The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?

Joan~Can you authorize them referring your mother for a psych ward to evaluate and stabilize your mom? Since this would be a good move for your mother and since your sister is wanting to play savior, she probably will back off since you have the authority to do this. Maybe getting a restraining order against your sister with statements from the ALF stating she is inciting your mother's condition of paranoia. Just a thought.

If my back is not better tomorrow morning I will go to the dr.I tried to change Midgets appointment this morning but my groomer has her own situation going. Her dear friend and partner was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (age 69). "D" is working by herself right now which means she has to bathe the dogs comb them out and clip them all by herself. "R" is having surgery on Thursday at Stanford. I will check back with her before Christmas since Midgets next appt. is not until Jan. 15.

Yes, Joan it will all pass in time so plan a relaxing but fun getaway. Get your hair done, a paws and claws and enjoy yourself!!

Take care,
Love and Hugs!!

glad - I hear you about the narcissism in the family. My sis has a two yr. diploma in counselling as well as an arts degree. Amazing that they cannot apply their knowledge to themselves. I am sorry that one sis will remain co trustee. It doesn't sound workable.

I will share my epiphany later.

Talked on the phone with mother's case worker (N)and the Health and Wellness coordinator (L) at mother's ALF. They both agree that some very bad decisions have been made and that mother is back where she was last summer. Her case worker has put in a call into the mental health worker to visit mother again and possibly get her into a psych ward for a while. L agrees that mother is very paranoid again and needs psych help. If she would take her meds she would be OK, but it appears that she isn't. Not that she isn't paranoid even then, but it doesn't bother her as much. She is not a danger to herself or others at present, but she is in quite a state, and they have seen that my sister inflames her. Apparently now her paranoia is extending to include the bank as well as her ALF. No one knows if she has a unit in another ALF, and so far no one has been able to get a hold of the director of that ALF. The suggestion has been made that it might be good to admit her to a geriatric psych hospital; for assessment, stabilization, treatment and rehab.The mental health nurse can do that. They don't keep people, but work with them and then discharge them with follow up to an approved location, which I think for mother would be back to her ALF. She is too physically well for a nursing home. I will have to write the lawyer and say, for now, I had better stay as EPA etc. till we get mother stabilized. When I heard the other side of the stories I got from my mother and sister, the "paranoid fantasies" are more extensive and less fact based than I thought. I am shocked that my sister did not recognise that and went along with them. She has very poor judgement/ability to evaluate. However, I will not let this get in the way of me looking after me. I will communicate with the

sigh - this too will pass. I owe myself a nice holiday once this has settled down a bit. :)

Glad~that is a shame...power plays!! Are you able to or do you want to get a conservatorship/guardianship over your mother?I know it is expensive since sis and I checked into that at one point with our mother. Here is in California, we were told it takes about 6-9 months, however you can get it done quicker if you declare an emergency, but it costs more. I am praying for you and this situation. Hugs!!

Sharyn, yes, I also think it is a control issue over finances and medical. They would not want mom in their homes even for a weekend. Mom is still in her home of 50 years only because I am here and sissies recognize that as well. But we have agreed upon a conservator and guardian, order not yet signed by the judge, and thanks to my sis's idiotic lawyer, I just don't think she understands that she now loses control. She remains co-trustee with conservator, which I am not happy about because she will not agree with anything conservator tells her. We are not done yet by a long shot!

Thanks, Emjo
I am sure you are right many emotional problems rolled up into two sisters. I really think guilt is a big part of it. I also know they would never be able to do what I have done for more than two years now almost all of which completely without support from them. What they fail to recognize is that mom is safe, comfortable, happy and well taken care of at home.

Nothing they do or say surprises me any longer. I normally just shake my head and smile. It is all just completely bizarre and sisters are the only ones that do not at all recognize it. Narcissism in the family, they think it should be all about them. And one of them is a counselor, of the mental health variety, by trade, and knows very well how to manipulate everybody else. It is astounding what tears do for her.

Sharyn - I think some information and then let it go is a good approach, I suspect your sis already knows what she needs to do for herself, but doesn't care enough about herself to do it. Sharing some ideas with her, especially in light of your hubby's recent stroke, shows you care about her. I think setting the limit that if she is not well to stay home is a very good one. Definitely, if she won't eat properly, the antidepressants are not going to make up the difference. Your brain needs glucose to function. I agree about the ulterior motives you mentioned to glad, I see that working in my sis right now. Your new ideas for your tree sound great, I am so sorry that your sciatic is acting up. I know it is very painful. Hope the mineral ice and heating pad work. My oldest son had/has that and used one of the Robaxacet products. I have found them good for fibromyalgia pain.

cm - no prob! Gordie is safe in heaven now and I will see him again. Of that, I have no doubt. If there is anything I have learned over the years is that life is fraught with perils and is not fair. I will come out of this thing with mother and sister, if not smelling like a rose, though I think I will, blooming like a rose where I am planted, if that makes any sense. I quoted "Illegitimi non carborundum" to someone and I am applying to me as well. I will not let the "nasty people" grind me down. I simply will not. I am worth more than that. I have felt enough pain and shed enough tears.Thank you for your empathy. There are some drawbacks to being the empathetic type, I know from experience. (((((((((hugs)))))))

glad - these siblings have some big issues that have nothing to do with us or really with the care of our parent, In my view they are flawed. I know we all are flawed, but this goes above and beyond the normal range. Guilt may have something to do with it. I think greed does too, and power, jealousy, control and the need to win. ((((((hugs))))) to you to. It is hard being the butt of these family dynamics.

margeaux - I remember the drama of your bro and his wife, and the prostate surgery. Jealousy seems to be a big factor in these family dysfunctions. I know it is with my sis who wants to have a "man" in her life and has settled for what I think is a very unsavory situation, but not my business. She is also jealous of something to do with my kids - I don't get it. I am so very thankful for the support and ideas from this thread and this web site too and the "cyber sisters" I have found here. Invaluable!!! I love your version of a tree. I have done similar. I have a small "tree" I made from a tomato cage ad I put it in a large garbage bag with all decorations still on during the year and bring it out for Christmas. I also have a large 6 ft tall artificial tree (not a Christmas tree) from mother's apt. I prefer live plants but Gary likes it, so we have it in the living room and I have decorated it with little lights, and then add a very few decorations once it is lit. It works! Last year, I put the tomato cage tree outside on the front deck, in front of the bay window, so it worked for outside and in. I need to shop too, but we have a snow fall warning so today is not the day!

I had an epiphany which I will write about in a separate post. I am feeling much better. Love and hugs

Margeaux~I am going to talk with my sister, giving her some information...what she chooses to do with it, is up to her. I am also going to tell her that when she is in the condition she was in on Friday and Saturday, she should stay home because...really, she is more of a hindrance than a help. I am quiet capable of making decisions of what to put on a wall for decorations, I know that sis thinks she has better taste. Decorating is personal to each person, having elite taste is fine if your Martha Stewart. To decorate for another person, you have to have a sense of who that person is, sis is going to decorate according to her own taste...narcissism. There were some pieces we could have put up in mom's room, sis hates them so she refused to allow it. In other words, the decorating had to be a reflection of her good taste and refinement

Anyway, I am not going to get involved in my sister's health other than to suggest that she make some changes nutritionally. I will be questioning her when she comes down here in the future. I do not want to deal with her when she is like she was on Friday and Saturday.

I was going to put our tree up on Friday, maybe this Friday when I am off. I am going to make some changes with the lights on the tree, getting all clear lights. I want to update the decorations, make it more simple and elegant.

Today is Midgets grooming day, as I bent over to get my shoes...........OH WOW!! The pain down my left leg was horrible! Needless to say, I called off work for the day. All across my lower back and my left butt cheek is like a deep muscle cramp with pain down my left leg, LOL!! It is a Mineral Ice and heating pad day.

Take care everyone!!

Glad~I think when siblings who take no interest in caring for their parent, then suddenly want to get involved and are criticizing the sibling who is doing the caregiving...have ulterior motives. It may be guilt, more commonly it is greed. Do your siblings want to move your mother in with them as well? Or do they just want control over finances and medical?

I have been trying to find our Christmas lights, and I don't know where my husband put them. I took out my two homemade red satin boots that I made years ago from left over fabric. They're funny looking. I decorated them w/some very long black fringe. We don't buy a tree, so I use a tomato wire basket and put lights on it. That's my version of a Christmas tree. HAAH!

I wanted to get some shopping done these last few days, but didn't dare go out,
because of all this hype about Black Friday. Maybe I'll do it this week, when everyone returns to work.

Margeaux

Emjo,

Yes, my sister employs lot's of sexism when it comes to her choices as to how she deals with me vs. my brothers. She even as a kid, knew how to get that extra attention from my dad, hence was way more daddy's girl. I never was that, but now that I'm an adult, I'm not that kind of woman, either. She feeds her big ego, through attentions by men.

She doesn't think twice about calling me first, so that I can do emergency caregiving. She'll rarely call my brothers. Then she seems to have conveniently overlooked, "golden boy's," irresponsible, greedy transgressions while he had POA, of mom and the battle ax, (mom's sis). This happened since in her mind, no matter what, men are a special class. She got very sucked into "golden boy's"
world last year, when he had his prostrate surgery, then at first we thought his wife left him. But we found out later, that he threw her out, or gave her some kind of an ultimatum of sorts. Well, she never returned. On this note.....my brother goes around making it appear as if life has move on for him. He and the wife haven't lived with one another for about 1.5 yrs. They've never come together to talk, no legal separation, nor divorce. But when I talk to my sister she makes it sound as if our brother is doing great. I tell her he's in denial. Truth be told, I'm suspicious really that possibly my brother may be thinking that he didn't handle this departure of his wife the best way. My sister gives both my brothers lots of slack when it comes to their participation in the care of mom. She also gives them a lot of credit for their accomplishments. But I know she never does that in my case, because she's very jealous of me. That is her doing too, because she has been this way since she was a child.

Oh well, I guess our relationships w/our sisters leave a lot to be desired, but I'm so thankful for all the ideas and support, especially about narcissism that I have learned by being a part of this thread, and getting feedback from people like yourself, and others.

Thanx Emjo,
Hugs, Much Love & Light!

Sharynmarie,

You had quite a day moving your mother, then finding this woman on the floor.

This is really a dangerous place, for anyone to be in like your sister and my neighbor, not being able to smell and taste food. My neighbor doesn't show interest in cooking her own food. She does get on a kick every now and again in when she gets edema in her ankles. She's on HBP medication, and becomes obsessive about the salt. But then she ends up eating pre-cooked food in packages, which is loaded with salt, so I understand that she has no clue about her health. Besides how does one explain being vigilante about salt, but having no problem drinking a whole bottle of wine by herself. Then she's dragging around, and hardly gets exercise. This is why I believe she has high blood pressure.
Oh no! This skipping meals, as your sister does, is definitely not a good thing for anyone, really no less a diabetic. My neighbor is very verbal about the fact she's not interested in food, and always brings up that she can't taste. One time when her own son-in-law, came to check up on her after she'd had the venous procedure, I popped in. She'd been complaining about the dizzy spells. So I asked her, when the last time was she'd had a square meal, and she couldn't give me an answer. When she tried blaming this negligence on the lack of taste, I told her, "Yes, but your still alive, and you must have nutrition." She's very, very stubborn and argumentative at times. I don't like it when she gets this way.

Well, I'm sure you can give her ideas. But I've learned with people that they can have all the information in front of them, but until they take active steps themselves, it's just info. I can't even approach the subject of health w/my sister and her daughter, because it is a weight issue. I know that's a very touchy subject, so I leave that alone.

You've told her though, but best not to get too involved in that for your own sake.
She really needs to figure this one out herself.

You're a kind woman, Sharynmarie,
and I hope this recent move for your mom is a good one.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

I imagine it would ease their guilt?

Sharyn,
One of the most bizarre things in this is that siblings know mom is happy and well cared for. They are more interested in getting me out of the picture.

Emjo, sorry I'm taking so long replying. Struggling with vicarious anger to do with your loss of your son coupled with your mother's/sister's ongoing behaviour. Thoughts so far would not help. xxx

Joan~My sister knows what the outcome is of not taking care of herself. She already has neuropathy. When she was first diagnosed with diabetes, the dr. said she had already had diabetes for at least 10 years. That is why she is considered stage 4. Once they started bringing her blood sugar down the severe pain from neuropathy showed up. She has it in her lower back, legs and feet. She was told that some of the pain will go away after 2 years because it takes the nerves that long to regenerate, but not all will go away.

What I do know about my sister's eating habits is that when she was first diagnosed, she complained that she could not eat what the dietitican told her to eat. It was too much because sis has the habit of not eating lunch...to keep her wait down. Then not being able to taste or smell food contributes to her lack of appetite. In the beginning she was still skipping lunch because she was not hungry...I don't know if she still is. I do know that for a while she was stopping at McDonald's on her way to work to an egg mcmuffin. Whether she is still doing that, I don't know.

I know that if I tell her to eat more healthy things such as (the hospital dietitican told my husband) a celery stick with peanut butter for breakfast, a salad with some protein and raw veggies for lunch, sis will complain that she can't afford to buy the healthy foods. I disagree because if you can afford to eat the "junk" that I know she eats, buying fresh veggies, peanut butter, sugar free yogurt...cost in the long run comes out the sames of less. You can buy a rotisserie chicken from the grocery store for $7.99. Shred it, put it in freezer bags in portion sizes. Use it in a salad for lunch with some tomato, onion, cucumber. It really does not require much prep or cooking skills. It just requires some time and planning.

I am going to approach sis when she is in a better frame of mind, to find out what she is doing as far as her eating habits go. I can't help but feel that she has to some extent, given up because what she knows to do is not working but she is not willing to learn new things. Overall, this is not my problem and I am not going to take it as though it is, I will only present her with ideas. I know her depression is related to the brain fog and I don't think taking antidepressants is going to help her...which they are not.

Trying to think of what I an be thankful for. I guess I can be thankful that sis is occupying mother, and will move her and deal with all her furniture. I sure am not going to. I can be thankful that mother will think that this is the best place in the world for a short while. I can be thankful that this place is cheaper so mother's money will last longer, Who knows, at this rate, how long she will live.

Yes, margeaux, it is triangulation - use one person to hurt another. Mother says hurtful things about my sis to me behind her back too, but I don't pass it on, or really let it affect my view of my sis as I know where mother is coming from. Sis has earned my view of her, herself, in direct interaction with me. There is nothing new about this, It has been going on all my life.

Emjo,

This is quite bad what your mother and sister are trying to do to you!
Shame on them. I guess your mother thought she'd have a go w/your sister to,
since she was unsuccessful with you the last time around.

You notice how there are people too, who always will somehow think that the grass is greener somewhere else. You look at the over all picture, and obviously are looking out for the welfare of your mother. She won't have all these wonderful places to see that are accessible to her now where she lives.

Your in my thoughts Emjo!

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Sharyn - not eating - proper food - regularly will affect your sis's blood sugar. Frozen dinners are not enough as a basis - once in a while would be OK. Does you sis not realise what will happen to her if she does not look after her blood sugar? Ex G is suffering from some of those things now - heart disease, foot problems, neuropathy (nerve pain). She could also suffer from a stroke, and eye problems leading to blindness. It is not a pretty picture. This is all due to not keeping the blood sugar steady. Going 7 hours without food would guarantee an affect on her blood sugar. Diabetics can go into a coma due to high or low blood sugar. Not being able to smell or taste would make it more difficult, I can see that, but still not a reason not to care for herself, That is very sad. Her overall health is suffering and it only will get worse, I do see that you and your sis bicker a bit but manage to work it out. That has never happened with me and my sis, unfortunately. have a good day!

Margeaux~Your mother is priceless!! I remember my dad saying things when his filter was gone...very funny.

Friday when sis and I got together, we spent 7 hours together. Sis did not eat during that time. It never occurred to me to ask her if she wanted to get lunch and she didn't mention it. She also cannot smell or taste which causes her not be hungry. I know she doesn't eat like she should, in addition, she won't cook...she eats frozen dinners. What she eats while at work, I don't know. Being diabetic and going 7 hours without food has to affect her blood sugar, I would think.

Good for you in deciding to visit your mother and side stepping your sister's negativity!! We learn as we go along.

Take care and hugs to you!

Karamella~Welcome to the thread. It sure sounds like a mess your brother has created. Greedy siblings want all the power and control but don't want to do the work.

Glad~It is mind boggling what siblings do. I hope you can get all this settled, but chances are it will continue to be a source of stress as long as your mother is living. My sister and I have a moments of arguments, but we usually come through it putting mom's best interest first.

My heart goes out to you, Karamella and Joan, having to deal with a sibling who is trouble making.

thanks glad,

the thing is, is doing what she pleases anyway - even with me as POA. Our situation is different in that this is what mother wants - at present. It is not what some of us think is best for her. But it is not the worst for her either. There are two benefits that I can see - it is cheaper and mother's money will last longer - that could benefit mother if she lives to 110 or 112 . Also, it has tiered levels of care so should mother need it, she can more easily be moved to a nursing type situation, I suppose you could add another one which is that she will be less agitated and happier for a short while until she starts finding fault with this place.

I, like you, think an impartial third party would be the best to take care of mother's business. It gets rid of the family issues.

Sis is quite aware that mother will be no happier in the new place in the long run. She has voiced that. So, as far as I can see, she is doing it to 1) please mother (which she hopes will be beneficial to her in the end - mother has already disinherited me once and put me back in her will again) and 2) have more money in the estate in the end to go into her own pocket and also I think mother has convinced her that mother will run out of money, and that we will have to pay her rent, so the cheaper the pace the better. She met with mother's financial advisor so I don't understand why she didn't ask him how long mother's money would last. She prefers to listen to and believe the rantings of a mentally ill woman rather than hear the truth from a professional - but then that has always been the case.

I am the executor and do not intend to give that up. If sis tried to misuse mother's money, I can, as executor, request an accounting of what she has done, and any monies that have not been used properly can be withheld from sis's portion of the estate. Actually, I do not intend to do the job of executor myself, but to employ a professional to do it, as sis will play whatever games she can and that will make it harder for me if I do it myself. This way the sibling games are prevented, at least to some degree.

That sis "won" so to speak this time, around means nothing to me. It is a matter of what is better for mother. But, in truth, there is nothing that will make mother's quality of life better other than her taking her antipsychotic meds. This a bandaid therapy, geographical change, that solves nothing. She is getting more and more paranoid again and I would rather have seen her break down again where she is, end up back in hospital, be put back on meds and so on. I think it will happen again eventually no matter where she is.

4-5 messages this morning , about the cost of mother's rent ,which is the same it has been for a long time, and that mother's money is running out, which is not true. I have consulted with her financial advisor who says her money will last another 8 years at least, and that is not taking everything into account. It is the old lose-lose game. Mother is saying that sis came because she is concerned for mother, and all mother sees is that I am not - but she has twice refused to see me.

sharyn - I think you are right -I have to delete the messages and not listen to them. Mother knows perfectly well that she has enough money. When I mentioned her concern about money in the hospital this summer, she said she knew she was OK. This is another one of her ploys for attention and playing one daughter against another.

I am so sick of it all, let sis carry the ball - they will malign me one way or another anyway. I may send out a family update, but will wait a while to see how things unfold.

Emjo-
Keep in mind that if you give up POA, then you may be in my shoes. Sib can do whatever she damn well pleases which is why we agreed to impartial third party assistance of a guardian and conservator in mediation. But having that agreement in place right now is completely worthless, Sib continues to do whatever she damn well pleases, also because of inheritance that she will lose to me as caregiver. The hell with what mom wants as far as she is concerned to say nothing of mom's spouse.

sharyn – I know brain fog as I had it with the fibromyalgia. Low BP could well do it, and not eating properly and being diabetic would certainly do it. Re eating meat/protein she needs to eat it in the morning at breakfast. I make a point of this with my students, some of whom would come to morning classes very dopey. Studies have shown that protein (meats, eggs, dairy etc.) taken in the morning keeps your blood sugar steady all day better than anything else. This is for normal people and even more important for a diabetic. I agree, a person needs a major dietary change. The protein in the morning will prevent hypoglycemia later on the day as long as she eats sensibly the rest of the day. Your family dementia does look like later onset. I agree that your sis’s problems is likely related to poor self-care in general and diet in particular and her diabetes. She should stay home and take care of herself. I had to laugh when you wrote you drive faster – I tend to have a heavy foot too. Glad you got it out to her about about the snapping. You are not being petty, nor selfish, sharyn!!!

marg – all my life –it is the Cinderella position in the family. In my case my mother appointed me POA and EPA. My sister swoops in and decides that she will move mother –against my recommendations, which I arrived at after consulting mother’s case manager. She encourages mother’s paranoia about being badly treated at her present ALF, tells me I am not doing anything for mother, sets this move in motion and then wants me to do the work. It is unbelievable. I am glad you had the breakthrough. These narcissistic people are users and you have to protect yourself. They try to guilt you into doing things. I am so glad you did not make the call. You made you plan to visit your mother for your reasons Great!!! Sick and tired if being used? Oh yes!!! Doesn’t matter how long it took – you got it now.

Glad – where do these people get off think they can step in and run other people’s lives. Unbelievable indeed. Not so different to what my sis has done –and I have POA and EPA but she has totally disregarded that and is moving mother to a new place. What can I do about it – I suppose I could go to court but not worth it. Mother will receive adequate care there and a court case would be very distressing. Sis denies that mother has BPD, narcissism and paranoia, and she inflames mother. A move is not going to solve anything and will deprive mother of some of the benefits of where she lives now – the large downtown mall complex she can access from her ALF all under the same roof, proximity to her financial advisor who has been very good to her. He or his staff will pop into mother’s to help her with the odd bit of mail etc. that confuses her. She will be far from her church now – it was only a few blocks away. She will be further away from her doctor’s office. There is nowhere pleasant for her to walk or go on her scooter as this new place is on a busy street, though they do have a small courtyard, Mother very much enjoyed the view she had from her living room window. Sis did ask me if the new place was cheaper and I think that is her driving force. If mother goes to a cheaper place there will be more money left over when mother dies –and sis plans on getting all the inheritance.
At least sis cannot get her hands on mother’s money other than, as book suggests, by talking her into something.

Mother will have the same problems with the new place –what then?

book, got your e-mail, just woke up will respond when I get real computer on. I hate typing on my tAblet. See? Tablet typing is an exercise is patience and concentration so it must be therapeutic too?

Glad - what a mess. Your siblings made their move because they are about to lose control. Remember, siblings may make the deposit but they cannot force the parents to go there. I've read here on AC of conflicts between POA and the competent spouse. If siblings also have medical POA, they may be able to force the issue with your mom - if she was declared incompetent and a Danger to self or someone else. If not a danger, then they cannot force her against her will. But they may be able to talk her into it. wow....

Emjo, Yes, siblings used moms money as a deposit on a one bedroom for mom and her husband. Did not even consult him, he is competent! We are also one the verge of having a guardian and conservator approved by the court. The things they have done, completely unbelievable.

I have not touched moms money either, well a few times for things necessary for her. But she or sister POA would sign the checks.

Sharynmarie,

Your not being mean, you are using common sense. If some just isn't feeling good, stay the heck home already.

Your sister really is totally out of touch with her health. Much of what you're describing here has to do with controlling the blood sugar. What kind of diet does she maintain?

My neighbor takes high blood pressure medication. She has a problem that she can't taste, nor smell. It was affected by some medications some years ago.
This really is a factor about her becoming increasingly dis-interested in food.
But I've been with her several times, and suddenly, she claims she's feeling dizzy. I always ask her, "Have you eaten?" The answer is always, "No." Well no wonder. Sometimes if she makes coffee in the a.m., she's invited me. She'll usually offer me some kind of cookies, or cake. But this is not a good kind of thing to be eating, no less for breakfast.

It is tricky, too for diabetics, what they're eating, and when they're eating, to control the blood sugar. It made me laugh to read, she's telling you, "you're snapping at her." It looks like the exact opposite if you ask me. Besides, has it occurred to you, given the health problems she has are enough to keep anyone in a b****y mood?

My sister was not in a good mood today, when I went to mom's either.
Mom was cute. She asked me two times if I drove.
Later we were sitting at the dining table, and she was kind of naughty.

I think I've written about my sister's youngest daughter, and how overweight she is. I don't say this to be catty, but out of concern. Well, mom was looking over in the direction where my niece was, (she and a friend were eating some left overs).
Mom looked at me and puckered up her cheeks as if, mimicking that my niece was stuffing her face. It's one of those ALZ moments, that could be interpreted as not being nice, no filter. I had to look in another direction, because I wanted to laugh at mother's reaction. It reminded me of a mis-behaved child. So I started asking her something, to distract her. I didn't want my niece to catch on that mom did that. Don't think she noticed.

You are right, your sister can't take "No," for an answer.
Good luck with the decorating.

Much Love & LIght! Margeaux

Juju,

I too, wish I had a better authentic relationship w/all my siblings. Sometimes I feel like we just go through the motions trying to keep mom's needs met.
But in both my brothers cases, they are completely removed from really being more concerned with our mom. The youngest brother, hardly ever has mom in his charge, alone, or w/take her to his house so that he and the difficult SIL, will watch her, and basically help out. My other brother is willing to take mom to his house every now and again, but that just doesn't happen that often, once in a blue moon, or when all else has failed, as in......I'm the back up, but I can't make it. My brothers rarely call me, I don't call them much either, so guess we're even in that department.

Even with my sister, we of the siblings have been closer in the sense that we are women, hence were treated the same way by mother, which was we were always of service to her. But I have a few gf's that I feel much more bonded with compared to my own sister.

This must be a very difficult position for you to be in with your brother.

Good idea about the stethescope.
So glad you enjoyed your Thanksgiving.

Much Love & Light! Margeaux

Emjo,

I can so relate when you said, that you are there to do something for them.
It was like I had a breakthrough today, in my relationship w/my sister. Remember, that I wrote very recently how she'd had a birthday? Well her daughter had reserved a couple of rooms out of town so that the daughters, son in law and my sister's little grandkids could celebrate w/her. My sister called me very late in this plan to tell me that her caregiver had cancelled out being able to watch mom that weekend, so that she was wondering if I could, and I couldn't since we were going out of town to work. Of course, I felt the guilt because of the whole situation, not being able to accomodate her.

So, I almost called her yesterday evening to offer myself to stay the night, which was Sat., night and since I didn't see mom on Thanksgiving, in a way kind of to make it up to my sister. But you know, I didn't call her. Today, Sat., at 2:00 p.,m.,
I just drove down there, she had no idea I was coming. I thought, I just wanted to visit mom, and not have to feel like I'm again also going there to accomodate my sister, in her plans. My sister was going out the door too, since it was her boyfriend's birthday. But she seemed to be in a bad mood, again as if she going to celebrate w/him was a forced issue. It felt very negative, some of the things she was saying just before she left mother's house.

Anyway, the caregiver that was to stay the night showed up about 45 mins., into the visit. I felt from my sister, that she probably was thinking, I should have called her to let her know I was coming, then that way she probably would have no need to hire a caregiver. Anyway, too bad, I'm tired of this kind of an expectation.
I'm in, I see my mom, I'm out......don't have to absorb all of my sister's negativity.
Also, I am sick and tired of feeling used. This is the worst part. It finally dawned on me! Duhhhhhhhhh!

I could kick myself in the a**, the fact that it's taken me sooooooo long to figure this out!

Oh and I do realize the guys just think differently. My husband is also an extrovert. I'm kind of in between, sometimes intro, and sometimes extro.

Thanks for all of your ideas, they make a lot of sense.

Hugs,
Much Love & Light! Margeaux