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Thank you so much, sharyn, and emjo! I have to learn to let go, forgive, not take it personally. Been working on setting boundaries. I plan on going to Maine for three days to see my friends and I am sure Mom will have another hateful, shouting, and ugly temper tantrum. She really doesn't believe that I can or should have a different need than hers. Well I will learn all I can about Dementia and how to deal with this. Thank God for you guys and the internet.
How can I get the doctor to help mom emotionally and help calm her nerves? I spoke to him several times and he just has't given me a satisfactory answer at all.
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Broken~Has your mother been diagnosed with dementia? I ask because my mother has what I believe is Borderline Personality Disorder. It is a mental illness and you can find out more about it. My mother also has Alzheimer's Disease. The accusations against you and the paranoia are common with both diseases. The difference between BPD and AD is that the abuse and crazy making has been present through out your childhood. It usually becomes more accelerated when Alzheimer's comes into the picture. There are medications to help as we had our mother put on an antidepressant because she started accusing friends of stealing from her...it helped a lot. Every situation is different so there is a lot of trial and error

If it is primarily a personality disorder....in order to save your sanity...it comes down to setting boundaries...detaching with love. In extreme cases a person has to decide of they want to continue a relationship or end it. Google setting boundaries, detaching with love and the other site I suggested. Hugs to you!!
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Since I ran away from the dysfunctional home at 18, I had become a cheerful, positive person who is known for inspiring others with joy and creativity. Three years into this caregiving thing, I am depressed and miserable and I think my friends and cousins are avoiding me. My mother is alert but emotionally disturbed. She doesn't realize the hurt she inflicts on me and I can't show her how it feels because then she gets even more verbally abusive and impossible to deal with. Although I finally started taking better care of myself and got myself to a counselor, I am still overwhelmed with crying spells at night, and am carrying the burden new bouts of anger and hurt every day. It's hard to discharge it and deal with it. I don't feel like meditating; though I need it more than ever. I wish God would take my mother far away from me already. She is nuts and now I am crazy too. I hate this. How I wish it will end soon! It seems like an impossible task to forgive her (for she does not know what she does) when she inflicts sarcastic, evil comments about me to others and to me, every day. I have tried joking with her. That only makes her worse. Silence. I offer little conversation. She criticizes me for how I am breathing!! Is that behavior part of dimentia? or is it just a continuation of her life's mental illness?
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Tomorrow check out Alzheimers Speaks Radio online. Teepa Snow will be on the show tomorrow.
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I am going to the movies for Christmas, any one for middle earth?
My daughter in Texas is going to the movies, the whole day.
Do what you want.
Why placate wonder, or worry invite anyone for dessert?
Whoever comes, comes and who ever doesn't, doesn't.
That way it is at the end of the day and will it even matter???

My church was full of swedes, they used to tell that joke too "about not being able to tell them much" but really, isn't it, that people who remain uninformed, you cant tell them much or people who do not care, you cannot tell them much, people stuck in the past, that you cannot tell them much, some people stay stuck, I am not going to say that some decisions didn't hurt my feelings, but I am so over it, It don't mean a thing, if it ain't got that swing Doo-ah, doo-ah, doo-ah, doo-ah, ...
Make it an open invitation...
Off with their heads...
About my son...I will see him the day after Christmas, he has a new relationship, besides I saw him yesterday and four days ago, along with my granddaughter, Christmas for us is a year round thing, not something based on a one day event or the calendar!

Merry Christmas everyone!
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hahahaha - good one!
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When I was about ten and my brother fourteen, we were coming in the back door and stepping into the kitchen when we heard my mother's voice cry "Not the kitchen floor please!" A (rare) deep clean was taking place. As our feet hovered over the tiles, my brother said "Mm, perfectly good ceiling up there..?" I squealed with giggles for must have been a quarter of an hour…

Thank you, Juju and Emjo - you've reminded me that I do like my brother sometimes!
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Thanks cm. All I am trying to do in prevent a move to an ALF where she will be less well cared for. Other than that it really doesn't matter. What got me was that they absolved mother of all responsibility for her own behaviour. That does make me question their competency at their job.Yes, mother picks what she wants to hear out of the mouths of others and translates them into "mutherspeak". The tone of the nurses voice that was part of what got me as well as the excuses for mother. They don't have to deal with the results of them excusing her behaviour.

Oh well. Unfortunately too cold to go out. It is minus 37C with windchill - that is minus 35F or I would go out and distract myself. Maybe there is a good show on TV.

Hope everyone manages to sort out their Christmas plans - so fraught with land mines.

glad - you mentioned Uffada. I heard Uffa mei, (means sort of "goodness me") and nei da ( which is stronger - like "Oh no!") all my growing up years.

You know what they say about Norwegians. "You can always tell a Norwegian, but you can't tell them much".

juju praying that the house repairs fall into place. Floors seem kind of essential.

Have a good day everyone
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Emjo, so frustrating. It seems the law will protect you from yourself if you're unintelligent, but not if you're merely destructive (unless you're actually psychotic, and sometimes the authorities don't seem to be too quick on the uptake with that either).

I wouldn't be too hard on today's visitors. They're not the first she's k/o'd in Round One, are they? And I'm betting that when it comes to explanations your mother very much hears what she wants to hear - and then paraphrases…

Onward and upward. Sigh.
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Margeaux-
Welcome to the club. I want off of the merry-go-round!

Book, I will definitely take one. And thinking serious about a few lumps of coal for sibs and oldest daughter.
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The mental health nurse and a psychiatrist visited mother and she snowed them. I am not impressed with them, and I let the nurse know that. Again mother is assessed as competent based on cognitive tests only. While they were there, she got into a battle on the phone with her financial advisor who has been her friend and been so good to her for 16 years now and blew at him. They said her upset was understandable. No, it wasn't. It was BPD in full force, Glen, her financial advisor had said nothing to bring on her anger. I got the other side of it from him later. He has always only acted in her best interests, but of course he doesn't always agree with her. He had heard from an informed independent source that the place where she wants to move is not that good for seniors and he let her know so she blew and told him he was trying to block her move. Now she is on a high saying that the mental health team came and she is mentally healthy. Not true. All it means is that she passed the cognition tests. There are people in jail and mental hospitals who can pass those tests, but it doesn't mean they make good decisions or are mentally healthy. It just means they are bright. They completely left the BPD out of the assessment, and it does affect her decision making as does the paranoia. I am finding it hard to get my head around this and can only conclude that they do not really know much about personality disorders. Mother has also exaggerated what she was told by the pharmacist about side effects of risperidone - may cause some confusion - to saying it causes dementia – so now she has a reason not to take it. That also happened when the team was there and the nurse told me that they think they have convinced her to take it again. I very much doubt it. So how competent are these people? They visit mother, excuse her BPD anger as being understandable, leave her with the impression that she is mentally healthy, and that the risperidone will cause dementia. My mind is boggled. Thank God for the ALF staff who see her regularly and “get it”.
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Margeaux - do what you want to do - There are often mixed feelings - like with glad and others, but figure out what is most important to you and do that.
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Margeaux I would do exactly that! Do what you want it's obviously a half cracked invite and if you don't go it doesn't matter..

I just got my confirmed invite today by email to my brother's house. I do have Mom with me so I will stop by for a couple hours in between pills...
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So I'm not sure what's happening concerning Christmas. Last week my sister had called. She enthusiastically said to me, that she wanted to gather for Christmas.
This would be at mom's house, with all the food, gifts etc.

We didn't get together during TG, this year. She didn't want to because of too much drama that had gone on last year between our difficult SIL, and my sister's daughters. I was quite o.k. with this plan, as my husband went out of the country, and I've just basically grown tired of attending my family's stress and dysfunctional filled holidays. It just feels like everybody is going through the motions.

So I spoke again with my sister yesterday. Now it seems she's doing one of her flip flop attitudes about Christmas. She had invited my husband and me, to mom's last week. In years past, it would be a big group because my brothers and their kids, usually come. But after talking with her, she started to talk as if.....it was only going to be herself, her daughters, son in law, mom, etc. She then proceeded to give me quite a detailed litany about how she didn't think one of our brothers would come....nor his kids. This family always shows up late, to any thing they're invited to. Then I had to hear about last years offenses at TG, by the SIL and her daughters. She also went on to tell me this is why she wasn't invited this year to TG, nor Christmas.

She never once mentioned my husband and me, so I started to get the impression....on account of all her negative talk about who she thought wasn't coming, nor invited.....that maybe we were dis-invited.
I didn't know what to say to her, or ask, "Well are we still on for Christmas Day, or what?? " I do not like this about my sister. She says one thing, and I for one...became rather stressed out getting gifts yesterday, and now this. This didn't feel good either....because it felt as if she was insinuating to me that the plan had now changed. It was looking like me and the hubby are left in Christmas limbo. She likes to do this a lot.

Finally, at the tail, and I do mean tail end of the conversation.....she informs me that they'll be at mom's for breakfast, which will be 10:00 a.m. So that if we still wanted to come. It will be a very early gathering since her girls will go with their dad's familys, afterwards.

If it were up to me.....I'd be completely happy just staying at our place, or doing something else for the day. But I just don't like these half crapped invitations.
It made me feel rather uncomfortable.

Bah Humbug??
Margeaux
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I burned the sage, last October, I am not letting anything stand in my way, for what?

I told my son, not to worry should those occasions when they arise, after having, if you invite him for 50 years with my mother, it was such a struggle my weddings graduations, granddaughters birthdays etc.

I told my son, it is your party you do what you like,
why should they have to choose or display loyalty,
we know we did the work, without us they would not be who they are...
we are like a diamond in their ring, that sparkles all over the place...

It was my ex, that could not handle it.
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And in between the times when you're not with the kiddies, and must associate with the grown-ups .... Don't forget to bring a good book! Trust me, it always works with me when I'm tired of hearing the same old conversation/arguments.
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If you want to go, then DEFINITELY go and don't let pride - or intense irritation with your less-than-diplomatic hostess - stop you. Cuddle those babies! Merry Christmas x
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You are still the mother...you can do what you like, I hope you brave it!
My ex is my ex, I have no feelings one way or another, when we have to be together, ie. weddings, children's birthdays, I go on my way (in the small space) as if they do not exist...probably beats the heck, out of them. remember you have all the memories and passed the traditions...on your side. Smile!
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No hubby for me, probably will never happen again, though sometimes companionship would be nice. I'd just end up with someone that needs to be taken care of. UFFDA!

I'd like to be the one taken care of for a change, but not in the manner we are all caring for someone. I hope, sincerely hope I do not live long enough to succumb to Alzheimer's.

I am thinking of going xmas eve. The anger has diminished and I want to spend time either my kids and grandbabies. I'll think about it tomorrow. Get some sleep tonight, then I will see.
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Thank you A&A!!
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Ugh.. I meant to say " so sorry to hear"
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Sharynmarie do sorry not hear about your niece. I will definitely say a prayer.
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Update...My niece has advanced rectal cancer that is inoperable at this time. Monday they will do a colonoscopy to insert ports for chemotherapy. The hope is the chemo will reduce the size of the tumor so they can operate. Just pray!!
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Glad~Hang in there, we will get through this holiday season yet. Yesterday I burned some white sage in the house. You do what you have to do, it is your Christmas too.
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Gladimhere,

I really feel for you! I mean I do understand how in divorced families the kid in the picture in some way wants each parent there. But it really sounds as if your daughter already knowing how you feel, (understandable) doesn't honor your feelings. The alternative in her case would be to celebrate this holiday separately. But as you've stated, it's become an issue of she getting her way, despite whatever else comes into play.

I've seen this going on with my sister, who has two exes. She has two daughters, one w/each ex. The two daughters are both accepting of the dad's, since they both were in one another's life since childhood. Of course current day, my sister also has a boyfriend. So there's definitely tension in the fact that her oldest daughter who now has two grandkids, and is celebrating baptisms, birthdays and the like.....started inviting the second ex, who played a big role in her life.

However, as it relates to my sisters feelings having not only one ex husband present, now her daughter invites her step dad. Sister's boyfriend is not good w/this. So, of course he not wanting to attend these events also spreads tension between he and my sister's daughter. There is this ongoing tension my sis experiences when there's a "B" day, and the like. She's not happy at all about it, of course. I don't know how I'd handle something like this.
me.
Another interesting component to this drama, is the fact that my niece's own father has been with a woman about 23 yrs.,his junior. She's only a few years older than my niece. My niece can't stand her, thinks she's a gold digger. Well, she's so many issues w/her dad's gf., that she doesn't invite her anymore to any of the celebrations. So how do you like that! Here my niece doesn't at all consider my sister's position......but she can't manage to be tolerant of her dad's gf. So you are right, it's really just all about them.

O.K., Glad, I'm thinking some positive thoughts for you in this matter.
I know some people seem to think, you should kind of save face and just attend,
I think this isn't a good idea at all.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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Iwentanon,

This was so horrible, what you are describing about your ex.
It's interesting how this story seems to be told over and over again by women.
Obviously, your a smart woman, and the fact the pastor gave you such good advice, you are no longer with someone like this. Better alone that in bad company.

When you factor in that you were also in charge of his children, WOW!
Someone in the right, fair mind....should have held you in very high esteem.
But it just goes to show you, how on that level, all I can say, is, "How dare he."
There's really something wrong with society, where we often see that this attitude prevails, unfortunately to the detriment of many women.

I loved reading your post, thanks for willing to share this topic, as I know it's opened up some interesting discussion.
In these roles, we are caregiving, when you think about it.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux
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You're only looking at the trees. You're not looking at the forest. This "change" to include your ex may become her permanent yearly thing. So,the question to you, Gladim, is this: Are you able to do this Every Year?

I think it's best that you have a heart-to-heart chat with your daughter. She might become very defensive, and of course, you will be the one at fault. Not her. You. So, you can either do this OR suck it up, put on a fake smile and Pretend that you're enjoying it. When you survived this, please reward yourself for doing something that you hated to do. A Big Reward!!! Because you deserve it... even if you did end up losing your temper and dissing the ex or his wife. Or your daughter for putting you all in this situation. Any possibility of your hubby helping you at this time. Have your back?
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gladimhere, when we lived in Boulder I learned an important life principal. They had us teach our kids if they ever fell in Boulder Creek to try to keep their feet pointed downstream to minimize damage to their heads, broken legs are more surviveable than crushed skulls. I often feel like I've fallen into the creek in my family. All we can do is try to keep our feet downstream. Those of us who were raised to be fixers tend to get pushed around to our own detriment. Can't tell you how to fix it, still struggling to keep my own feet downstream, but know our thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time...
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I feel like my decision is made, I just feel'so damn guilty. I am the first to admit I cannot do it all, this is just asking too much. I am tired and weary of it all.
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Glad, it's taken me a while to follow the thread backwards and… so your daughter is expecting you to play nice with your ex at her Christmas party? Hmmmmmm. Works for some, not for others. She's not cutting you any slack, is she?

You'll just have to see how you feel when it comes to getting ready for the party. I agree that in an ideal world you would be able to think beautiful thoughts about giving your daughter her wish to see everybody getting along; but I know from friends' experiences that it can be too stressful to bear and all goes horribly belly-up. Which is worse than having tactical 'flu and staying home.

I count my blessings on this one - my ex and his wife are my good friends, frankly a lot more help to me than my siblings are, and I'm always genuinely glad to see them. But you can't make this happy accident of personalities happen if it just isn't the reality of it.

It sounds as if your daughter has let wishful thinking cloud her judgement - up to you if you bring her back down to earth or let her float awhile up there in fairyland. When do you have to make a decision by?
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