My dad passed two weeks ago leaving behind my mean, abusive and manipulative mom. As I am the closest living sibling, everyone including her, assumes I will be the caregiver.
I tried speaking with them years ago about scams. They thought they knew better, but my dad ended up giving away thousands of dollars to a scammer. My mom was mean and never let him forget about it and even brought it up after his passing.
Around the time my dad was scammed, I took the keys to his car. He was in no state to drive. My mom called and left a message threatening to call the police on me if I didn’t return the keys. That was 2 years ago. That’s when I went low contact with them.
Fast forward to my dad’s death earlier this month. I have spent countless hours with my mom helping her plan for the funeral and transfer the funds needed to pay for it. I’ve taken her grocery shopping and clothes shopping and just let her hang out with me for an afternoon. I did this every day for a week only to have to deal with her daily tantrums that consist of her trying to get out of my moving car, blocking me from leaving by standing in the middle of the road, breaking objects, physically hurting my sibling, and causing self-harm by hitting herself repeatedly in the head with her cane. On top of all this, she had the nerve to tell me she only likes my dad and one of my siblings. When I asked her about myself and my other sibling, she doubled down and said she only likes Dad and one sibling because they do whatever she asks.
I do not have the time or energy to take care of someone who takes me for granted and who doesn’t even like me, and I refuse to put myself in harm’s way. I don’t want to see her or talk to her because she will try to guilt me into staying.
I blocked her calls, but can see that she has left 4 vm’s today. Am I doing the right thing?
I’m sorry if this is lengthy and all over the place. Please let me know if I need to clarify anything.
No.
very sorry to hear of this toxic environment you’re in and how it’s reached boiling point. Some old people are set in their ways and can be very mean in their talk. My friends mother was like that to her even tho of all the family she was the one helping her- eventually her health suffered - ( my friend- mentally and physically as she tried to make sense of something that can’t be made sense out of) quite serious ailments which if you were to exam a bit more you could have seen they were generated by the stress her mother put her under.
she eventually put her in a home when mothers behaviour got too much/ and when she died she was the only one there- on her death bed. yet the sons and everyone else were the ones who got the praise / respect and any inheritance from the mother. The mother deep down was a damaged person.
Thats sometimes how life goes.
in your case it’s clear you are protecting yourself and establishing boundaries which are being broken. Your boundaries are more punishments tho rather than being calmly assertive.
if that’s what you feel you’ve got to do then that’s what you do end if day.
if it were me I would probably help sort out care and get her moved into a care facility. Close it off so that you know she’s safe. She obviously isn’t where she is. You can contact her doctor to advise or care facilities - ask the medical staff who can help you because mother isn’t of sound mind to live at home safely and you cannot cope with her.
once she’s in a facility then it’s up to you if you want contact or not.
if she can understand maybe a calm conversation that you’d like to help her but she will need to act more respectful to you . I think it’s important to get her into a safe environment to live tho. Years later you will feel better u did. Her unkindness or overly blunt tactlessness? is just her- try and switch off to it. She’s got away with it all of her life - doubt she will change much now.
i do think you’ll feel better helping to get her into a safe place tho.
best wishes
I doubt if the Mom would go along with any facility placement option that GoingNC would offer. Even if it was like a 5 star hotel, the Mom would probably find fault. I really don't think that Going NC's response is a punishment. It's self-protection from a woman who is physically abusive to herself and others under activities that are meant to be pleasant. I am horrified to think what would happen under a circumstance the mother felt was an attack to her independence.
Since the mother knows how to use a phone, she could call one of her "favored" children for assistance. Then maybe placement, or commitment, would occur.
You have NO obligation to be her caregiver, and she would probably resent you trying to do more.
Tell your Mother that she is not to rely on you as long as she exhibits the behaviors you described.
Give her a list of contacts for things she may need, and walk away.
"My siblings think I’m obligated to be my mom’s caregiver based on my proximity to her. They both live several states away, while I am minutes away."
Can I pull that apart a bit more?
There are TWO sides;
1. What care does Mom need?
2. What are her family members willing to do/give?
What is REASONABLE?
Obviously your siblings don't think it reasonable to uproot their lives, move closer, provide the care themselves. Yet they find it acceptable for you to uproot your life.
It would be OK to get angry about that. Stand up for yourself!
I don't care if you live close or not. If you next door or have moved to Iceland. You are not Cinderella. You are free to make your own decisions & not be enslaved to your siblings.
Whattda say?
Part of taking care of yourself can be to determine what she needs to be safe, and then farm that out to an agency or a caretaker.
You talk to them, and stay away from her.
You will have peace of mind that you are caring for her in the best way you can, given the circumstances. It will still take a LOT of your time to manage it, so it’s not like you’ll be off the hook, but hopefully you’ll be out of the line of fire.
She is responsible for own life / needs.
Tell her to get an attorney.
If necessary, she can be-come a ward of the state to handle her affairs as needed.
Only you can determine if you are 'doing the right thing.' Listen to your gut. Do not be guilt tripped into doing anything you REALLY do not want to do. It is further drain you in every way.
If my mom as you describe her, I'd run as fast as I could the other way.
She won't change. It is up to you. You know what you're in for if you decide to take on this responsibility.
Gena / Touch Matters
Good luck! This is a hard situation.
May The Lord give you strength, guidance and comfort during this difficult time. Losing dad and having family try to dump mom on you is a difficult thing, you got this!
Remain strong and don't let anyone, mom or siblings bully you into taking over for your dad.
I totally understand where you're coming from because I have a mother very similar to yours. At best throughout my life our relationship was strained. For the most part my mother has aways despised me. I was her caregiver for a while and it almost killed me. Then one day I put myself first and walked away. That's what you need to do.
Today, I took off to take her to a doctor's appointment because her aide called out. I figured that would be fine because she knows if she starts with me, I walk away. I end a phone call. She will not see or hear from me for a long time.
She used me taking her to the doctor's appointment as an opportunity to instigate a fight. I got her into the doctor's office then explained to them that I would be leaving and when her appointment was finished to call and I'd send an Uber for her because I will not tolerate one moment of verbal abuse or instigating from her. She thought instigating today was worth the risk of me leaving her at her doctor's office. She's terrified of ubers and left me a voice mail crying and begging me to come and pick her up. I refused and explained to the medical assistant who called me, what my reaction always is if she starts with me. She totally understood. My mother did not get the pity from the staff she was counting on from her performance today and was pretty surprised.
She does not try to get physical with me like your mother does though. The last time she tried that I was a teenager. She learned the hard way and never tried again. As it stands now it is unlikely that I will see or speak to her for some time.
You DO NOT have to tolerate being abused by anyone. No one does. It doesn't matter who your abuser is or what they or anyone else expects from you.
No guilt and no regrets for walking away from that mess. You did the right thing and good for you.
Well whoop de do for them. Really, what they "think" are your obligations don't amount to a hill of beans.
It's hard enough to take care of an elderly parent who is cooperative and pleasant. Your mom? No way.
"Hey, sibs, if you're so all-fired up about mom's care, how about we take turns? You start. I'll drop her off this weekend and pick her up in the summer sometime." See how well that idea goes over.
If somehow you are ever alone with her again, record.
Please call Adult Protective Services in her community and report that she is a vulnerable adult in need of care.
What we are dealing with here is trauma topped with fog (fear, obligation and guilt).
Watching someone whacking themselves in the head is just insane. Did she always self-abuse to get a reaction out of you? The psychology behind this stunt is that I will hurt myself to make you suffer. This causes trauma and anxiety in children and adults. Stop falling for it. Next time she pulls a stunt like that just leave. Don't call 911 in front of her because she will flip the script and have you arrested. Call APS and report her as mentally ill and violent towards herself and others. You can make an anonymous call.
Many of us suffer from C-PTSD growing up with these people. We probably had good times with them at times that was probably short lived. I always had the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop because I knew even as a kid these times were short lived.
Go full no contact. She is beyond your help.
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But you correct in always waiting for the other shoe to drop .
My mother also threatened to jump out the second story window or take a handful of pills and make me beg her not to , when I was a kid . Then made me promise not to tell Dad .
If it wouldn’t cause you too much difficulty with linked accounts and such, go a step beyond blocking calls and change your phone number. The violence you discuss is an absolute deal-breaker. Don’t put yourself in peril personally nor legally.
She just wants attention when she does things like hitting herself. It’s a means of tantrum.
If your mother has given you POA over her legal/financial/health matters, you can resign from this.
From what you described, I agree with your decision to go No Contact.
Be prepared for the inevitable "hoovering" when your mom and/or siblings start playing nice in an effort to suck you back in so they can keep using you. Don't fall for it - stay strong!
Your Dad? Other family?
Religion/faith?
Culture/custom?
Strangers?
Your own belief system/values?
Maybe finding where the root of the obligation feeling is from may help you?
Help locate it & really look at it.
I had an aquaintance tell me I HAD to take my Mother into my own home. HAD to provide her a roof, meals & provide the hands-on care with my own hands.
Why I asked..
Because.. my aquaintance spilled out a list of reasons. These were rooted in her culture, her religion, her financial situation. All of which had ZERO to do with MY life.
I thanked her for her honesty.
Then filed them under *not relevant*. It clarified that I what I decided was the right decision for MY situation.
I took care of my lifelong narcissistic abusive mother for over a decade out of FOG….Fear , Obligation , Guilt , and manipulation . Big mistake .
I wish I had this advice 15 years ago .
i hope you’re never in her presence again! But just in case, keep it in mind.