My mother and I have a very difficult relationship. And I do mean always. My whole life she has had mental health issues. To her, as "female", I had very little value. She was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. She was married 5 times 3 of those men were pediphiles. I have been the adult since as far back as I can recall. I pretty much raised myself and my half brother. She abandoned her 3 children from her 1st marriage under the guise of "going to church" and never returned. I am the product of her second marriage, and my brother, the 3rd ( 1st pedo). She made it very clear to everyone that my brothr was her favorite. And even his life with her was far from good. She had estranged her family so we didn't even have that. I did the best I could to protect him.In her late 80s It finally beame clear to her dr. that she was not safe at home. A couple of yrs ago she was placed in a non traditional nursing home. At almost 90 she is by far their oldest resident.I was granted conservatorship. My brother had visited once, just to make sure the facility was acceptable and she would be ok there. At first I was visiting once a week. I live an hour away. Visits are never good. Some are less terrible then others. The staff there are wonderful. Once a week became once a month, mostly to make sure that she is being well cared for. I do call and check in with the staff once a week. They have heard her say some really awful things to me. I try to explain that this is just how she is with me. Pretty sure that she doesn't even know that I came after I've left.I'm her trigger for whatever reason.Am I terrible for wishing for the day that I go there and she doesn't know who I am? That I'm just someone there.
It was hard being my mother's daughter. She was always an abusive bully. My mother's last tirade which ended with my sister and I standing on the porch and my mother telling my sister that I was no good and not to trust me did very little for the remainder of our relationship at the end of her life. I told her a few weeks later that she owed me an apology and she snapped back that she wasn't feeling well that day. Really? I was always afraid of my mother and wished I had the guts to say that mothers who love their children don't pit them against each other.
This episode hurt me so much that I had to limit my face to face time with her and when I was with her I made sure I had an aide or had my husband with me. She would always be on her best behavior in front of other people, especially my husband. To this day, my husband does not see my mother for who she was. He just says she was always very good to him. I guess that's nice but he just doesn't understand and never will.
I wished she would have eventually not known who I was so that I would not feel obligated to visit her in the NH. But that day never came. She did not have dementia and died knowing who I was. Sad to say, I don't miss her.
If I were you, I'd stop visiting her altogether. Keep in touch with the nursing home if you want updates and want to keep an eye on things. Call her once a week or once a month. Whatever you feel comfortable doing. If she gets nasty on the phone with you when you do call, hang up. Your mental health matters too and you've had a lifetime of abuse from her. It's time to end her abuse.
Perhaps going forward just a weekly call to the facility will suffice and cut out the visits completely. That way you can once and for all have the peace in your life that you so deserve.