The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Joan~Taking a break is a good idea. I understand what you say about not waiting for G, I have to do a lot on my own (which is ok with me) because my husband is basically a couch potato, friends are more into socializing by going out dancing at clubs...not my scene.

My sister's daughters are not aware of what is going on with her job or how her health is. I will not tell at this time because I feel my sister should be the one to it. Sis is determined to get a second part time job and her current employer will allow her to work the 20 hours however she wants. I hope and pray she work it out. I am going to keep a check on things because...my sis has access to mom's money and desperate times call for desperate actions. I know that sounds horrible for me to say it, but survival can cause us to do things we would not otherwise do. Sis thinks she can get food stamps but I know other older adults who tried that and were turned down because their income was considered enough for one person even though the person could not make it on their own. It is very sad to see her scrambling. In the past when she got in these situations, mom and dad always helped her. Her insurance will run out soon, I hope she can get medicare but i don't know how that works for people under 65.

I am having pain on and off today. My daughter pinned some stretches for sciatic nerve which I have been doing when it gets too much. The problem with laying on the floor to stretch is then Midget comes running over starts licking my neck and ears,LOL!! Laughter is good medicine!!

Take care Joan, enjoy some positive, fun experiences!!
Hugs and love,
Sharyn

My epiphany

It is related to dysf fams and to caregiving. All my life I have been put in the “servant girl”, put in the Cinderella role. My mother and sister have taken holidays when they felt like it, but especially since mother came out here, they look at me with disapproval when I go on holiday or travel with G. In their mind I should be available to mother at all times and put her first in my life. So I have felt a little guilty about taking holidays though it has not stopped me. NO MORE!!!! What I already knew, but hadn’t accepted totally on an emotional level, finally it sunk in. I am free to make my own plans and look after myself. I will put a decent effort – at least – into seeing that mother’s needs are met, but I will not let her or sis’s criticisms and put-downs affect me anymore. This has also extended to my life with G. He is a very independent male and makes his own plans to care for the horses etc. I need a break from the cold weather, G spends his spare time hauling hay and horses and whatever else is involved in their care. We do take holidays, but I need a longer time away, and I can’t wait for him. He will likely be doing this fore a while yet. So I am thinking about what I can do to spend more time somewhere south and with more social contact, which I feel I need. If I could find someone who needed a house sat for a month in the winter, for example, in a warmer place, I would jump at it and do it for free! So my mind is more open now for this kind of thing. One of my dreams for several years has been to visit the states and the growing number of people I am getting to know on the internet. I have corresponded with some of them for over 10 years and they are dear friends. I am quite happy in an inexpensive hotel/motel and could do a combination of flight and bussing to get places. It is on my “bucket list”. Anywhere is warmer than here. I wonder if there is a house sitting site online. My nephew (sis’s son) in the UK has very warmly invited me to stay there and recommends May or early June. I want to do that too. My retirement plans have worked out so I am better off that I thought I would be and I think my pensions are pretty secure. This is not necessarily so for younger people due to the baby boom and possible cut backs.

Gut quite upset today. I suspect stress as I have not changed my diet and was doing quite well. This too will pass, but I don’t feel up to much. However, this morning I ground several lbs. of moose meat. The electric grinder makes it very easy. When I next shop I may compare the price of cheap beef to hamburger and see if it is worth grinding my own hamburger. It certainly would be fresher and safer. According to the internet it can be cheaper depending on the cuts you use and if you buy on sale, which I always do when possible.

I think I have to take a break from all this for a short while and think about happy things – maybe look for a house sitting site on line. 

Have a good day all (((((((hugs)))))))

Margeaux – I don’t know about a tight rope anymore. If I sacrifice my relationship with sis and even with mother, exercising my responsibilities, so be it. Really nothing lost, and I have been alienated from them before, They think nothing about behaving atrociously to people and then expecting all to be forgotten when it suits them. It is not worth it for me. It seems that legal power will be necessary and sis may well fight that tooth and nail. I don’t think she has a leg to stand on, but that may not stop her trying. Sorry to hear that your mother’s stomach is not good. It may just be old age –but that can require a change in her eating habits. Mother has a touchy stomach and finds rice and fish work best for her. But I hear that your suggestions are not welcomed. I have written mother’s attorney and will again soon. I think a strong letter from her is the only thing that has a chance to stop my sis. Yes, I am in good relationship with the ALF staff and mother’s case manager and we have one another’s support. I think this is very important re mother’s care. Had my sis been pleasant and cooperative with them and the only issue was whether or not to move mother, I think I could have agreed to it. But seeing how antagonistic sis is and how she had inflamed mother’s paranoia, I can’t go along with it.

Hi jennifers -welcome. I suspect every family has some dysfunction. Most if not all of us on this thread are dealing with some pretty severe dysfunctions as narcissism, personality disorders, abusive behaviours, denial that have existed in the family from the get go. This makes caregiving an elder more difficult. Feel free to share more about your situation when you are ready.

Sharyn, I hope the sciatica is subsiding. I know it is very painful. It is very sad about your sister. Do you know if her daughters are aware of the condition she is in? There comes a time to give up house ownership –depending on age and/or health. Sounds to me like your sis is not good at dealing with many things, and has unrealistic expectations of herself and others.

Kitkat - what a nightmare!!! We see many in denial, and it complicates things so much. I am glad after all that time you have guardianship. It is wonderful that they were reunited, too bad it didn’t work out. It is sad that you cannot trust some professionals. You have had really bad experiences there. I hate that the courts have to be involved but sometimes it is necessary. I am sorry that no family will help you. Prayers are not a substitute for IRL assistance. Yes it all is very unfair. You can certainly come here and “talk” by writing -venting and looking for input. I and others find it helps a lot. Women tend to need to talk about things to figure them out. I know I am that way. I do hope that the division of money is fair. And you do need to spend some time with your children, Are there any programs that provide some respite. You must have some breaks whether your mother likes it or not.

Glad -your insights are valuable.

Kitkat, all too familiar. Though I care for both in my moms house of 50 years, I have siblings that don't recognize or acknowledge that our mom has Alzheimer's. Siblings even paid a deposit for them in a facility without talking to moms hubby about it and he is competent! They seem to think that mom will be happy as long as she is with him. They forget to consider whether he would be able to do that, or if he would even want to. Siblings not providing the care have absolutely no idea of needs or what an appropriate living situation would be. My mom is a handful, but she is happy and comfortable in her home.

My mother has Alzheimer's , her husband has dementia from a head injury and stroke. They both can become agitated and aggressive. His family was in denial about their deficits and believed whatever the two of them said was the truth. Therefore, I was the bad guy. They had no interest in caring for our parents, I asked them to let me be the bad guy to our parents, as I felt this would help them having a sounding board. However, they thought I did whatever the parents said, and we're constantly yelling and arguing with me and saying, "that's not what they said". It even got so bad that mother and step dad drove to Florida, they left in the middle of a snow storm, the step siblings knew they had gone, where they were staying and had their phone number, but would not let me know where they were. I called the sheriff, explained the situation, gave him information on them and they were able to locate them and I was able to talk to my mom. This was five years ago. Mother and I rarely talked after, as he controlled her calls. Last May, mother broke her arm in two places and required surgery. At this time the hospital was able to locate me as they didn't feel either of them were competent to sign the surgery release. The doctor and hospital informed me that they had gotten lost several times that week trying to get to appointments and had missed her admission time for surgery twice. Then he got lost two more times coming to the hospital......at this point his son had to realize that he had deficits. Then we put them together in rehab, where they constantly tried to escape. During this time I hired an attorney to get guardianship over my mother.
After rehab, we tried putting a caregiver in their home, it lasted less than a week. They attacked the caregiver and chased her out of the house. The police were called, I took my mother home with me. Her husband was left in the home in the care of his son. It took all summer to get guardianship. During this time, he was left alone in their home, he lost 30 pounds. Mother was with me, she was a handful, very busy, and of course not realizing that she had any deficits. In her mind she still exercises and golfs daily.
They were reunited at an Assisted Living Memory Care Unit last August. They were a force to be dealt with. I would go in and clean their apartment
and shower mother, then occupy mother while they showered her husband.
In July, mother lost the ability to walk. She had refused all medication since entering the facility(her husband gave her her "vitamins") and she had been given depakote and seraquel, which are not recommended for use with dementia patients, but are often given.(I trusted the nurse practitioner and did not do my
research). Mother has been living with me since her hospitalization. She has a new neurologist and after being on the Exelon patch, is walking again, but needs more care than they can provide at assisted living. I tried her in a Family Home, where she and her husband could be together, that was supposedly experienced in caring for dementia patients, but they had absolutely no idea what to do when she became anxious or agitated....they chose to confront.....big mistake.....needless to say, this didn't work so she is back with me and the steps don't want to try to get them together. We are also fighting over the "splitting of the money". They feel that they should be able to keep all of the money. Hopefully the court will agree in an equitable distribution of funds. Court is on Friday.
My siblings and mother's family want nothing to do with caring for mom. They will not even help so that I can be away from mom. I do have one NA that mother does well with, but she is not always available.
Being her caregiver is so frustrating. There is little to no family support, other than a text or FB message, saying we are in their prayers. Prayers are wonderful and very much needed, but they are not a substitute for actual support. I need to be able to TALK about what is going on and to have the family step up and help when I need it. And to come over and visit. I know taking care of her is challenging, but I am not asking for them to do more than a few hours so that I may also be with my children.
The selfishness of the steps to deny our parents being together and for thinking they have a right to keep all of the money....this is so unfair.

Jinx~I am concerned for my sister's health. She will have to get the perfect second part time job where she can sit the entire time she is at work. She refuses to consider retirement disability which I think she may have to do but she would still probably have to sell her house. I understand the value of having a house too. If she sold her house here in California, she could buy a smaller home in Kentucky paying cash for it and be near her daughters so they can help with her health concerns. We shall see what happens with her.

Show me one family who doesn't have some dysfunction.

Emjo,

I did get that feeling regarding your sister and the paranoia. Given the fact that she doesn't live close nor participates, it's highly questionable the so called decisions she's trying to make, and the way she is going about it. I realize for you that having to deal w/this is like walking a tight rope. But good that you're able to separate the fact from fiction, which I think there's plenty going on here.

I not being the one as involved as my sister, am vigilant as to how I approach any questions concerning mother's care because first and foremost of all no matter how difficult my sister's style of control is.....she does get the job done. When I visited the other day, the caregiver told me that a couple weeks ago mom seemed to be having some serious stomach problems. According to her, she was vomiting and just wasn't keeping any thing in her system. She doesn't have a gallbladder anymore. So definitely the eating plan, has changed. It was evening time. The caregiver prepared a simple salad for her. Then she served her a bowl of cut up watermelon. I mentioned to the caregiver that possibly the watermelon was too much as far as the amount was concerned, and that melon should really be eaten earlier in the day, and really on it's own. My sister was in the garage, and apparently heard my comment to the CG, and said, "She only eats a little bit." So, I'm aware that any thing I question is always met with defensiveness and resistance. I didn't think she heard what I said to the CG. Just goes to show me how much radar she has.

Is your mom's attorney aware that your sister is doing all of this? If she is not appointed in any legal way, I would think that she just can't do this. You appear to have pretty good communication with the ALF staff your mom currently resides in. So that's good.
I remember when my sister was having so many issues with the battle ax.
My sister had POA at this time of her legal matters. Then since they fought so bitterly, my aunt asked our youngest brother to accompany her to her attorney's office. She revoked my sister's POA, put this brother as POA. So now, the next time my sister tried calling the attorney to unscramble some mess left over from "golden boy's," era......battle axe's attorney wouldn't even talk to my sister.
In any case, this is why I would think that at least your mom's attorney could have some say about who the actual person to make legal decisions is, that being you.
You're getting the bases covered.

Yes, cooking for many people I come to find, they look at it as a hassle.
My neighbor is one of those. She'll bring up all the negative aspects of it,
like how she's done it already in the past. She doesn't like the clean up, because she's only one person. But she talks w/this negative tone about many things.
Many things she prepares, are heated in the microwave.

Thanx for the take on the photo and dob, issue.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

glad - That's cold enough. We are at minus 4 right now. In the coldest months it will go down to minus 20, 30 or even 40 sometimes. I really need to get away those months. (Jan Feb are the worst). The other factor is that the winters are so long. It used to be very dry here, but the weather is changing. Forecasters anywhere are not great. To gross you out this morning, I will be grinding up some moose for mooseburger. I have lots of roasts but ground meat is more versatile! Moose chili is great! lol

Emjo-
It is 8 Fahrenheit here now, with a forecast low today of -7. BRRR. This is supposed to continue at least until Sunday in Colorado. Not much snow this morning, only about an inch. When it gets this cold here we usually do not see much snow because the climate is so dry. But they had forecast up to about 8 inches this morning, the forecasters around here usually blow that too.

ok Sharyn I get it, Mother's attorney has been great,

book - mother will not disappear - it is sis who will move her. I want to prevent sis doing that and interfering with her life as mother is much worse since sis has visited. If it was simply a matter of "finding" mother after a move I think I could do that, but it is more than that. Sis is inflaming mother's paranoia and attacking/negativel impressing the people who care for mother.

thx for the "word"

Word for the day:
Once we know our weaknesses, they cease to do us any harm.
(georg christoph lichtenberg)

Joan, I agree, go to the bigger community. You will get some varied answers. I think your sister will do what you suspect she will do. As for your mom, if she does the disappearing act, as POA, you might be able to obtain her new address from the bank? Not sure how that works - if it does. Best to nip it at the bud rather than doing hiding-go-seek with you seeking where mother is hiding.

Sharyn.. my bro-of-next-door is very proud that he has a house, a 2 story duplex, and a large land. But it's not enough. He's now looking at this house/land. It's all about status. Having a home means you made it big - compared to renting. You tried to talk to her about her health. Now it's up to her. I hope you're feeling better tomorrow. Or atleast the pain goes down a bit. {{HUGS}}

Hi DiNY!

Jinx-thank youfor responding..I will talk more with you tomorrow.. too much pain with sciatic nerve. Hugs to you!

Joan- what meant by your own attorney is based on my experience with my mothers attorney who was no help until mom was diagnosed incapacitated. As long as your mothers attorney is willing to work with then have her do Wyatt needs to be done. Thank you for the prayers! Love and hugs!

Sharyn -re the pain - prayers...

glad - I am in contact with mother' s lawyer, ( a "she")and, as I said, just waiting for the mental health assessment to determine what I feel is necessary. Thanks for mentioning repercussions - you are right.

It is not a matter of not being licensed or not having staff, but that mother is too healthy and does not need the services they offer. They are under the control of Alberta Health who decides who goes in there and who doesn't. It is designated for seniors with greater needs than mother has. There are levels of assistance and she doesn't fit any of them. Even at 101 mother only needs meals prepared and help with bathing and truthfully I think she could make her meals if she wanted to but she feels she should be waited on. The sister facility has the same levels of care but also a private pay care "lodge" arrangement for people who do not need much care, but can transition to higher levels of care as they need them. Gary's parents are in such a facility. Both are cheaper than the one mother has now, Now she is in a rather upscale downtown ALF - which is why she chose it originally. . This other one is on a couple of busy streets, in a not particularly attractive area. Mother would have a studio apartment which would be cheaper than the two bedroom one she has presently. I would agree to moving mother to a one bedroom apartment in her present ALF to save money. She does not need two bedrooms. Even my sister will not stay with her any more! But mother's paranoia is causing her to want to flee -and that will happen again where ever she is.

Sharyn - not much you can do - Your sis is on a self destructive path and that is very upsetting to see. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) I agree she is in denial. She cannot even do the job she has. Oh dear that is very sad!

love and hugs to everyone - wish life was not so complicated and hurtful. This group/site is a Godsend

I am out from work through Sunday. Gotta go the pain will not subside tonight!!

Shaynemarie, I have a very dear friend who thinks like your sister.

She is not nearly as physically at risk as your sister, but not robust, even for her age. She grew up in a family where everyone knew the cost of each Christmas present, and woe to her who did not spend enough! Through a nasty divorce, sabotage from her parents, and the economy, she is on the shaky bottom edge of middle class. Her house is underwater. She is eligible for Medicare, but won't sign up because she has really crappy, really cheap insurance at work.

To see herself as a homeowner is vital to her. I think she is foolish to attach such a value to it, but I don't call it a fake image. I have learned that, when unemployed, I will do the "stupid" things that poor people do. Would I be willing to move myself into the category of "poor?" I used to say, "of course!" But now I'm not so sure. It is so shameful to be poor in this country.

I bet you are sad, frustrated and angry at your sister. It hurts to see a loved one do foolish, even deadly things. Just sayin', I kind of understand about the house.

glad - cold???? We are at 1 degree F right now, and lots of snow. I don't know where you are but I bet it is warmer than here! I wish you a week in a warm clime . I'll sit your house ;)

My car won't start again Hopefully G will be back soon and install a trickle charger, No more blizzard warning tonight which is good.

jinx - my mother does not have dementia according to the doctors, but she certainly has problems and I don't think the name matters. She needs help. I will ask the larger community tomorrow when I have slept on it. Thanks

Sharyn - sis has gone back home but will return sometime - probably within a month. Sis's son says she is relentless. I agree she will not settle for a peaceful solution, but nothing new about that. I am rather shocked at the picture I am getting from the people she talked to in E'ton. Basically it was the same way she talked to me - haughty, judgemental, controlling, critical...

I am curious why you say my own lawyer. Mother's lawyer is committed to do what is best for mother. That is her job, and she is an understanding, intelligent lady and I feel she needs to know what is going on. If she does not want to take any action, then I will consult someone else, I have found the names of 2 elder lawyers in E'ton (the only two). I want to wait and see what the assessment from the mental health nurse is and what action she takes, if any. If she feels mother needs to go into a psych ward then I think there is a basis for a restraining order. Otherwise, maybe a strong letter to respect the EPA and PD may be the best thing. Mother's case manager was ready, I think, to send mother to a psych ward, but I want to make sure that we are following the correct process. I told her that I would not encourage or discourage the mental heath nurse as regards placing mother in a psych ward, but trust her judgement as she has the training and experience. The director of the ALF was concerned that it would be too disruptive for mother. I feel the mental health nurse is the one to make the call.The case manager was in agreement. She was, as well, a bit hurt from the way my sister had treated her. This is not in mother's interests and I am sorry as she is a nice lady and mother is fortunate to have her.

Unfortunately, my sis has a lot of money and can come and go as she pleases. Her daughter and sil live in part of her house and look after it so she has freedom to travel. Thanks for the hugs, Your sis is looking better all the time isn't she? ;)
Prayers are appreciated. Nothing is too big for God.

I talked with my sis tonight regarding her health and situation at work. She set her boundaries and is not willing to discuss it. I did get out of her that she plans to get a second part time job...her denial of just how bad her situation is.She refuses to sell her house because it represents her accomplishments ??? She said it is easy for me because I have back up having a husband.Her image is more important. I will back off even if my sister passes away due to neglect because she want to maintain a fake image.

Emjo-
Yes, definitely contact the lawyer to instruct him to notify your sister that it is not her decision to move your mother. He should also tell her what possible repercussion there will be if she chooses to ignore the warning.

I am curious, I am assuming this lower cost facility that will not accept her is not licensed or staffed to meet your moms needs. Is the sister faculty, which must be able to meet her needs more expensive than where mom is now? One thing my sibs said is that moving mom from her home would be $160.00 a month less. But they too did not get a price for what would be necessary for mom. Plus, a savings of $160.00 would not be worth it because of the increased stress on mom, to say nothing about the complete disorientation that would result.

Joan~I can't help but feel you are going to have to take legal action against your sister From your posts about your sister it sounds like she will be tenacious no matter what you do. Talk with your own separate attorney about what is going on. We all want a peaceful resolution but your sister is not going to settle for that. How long is she planning to stay there? Does she have the option of extending her stay? OMG!! My heart goes out to you!! {{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}!!!

Joan, Sometimes it seems like the dementia is the easy part. It's the family that causes the trouble.

I would ask the larger community. It seems like "kidnapping" or "granny-napping" is a real complicated issue.

Hey, real cold spell here to last a week or maybe more. Anybody have a house I can sit by myself in Arizona or any place warm? Sounds heavenly daughter!

DiNY~take care of your self, you can come here for support a suggestions anytime!!

I made the comment above regarding employing a lawyer in matters to do with a parent and a sibling thinking partly of myself.

Four days ago I would not have thought the way I am thinking now, but after talking to people in Edmonton about my sister's visit and her interactions with them, my views have changed.

I wrote my kids and asked for their wisdom and now I am asking for yours. I think my sister is determined to move mother, She cannot move her to the place they chose, as I outlined above, as mother does not qualify, but there is a "sister" facility that mother could go to as private pay. My concern is that my sister will try to move her in there without my knowledge. I have alerted the ALF she is in now not to accept any termination of lease notice without my approval, so I will be informed if mother does give notice. But, especially after recent events, and the comment from her son that she is relentless, I am concerned that sis may try to move mother and hide where to from me. I can contact this other place and tell them my position, but, of course, there are other places that mother could be moved to. I am trying to think of ways to avert this and have considered asking mother's lawyer to inform my sister that she does not have the authority to move mother. It is better to nip this in the bud than try to chase it down when it is happening.

Any advice?

I have thought of asking this as a question to the larger group as there is much experience on this site. There really is no love to lose between my sister and myself so I am not concerned with that.

I told my sister that my decision was that mother stay where she is and my sister totally ignored it.

Sharyn, again good insight. Thanks for acknowledging my efforts. I pray everyday that I will do the right thing. Today was a good day and you helped make it so. Hugs!

DINY - you are doing very well. Considering having to employ an attorney in matters to do with a parent and a sibling is so foreign to us that we need a little encouragement to do it, I think. 3 years with no time off is way too long. Housesitting for a friend sounds great and paid too. And your sis got some experience of what you go through daily. That is awesome. Sounds like your mum did not suffer any permanent damage. I am so glad that you are now going to say NO and let sis do more. Good for you for transitioning her from driving , It isn't always easy. I agree you are doing an awesome job. (((((hugs))))

NiNY~If your mother has money invested through a bank, financial company like Merrill Lynch or Charles Schwab go to them as well so that it is set up so they disburse the remainder of her money when she passes away. Sounds like you are doing an awesome job, take some respite from time to time too. Blessings to you!!