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Something I've noticed after speaking with hundreds of families caring for aging parents - the adult child who lives farthest away worries the most. Distance turns ordinary concern into constant low-grade anxiety. Has anyone else experienced this?

No Way!!!
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My farthest sibling didn’t help and certainly didn’t worry
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waytomisery 9 hours ago
Same for me
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Sorry but I’m calling BS on this. If they were that worried they would be more involved. My siblings couldn’t care less until I started spending Mom’s money on Assisted Living. I wouldn’t call that worry.

The siblings also weren’t the ones worrying the phone would ring in the middle of the night that a parent needed to go to the hospital AGAIN . I had high anxiety for years . The person doing the work has the most worries and life interruptions. My siblings’ lives were not affected . The siblings were not taking days off from work to take Dad to chemo . My retired siblings were cruising .
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herefolk 8 hours ago
What you're describing isn't really about worry at all, it's about abandonment. And that's a completely different and far more painful thing.
Siblings who showed up only when money was involved, who kept cruising while you took days off for chemo appointments, who left you with the 3am phone calls for years, that's not a difference of worry levels. That's a fundamental failure of family responsibility that fell entirely on you.
You're absolutely right that the person doing the work carries something the distant ones never will. The anxiety you're describing, years of it, waiting for that phone call, that lives in your body in a way that no amount of retrospective worrying from a sibling could ever equal.
I hear you. And I'm sorry you carried that all alone, but still you did all this and that deserves utmost respect and recognition.
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The OP is here to promote her company, which people can hire to call their parents for them on a schedule. Nothing wrong with such a service, I'm sure it's beneficial. But marketing is not the point of this forum.
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herefolk 9 hours ago
I appreciate you sharing your perspective. For clarity, I haven't marketed anything in this thread or anywhere on this forum. My company is listed in my profile the same way many members mention their professions, blogs, and affiliations. Everything I've posted here has been purely to help and is based on my experiences and knowledge I gathered over the past few years.
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That's not fair to the children who live close by or with the parents and are doing the actual work. Looking at your profile, you have a product that is geared for distant, not-hands-on adult children, so I would say your perspective is skewed by that.
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herefolk 10 hours ago
You're making a completely fair point and I appreciate you saying it directly.
The adult children living close by and doing the physical work every single day carry a weight that is genuinely different, and honestly harder in many ways. The exhaustion of being the one who actually shows up, manages the appointments, handles the emergencies, and still has their own life to maintain is something distant family members often don't fully see or appreciate. That deserved to be said and you said it well.
You're right that HereFolk serves families where distance is a factor. But I'd push back gently on one thing, the worry I was describing isn't really about who is doing more work. It's about a specific kind of helplessness that comes from not being able to see for yourself. The child living nearby worries too, but they can drop by. The one three states away lies awake imagining and feeling guilty for not being able to be there. Both are real. Both are hard. Just differently.
Thank you for keeping this conversation honest. These are exactly the perspectives that matter. 💙
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In one word, yes. I live in California, my father in New York. I have worried about various issues for the last six years.
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herefolk 11 hours ago
Saw your about me. Hats off to you. The every-other-month trips across the country, that level of commitment says everything about the kind of person you are. And losing your mom while your dad is still there needing you, that's such a particular kind of grief that doesn't get talked about enough. I hope you're taking care of yourself too in all of this. Keep it up. 💙
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My 3 cousins were in charge of caring for their elderly parents. One moved away so he didn't have a thing to worry about. The 2 living nearby did all the boots on the ground work AND all the worrying. Sounds like you're speaking to people who want you to THINK they do all the worrying while others do all the caregiving.
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herefolk 11 hours ago
I think you're totally right here. Been seeing a lot of guilty people recently, I guess lol. But still, they have some sort of grief there, as why would they feel guilty if they don't worry about their loved ones.
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Maybe it's the guilt then, the one living the farthest is disguising their guilt by naming it as being worried.
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lealonnie1 11 hours ago
Bingo
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I haven't. I have three siblings. Two of my siblings and I live in the same state as our mom, who is now 97 1/2 years old and lives in a memory care assisted-living facility. The sibling who lives far away (my younger brother) worries the least. The sibling who lives closest to mom (my sister) worries the most. My older brother and I live about the same distance from mom. I see her frequently, and I don't worry much about her. My older brother used to seem to worry about mom sometimes, but that has gone by the wayside as he and his wife have tried to distance themselves, physically and emotionally, from mom and the rest of the family.
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I would think it would be the complete opposite as often being out of sight means out of mind. And the child or children who are actually the hands on caregivers if they so opt to be, are under way more stress and have many more worries than one who isn't doing the actual caregiving because of distance. Why in the world would the one living farther away have the most worries as they have the easy job of just checking on their parent whenever they feel like it? I'm confused.
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Hothouseflower 9 hours ago
I moved to the Bay Area in 2013. My sister told me that at a family gathering shortly after I left someone asked my mother if she missed me. According to my sister she said “out of sight, out of mind”. Kind of cold hearted but I’m sure that is exactly what she said because she had a very cold heart and never did wax sentimental.
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