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Amanda, I'm glad that talking here is helping. When it became time for having our father move in with one of us my brothers words to me were, "I've had dad for all these years so i am willing to let you have him now" what a crock of shit! It is true that my father lived in the same state as my brother but my brother didn't do anything to help him during all that time. I used to have to send my kids who also lived in CA to check on him so I wouldn't worry so much. Anyway, back to your situation. Your husband is like many of us were with our thoughts about NH's but they are there to give the care an elder needs when family cannot do it. Eventually the situation will get to the point where he will have to accept it. Don't be a Martyr for him in this. I made that mistake years ago with a different situation with my husbands kids and learned a very painful lesson. We have to stand up for ourselves because no one else will, like you said you used to have a life. Perhaps the program will be enough for now but if the situation calls for more you might have to put your foot down to your husband. So hard I know.

It wouldn't be giving up on the elder but rather it would be doing what is best for them. Many caregivers find a good place that is close by and visit regularly, they fix up the elders room to make it feel more like home and they closely monitor the care that is given. I like what someone previously said when they said don't trade bitterness for guilt, that is so true. Keep posting Amanda and God bless you for the person that you are. XXXOOO
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I really appreciate the responses. Finding a place that I can let it all out without feeling bad helps alot.
When my husband finally got home last night we talked and I let him know how things were when he wasnt there and my feelings toward the whole situation. He listened but I am not sure that he actually heard what I said. He is 100% against placing him in some type of facility. My husbands mom died when he was 8 so his grandparents adopted him. Then less than 3 months later, his grandmother passed so it was just the 2 of them for a while. He feels it would be giving up on him. I did let him know that I didnt think I could do it much longer without some SERIOUS help! He read all of the info that the eval nurse left yesterday and seems positive about the program. I guess we will see what the next few weeks have to offer.
I tried to reach out to his only living daughter and his 2 siblings that are healthy enough to help. His daughter let me know really fast that she wanted no part in his life at all. His sister and brother both admit he needs care but arent willing to "babysit" because in their own words "they have lives" Funny, I had one of those at one point also!
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Amanda, now you know why grandfather's sister dumped him into you and your husband's lap. That was pretty rotten to do if you ask me. She knew he had dementia or at least suspected it, but scraped him off to unwitting young people. Time to put gramps into asst living or something like that. No shame in admitting you're in over your heads. Tell gramps sister she needs to step up and help you and your hubby find a good place for him. It's the least she can do.
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I wasn't done, but I guess I pressed a wrong button!

Your grandfather-in-law has dementia. He can't help it. He didn't sign up for it willingly. Maybe if he took the pills that were prescribed that would help. And maybe not. Maybe when you start getting help you will be better able to cope. And maybe not. Grampa should be paying you rent. That won't make up for you not working, but it will make the situation a tiny bit more fair. And it won't hurt him to have less to spend on lottery tickets.

Dementia progresses. It gets worse. It sounds like you are on the verge of not being able to take care of Grampa now. The time will come when you can't. Start looking now for long term care placement options. See what is available in your area, what they will cost, and how to begin the process of seeing that he qualifies for financial assistance if he is going to need it. This is not a failure on your part. It is a reality most caregivers face when their loved ones have dementia. Do NOT trade in bitterness for guilt.

Congratulations for giving your husband's grandfather a safe and loving home for five years. That is no small accomplishment. You can be proud. Now do what you need to do to take care of yourself, your daughter, and your husband.

Good luck!
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You have every right to be bitter. This is not want you signed on for when you got married! (Course it isn't what the old guy had in mind for growing old, either.) Life is not fair! Go beat up a pillow! You can be bitter as long as you want to. It's your life. But for your own sake, (not to mention your husband and child) I'd suggest setting a time limit, really rant and beat up a lot of pillows (or whatever you do to let off steam), and then move on.
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This situation is to much for you. I'm glad you will be getting some help even if it's 4-6 weeks wait. Something that I learned this last year is that we only hurt ourselves when we hold on to the past, or cannot forgive. Holding onto anger and resentment even when we have a right to feel anger and resentment only serves to hurt ourselves and thus we are allowing the past to twist the knife deeper. Your feelings of anger and resentment are not wrong in themselves, in fact those feelings are telling you that this situation/person has crossed your boundaries, the feelings are trying to tell you to change the situation. Once those feelings are listened to (like your taking action to get help) their job is done and then it is healthy to let them go. Holding on to those feelings and allowing yourself to become bitter only hurts you, your husband and your child. Do yourself a favor and let the past go. If the anger and resentment continue to persist then ask yourself if you need to make more changes with the situation, then speak up for yourself and take action...even if that means a Nursing facility. Most important is your Daughters environment, you don't want to allow someone to trample on you in front of her like that, even if they are sick. I feel for you and hope you get the help you need. In the meantime while you wait it might be good to pray about it and ask for help to see this person and the whole situation differently. Instead of focusing on the anger and pain this person brings to you, perhaps you can read up about dementia here and get a better understanding to help you cope. Another thing is if he behaves around your husband maybe it's because he knows your husband won't put up with his BS. When he threatens to walk somewhere he is manipulating you. Instead of being manipulated by him that way, let him walk. In other words don't be so nice because he sees that as a weakness and exploits you. It's sad but sometimes we have to put our foot down even when it goes against our nature to do so.
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Amanda hang in there you're doing the best you can. However, you need help. What about social service agencies in your area? Does your husband have siblings/parents? Where are they in this mix? Can he afford another living arrangement? Is a nursing home an option? How about adult day care so at least you have some time away from him?
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