The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

As usual we need to smile through the bullshit. "This too will soon pass"...

Book, had to chuckle at the book thing. One of ex's step kids has done this at every family gathering I have ever been to where she is in attendance. Smiling but not laughing.

I just do not want to make myself that vulnerable. It will become quite the puddle fest and that would be so embarrassing in front of kids, grandkids, ex and spouse and sisters, nephews brother-in-law.. Who knows could easily become ex's steps as well.

Glad, I still think that you can very firmly tell your daughter of this original agreement and that you are disappointed that she has decided to bring in the ex. She's an adult and should know better. Just go. No matter how much you want to run and hide from all that bs, stay and look like it doesn't matter that the ex is there. I'd bring my ereader or book. When the going gets too much, just pull out the book and read it. If someone has the nerve to call you on it and says it's rude...just tell them the truth. That this was suppose to be your night to be with your daughter. But she wanted to share it with others, so you're allowing her to share. That you are listening to what is being said. Repeat the current comment as proof you are listening. That you will contribute if you have something to say. Sucks, I know...

A&A yup, spent the last month in a constant state of stress just trying to figure out a plan. Finally I agreed to something I really did not want to do "for the greater good". ARRRGHH. What about my good?! Then daughter has to add one more thing to the mix. This has caused me so much stress I have been waking at 3 am after four hours of sleep for most of the last month. Since I agreed to the plan just to get everyone off my back, wake terribly depressed and in tears. For what so my blasted daughter can have her way, to say nothing of counselor sis.

just sick and tired of it!

Gladimhere ugh.. All you can do is talk with your daughter about how you feel.. She is choosing to make you out as the scapegoat. Let her know how much you love her but you are an adult women also with problems of your own.. Reality check "Mom's human too"...

I say this with love.. My oldest child is a grown man and if you ask me he thinks everything is about HIM..When he was home for Thanksgiving he could not understand why I couldn't just walk out the door and spend the day with him and hubby at Casino.. Really?? He was so "put out" that he had to wait a day to go because I needed to ask my sister to stay with Mom.. He's a very intelligent man but it's all about him and my time restrictions put a damper on his Good times!! It's awful that I sit here dreading when he'll show up for Christmas, He has the week off and his girlfriend is leaving today to visit her family out of state... Ugh I don't need the added guilt.. Between Mom wanting me around her 24/7 and him I'm going to explode..

Margeaux-
Thank you for your support. And yes the guardian's job is to make sure everything is good with my mom, not mending fences with my siblings. the sibling deal is just stressful enough without throwing an ex and money grubbing wife into the mix.'it will be hard enough with sibs! Now, though tonight my kids are angry with me for not wanting to go. I explained (seems I do this profusely) that one more thing happened yesterday and I just could not do it. If only they could walk a mile in my shoes. A year and a half ago I missed granddaughter's first birthday party. First told daughter I wouldn't attend if one sib was there. Then decided to go after all. But, it was also the first day that a contractor and crew were to begin a new roofing job. Naturally, the roofers were late by several hours. I called sib to ask if she would come to supervise the start. Her reply? Not on your life I am not missing this party! If the shoe were on the other foot, in spite of everything I would have done it for her. She is a self-centered narcissistic b****h and lives 5 miles from here and has seen mom five times always with other people with her, each time for a couple of hours. She never calls mom, she is just not emotionally capable I know. But instead she blames it on me and how I bully her! Childish NONSENSE! Get over it, already!

But I am feeling guilty that now my kids are brought into this. I love them all so much and miss spending time with them. One daughter when I asked her for something that she didn't want to do actually told me that I haven't done much for them lately. I did plenty of free babysitting including weekends before all of this caregiving began. I'm just so tired of it all! It is this daughter that is beginning to sound like the most problematic sister. Daughter is my oldest, as am I problem sister is middle child. I have wondered if there is something in psych about "bullied" middle children teaming with oldest child of older sister. It is just so completely bizarre. Daughter sounds just like sister, who I might add is a counselor, and as such a master manipulator.

The darker print I only see on the computer and the print looks bigger.on the ki doe it looks normal.
I will get my knee looked at after the 1st. I just don't want to pay for an MRI.that is the only way to see a torn ligiment. My mom had surgery for torn meniscus in both knees. The first time it also ended hip pain as well. Gotta go.

Yes I know the type mine worked for the phone company
before the Bell's broke up still working there...
only he had the real job so only he could make decisions, bark orders,
I told him the only reason he had money was
because I raised his children
when he ended up getting custody of his two children,
after we got married and I was home with our baby plus my son.
Only he had the real job, I had open heart surgery and all my husband could say was,
"Thanks for f***ing up my vacation...
I could go one but I won't.
Believe it or not when I was single after the hubby, I had the same operation as a single mother and it was easier 'cause I did not have pressure from him...

Have you had your knee looked at?
I had torn cartilage and other things with my knee,
so I had knee surgery, in 2010, took care of my hip pain.
Maybe after you pay off your car. I was back in action in four weeks.

Right now I am nursing an extra bone in my foot, I am stepping on the ligament that goes around my ankle. They put a brace on it for two weeks then I go back to see if progress is made, I am not looking forward to any surgery.

About a few days ago, when I used my Kindle to come here, I saw black covering the comments. This blackness was triggered when I would Scroll up or down. WhenI went to my laptop, I didn't see the blackness. So, I concluded it was my Kindle's problem and not AC. I Googled the problem, remember? For the past 2 days, I've kept my Kindle on and the wi-fi on so that Amazon's Update to Correct this problem will register into my Kindle while I'm at work or sleeping. As of last night, I still had that blackness when I scrolled. I haven't tried it today.

yes I was seeing black lines thru everything and lost a post

Is everyone else seeing dark black in the comments...much darker than normal...Just wondering??

Bermuda~Juju is right...come here to vent, share...we are here for each other!!
Juju~I am happy to hear you may be flooring in before Christmas!! What a relief regarding the cold, it will help to reduce that!!

I was suppose to be off tomorrow but the deli manager called me asking if I would come in...well of course...I want the extra hours, she and the bakery manger know that...I am the come to person because I will come in 90% of the time...they appreciate it by telling me and I appreciate it. It is a win win situation.

I wish there was an edit button, I just saw I posted before I was done again.

Bermuda, the reason I tell you I get depressed too is I think we all get depressed in these situations we have no control over. If you just come here and read and write whatever you need to, you will find some relief and support. Or simply reading and knowing you are not alone and so many others experiences similar difficulties!
I am exhausted from the past couple weeks and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel...I want to just have some dinner and relax and try for a good night sleep tonite. Tomorrow construction starts so gonna be hectic! Have to catch up on the rest of you all later I feel that eye stress coming on....hard to focus. I am reminded I do need to get some glasses, think that will help a lot.

I want to thank you all for your support and just letting me vent over the last weeks they have been so difficult here I could not have gotten thru it without you all and your compassion and patience with me! Thank you so much!!!
XOXOX to you all!
Peace,
Juju

Thank you Iwentanon!! My hubby is not as bad as your ex but he was raised that woman not only work but take care of everything inside and outside of the home. Yes my job is not important to him because I don't make as much money as he does. MONEY is a big issue regarding my hubby and self importance. I am paying for my car by myself...my choice even though it is in both our names. I purchased a LTC policy so hubby would not have to lose everything to see to my care since Alzheimer's runs rampant on my side of the family. I work hard, my jobs have required more physical work than mental...this is what I am good at. As a result, my body is hurting now, today I am in pain because my right knee is hurting...possibly a meniscus tear in my knee a common injury with physical work. It has been bothering me for the last 3 months but today the pain is very troublesome. I have an ice pack on my left hip for sciatica and now an ice pack on my right knee while getting the house cleaned and cooking dinner. When do I have time to go see my mother, whom I have not seen in over a week while trying to take care of ME and keep the house up and work?? Of course hubby will help ocassionally, when he does, I have to highly praise him for it or he feels used. Welcome to my world hubby, how much to you "use" me??? Hugs to you!!

Margeaux~I agree, it is best to shut my mouth regarding the facebook incident. I didn't expect these people who otherwise never comment to me, to suddenly take my post to heart. A lesson learned.

Glad~You have to do what is comfortable for you during the holidays. It does get sticky with family especially after our children marry. Things change and it is hard to accept. Holidays should not be filled with so much pressure from family nor should you have to be in a position that makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you could invite some friends over for Christmas Eve dinner.

Book~Thank you for the suggestion. My hubby was taught to be overly prideful and egocentric. It does not take to much for me to hurt his pride and ego. Sometimes I do it without realizing it. I have posted here about how controlling his parents have been, so it is no surprise hubby can be that way too. The think is, I know my hubby...I can't say that he knows me. I know that when I tell him to go buy different meats to put in the freezer for two weeks worth of dinners, he will do it. He just does not stop to think of us as a couple...he only thinks about his own needs and wants. After almost 37 years of marriage, is it too much to ask to think of us as a unit?? I am broke right now because I did not get a pay check last week as I was off work the week before for the sciatic nerve. Yesterday, I gathered up all the refund checks from my insurance for prescription meds, took them to the bank and cashed them in. I had $45.00. I used that to get some beef and veggies for dinner tonight which I will make in the crock pot. I will freeze some of it in freezer bags so I have something to eat when I come home from work. I spend $2.30 for my lunch when I am at work...I buy a slice of beef or turkey, one slice of cheese, a roll for .34 and get mustard and mayo packets from the deli. Now he can figure out that food is not cheap when trying to cook decent meals for dinner and he can suffer with having crock pot meals with the meat and veggies together because this is more economical than what he actually wants. I have sacrificed a lot for him over the years, all I am asking is that he give a little more for this next year until my car is paid off.

The house we live in, we bought in 1980, when I lost my job, we had to refinance so basically we have had to pay twice for our house. I appreciate my husband doing that, however, he will not put any of his money into fixing up the house. I paid for new flooring in the kitchen, which it needs done again...I bought a new dishwasher after 3 years without one, I paid for half the living room furniture because hubby was falling asleep on the couch every night and it ruined the couch, breaking it down,etc. Couches are not meant for 24/7 use. He is not sleeping all night on the couch and as a result, the furniture has held up for 5 years now. When I save the money to replace something in the house, he wakes up and his pride is hurt, then he will save money to help replace things. We still have the original carpet in the house when we bought it. The carpet in our master bedroom is the original carpet that was put in when the house was built. The house was built in 1970!! We need to paint the interior of the house...kitchen, living room hallway. Hubby will not help do it, so I hope this spring I can get it done. We have popcorn ceiling which requires more paint to cover and if hubby is inclined to help, he won't paint the ceilings.

Now yard is another problem. Hubby will mow the lawn twice a month during the warmer weather. He will not weed, prune the bushes, yet he want bushes instead of flowering plants. I buy perennials that bloom so I don't have to replace annuals every year. I have tendonitis in my right arm, I can't prune bushes endlessly without a flare up of tendonitis. Yes, I am venting big time here but I get so tired of having a hubby who was raised to be soooo pampered by the women in his life so all he has to do is come home from work and veg on the couch. He is just like his father.

I received another refund check from my insurance today...this one is all for meeeeee!!! I need some facial moisturizer!! End of vent!!

My ex husband and I well, we had a checking acct, but I did not have access to it,
bur he used to hand over cash because I was taking care of his children at the time, well he decided my role as a wife and what I did as a wife was not important, as his, he got mad that family grocery shopping money went for school pictures etc., and started buying generic hot dogs, pizza and spaghetti, before I knew it, I started working nights, because he wanted me to buy MY own food, if I was not happy with HIS choices, it escalated from there, I was now a whore because I worked at night (he would not pay a baby sitter if I worked during the day, which is why I was home, I still had a small daughter) until my pastor told me, I wasn't breaking up my marriage, my husband had done it for me, by not being my husband.

Emergency fund yes, not believing in yourself, no!

Gladimhere,

I just wanted to add the fact, that on account of all this chaos going on w/'my sister, and I hear about it ad nauseum, until I slap myself in the face and detach......this is why I decided in opting out of Thanksgiving this year.

Too much damn drama, and I don't need it. Now if there are just too many factors as to why people would show up at what should otherwise be a civil event, and it's not......I at least just don't want to go there anymore. You sound like you're going to make the right choice for yourself.

Hugs,
Stay Strong!
Margeaux

Gladimhere,

I didn't know that a guiardian's responsibility was to make suggestions as such about improving your relationship with your family.

IMHO, I don't think you should go along with this. You have your feelings about this, which are very good ones not to want to attend. I'm telling you, much of this kind of chaos, by my sister exists. Last couple of years this has only escalated, because she became a grandmother. So of course there's been the baptismal, the first birthday parties. In this......there's been her daughter who bonded w/her step dad and is included.Then there's also her daughter's own father. So my sister doesn't like the fact when both these guys are invited, especially the step dad. Stepdad, is father of a second daughter w/my sis too. So there's all these layers. But then get this one........sis has a boyfriend. There's obvious tension w/him and from what I understand, it's unwillingness to be accepting of all this.
Well, he wasn't at my sister's grandson's 1st birthday party. Now finally after I been w/my husband several years, he finally got it that the step dad, was once my sister's husband. He said to me......."I don't blame her boyfriend for not wanting to be at these events." Sure.....because there are not one, but two exe's of my sister's there. My husband finally admitted even to me his inner thinkings about having an ex present. Of course, many people will say stuff like, "Oh, you should do it," because it w/make so & so feel good, in this case your mom.
But after we've figured it out, and the psychological torture we need to subject ourselves to, to accomplish this feat, NO THANX!

Anyway, that's my two cents. How completely insensitive of your daughter!
Have a nice uncomplicated dinner w/your friends.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharynmarie,

Wow! This is exactly the reason why I don't have a FB account.
You probably should just leave it alone. This could get sticky, and convoluted.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Cherljane,

This is brilliant, you telling your mother the very same thing!
I many, many years ago was with the wrong type of guy. He had lot's of psychological problems, and a horrible drug habit. He'd say, he was going to kill himself. But.....when I finally got it, that he was also saying this to ME, so that he could extract pity, and really control me because that's what started happening in this relationship....I finally after being told this over and over again, said, "Yes, you should just end it all and kill yourself." I'll never forget the look on his face, like he'd been caught playing quite a deceitful game upon me, with the issues around control. Yes, it's good that you realize these as manipulative comments,
Funny how after I made this comment to this guy, this stopped, but I got out of this sick relationship too, thank the cosmos.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Thanks for this thread. I was just wondering this morning if any caregivers are enjoying this role? Are there elders who are not verbally and emotionally abusive? Is that all we have to look forward to as we age? OY! Yesterday I was so depressed. I went for a walk in the beautiful snow and sunshine and felt 200% better. I realized I must accept a lot of this situation while truly taking care of my own self (mind, soul, body) whatever it is that I must do. Step back. If you can't please the elder, what difference will a day that you take off make? You'll get a breather and find it easier to be loving without the constant demands. Find a volunteer: www.elderhelpers.org try anything to keep your sanity. When the elder parents are gone, you want to be intact! If we don't carve our own space out, keep a distance to some extent, renew and strengthen your bond with God, and friends who support you, keep connected to something you enjoy doing as an outlet: if you neglect that you too will be a nasty mean elder when you get their age. That's how it looks from here. Counseling as been very beneficial in releasing the past hurts that empower the newly inflicted hurts. Breathe and watch Teepah Snow on youtube. Laugh, cry, and keep connected here.

I think that as I pull away emotionally as the crutch for Mom, she too can let go and accept the end of her life. A lot of elder angst is non-acceptance and rage about death maybe. I think there is some wisdom in seeing life on its own natural terms. Help the parent with closure. Maybe it is not healthy to enable their clinginess and delusions. If they make it into the 90s it is time to take stock of the past, stay in the moment, try to find peace, and let go. Letting go for all of us is as important as embracing the moment. The Spirit inside will be intact and lives on. Step back and see the whole show. That's what I have been thinking lately.

Quick update: Well looks like I mite be getting floors for XMAS!! I don't want to say too much yet and jinx it but the new bid came in last nite and looks pretty darn good. He still is a tiny bit over on the floor part but not much, good enough to make it work. Hopefully work out the couple issues and get a contract signed today!!!

Bermuda,
Hang In there, this is a depressing job. You are among like minds and moods! I too have bouts and battles with depression, it is not fun, it is almost inevitable with this job I believe!!!! ((((hugs)))))

Sharyn and book thanks for responses. This has happened before, where I have asked my daughter not to invite ex. She blew up, it is my party and I will conduct it any way I want! Na, na, na, na, na, na. With all the sibling issues of the past two and a half years it is just more than I can fathom in one place at one time. Christmas eve has traditionally been with me, Christmas day with him. Just too much for me this year. Last year sibling had celebration and I was not invited, spent my first Christmas eve ever alone. Got out of the house though, went shopping for gifts for mom and hubby to give each other. That was very depressing!

Ok im new to this site...im new to these problems....lets see....my mom passed unexpectly in feb of this year, before she passed we had talked about my dad and trying to get him diagnoised with PSTD...he is a WWII vet, and in the last 10 years he has been increasanly nasty....always yelling and screaming at my mom as well as me and my other siblings 2 brothers and a sister...he has been having nightmares screaming things like "get down" like he back on the front line on D Day. I have witnessed him push my mom a few times...and over the past few years shes had a broken arm and a broken verebrae. Now that she is gone he has gone downhill....i have had him evaluated by mental health and he gas gone from 26/30 in march to 22/30 last month... i am the only one who lives in the same small town its up to me to look after him...he insists on living in his own home and is very stubborn as well as being nasty and mean. I have been trying to grieve for my mom/best friend but have put that onthe back burner while I deal with all the things my dad needs done, paying his bills setting up bank accounts...cancelling all my moms stuff ie credit cards etc...do his grocery shopping, taking him to appts. And everyday i dread going to see him or call him....hes told me to get the hell out of his house and not come back...and i dont talk to him for weeks but send my hubby over to visit him when this happens, who by the way he treats better than me his own daughter! I feel like im losing the battle and none of my other siblings are stepping up to the plate. They too are mad at him for treating them like crap. I just feel Im going to lose it....and that wont be good. My sister & i have enduring POA and we made sure my Dads will is done. I have one brother who would rob him blind if he could. And now i find out my dad is telling that brother that im using his my to pay my bills which Im not doing and my sister can see im not as she also has accsess to his bank accounts. Soooo i need help!!!!

Iwentanon – Sharyn said it perfectly about taking a person with dementia out of their home and daily routine. Hopefully, by you going back to her regular daily schedule, she might go back to her normal. However, remember, the disease progresses – not improves. So… if she still remains like this 3 months down the road, with her regular schedule, then… this is her “normal current baseline” now.

Gladim, Did you turn down your daughter with a very subtle “guilt trip” response? Or a SUBTLE reprimand? There is a way to do this where your daughter learns, deep down, that what she did with your Ex was a no-no. That you have your pride and will not condone her shenanigans. Sometimes, your children are never too old to be taught etiquette and family values. It doesn’t matter if your sibling put her up to it. Your daughter is an adult and should have known better WHY you were having xmas dinner with her. If not for you, then for her grandmother – and not some sibling rivalry between her mother and aunts/uncles. Know what I mean?

Bermuda, I know how hard it is to be very very depress. I have 2 kinds – the regular depressions that I get several times a year, and then the BIG one – that is once a year. I had the BIG one last year June when I became seriously suicidal. I just had this year’s BIG one this past Oct/Nov and finally slowly climbing out of it this month. {{HUGS}}

Sharyn, it’s a sad thing when a spouse doesn’t believe you about his own family. My youngest sister (even my ex bf), refused to believe our childhood. When we all got together and talked about our childhood, her husband told us that he didn’t believe his wife all those stories she told. My ex-bf thought I was Exaggerating. After the ex, I never told anyone again about my childhood…except to my therapist. And a few nuggets here on AC. Sharyn, as for your son, he cannot wish you a birthday or even refer to it. Don’t try to trick him into doing it. My family did this with me, and it irritated me over and over for years. Until I blew up, and I had reached the point of Deciding to Permanently End my relationship with favorite sis. She was not honoring my religious beliefs. And she was forcing me to see Why my religion encouraged us to separate ourselves from non-believers. As for your hubby…. start saving as much as you can. An emergency fund. {{HUGS}}

My husband would put me down based on income, he would not and will not socialize with my friends which why I lost friends because I won't go out with him. We only socialized with his friends and family...when my family comes around, my hubby would ignore them..not acknowledge them. This is how his father is. He has gotten better. I quit socializing with his friends and family unless he will socialize with mine. His mother supported him in his choices. My hubby uses money and affection as way to control. This is why we are at a crossroads with our son. He wants to give less to our son, he won't communicate with our son what he wants or expects. He favors our daughter...he wants to punish our son based partly on the fact that our son is like me...not mentally capable of earning $60K a year, partly because our son does not meet his expectations. Our daughter is very intelligent (so is our son but he is more emotional), our daughter uses her intellect to future her career choices, our son uses his intellect to be more of a loving husband even if it means he misses time off work to be there for family. My son does not make the best choices for his own needs. Hubby wants a son who thinks like he does...I am getting too old to play these games in order to keep peace. My hubby is not physically aggressive but he does play passive aggressive games. I am damn tired of having to set boundaries that end up emasculating him to wake him up to reality. I thought we had worked all this out...now I have set boundaries again with money so he will think of us a couple instead of it being all about what he wants.

Ask yourself if you're in an abusive relationship. Look at the list below from the University of Virginia, and answer honestly and without justifying your partner's behavior (that is, don't say "Well, she's not like that ALL the time," or "It's only happened once or twice"). Simply answer yes or no. If you find yourself putting down a lot of yes answers, chances are you're in a controlling relationship[1]:
Does your partner:
Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
Put down your accomplishments or discourage your goals?
Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
Use intimidation, guilt, or threats to gain compliance?
Tell you that you are nothing without them, or they are nothing without you?
Treat you roughly without your consent - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
Blame you for how they feel or act?
Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?
Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?
Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?
Do you:
Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act, or react?
Feel responsible for your partner's feelings?
Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s selfish behavior?
Believe that you can help your partner change, or improve the relationship, if only you changed something about yourself?
Try not to do anything that would cause conflict, make your partner angry, or upset?
Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?
Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?
3Evaluate how your other relationships have changed. Are your family relationships and friendships increasingly filled with tension every time your partner's name comes up, or with your partner when their names come up? Red flags should go up if everyone who cares about you is becoming worried or being pushed away by your partner.
Does this person bring out your best, or worst traits? Do you feed each others' best self, or have you seen your attitudes change to more closely mirror your partner's, which puts off your family and friends?
Be aware of the way he/she behaves with your family and friends, especially if she/he antagonizes them, argues with them, or behaves dismissively.
Are you realizing it's just become easier not to spend time with friends and family you've loved for years before meeting your partner, rather than try to get your partner to join you?
When you are social, do you only spend time with your partner's friends and family, and feel alienated from your own?

Just to clarify some things. I get an average of 24-30 hours a week. My job is very important to me. I go in early when called, I come in on my days off if I don't have appt.s for myself, mom or if hubby and I don't have something planned. Out of my pay check, I pay my car payment which is $350.00 a month. I have one more year to pay on it. I purchased a LTC policy a few months ago...my husband resents it. For this next year until October 2014, I am strapped regarding my pay check. When he goes to the grocery store to buy food for the house, he only buys things he likes....jalapeno cheddarwurst, cans of chili, frozen buffalo flavored chicken tenders, bread that I don't like..it is too sweet and I prefer sourdough, ham lunch meat which I again will not eat. On my days off, I go to the grocery store buy some chicken, beef or pork, and veggies so I can cook a decent meal of us. It ends up costing around $40 for the one meal. Hubby does not like stews, soups or a dinner with the meat and veggies cooked together with broth. He wants the meat, and veggies all cooked separately. Over that last 6 months, he has gotten where he hides the checkbook from me. I have decided that when he gets paid the Thursday after Christmas, I am telling him that he will have buy different meats for meals for 2 weeks and I will buy the veggies on my days off so I can cook a decent meal. I refuse to use the joint checking account as of yesterday. Control!!!