Background. I have a distant cousin two years older than I am. We were pen pals 50 years ago and attended college together 40 years ago after which we drifted apart. Her brother died Tuesday. My YS forwarded me a text about the news advising the funeral would be Saturday. I told ys that dh was charge of maintenance of two buildings over weekends now and we would probably not make it as he had scheduled Friday off for an unrelated matter. Because it would look terrible for an hourly worker to request another weekend day off with no notice.
I didn’t even have cousins cell until today, but Cousin insisted that she REALLY REALLY needed me to be there. No concern for dh’s employment. Just arm twisting to fulfill my role as a prop, a mirage. Her parents are still living and in their 90s and this will be repeating twice pretty soon.
I feel like a prop. A mirage. This cousin apparently is telling ys that she wants to go through pictures of her brother with me and have me recollect him. I honestly barely remember him.
This is last minute and who knows who is even awake, but I need help in overcoming my feeling like a prop and an ill prepared one at that.
YS is a 1 percenter in the nonprofit field. Her whole job for decades has been negotiating people to say yes for a good cause. She is extremely effective professionally. Add in the personal element of her personally asking for a call, that never happens with royal highness unless it’s pretty important. I mean, what was I going to say at that point? “Look sis, the fact is he took Friday off because we are sitting here in a casino that his work knows all about and him submitting for the additional day off looks too risky to attempt” would make me definitely look like I was prioritizing the casino over a grieving family member.
Just as I have a poor poker face, we couldn’t lie and say we made the request when we hadn’t. So we did. YS achieved a yes. My presence was obviously important to cousin. DH remains employed and best case healthy enough to keep installing major appliances by himself.
If husband gets anything, maybe it will be a just a warning? But really, not much anyone can do about a death in the family.
Being unseated from my censorious sisters and fueled by a Bloody Mary, I told them how we were literally in a casino hotel that his work knew we were going to vacation in when cousins request came in and hopefully dh wont get fired. It was one of those dark comedic but accurate glimpses into the life of a blue collar worker, which these investment bankers and professors and doctors don’t actually eat with unless it’s for an occasion like this.
There was a luncheon afterward, and cousin and her sister seated us with them whereas my sisters were assigned elsewhere. So I think I got a greater appreciation for where the cousins were at, as well as them getting a greater appreciation of what it took to get dh, an hourly employee, to even ask to cancel out on a Saturday when his work knew he’d taken Friday off to go to a casino. Hopefully he’s not fired for this. If there are more deaths, I have both their numbers so I don’t have to go through ys anymore.
I hope, after all this, that you and your husband were at least appreciated once you got to the funeral?
When cousins parents die, I won’t be gaslighted into putting poor dh in a position like this again. Yes, cousin came to dad’s funeral but her brother, newly deceased, did not.
Good, honest maintenance men are hard to find. If your husband is good at his job and reliable, don't think he will be let go.
Next time, if sister wants you to go so bad, she can pick you up and bring you back. If she can't, then you apologize to cousin that husband works weekends and cannot take off the time and you no longer drive.
It's one day. Also, the you feeling like a "prop" is pretty selfish. It's not about you. Your cousin wants to respect her brother's life and give him a nice funeral. If you can't put your feelings aside for a day and go along with what your cousin wants to do for the funeral, don't go. Don't try to turn the blame for you not wanting to go on your cousin not being concerned for your husband's job.
i wish I were selfish enough to have told ys no in the first place, or selfish enough to have the chutzpah to keep insisting as a loyalty test. The pressure was such that it might as well be my mom’s funeral.
I personally would have no problem backing out because I don't care about the feelings of manipulators or family Kabuki theater. We don't get to choose our family, so why spend all that time/energy/money on someone you don't have much/any relationship with? It's just family tribalism.
Remember what you learned on this forum: "No" is a full sentence. Also, no one can twist your arm unless you allow them to. And, they will get over it if you back out. Bonus: they probs will respect you more in the future. But you have to respect yourself first, and have clear boundaries.
I guess my only questions would be since hubby is supposed to be working why can't you just go on by yourself, and why did you let yourself be talked into it if you really didn't want to go?
Whether or not you feel "like a prop" is neither here nor there as you had the opportunity to say no and chose not to. So that my dear is on you.
This person sounds like a manipulator, who only cares about appearances.
I would tell them "I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Unfortunately, it is simply not possible for us to attend the funeral. We will be with you in spirit."
Due to the distance of this relationship, I would not feel compelled to offer an excuse. Manipulators love excuses like cats love catnip. An excuse just gives them bait to further manipulate you into saying yes.
If all else fails, there's a lot of flu going around that comes on all of a sudden :-)
Maybe her ire needs to be with her sister.
I don't understand what you mean by feeling like a "prop" or a "mirage". Maybe if you explain a little further, someone can help you navigate your feelings.
As far as things being "last minute" - funerals generally are, especially if the death was unexpected. And no one usually looks forward to going to a funeral. Insofar as you barely knew the deceased, and really don't remember him - if you go, you're not going for him, you're going to support his family. Funerals are for the living, not the dead.
It's one day. Is there a reason why you can't go by yourself and explain that your husband was unable to get off work? Would it be that much of a hardship to go and comfort a person who - at one time, at least, it seems - was important to you and now for some reason feels as though your presence would offer her some comfort? There comes a time in all of our lives when we need the comfort of others; it's a kindness we can offer to each other, and there is, unfortunately, a lack of kindness these days.
The work said yes. I texted ys. There was no thank you from her. Next day she sends update from cousin as to funeral location and finally includes cousins number. The cemetery has two chapels about a mile apart and I still don’t have an answer. It’s over an hour to even get to the grounds. Cousin wrote in the group text she was so looking forward to seeing me. I didn’t respond with “anything I can do for you, I’m happy.” I didn’t say anything.
Grandmas right in that I didn’t stand my ground. I also have a poor poker face.