Retired hubby has mild cognitive decline. He has no initiative to get a part-time job or pal around with men his age. He waits for me to plan his day. He tries to help around the house, but usually gets everything wrong. I can't get ahead of him before he starts to mess up because he's always at the house. I've told him I still like running the home because I don't consider myself retired. I've tried to assign him certain jobs, but of course he'd rather interfere with what i'm doing. this has been going on for about three of the 8 years that he's been retired. I can't really rely on him for anything, even putting the right dog food in the right bucket is done wrong!
Please learn more about dementia by reading this site and consulting other informational channels. You will have to meet him on his level because he can no longer operate on yours. Also, report these symptoms to his doctor. If his doctor takes no heed, husband needs to see a geriatric specialist. There might be medicines that could help him. I'm very sorry that this is happening to you.
You are his safe place, whether you like it or not, and being in denial about where he is on his dementia journey will only hurt him.
So time to get your head out of the sand and start educating yourself more about this horrific disease of dementia. I always recommend reading the book The 36 Hour Day, as that will give you a much better perspective of what your husband is going through, and you too.
I would now look into having your husband go to your local Adult Daycare Center, as he can be there 5 days a week and up to 8 hours a day. They serve breakfast, lunch and an afternoon snack, and have all kinds of fun activities to keep the folks as busy as they want to be. And they will even pick him up and drop him back off if needed.
Of course there is a cost, but worth every penny. And if money is an issue they do offer some financial assistance, and if your husband is a vet the VA offers help with it too.
Your husband is still your "partner," just one with a broken brain, and yes everything will now be on you to make sure things are done as needed and as you want. That comes with the disease.
I wish you well as you continue to walk this very difficult road with your husband.
Is adult day care an option? I toured one place where they said they had former professors and executives who felt like they were needed there and were doing a job. Whether this was arranging art supplies, cleaning and organizing the full play kitchen area, or helping to make and decorate real cookies. They even had a (non working) old car in there that the attendees could polish or explore inside. They would eat pizza and watch movie clips and then play movie trivia from the 50s- 70s. I thought the place seemed great. It was a nonstarter for my mom and dad, unfortunately. I really wish they had tried it as it would have given my mom a desperately needed break a few days per week. They would even do haircuts, nail clipping, and I think other things in the “barber shop/ hair salon” in the adult day care.
You might consider hiring a housekeeper. Someone to take over some of the chores and relieve some of your anxiety. Caregiving full time as you are doing now takes a lot of mental expenditure for you which can leave you depleted. In the beginning of cognitive decline, he may have only needed someone to keep an eye on him. But now, as it is advancing, he is requiring a bit more from you.
You mentioned that you told him that you have not retired. Not only have you not retired, you have taken on a second job. One that is 24/7.
And sadly you are right, he is no longer the man he was before. Recognize that you will have to plan for his care before you plan your activities. At some point he will be more inclined to sit and not try as he loses more and more of the parts of his brain that allowed him to help others. And take a look at what is “good enough”. Catch him doing something right today. You will both feel better.
I don't know if your husband is doing that since he comes from a time frame where it was quite common for guys to do that.
Strongly encourage your husband to find a hobby - one that he can do without you. And let him know that you do not want him following you around all day.
Even a part time job as you suggest, or a volunteer opportunity. Don't wait for him to take the initiative on this - search for an activity that would suit him and push him into it!
Give him chores, tasks, or fix-it projects around the house which don't have to be done "right". Just keep him busy and occupied. Expect that you will have to (or want to) "fix" everything he has done not to your liking.
It's kind of like having a toddler around. They want to be helpful, but they're not really good at it. It just creates more work for you.
Finally, Desperada - Get out of the house yourself! Find friends or activities, or a part-time job or volunteer activity for YOU. Or just go shopping, to lunch, and to a movie or for a walk in the park. Do something you enjoy to get away from your clingy husband for a while.
I feel for you. I kind of see this happening with my dad and his wife. He is 86, and she is 67, just 3 years older than me. I can see her starting to get annoyed, irritated with his "old man" behavior. He is like a child, relying on his wife to manage his social life, his meals, and to clean up all his messes, whether literally, or in business. He still works with her in their realty business, but she does most of the work and just delegates tasks to him. She gives him things he can't mess up too badly.
And, really, how big a deal is it if the dog food is in the wrong bucket? You could lower your stress if you lower your expectations and anxiety about things being "done right". Some things, you have to learn to let it go and accept it is ok. It will only become harder if he continues to lose cognitive function. There will be so many things you will learn to compromise on. Like bathing, incontinence issues, him hiding things in weird places, hiding soiled clothing in a corner, it can get downright crazy dealing with dementia.
If he reaches that point, you could look into placing him in a nice memory care facility where he will be safe, his needs will be met and he will have opportunities to socialize with others.
My words are for you, because everyone worries about the patient all the time. I worry about the caregivers. Hire in home help to relieve you so you can have some normal time out with friends, normal conversation and some well needed laughs. It restores the soul. Go have a spa day and refresh yourself. Get hubby involved in adult daycare where he can be kept busy and out of your hair, it's a win win situation. Adult daycare often will shower the seniors too. One less thing for you to worry about.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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