I'm writing this discussion in hopes of helping others. I have seen many posts in the forum lately about caregivers feeling burned out and about the negative treatment of caregivers from the person they are caring for. I will not retell my story. If you have not read about my story, please read my profile and etc. But in short, I was my dad's caregiver for over 20 years after my mom passed away. I did not live with him, but my daughter and I did all the cleaning and washing for him. As time went on, his health started to decline a few years ago and I began to also do all grocery shopping, taking to the doctor, paying bills and etc. Just to back up a little, my dad and I always had a strained relationship. He mistreated my mom and I and even admitted a few years ago that he had an affair, His mistreatment did not end when I became grown, it continued. But being the kind of person Iam, I did not walk away. Trying to care for a person who mistreats you, is hard but I did. I wish that I had set boundaries years ago. He is now in a facility but because of the way he treated me, I do not know how to enjoy life. This is because he raised me to believe that is wrong to enjoy yourself. Now here Iam in my 50's and I feel like life is over for me but I keep going and it is hard. I made so many wrong decisions because I was afraid of him... decisions that have negatively affected my life and well being. For those of you trying to care for a parent that was abusive to you whether verbally or physically, please do not sacrifice your own well being. This forum has helped me so much and also counseling. If it were not for the forum and counseling, I probably would have caved in and quit. my job, sold my home and moved in with him but I developed the strength to say no. But that was his plan for me to soley take care of him. Do not feel guilty if you have to place them in a facility. That is taking care of them! Even with all the mistreatment, I still feel sorry for him because of his condition but as this forum has said many times, we do not make them old and it is not our fault that they have health issues. Hang in there and do what you need to do take care of yourself.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad my message has given you hope. I also said many, many years ago that would not put my parents in a facility. I think that a lot us truly mean that but sometimes it can not be helped. In my case, I could not take care of my father. His needs are too great and I can not handle it mentally. One of the most important things I have read in this forum is when someone said that putting them in facility is taking care of them when you know that you can not. It is definitely hard when there is dysfunction. You said that you did not want to make your mom miserable. I understand this because I feel the same way about my dad but I had to learn that my feelings matter as well. I know you have probably heard of the phrase- "Never set yourself on fire to keep others warm. " That fire you set will eventually burn you out.
As far as programs, many states have programs that if you have insurance, people will come in and help out. Other than that, I would talk your mom and tell her that you think it is a good idea that you all look at assisted living places. Depending on how much her Social Security is, she could use that to help pay for it and her Medicaid if I'm correct. It is hard to take care of someone and work. Please take your life back because life goes by fast and we just never know. Please let us know what you decide.
I look the idea of a Gratitude Journal!
Sure there are things, I wish were different, but I've had to learn to accept them.
Just remember this one thing. You are Worthy!!! Worthy to have a good stress-free life.
Yep - I am;
Beautiful
Intelligent
Talented
Charming
Happy
Yep b!t@# describes me very accurately, thank you very much!
I learned a long time ago, thanks to a dreadful nuclear family, that others opinions do not drive my decisions or create my view of myself. You are doing great with your mom and brother, keep up the good work.
Another call from the falls alarm co to let me know. This caller was polite - no laid on guilt to attend like a recent one.
I am not the solution.
I cannot help, cannot save, cannot change it.
You did not make your mother old. You can’t fix old . You did not make your mother in need of assisted living . Therefore you are not the reason she may be miserable . Mom’s aging is the reason .
One of the hardest things about caregiving is when the parent ( who has mistreated you) now starts saying they want you to be happy. They do not realize ( or maybe they do but probably not because of aging) that their behavior over the years has caused you depression and anxiety. You feel sorry for them one minute and then the next you are angry because of what they took from you. I know that we are in charge of our own happiness but when we are emotionally abused as children and even as adults, it is hard. My dad has a pattern. We get along great for awhile then he says or does something to cause issues. Then when I get upset, he accuses me of mistreating him. If anyone else experiences this, my advice to you is limit your time with them. If you do not, you are emotionally scarred for life.
It takes time to get to a better place. I strive for peace in my heart, and too keep it there as much as I can.