I have been caring for my parents now for over 4 or 5 years, dad had dementia and mom has Alzheimer's. I have read, watched videos, studied, follow everything there is about getting them to take a shower or change clothes...epic fail. I am trying so hard to be patient with them but I am burned out. Hard to get help because it is all out of pocket, and they will not help me because they can stand up and take a shower on their own IF I CAN GET THEM TO TAKE ONE! I am running out of every trick I know. Mom gets very angry. Help! What do I need to do now.....trust me I have exhausted all avenues this is my last hope! thank you
When my LO was in a regular AL, they struggled with her resisting care, like baths, but, when she went to the MC, she didn't. For some reason, they just had the confidence and technique to manage it. Plus, I noticed they played music in the shower room. I could hear the staff singing in there. Maybe, it relaxed the residents. ??
You say you've read a lot about the condition and how to address the behavior. So, I take it that you have watched the Teepa Snow videos on You Tube about dementia care and behavior. IMO, that' helpful.
I'd likely discuss things with their doctor. I'd explore treatment, such as medication, if it's deemed advisable, due to anxiety, depression or agitation.
I would likely explore options for help. Have you consulted with an Elder Law attorney about your parent's situation? I would check out what services they may be entitled to both in-home or in a facility. If the funds are not available, how could they become available? More help would likely be needed as they progress and are not mobile.
I'd also keep in mind that eventually, the resistance to care may decrease, but, it may be met with more challenging situations like lack of mobility, wheelchair, or bedridden.
Before making big decisions, though, I'd get some respite time, so you can rest and recharge your batteries. I hope you can find some answers. I hope you'll get more suggestions here too.
Call your local area Agency on Aging to see what programs they would qualify for. You can also call your local Medicare office. Every state has a program that heps Seniors stay in their homes.
Sometimes there is no option but to place someone in Memory Care. The fact that you were trying to care for at least 3 people..Your Mom, Dad and YOU..this does not count any other family you have spouse, children, pets....
You can now be the best advocate for them. You can now care for them without having to worry if you can get them to shower, to brush their teeth, change their clothes, do the laundry....I don't need to go on do I?
Be there as a loving daughter/son. Visit and enjoy your time with them. Let someone else worry about the "other stuff"
I am sure if you could go back with them in time to when they were both well and asked them what they would want you to do in this very situation what would they have wanted you to do? I am sure they would not have wanted you stressed, and worried about all the things that you have been worried about for the last 5 years.
As I have said before and say to my friends...If you can put your head on your pillow at night and say honestly to yourself that you did the best you could given the circumstances then you can rest easy!
Rest easy..sleep well tonight.
I was told by experts they only need bathing 2x a week. Unless they soil themselves. I typed on a 8x11: “Spa day today, don’t get dressed” and taped it on her wall right by her door. During breakfast I would tell her with excitement in my voice that she gets to go to the spa today. While she eats I get her clothes ready and bring them into the spa area (master bathroom). Spa day did included getting her into shower, combing out her hair/ drying it, massaging lotion on her shoulders, arms and legs. During this time I talked to her like the spa owner, not her daughter. I told her she was lucky to get to go to the spa and I wish I could go someday. I would
tell her how pretty she looked and asked her how she enjoyed the services today.
side note: I learned at an Alzheimer’s conference that a lot of dementia/Alzheimer’s patients don’t like to bath because they fear the water because they can’t see it.
Prayers for you and your parents. You are doing the most amazing work in your life, helping parents through this insidious disease.
He was reluctant at first but now goes along with it and doesn't seem to mind. If you can find an outside person who is non-threatening and trained to come in and do this with your parents, I highly recommend it! They key was not making it "optional", but making it mandatory.
Hope that helps!
As for my father who has dementia, he is in an ALF now. He will not let the aids there help him with showers. I have learned to lower my expectations on how often he does. I think he actually has forgotten how. But he doesn't smell. The nurse there said some people don't. He hasn't complained about any rashes. When he does I'll have a doctor prescribe a showering regime and get the aids involved. But for now I tell him the day before we go shopping and out for lunch that our special day is tomorrow. And I would like to go out with a fresh and clean daddy. I kindly remind him of the standards he held in the past. If he ever does smell when I come pick him up, I intend to get him set up in the bathroom and tell him I'll be waiting for him to come out nice and clean so we can go out to eat. And as frustrating as people with dementia can be, anger never works. It helps me to remember the fear, the insecurities, the feeling of losing control and issues like these are often behind the lack of cooperation. A little understanding goes a long way.
days. By the time I’m blow drying her hair, she’s commenting how wonderful she feels! I used to get drenched by sweat and or the shower but now I’m an expert, I have my routine down : )
By the way, I have often found that parents who receive care from their adult children can resist care because they refuse to let their children see them "unable to perform". Parents are supposed to be role models for their children, right! And....they spent many a year positioning themselves as the boss - not you. Can you imagine letting all those years worth of effort go down the drain!
Trust me, your parents are very likely to allow a nurse aid to help them (and even be polite and respectful) when they insist on giving you a run for your money!
Why do Individual’s refuse to Shower?
Do you know what the most commonly refused treatment in a long term care facilities is? It’s not medication, therapy, or diet, it is bathing! Residents refuse to take a bath more than anything else in a long term care facility.
While I was in college I worked in a long term care facility and often had situations where the residents were refusing their showers. Later in life I became an advocate for residents in long term care facilities and would often get calls from concerned family members and staff wanting to know what they could do with a resident who was refusing to take a bath. So what did I suggest? The first thing I want to know when someone is refusing to bathe is why? When I would ask residents this I got many answers such as:
· The water is to cold;
· The water pressure hurts my skin;
· I don’t want a man giving me a shower;
· The staff person is rough with me;
· Dignity issue;
· They rush me;
· It’s not a good time (wanting to give shower during their favorite TV show); or
· I like to take showers in the morning and they want to give it to me in the evening.
Once you know the reason for the refusal you can often come up with solutions that will correct the situation. But what if the resident has dementia and can’t tell you what is wrong? In that case you need to rule out all the possible causes and if nothing can be found you need to bring in the residents doctor and look to see if there is a medical cause.
Example:
An advocate walked on to a secure unit of a long term care facility just as 2 aides were dragging a resident down the hall screaming “I don’t want to take a bath.” It is obvious that the resident was in distress and did not want to be bathed. When staff was stopped and questioned they said the only way they could get her to bathe was to force her. Note: If that resident was injured in anyway during forced treatment i.e. skin tear, bruise or worse that staff could be charged with elder abuse! The staff went on to say they had tried everything and nothing worked. At this point it would be appropriate to get a medical consult and possibly get some anxiety medication that could be given to this lady prior to the bath so she would not be so anxious.
If the individual lives at home the problem could still be any of the issues listed above. If a home health agency is providing care the individual may have a personality conflict with the caregiver. If so contact the agency, most agencies work hard to find a caregiver that is a good match with the individual.
Final thought: Many of our seniors did not grow up taking baths every day. Many just took them once or twice a week. If incontinence is not an issue you may want to consider cutting back on the amount of baths the individual takes each week.
How about you either get a large piece of pretty material (an old curtain would work). Make it into a 'wrap around' that ties with a bow. And give it as a present for her to use IN THE SHOWER.?
Just a thought.
Good luck
Buzzy.