My dad passed two weeks ago leaving behind my mean, abusive and manipulative mom. As I am the closest living sibling, everyone including her, assumes I will be the caregiver.
I tried speaking with them years ago about scams. They thought they knew better, but my dad ended up giving away thousands of dollars to a scammer. My mom was mean and never let him forget about it and even brought it up after his passing.
Around the time my dad was scammed, I took the keys to his car. He was in no state to drive. My mom called and left a message threatening to call the police on me if I didn’t return the keys. That was 2 years ago. That’s when I went low contact with them.
Fast forward to my dad’s death earlier this month. I have spent countless hours with my mom helping her plan for the funeral and transfer the funds needed to pay for it. I’ve taken her grocery shopping and clothes shopping and just let her hang out with me for an afternoon. I did this every day for a week only to have to deal with her daily tantrums that consist of her trying to get out of my moving car, blocking me from leaving by standing in the middle of the road, breaking objects, physically hurting my sibling, and causing self-harm by hitting herself repeatedly in the head with her cane. On top of all this, she had the nerve to tell me she only likes my dad and one of my siblings. When I asked her about myself and my other sibling, she doubled down and said she only likes Dad and one sibling because they do whatever she asks.
I do not have the time or energy to take care of someone who takes me for granted and who doesn’t even like me, and I refuse to put myself in harm’s way. I don’t want to see her or talk to her because she will try to guilt me into staying.
I blocked her calls, but can see that she has left 4 vm’s today. Am I doing the right thing?
I’m sorry if this is lengthy and all over the place. Please let me know if I need to clarify anything.
As others have said, leave her to figure her life out and look after your own life. Some of us are born into very dysfunctional families and, therefore, need to set strong boundaries with family members.
Your mom is abusive and obviously has mental health issues. Not your fault - you didn't make them and you can't fix them. Keep taking care of you.
Glad that you have cut contact. Sorry for the loss of your dad.
"I do not have the time or energy... and I refuse to put myself in harm’s way."
That's awesome. Keep your boundaries in place and
Your mom is not your problem nor is she your responsibility, so thankfully NO obligation to be her caregiver. Aren't you glad for that?
She'll figure things out someway somehow. You just get on with living and enjoying your life without this toxic woman in your life.
I am sorry that you lost the only decent parent in your life.
Your Mother was abusive and this led you your having no relationship with her. I would maintain that.
If there are others who wish to participate in your mother's care, let them and stay out of it.
If your mother contacts you tell her you will not be able to help her.
Provide her with the phone number for Adult Protective Services in your area.
That would be my advice, but you are an adult and can be the only one to take all facts into consideration in your own case and decide for your life moving forward what your best actions will or won't be.
You matter too and she has shown you who she is, believe her and leave her to it.