My four siblings are all still working. One lives near me and near Mom’s facility. The rest are out of town. I do at least 90% of the work of managing Mom’s care and providing social support. I am happy to do this for Mom, and am working hard to prioritize her quality of life and mine. For me this means setting boundaries so I can also do other things which are important to me.When concerns or issues come up regarding mom or her facility, one or two of my siblings are quick to make demands on me. The underlying assumption seems to be that since I am retired I should able/willing to care for mom as my siblings feel it should be done. I’m generally a strong person, but I often end up either agreeing to do things that don’t align with my priorities of quality of life for BOTH me and mom and feeling resentful, or I push back and then feel guilty and unfairly judged. How can I better manage my reaction to my siblings’ demands and criticisms? Specifically, what can I say to them in these instances?
Sounds like you're carrying that torch for everyone? I can't tell if that's by choice or happenstance. I can't tell if the siblings are failing to help you or are interfering with things you've handled.
I haven't a clue what's going on here.
You've a mom in care at a facility, and there are 5 siblings, some of them close by.
It sounds on the face of it (and you please must forgive me here for all the things I am missing) almost "ideal". You need to set me straight!
Can you tell me a few details about problems?
Would you be willing to write out for me either one or two situations?
Because I can't imagine someone who is doing 90% getting ANY criticism without saying:
"Darling! You HAVE TO BE KIDDING. I know I am retired, but I am doing 90% here. So until you are willing to DO IT and let ME do the critique, I am afraid we are DONE for today."
Anyway: Give me a "for instance", and I will let you know how to read them the riot act.
By the way, and as an aside, who is POA, contact for the Facility here?
Good luck. Hope you respond, torch. I am fascinated with your dilemma.
If your mother is well cared for in a facility you should not be providing the majority of social support. How many times are you visiting and for how long? It is difficult to decrease due to obligation but to maintain your healthy wellbeing you may need to visit less.
Can you elaborate on what the details of the demands are?
As far as responding to siblings demands. Tell them this is already under consideration and if you feel that it is a priority you will act. Any push back tell them "I understand your concerns and I am also looking at what is best for mom. What did you think of her at your last visit?" Then tell them you will prioritize as you feel appropriate. If they say anything about time, tell them if they feel they need addressing quickly then they should do it themselves.
As far as resentful feelings, this is a indicator that you are currently doing too much and need to step back. I was feeling resentful but I realized I was trying to do too much at the sacrifice of me. When I began prioritizing myself first then addressing my uncles needs, I realized that he survived without immediate attention and I was in a better state of mind to then address any important matters for him.
Wishing you the best!
Now, when I was there helping, I was bossed around, criticized about how I dressed aunt, questioned if I was showering her. I mean anything they could think of, they criticized or questioned, and mind you, they live closer to aunt, and I live out of state, and none of them offered a hand, just criticism and asking more of my time.
I got sick of all of them. I gave up my POA and I let them deal with it.
None of them are happy that I walked away, but at least I have my peace of mind and them all out of my hair demanding my life.