I'm a professional caregiver and work with a lot of clients with dementia. Some have been verbally abusive, but I usually can let it roll off or let them know what they said was unkind and they apologize. My current client is mean to all 3 caregivers and he lives with family that won't step in and correct him. Today he called me a name for touching him to assist with transfer. It upsets me because he does this at least once a day about something. He has a short fuse. His family feels that it's all Dementia and I should accept it. They feel it would do no good to ask him to stop. Today I dropped him as a client and the family isn't happy. I understand sometimes Dementia causes behavioral issues, but if the family could ask him to be nice it'd help. Don't you agree?
"Dad! That was mean, I don't accept that kind of language in this house"
turns to caregiver "I'm so sorry"
That is surely not too much to ask.
However, if he treats the other two caregivers the same way, in my opinion that supports this behavior secondary to his dx of Dementia.
I would assume the family potentially has caregivers to provide respite from the verbal abuse they receive.
Honestly, I don’t feel he’s capable of understanding what he’s saying, let alone the affects it has on others.
In this case, I would agree it’s not possible to change his behavior by asking the family to tell him to be nice, to stop, etc.
If the family has accepted his behavior & knows not to take it personally that’s a big accomplishment secondary to their emotional attachments.
I think you need to hear what the family is telling you & believe it has 0 to do with you.
You didn’t mention what he said or why you took it personally? I don’t mean that to be disrespectful of your feelings or boundaries.
The family is being realistic by stating it won’t help. It would be wasted energy & going backwards if they believed talking to him like he’s lucid will result in change.
That said, you shouldn't have to tolerate any behavior that upsets you. No job is worth suffering over, in my opinion. I used to work for a very ornery Alzheimer's patient many years ago & he was extremely abusive. I tolerated him for about a month and then said ENOUGH. I was done. I called the agency & quit that particular job and they said I'd stuck it out longer than any of the CGs they'd had on that job.
This man's family is going to have to accept the fact that they'll be going through caregivers quite a lot if their loved one is acting abusive. Just b/c he has dementia doesn't give him a free pass to be abusive. They may think it does, but it doesn't. They should try dealing with him for a few days themselves to see how it feels, and perhaps then they'd change their opinion, huh? :)
Good luck to you!
If you state SPECIFICALLY the BEHAVIOR that you wish to change, and the client understands what has been said, there is a 50/50 chance that they may be able to respond and do what you’ve requested. “Hands in lap” is potentially a little more likely to get the result you want than “Be nice”.
In most types of dementia though, the client won’t understand or remember what has been asked of them, so the chance of changing behavior is not great.
You don’t EVER have to accept what a client SAYS, but you also can make a choice not to be offended by it. Whether he calls you a bean, or a bear, or a vulgarism doesn’t make you any of those. You are who you are, someone who wants to be helpful and kind to someone in need.
You seem to have made the best decision in your situation. Hope you can pick up a new client with a better vocabulary very soon!
Yes you have a right to pick and choose who you will have as clients, but if you're wanting just easy clients, then perhaps you need to stay clear of dementia patients as they can be quite unpredictable.
If the family thinks verbal abuse is okay, to me that's a bad sign of what they would anticipate a caregiver to tolerate, and it wouldn't surprise me if it became worse.
Your mental health is important too.
That doesn't mean you're required to take it. Everyone has their limits, so you are certainly free to say you can't take it any longer.