After 11 months, working full time and doing most of if not all the household duties, i feel like more of a room-mate then a husband most of the time. One of my best friends to the both of us offered to come over and be my FIL's "gopher"to give is a much needed break together. My wife said no as she did not want to leave her dad and burden him with the task. This has been my last 11 months. Even now as she knows he needs to go to AL, she is hesitating and reciently told me to "back-off" on the subject as it is upsetting her. So as I am researching AL places on my own, i am getting more bitter every week.
Help........need advise AGAIN!
Will she attend marriage counseling? I guess that might difficult if she won't leave her dad in the house with another person.
I sense your growing frustration. You may have to have a get real type conversation with her about it and the harm and division it is causing between you two. I'm so sorry it has this kind of hold on her for whatever the reason, but I sincerely pray you find an answer. I would not think she'd want you to leave or vice versa, but gosh, it sounds like it's getting there, fast.
Don't know if you followed that Dagan thread about his wife and his mother, but his wife ended up leaving one day and that was breakthrough needed to get the situation changed for the better. I'd hate to think it may come to that. But I do think you need a serious heart to heart with her about how this is affecting you.
As I see it, there's really a stalemate on this issue. Sorry to say it, but your wife just doesn't seem to want to make a decision or even consider it.
And, frankly, why not? You're working, doing household chores, supporting her and her father, and she's calling the shots and refusing to even consider anything else. As long as she's getting her way she has no reason to consider being flexible or reasonable.
I think the idea suggested on your first thread of researching AL places is appropriate to continue so that if your wife ever does become realistic, you've already made that first big step of finding a place.
However, it may come to the point that you have to take a stronger stand. It's your house, you're working and as I recall your wife wasn't, so you're the one providing the support.
Frankly, your wife has dug in her heels and isn't being considerate, cooperative, flexible or realistic. Sorry to write it, but your frustration seems to be building and you need to recognize that the big stumbling block is your wife.
I think one of the first things I'd do is stop doing the housework. Spend more time away and leave your wife to fend for herself with her father. Maybe then she'll come to realize how much of the burden you've been carrying.
Is she physically able to continue to care for your FIL? Is he declining physically, so that he will need to be in a facility? Will his doctor recommend it?
Unless your wife will agree to let someone else come in and give the two of you a couple of nights a week out alone, then I'm not sure what your options are. I guess taking him for respite care so you can have a weekend together is out too.
Maybe, if you show her the brochures and describe the amenities at some nearby places, she will consider it. The more she learns about dementia and its progression, the more she may open her mind. She said that she KNOWS he needs to go to AL. I suppose you just have to convince her. Will she go tour a place with you?
Apparently, many people have guilt about caring for their loved ones and placing them in places where they will be cared for. I don't understand it, but it seems that you are supposed to feel guilty if you don't sacrifice every minute of the week to care for your loved one, even when you are not equipped to do so, and even then you are filled with guilt about not doing enough. I'm afraid, I can't explain it. I'm sure you'll get some good responses here though as there seems to be a lot of people in situations similar to yours.