Hi everyone-I could make this a three series novel but will attempt to make it concise (ish) to get to the point. I am a nurse practitioner, one sister who is older and lives in the same town as myself. She has children but does not work- I work full time as does my husband, who also travels for work- we have no children. My father became ill five years ago and my mom insisted on keeping him home despite no one in the family helping. My husband and I were called for every ER run, every time someone needed to sit with him. My mom absolutely refused to make changes to the their lives. My sister's husband makes less than ideal money by choice and my family has enabled the lifestyle thru supplementing resources (money, cars, child care) and making excuses as to why they can not help.Dad died two months ago- I was always the person everyone pointed to whenever something was wrong but also got immense and intense push back when I made suggestions or decisions. We found out last month my mom has cancer, stage 4. My sister has taken her to no appointments - she takes her family on vacations while I deal with my mom's health while my mom maintains my sister "needs the time away". Again, for reference- my sister NOT ONCE took my father out, or to the hospital nor sat with him during his illness. Also, unemployed.The kicker? I was appointed executor of the will with the understanding the family home goes to my sister, along with the lion's share of the money because "she will need it". I also have been appointed sole medical and financial POA but my mom refuses to tell the rest of the family for fear of upset. I have had it. I understand my mother has a terrible illness but at what point does the person in the family that gets walked on and used up say ENOUGH and make people start facing their own issues. I have been the family broom and dust pan since I was 27 years old, I am 43 now. I find it very very difficult to be a caregiver in a family that has little to no respect for the person that is doing the caregiving. I am constantly ridiculed for my "Type A" personality and my mom lays at my feet the fact that I dont like my sister. After years of dysfunction and no accountability, I have no desire to have a relationship with her. Has anyone else been here? Felt like the black sheep for finally standing your ground?
In my family, I have always been made the baby sitter, the caregiver, the responsible one.
My aunt lived in my state from the time I was born. Her sister (my mom) passed, so aunt picked up and moved to another state to live near their brother. His children, (my cousins) begged for her to move near them, and she did.
Imagine my surprise to learn that after aunt moved near my cousins, she tells me they don't come and visit her. They promise to do things for her but never show up. She doesn't like what she's seeing. All the sudden, I am named her medical POA and I live in another state. She doesn't want to involve anyone else, except me. These cousins of mine find out and they're on me like bees to honey, trying to push me around and constantly insinuating that I should uproot my life to move in with aunt who now has dementia and take care of her.
I would come down and do what I could, but each time I gave an inch, they took a mile. I hated looking at my phone, because it was either one of my cousin's or my aunt's neighbor asking me when can I come back and help and insisting the time I was visiting just wasn't enough. They work and cannot assist aunt. I work, also.
I don't know what snapped in me, but I got fed up with all of them and I gave up the POA. Aunt was livid. She wrote me out of the will, and basically told me not to call her anymore. It hurt, because she was my favorite aunt, but what was being asked of me was too much, and especially when aunt made that choice to move near these other nieces. She told me before she left that she was going to be in good hands near family, but since it wasn't working out the way she hoped, now it was my problem to fix it.
I just stopped. I tell you to just stop. As a people pleaser, it was hard, but I had to choose myself. Yes, I am now the black sheep, as opposed to being the Florence nightingale, responsible one that I always was before.
One thing I cannot stand is someone taking advantage of my kindness, while they go on with their lives and I am suffering. Choose you!
Today, that's when.
So you tell your mother very calmly because she is very sick, that if she wants you to help her she must go to a lawyer with you and change her Will and leave the house to you. Then remind her calmly that your sister can afford to not work and still take her kids on vacations so she is clearly not hurting for money. Let her know that unless she treats you fairly, you will not handle things for her. Your sister does not even need to know about any of it. Unless your mother disagrees and refuses. Then she will because she will have to take responsibility for your mother, her medical decisions, and her care needs.
You have made a success of your life by becoming a nurse practitioner. You should not be punished by your family because of this and get all the responsibility dumped on you while your unemployed, loser sister (please pardon my language, I do speak plainly) gets rewarded for doing absolutely nothing. You can put a stop to this nonsense today.
From one family scapegoat who always had it all dumped on them to another, have that talk with your mother. Or walk away and let the chips fall where they may.
With that said, if you have a beef with anyone it should be your mom. You are the go-to person but sis gets all the reward? Oh heck no. Tell mom now that either the will gets changed or she can name someone else as POA. You are no longer going to do the heavy lifting so your sister can reap the reward. She will call you selfish. Fine own it. It is not selfish to stand up for yourself. Tell her she was selfish to expect you to do all the work and sister gets rewarded. Ask her how that is fair to you.
I'm sorry your family is using you like this. It's totally unfair, and you are justified in your anger about their attitude towards you.
Insofar as being the executrix of the will, you are not obliged to take on that role simply because someone named you as such. When the time comes, tell the probate court that you refuse to act as the agent, and let your good-for-nothing sister deal with it.
I think you should continue your campaign of saying "enough" and not allow this dynamic to continue. Do only what you're willing to do that will provide you with a clean conscience when all is said and done, and your mom is gone.
It’s profoundly unfair, and I would be re-evaluating my level of involvement/commitment with respect to your mother. It’s actually an inherently resentment-making situation.
You don’t have to have a relationship with your sister either. You get to decide that.
I’m sure that they both view your caregiving as an extension of being a nurse practitioner. It isn’t. It’s a gift of your time and energy that (judging from the will) is simply expected.
It’s time to take your power back in this situation.
You just let her know through her lawyer(if necessary) that you won't be doing either.
You have allowed your family to use you as their "broom and dust pan" for long enough now, and it's time to put your big girl panties on now and say enough is enough.
You must remember that you have not only allowed this abuse but also willingly participated in it, so it will now be you that must make the changes necessary to turn this dysfunctional situation around. And it may just be as simple as learning how to say the word NO. It's such a short little word, but when used properly, it holds great power. You may want to try it. I bet you'll like it A LOT when you do.
Your sister has no reason to step up since you're always there doing what needs to be done, so why should she?
It won't be until you take many steps back that things will perhaps change, so I wish you well in doing just that.
My husband was POA, health care proxy, and executor for his mom and his grandmother — two more states.
My point is, all six of these POA, health care proxy, and executor documents across four states included:
- person appointed had to sign the documents — in other words, they KNEW and had to AGREE and they get a copy
- all of them said person X will do it unless unable or unwilling and in such case, person Y will do it.
I assume OP’s situation is the same. She can tell the lawyer she is unwilling to do it and she should already know who the second person named is because she signed it and should have been given a copy.
As POA you don't need to be at Moms beck and call. Your responsibility is to handle her finances when the time comes and deal with medical staff. As long as Mom is competent, she can hire someone to take her to appts. There is senior bussing.
Maybe just tell Mom your tired of being second best and since Sis seems to be getting it all, call her when she needs a ride to the doctors or whatever. Sis should earn that house and money she is inheriting. Have Mom revoke your POA and assign her. Like said, you can turn down being Moms executor but I would tell Mom to change that to Sis too.
Just a thought, Mom gave you all the responsibility to make Sis's life easier. When Mom passes, you do not have to have any contact with Sis. Do not help her in anyway and make it clear from the beginning that there will be no financial help from you. She and DH are on their own. He needs to get a better job and if she does not work, time to find a job. She and DH are on their own. The money train has passed on.
I handled it by doing only what I could feel good about, what let me sleep at night, what I thought was important, the priority, and the right thing to do. Regardless of who it impacted. Yes, it was hard.
I handled being POA and Exec after my mother passed. I thought it was the right thing to do. I don't regret it.
My previously strained relationship with my sister is now non-existent.
It has been 3 years.
I am 100% OK with that.
Your sister has chosen the path she wishes and you need to accept that no help will be done. That is fact and you can't change her decision. So you need to change your reaction. Try not to dwell or become bitter. If you wish to relinquish your duty as POA and Executor you need to 100% do it.
However, your statement "I was appointed executor of the will with the understanding the family home goes to my sister, along with the lion's share of the money because "she will need it"." confuses me.
The directives as executor of the will are to follow the will as it states not what is verbally implied or wishes instead. So if the will states 50/50 split then do that. I am completely against the mindset of giving away your deserved inheritance for the sake of another for the sole reason of haves/havenots.
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