I’m caregiver to my 74 year old husband. He has lots of health problems along with being a below the knee amputee. He has a prosthetic but can’t put it on without help, He can walk on his own somewhat. His balance is not good and I have to be nearby in case he starts to fall. He can’t get dressed or take a shower without help. I pretty much have to help him with everything.
He goes out of his way to be mean and hateful to me. He call me names and constantly belittles me. He wants the heat turned on when it’s 78 and he’s sitting in a chair with a quilt. Last night there was a chance of snow. It was 63 in the house when we went to bed. He pitched a fit that he was hot and wanted the air on. I finally had to get up and turn the air down to 62 just to shut him up.
One day he pointed an unloaded gun at me and pulled the trigger. Now he complains because he no longer has access to his guns. Another time he hit me in the jaw with his fist when I was helping him put his prosthetic on. He kicks me in the shins if I get close to him. He grabs my wrists tight enough to leave bruises when I’m helping him up.
My two sons tell me to leave him and put him in a home. I don’t have the funds to put him somewhere and he would not agree to go. He is not able to take care of himself and is unsteady on his feet that he can’t get around the house on his own. (He recently fell while standing in the bathroom and fractured his neck). I feel that I can’t just leave somebody that is physically unable to take care of themself. There’s nobody else available to care for him.
I feel that I’m just stuck with no way out until one of us dies….
Whats he going to do, come hopping after you?
The fact is his physical care will exceed what you can give and for your own emotional and mental well-being being, you should find him care. He might need LTC the way things sound. Any man who points a gun loaded or no is capable of physical abuse. If you need to stay with relatives, do so. You do not owe him. Do not feel guilty as people who bash do not know the extent of abuse
I get it , my first counseling appointment ever, counsel told me I was being mentally abused. I left there , not happy with her , but I kept going back.
I'm saying this because some of what you are reading my be hard to hear and wrap your head around.
Please don't leave us. Everything everyone says is absolutely right.
You call 911 next time he assaults you.
Your kids are right. He needs to be in a home and you need to divorce him and separate your assets.
He isn’t “just mean”. He is your abuser. You are an abused wife.
Are you seriously going to sit there and wait for him to kill you?!?!?
When your spouse points a gun at you and pulls the trigger, in my book that means the marriage is over. Are you just waiting for him to find the bullets?
By the way, pointing a firearm at someone and pulling the trigger? That's not being "mean". That's being homicidal. That's a 911 call, and the police responding with their guns drawn, and hubby goes to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $100. A domestic case to boot? Yeah, he's earned a set of pretty, shiny new "bracelets".
Empty out the bank accounts, grab whatever items you absolutely can't live with - and I mean absolutely, this is not a time for a trip down memory lane with your favorite mementos - and leave, with no forwarding address. Find a divorce attorney and get thee gone. Let a process server give him the papers - after you vehemently inform them that he is violent and has pointed an unloaded weapon at you and pulled the trigger, intending you harm. The process server will have the police escort him/her to the premise.
If he's physically able to injure you, to threaten your life, he is able enough to justify your leaving him. Please, please don't allow yourself to become another statistic.
Because if it hasn't been officially reported, then as far as the courts are concerned, it didn't happen.
If you can afford it, please see an Elder Lawyer. He can have ur assets split. Husbands split going to his care and when almost gone you apply for Medicaid. Once on Medicaid, you remain in the home, have a car and enough or all of your montly income to live on.
You are the victim here. Please don't take anymore of this abuse.
Whether or not his behaviour is due to his illness it is still considered abuse and you need to take action now. I am praying that you have the strengh and fortitude to get a lawyer. Please Please Please do not become a statistic.
I kind of want now to ask you what you think it might take for you to leave this man?
I agree with the sons. Leave him.
However I would skip that part about putting him in care. Because to be honest I wouldn't much care what happened to him once I am out the door. But that's me. Let the sons take him on if THEY still care.
I would head straight to a divorce attorney and FREEZE ALL ACCOUNTS AT ONCE.
Time for a division of assets.
These helpful sons of yours? Will they rent you a room till you can find an efficiency you can afford with your share of the assets.
And hubby? Honestly, who cares. If YOU do, why not call APS. They can decide on a move for state guardianship if he needs it and if they can survive him.
You do not need to take care of anyone who hits and abuses you verbally.
Get him signed up for Medicaid and have him placed like yesterday. This happens more than anyone cares to admit.
I wish you all the best as you try to protect yourself and regain your life.
They will more than likely take him to the hospital where you then tell the doctor and social worker that your husband CANNOT return home as you do not feel safe anymore with him there and that you can no longer care for him.
They will then have to find a facility to place him in. And the social worker can also help you apply for Medicaid for him since you don't have the money to place him yourself.
You must do what is best for yourself and getting your husband out of your home is what is best.
I wish you well for doing just that.
A really bad one, preferably.
Call 911 next time he does ANYTHING threatening and have him arrested, hauled off, and then start divorce proceedings.
You are right, if you don't make some kind of change now, later it will be harder.
Even if he's not aware of it, he is being abusive to you.
There are many places that accept Medicaid, if you do not have funds for a 'nicer' facility. I had a friend who spent almost a year in a Medicaid funded facility and it was really quite nice. The caregivers were sweet and she actually thrived while living there. Don't just assume you cannot afford care.
74 is not old. but his health conditions have rendered him old. I'm kind of dealing with a similar dynamic. MY Dh refuses, most days, to get out of bed. He's 72 and just retired and all he wants to do is sleep. He snaps at me over everything, so I would honestly say he is mean to me. It's his way of shutting me down. Very demeaning and hurtful. He'd never hit me, but I can see signs of cognitive decline, for sure and I know that I may very likely be placing him in an ALF at some point, if he doesn't get some help and start acting like a grownup.
Can you wrap your brain around placing him in an ALF? You don't have to be his one and only CG. Maybe it's time to look a little way into the future and see about moving him somewhere he will be able to receive PT and some counseling. You'll burn out before he does.
Sounds like even if you got some in home help, it still wouldn't be enough.
I can only wish you luck. You are not alone.
There might be a moral in there. Leopards don’t change their spots, they just choose a different background for camouflage.