The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Last weekend I posted on facebook a post that was directed toward my son without trying to make him feel targeted. What resulted was I got birthday wishes from friends on my friend list and that was not my goal. Now I am feeling very guilty and selfish because these people don't know my situation with my son. I am not sure if I sure post something explaining that what my goal was and for others to not pay attention to my post. Should I just forget it? I thought I had set my settings so that my birthday would not show to the general friend list. My intentions was not to solicit birthday wishes from everyone. I screwed this up good this time...I guess I should just keep my mouth shut.

Iwentanon~Definitely take a dementia patient out of their normal routine and environment is going to cause confusion, disorientation and even emotional outbursts that can take several weeks to overcome. However, you are in a difficult position because your 86 year old lady has children that don't necessarily have their mother's best interest at heart and they want to swoop in...spend holiday time with her due to their guilt without considering how it affects their mother in the long run. Whether it is something you can stop or just have to go along with, I don't know. Eventually, their mother will act out while in their care...then they will stop because they are not equipped to handle it, don't want to handle it,etc. Your tree sounds wonderful. Our tree is also artificial. I want to get a smaller artificial tree for the kitchen that I can decorate with the decorations my children made while growing up. I will look around after Christmas for good buys on a 4 ft or 3 ft tree.

Glad~I also have been depressed since the last weekend. I can appreciate what you are saying about your daughter inviting the ex and his wife to Christmas Eve dinner. It is a tough spot to be in. Can you go but avoid contact with your ex and his wife...My in-laws one year at Christmas, arranged it so that my husband and kids were in a different room than me...that way my mother -in-law could raked\ her claws over me without my husband or kids present. Maybe you could tell your daughter the only way you will come is if you do not have to be in the same room as your ex and his wife, including during dinner. My in-laws set up a table in their front room and designated it for my kids, my husband, my father-in-law, brother and sister-in-law and their kids. The kitchen is where I was told sit with mother-in-law, aunt-in-law, the mother of the boy who was the father of bil's pregnant daughter and a couple other people. I was subjected to my mother-in-laws innuendo during the entire meal. It was heart breaking and this is why I refuse to spend holidays with my husbands family. My husband does not pick up on it, refuses to see that they do this to me. Whether we will continue to be married once my mother is gone is another story, but I will not have holidays with his family because there has been too much unnecessary hurt done to me because of control issues with his family. It is sad that I live my life with a second plan in place. Do what you have to do to keep your balance and happiness.

I am so very very very depressed.

Lwen-
definitely that much time away will cause a tremendous amount of disorientation! We see this in my mom even after just being gone out to lunch for a couple of hours.

I have not been in a good place for several days. Guardian appointed is certain mom is happy and well cared for. Won't be moving her at least for now. But guardian wants to try to begin to mend some family relationships. Good luck with that one! She convinced me to invite no assistance siblings for a meal Christmas, then travel 60 miles, me and siblings to my daughter's house for another meal. It wasn't easy I do not care to spend any sort of time with siblings and kind of resent them intruding with my kids and grandkids, but, oh well, it is good for mom if we can start getting along better, right? Sure, you betcha!

then my daughter dropped the bomb that she has also invited my ex and his wife to Christmas eve dinner. DEAL BREAKER! That gold digging wench that always has to make sure everyone, and probably especially me, how many vacations they are taking, then watching expensive gifts for the grand children. Nopeerino! Not going there. This is about the third time in the last week that plans have changed. Will stay home with mom and hubby and have a couple of dear friends over for a simple supper.

but how freaking thoughtless of my daughter, but I know darn good and well that one of the sibs had her hand in this to try to keep me away. Ok she wins another round, but it will all come back to haunt her, don't know where or when but I am waiting with baited breath!

Nobody is getting our 86 year old for Christmas, but they are getting her for New Years,
last time she left, (Thanksgiving , she came back in a mess, missed three doses of Advair and one dose of her evening meds which has her BP medicine in it) she came back disorientated and has not snapped out of it, yet.

Does anyone else know of this problem with Alzheimer's, deterioration through a visit away(53hr. window)? And if this is how the 86 year old responds to visits away, should the visits away from where she lives, stop happening? Like maybe lunch or dinner?
i know I can't stop her from the disease itself, or stop her from seeing her children, but the 53 hour break was not worth the deterioration...if you know what I mean.


I did make cookies with my grand daughter today, the powder sugared crescents and toll-house. I have a fake tree, pre-lit and decorations that are pretty simple, had to be
since the stroke...I do not want to mess around with the beaded garland, it is good enough with the dangling ribbons.

Book~My kindle fire is the original one not HD. I can go online, surf, check email and there are apps on it, but I have never used them I use it for reading books, and going online when I don't have access to the room the computer is in.

Welcome Cheryl!!

Juju and Joan~Fibromyalgia is very real. I think dr.s are better at acknowledging it today. It has taken 20 years or more for them to accept it.

Gotta run to the bank, icing my hip again...it is flaring up again. Have a good day!!

Emjo, the fibromyalgia... along with the mood issues, i also have heard people take the attitude that it is not real, or all in our head, just need to snap out of it this last one mostly with mood issues. It is real and it is challenging to deal with. My thoughts are with you on that and all of us and our medical issues we face in this process of aging! ((((((hugs)))))))

Hoping for a good day today, the anxiety is tapering off for me, I am trying to have faith and just let go, take some of my own advice. I am doing all i can!
My short Xmas list grew a bit. I go to town today for shopping/errands while my helper sits with ma!
Hope you all have a wonderful day!
Peace
Julie

Thanks.

a few days before Mom's stroke she got mad at God threw her hand upward to heaven and said what is the problem I said good by to everyone-she had the stroke a few days later and died two days later. Book you have done everything you could have done-he probably wants to die but if the pain gets bad he will go to the clinic as he has before-it is sad some just can't leave peacefully.

If God isn't letting him die, he must have unfinished business here too. I'm sorry he did not listen when you said it. Some elder parents can be are quite selfish, I am learning.

Cheryl, I wonder if that would work with father? I almost said it to him that I prayed to God all the time for death, and He also did not listen to me. He's currently mad at God for not letting him die even though he keeps praying for death. Welcome to the club. I've been praying that for years. And I'm still here. I guess I still have unfinished business to do here.....

Sharyn, I'm not sure if your Kindle is having this problem. But, Amazon found the solution. They recommend that we keep our Kindles fully charged and the wi-fi on so that your Kindle gets the new update to correct the Silk problem. They said to give it a few days. Off to bed, past midnight.
P.S.. above post where I was chuckling - that was info dated on 14Dec. I'm sleepy and decided to skip to the end. Solution was found yesterday.

I have found a little something that has worked. My mother gets down and says "oh I wish I would just go on and die". She's 8 . Well over the past couple of weeks, in the conversation, my younger brother and I have both said back to her at different times, "I wish I would go on and die too" and it seems she has snapped out of this self pity a bit and is not acting so clingy. She's attending several more events at her assisted living arrangement (bingo, etc.). Maybe us saying that too has made her think, she wants to help us not to feel that way. This may not be the most functional thing to do or say but I'm telling you it seems to have helped.

{{chuckling}} In almost every Google questions on this problem, Amazon customer service insists on Factory reset. People do it. Lose all their ebooks, music, videos, etc... and need to re-download. ... The kindle automatically goes into update mode. And several people are back where they started - with the problem. Same thing is happening even if you use Dolphin or Chrome browsers. Amazon customer service insists this is a rare occurrence. Well, based on what I'm finding, it is not going to remain Rare!

I'm finally narrowing down the Kindle fire's "accordian" (more like shaking black) problem. It's trending now on the customer complaints/Help! site. It seems everyone (mine included) started a few days ago. That is the same time that the Silk browser got updated. Shoots! One of them said that Amazon customer service said to do a factory reset. I don't know which books I downloaded that was not purchased from Amazon but from other sources. Still Googling for answers before I do that - factory reset.

When i opened my email on thought for the day, I couldn't help but think it sure applies to us, as caregivers.

When life seems hard, the courageous do not lie down and accept defeat:
Instead, they are all the more determined to struggle for a better future.
by Queen Elizabeth II

Sharyn,
you cracked me up with the cocoa butter crack, that is my sense of humor, very dry and blunt sometimes! I also have wondered the same thing tho actually, I never cared for white chocolate and why it was called that, wasn't close to chocolate!

and visit with the people there all alone at Forest Glen or Adams House!

Austin that sounds like fun, cuddling up and watching movies. Nothing like a nice warm blanket in a snow storm, with someone you love near you!!
I have been collecting Xmas movies on the dvr for us too for the holidays!! I cant bake this year but I did pick up a kit with premade gingerbread men with decorations. I haven't opened it but looks like fun and perfect for us no kitchen. Xmas + cookie making kinda just go together I decided just not to decorate at all this year, even our small tree we have issues with power and circuit breaker popping so just skip it. if I have an extra spurt of energy I want to use it to visit with folks in the assisted living by us for a Christmas spirit acknowledgment...

That was my alternate plan for christmas, if I had ended up stuck in this room cold and sappy, lay around and watch movies get some take out if I feel like finding someplace open and make gingerbread men!

Juju~Yum!! I love pot roast. I made a chicken cacciatore in the crock pot last week. When I am off this Thrus/Fri, I will make something again...either a pot roast or steak and bell peppers. I love the combination of bell peppers and onions together. I don't put the onions and bell pepper in until the last couple hours of cooking so they are not overcooked. For a big part of the Sierra Nevada Mountains this year, deer season in September was a bust due to the Yosemite Rim Fire.
Book~If your kindle is not a year old yet, it should still be under warranty. Amazon should honor the warranty and send your brother a new one no charge as long as the old one is returned within 30 days. That is what I did with my first kindle fire (not the HD, the original). Since your brother bought it for you, they will have that on record as it being under his name. Remember I told you my first kindle fire just quit working one day. I replaced it for free, but later found out that the kindle is prone to freezing up which my second kindle did the same thing. I set it aside for a month because I was so disappointed it happened again. When I recharged it after a month, it worked. That was when I researched it and found out they can freeze up. When I got the second kindle, I was able to transfer everything over to the new kindle...they tell you how to do it.

I went out this morning to do a little Christmas shopping. Something for my sister and my mom. Of course whenever I go out and come back home with a bag, Midget expects something too, LOL!! I did pick her up a pack of nylabones, they smell and taste like steak, so she is very happily chewing away right now at my feet. When Midget was living with mom, at mom's house, I would bring Midget a treat to teach her not to bark at me when I came over...the result is, she is used to getting a treat from me and she doesn't bark at me when I come in the house.

We keep the gift giving simple at Christmas time. I agree the focus is to spend, spend, spend, charge it whatever it takes. The jewelry store commercials are the worse. Say I Love You with a diamond, buy your daughter a diamond, etc. These poor men are expected to give a gift to make dreams come true and the only way to make your lady happy is with a diamond.

Have a good day everyone!!

Joan.
Your talk of roasts last week got me hungry, Friday they had a big sale on them so I am making a pot roast in the crock pot today, nice warm comfort food. and easy as we are limited. My moms old simple recipe, a big chunk of meat, can of mushroom soup, package of onion soup, cubed carrots onions potatoes and what ever else veggie I like to throw in more like green beans and peas. Oh yum yum. it is going to be good!
And back to the Moose and wild game few weeks back: They hunt birds and elk deer bear and Mlion here in my little country town. Previously back home you would have to drive for hours to get to hunting grounds. Here I know Deer season opened when I hear all the gunfire from (and ATV's going up) the hill behind me, around my bday. I am not used to it being so close to home! On the way to the coast we pass many area's where I see the elk out in force!

Thanks Austin,
Well I did want to add, I wont know for sure if this solves my issues till the numbers come in. If they are high again I will at least be more assured that I am not being jerked around and go to battle with the insurance company as I will have 3 bids all over his payout.
Keeping my fingers crossed and prayers going, lite a candle, whatever else I can do, lol!!!!

Juju great finding a good contractor -finally-things seem to be looking up for you-I am really glad. I keep Christmas simple -I am not good at cookies so made sugar cookies from a mix and put red and green cookie icing on top. I do not decorate-this year I am happy with my honey-so many holidays I sat home alone feeling sorry for myself-and those who know me know how things were with the husband so I am grateful to be in love with a great man-we are having the third snowstorm in a week here in the lower Hudson Valley of N.Y. so snowed in again-but have yarn for crocheting and books and sappy love stories to watch on Hallmark and Lifetime on TV.

Cmag, thanks for sharing! hang in there you have been thru a lot!
Sharyn, So glad your son contacted you, i kinda was thinking that, if we let go and don't expect much it just might happen and when it does it is that much more special!
With respect to gifting we didn't have much family drama there as we were so far from most family, just one gma n gpa and one uncle and his family. We would always go one of our homes after church xmas eve and open presents then xmas day was always at home just family time, board games, jigsaw puzzles, and sometimes we would go to the movies, or rent when that came along. I do remember at uncles house there where way more presents between there family than ours and sometimes remember mom saying something bout how it made her feel bad that she could not afford to gift as they did, i think i kinda remember feeling like that too, as a child, being in awe of the amount of presents under their tree and wondering why we don't have as many.
But as the years have gone by i just have grown to dislike the theme of going broke for a holiday and the commercialism of it all...stores pulling out the xmas stuff in sept, black Friday, jewelry perfume and booze ads flooding the TV etc....and tend to put the focus on quality time but not all appreciate that so I do gift and try when i can to make it all homemade stuff from the heart. kids is tuff for that so i buy or give money there. I don't have a lot of issues either cause we had small fam here and for the past 9 ys no family so it is just friends for me... anyway i do like to make a nice meal. spurge there. The last big one "we" did was prime rib and lobsters!!
I suppose i should try to make a list and get some stuff this year as i will not be baking or making anything. I just have my caregivers and the BFF we talked and are not gifting each other but i will do the boys. And we made plans yesterday for me to come down for a couple days on xmas, that just worked out nicely as i was sure she would be going to see family so had not expected it. I had no plan and with no decorating or anything this year I am thrilled about this and really need it cuz when the day comes and i am sitting here alone i would have been real sad (even tho i try to make it nice for us, it is always kinda hard cause it is all on me, all the work cooking shopping etc no one to even help set the table or anything) I had gone to some friends (or the Ex's when he was still in the picture) since being without family but we had our parting of the ways this year although we were friends we were not closeknit tight friends and it never did feel right! Yup it will be a good one, I could not be more happy about spending xmas with my dear friends, this will be the best one since the Ex!!!!

Going back a bit here to our comments on the depression/ptsd/CGburnout and suppliments...I am reminded of the lovely Peri-menopause DR told me few years back that was an issue i am now dealing with too.....omg could we have more grief from our biology, bad enuf we have to suffer every month with the discomforts of it all then when it is leaving us has to mess with us too!

Well on top of me having a good feeling about my new contractor. I was on the phone with my flooring guy. I mentioned that I had a new contractor and he had said he knows you guys well. He responded overwhelming positive feedback and was so happy I got this guy, he gushed about him! I have loved working Nate very much since the beginning, and trust him, He has been a easy flexible logical and plain wonderful to work with, I trust him. So for him to say this to me was such a relief and to have found this new guy the way I did (just venting to an acquaintance and she sent him to me, and gushed about him as well, he called within couple hours and was here next day) and then to get that kind of confirmation. It was a blessing!!!!

Well wishing you all a nice day and a big hug to everyone! Gotta get busy
Peace,
Juju

Cmag it was good to hear from you. I went on disability at 59 and had the husband to care for the next 9 years but while he could be left alone I started one activity at our senior center when he was not having a crisses-and I found volunteering was great for me. Crocheting handmade items to donate gives me much pleasure. You have great insight and I could see you leading some kind of support group-I am sure you will find something you enjoy to do with your time and sometimes it is nice to just retreat from everything. I do not mind these snowy days that keep me inside. I am blessed to have a great man in my life-I had the worse not have the best-this is what I have wished and prayed for for so long-I never expected to be happy.

Book, glad your dad is feeling better today. What is the problem with lithium batteries and international waters? I hadn't heard anything about it, and Santa is booked, maybe the stork can deliver in a pinch?

Does anyone have a Kindle Fire HD7? For the past week, when I go online on it - like read here on AC while trying to sleep - the screen turns black. It looks like the screen is trying to scroll up or down but it's STUCK. I can see it "shaking" on the blackness. I can only read the way bottom page. I just Googled the problem. It seems that Amazon did an update early this year. The updates messed up the Original software. As I read comments after comments, it seems it's not an instantaneous problem - like it downloaded on Jan 1st, and All kindles had problems immediately. It ranges from January to the month I'm currently reading the complaints - July. More and more people are complaining. Those who still own the Regular Kindle (before the HD's) are NOT having this problem. So, they're going back to their old kindles. Darn! That was $200 and I only had it for almost 1 year. My sister just bought for her daughter the new version HD7 as a xmas present. I will try first to clean the cache, clear the history, delete all my music out of my Kindle (still in the amazon cloud)... then do a Hard reset. I will Not want to do the factory reset. I've downloaded some ebooks that were not bought from Amazon. I would lose those if I did that. It just means that I can no longer use it for online. I would ask my brother to buy the cheaper kindle (older version) except the Post Office is very aggressive now about sending anything by mail thru international waters - anything with a Lithium battery. That means most companies now refuse to send to our island any cell phones or ereaders to us. So, I don't know how baby brother will be able to buy and send it to me.

Yeah, I can see some of my siblings removing the taped paper and destroying it. Then putting their names on it - as first. Sharyn, I'm glad that your son did contact you. There was 2 ways to go for him, and I'm soooo glad he chose That one! ...
I don't believe in mixing personal with work. But then, I've been in my job for 20 years - just me and my 2 bosses. So, I don't think my point-of-view is the best to follow. When we attend luncheon and dinner functions with our business associates, I do Not even sit on the same table with them. In the beginning, people tried to put us in one table, but we all refused. So, we've been doing this for 20 years. But go with your Guts. If M makes you comfortable, and her personality is like yours, then I say "Go for it!" L is another matter. I don't care for people who don't know how to take "No" as an answer. I wonder if she truly has given up? Or will she research your anxiety and come up with a "solution" for you. =)

Hi Cmag! I think your depression is understandable. Your mother just passed away this year and I believe you are still grieving - in your own way. {{Hugs!}}

I have been meaning to repost this regarding family belongings who gets what when a person passes away. I think it was countrymouse who brought this up. After my husband's grandfather passed away, his grandmother told all the grandchildren and her two daughters to put their name and date on paper, tape it on it the back of her furniture and other belongings that they wanted. This worked very well for their family and the items were given according to who named and dated it first...also if someone saw that another person had already claimed it, they would not put their name on it. It depends on a family's dynamics if this will work for everyone.

Juju and Margeaux~Thank you!!

Margeaux~I really have to watch what I say to co-workers...not because they blab...because there is always the potential that they will blab. Friday, I went shopping with M. She is the one I talked about in my post to Cmag. We did not discuss work while we were out, and it is not like she and I are going to be doing this on a weekly basis. I am very comfortable with her, she is a very kind person. Her husband does all the refinishing of the furniture she buys. My hubby will not do that, LOL!!! Getting my hubby to find a screw driver for me is an undertaking on it's own...that is why I have my own tool chest. I know the co-workers that I have to keep a distance from but L is hard to resist sometimes. She is very much the extrovert, likes to socialize, plan parties. Currently she is working on putting together a Holiday Party for January...it would include our store and a couple other stores in our area.She has been asking me to go. I finally told her I have social anxiety with large groups which is true. She is one of those who doesn't take no for answer. I think she may have gotten the message because she hasn't brought it up again. This is why I don't like being sent to work in other stores....I have to talk myself through it for days ahead of time up to when I walk in the door. My sense of humor is dry and not all get it. Here at this store, people find me funny so I am more comfortable here. An example...I asked the woman second in command, "why do they call this white chocolate, it does not taste anything like chocolate?" She said good point it doesn't. When the the bakery manager back in, she asked him that question saying Sharyn says it does not taste like chocolate. He looked at me saying, it is because it has a certain % of cocoa butter in it. I responded...so does hand lotion, they don't call it chocolate!! Another store would have found that not accepting policy and blah blah blah...but here they see my humor...so it is a good fit for me.

Hugs to everyone, tomorrow is another day, rest well!!