My mother lives with me and has some forgetfulness and repeats the same stories a lot but is alert and independent. The past few days she has been difficult to deal with as far as eating and taking her medication though. She tells me she isn’t hungry so I’ve been giving her pedialyte or a nutrition shake to take her meds to try to keep her electrolytes up. For background, she is prone to low sodium and when it drops too low she becomes weak, nauseated snd disoriented when that happens. It can be life threatening if it gets too low. She has ended up in hospital a few times from this. She is completely aware of this being an issue. We have had many conversations about it and how important it is for her to keep up her nutrition. Anyway, a few days ago she started saying she isn’t hungry and refusing to eat so I’ve been giving her the shakes and pedialyte, reminding her we have to do this so her sodium won’t drop and I want to be sure we keep her from ending up in the hospital. I discovered today that she has been pouring the drinks down the drain when I wasn’t looking. I’m wondering if she is also somehow hiding her pills. I have a trip with friends coming up and am really wondering if this is not her trying to get herself to a state of me having to take her to the ER so that I won’t go on the trip. I hate to think that but when I saw the home videos of her pouring out the drinks it really seems like she is being manipulative. I feel angry, betrayed, concerned, guilty, frustrated - all the things. I don’t want to cancel my trip but I don’t want to leave her in this state with a friend and have them end up dealing with having to take her to ER or call an ambulance. I have been holding back tears all day.
Mention that the person that will stay with her has temporary POA for medical care and that there is at least 1 other person that will be checking on her. And that the caregiver that will be there has your emergency contact information.
I think going over all this might get the idea across that you are not going to change your plans.
And if you don't have plans to have a caregiver you might truly want to consider it. It sounds like your mom even though you say she is "alert and independent" should not be alone just for medical reasons.
You can have a frank discussion by stating "I know you are pouring your drinks or disposing meds" You do not have to show her the cameras. Do not form the subject as a question. You know! If she is truly not hungry then discuss that you are calling Hospice. You do not need a doctor referral and Medicare covers it. Whoever they send will speak to you and her. She can decide. See if that scares her reasoning.
Next. Go on vacation. As a manipulator who has been hospitalized before, you can take the call from the hospital but also let them know about her manipulation and that you will return on your appointed date. It will be up to her and her medical team to figure how she would be discharged if early. They deal with single patients with no resources frequently. In other words it will be all on her.
And yes I do get she has mild dementia. It sounds like you can still leave her alone because all of her ADLs are present. However as time goes on, you should find sources for respite care
Since your mom lives with you, it's probably best now that you sit with her while she takes her medications to make sure that she's taking them and even sit with her while she's drinking her drinks.
And most definitely she shouldn't be left alone anymore, as no one with dementia should be. So if that means that you have to stay home from your trip, so be it, unless you can hire an aide that is used to dealing with folks with dementia.
Your mom is obviously much worse off than you're currently willing to admit, and you being in denial about it only hurts her in the long run.
And of course if your moms care is getting to be just too much for you, it may be time to look into having her placed in the appropriate facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she now requires and you can get back to just being her loving daughter, and not her burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
In his case, I don’t think it was manipulation. He didn’t care what anyone else did as long as we kept ice cream around and left him alone. He definitely didn’t care that his actions were exacerbating his health problems and hastening his death. I think the FTD gave him swallowing problems as well as deranged food preferences. It wasn’t worth the fight.
I agree with Margaret’s suggestion completely! You can’t stand over them 24/7 and even if you could, they won’t necessarily do what they should. You deserve a life and richly deserve trips with friends!!
Or, she hates the taste of what you've given her to drink. Maybe try offering her a choice of some other drinks (Gatorade, chicken broth etc) and then sit there and watch her take the meds and drink the liquid to the end. If she tries to shoo you away or asks why you are sitting there waiting, you can calmly tell her that you saw on camera that she regularly throws it out and you want to make sure, for her own good, that she completes this routine. She may deny it and then you show her the video. She may not say anything but I doubt she'll argue, or she'll say she only did it once. Then you calmly say it's too important and you are going to make sure she does it.
It's possible she truly isn't hungry enough to drink all of what you've given her. Maybe you need to take her back to her doctor to find out why she has no appetite. I think there are medications that can stimulate her appetite. Is she losing weight? Is so, this would be concerning.
I would make sure she knows that you are not going to cancel your trip for any reason, and if she doesn't want to end up in the hospital without you being there, then she needs to take her meds and drink her electrolytes.
It's possible that dumping out the drink is a passive-aggressive way to assert her independence, which she is slowly losing.
You, as a fully formed adult, do not have to react in a child/parent dynamic but rather as a care manager and patient. Do not allow yourself to take this personally -- this may be partly why she does it, to get a rise out of you.
In the end you may not know why she's doing it. Your job is to just make sure she does what's in her best interest even if she resists. Assume it's the dementia and it may be less insulting.
Now you know you can't trust her to carry out instructions on her own and you will need to be creative and put solutions into place to keep her healthy and safe even if she works against you and herself.