, thinks she's a gold digger. Well, she's so many issues w/her dad's gf., that she doesn't invite her anymore to any of the celebrations. So how do you like that! Here my niece doesn't at all consider my sister's position......but she can't manage to be tolerant of her dad's gf. So you are right, it's really just all about them.
O.K., Glad, I'm thinking some positive thoughts for you in this matter.
I know some people seem to think, you should kind of save face and just attend,
I think this isn't a good idea at all.
Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
This was so horrible, what you are describing about your ex.
It's interesting how this story seems to be told over and over again by women.
Obviously, your a smart woman, and the fact the pastor gave you such good advice, you are no longer with someone like this. Better alone that in bad company.
When you factor in that you were also in charge of his children, WOW!
Someone in the right, fair mind....should have held you in very high esteem.
But it just goes to show you, how on that level, all I can say, is, "How dare he."
There's really something wrong with society, where we often see that this attitude prevails, unfortunately to the detriment of many women.
I loved reading your post, thanks for willing to share this topic, as I know it's opened up some interesting discussion.
In these roles, we are caregiving, when you think about it.
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
I think it's best that you have a heart-to-heart chat with your daughter. She might become very defensive, and of course, you will be the one at fault. Not her. You. So, you can either do this OR suck it up, put on a fake smile and Pretend that you're enjoying it. When you survived this, please reward yourself for doing something that you hated to do. A Big Reward!!! Because you deserve it... even if you did end up losing your temper and dissing the ex or his wife. Or your daughter for putting you all in this situation. Any possibility of your hubby helping you at this time. Have your back?
You'll just have to see how you feel when it comes to getting ready for the party. I agree that in an ideal world you would be able to think beautiful thoughts about giving your daughter her wish to see everybody getting along; but I know from friends' experiences that it can be too stressful to bear and all goes horribly belly-up. Which is worse than having tactical 'flu and staying home.
I count my blessings on this one - my ex and his wife are my good friends, frankly a lot more help to me than my siblings are, and I'm always genuinely glad to see them. But you can't make this happy accident of personalities happen if it just isn't the reality of it.
It sounds as if your daughter has let wishful thinking cloud her judgement - up to you if you bring her back down to earth or let her float awhile up there in fairyland. When do you have to make a decision by?