I have for 33 years, and I am exhausted. Mom seems to excuse him.Brother and family live within 25 miles of Mom, I live 10. They only show up when they get family dinner or a holiday. She had a tree smash her hose when she was 90, they never came to see, let alone help. I did it all, cleaning out her stuff and moving it to storage while the house was repaired, and returning it all when it was done. She was in the hospital 3 times that summer, had a biopsy the last time, and after 3 weeks NONE of them had inquired about the outcome! I can't get my head around that attitude. When Mom is gone, I never want to see them again. I know that is not Christian, but I don't think they are very Christian either. Mom has dementia, lives in her house, which means 24/7 for me. She is the most stubborn person I have ever known. She thinks she never misplaces things, her TVs are junk - she can't remember how to use the remote., etc,etc. I'm 70. I have lost the last 5 years of my life. I love her and don't regret it - yet. but the feeling of helplessness is getting overwhelming. Any suggestions. We have an agency in 1 day a week, which Mom says she doesn't need. She does nothing herself anymore, just flits around the house and moves things. .
I just thought I'd add this caveat.
Leave some assets out for her control, like her checking account.
Best advice: see an attorney that specializes in trusts, eldercare, etc.
I totally understand how awful it is to have a brother that does nothing for his own Mother or sister.I have the 2 most selfish brothers on earth that both live close by and never lift a finger,for 9 years straight now.They say they love us but never show it by their actions.Both are Eagle Scouts and claim to be Christians.After all our parents did for them,they are invisable now when Mother needs them most.I just wanted you to know that there are alot of other selfish brothers out there and I feel your pain.They will have to account for their behavior with God and probably have bad karma till they do.They have chosen to throw away wonderful memories they could have made.People tell me to pray for them and let it go but its hard.Take care.LuckyLu
My Mom is 70, has DDD, Colitis, has good days and bad. We, (my Stepfather and I), don't let her do hard physical chores, we get in there and handle the tough stuff she wants done. Ha-lots of times she's the one that takes on something that is too much, she WANTS to do it, USED to be able, and I know that feeling myself, but have resigned myself to the fact I won't be riding a skateboard down the street anytime soon, or riding motocross again, or getting in on a game of football. :-)
You are the same age as the Mother that I am protecting and helping, is someone helping you? Often times she's in too much pain to sleep at night, can be really running on empty from lack of sleep, so I drive her places she needs to go, go with to Dr. appointments, remind her of questions she had. You must be really tough, and that's admirable, but you need to think of yourself some too.
If she's forgetting things like how to work the remote, I'd be scared she'd forget how to work the phone, heaven forbid she'd fall or something. It might be time to consider a different situation for her even though she doesn't like the idea. Little kids don't always like the idea of bath time, bed time, eating veggies, but they can't be left up 'til midnight, dirty and eating a candy bar in place of dinner. :-) I know it's hard to be "the bad guy", but sometimes we've got to be. If the finances aren't there to get her someone to be there more hours, or she just won't allow it, you really may have to find her a different place to live. I will absolutely hate it when I have to do that someday, it will be hard, and I know my Mom will hate it. But we can't leave them in an unsafe or undignified situation either.
Good luck, take your time and think it through, -ignore your brother, unless he's willing to put some actual skin in the game for a change. If you are stuck calling the shots then call them and don't feel bad about it. You're doing the best you can, and that's all any of us can do.
children are still living home. The years have been getting harder and harder as
they get older. both their husbands died which is why they came to live with us.
My husband is an only child but I have two other siblings. One lives in Italy but the
other lives 2 hours away. She comes to see my mother every 5 months or so.
I had to cause a hugh fight for her to take her for one week so my husband and I could take vacation. We haven't been on vacation for years now. She on the otherhand is never home. Always going somewhere. My live has changed
drastically. Not that I don't want to care for my mother but its a hugh weight. Lost all my independence and the ability to spend time with my family and husband.
People shouldn't post unless they to have walked this line! My mother will be89 this summer the past ten years she's had some health issues. and now Dementia, and the MEDS help! Currently out of the hospital and in a rehab for the elderly, planning to come home and live with my family, its not easy but mom and dad (dads be gone 16 yrs. ) did so much for me growing up that it would only be selfish of me not to take care of mom. I do have A family member (out of state) that always says what can I do to help O and thanks for caring for mom..... But every time she use to fly in all they do is make a mess of things and it takes me a week or to calm mom down and straighten stuff. Its been five years I told them NO MORE just stay away! Before this last trip to the hospital it was four years since I talked to sis and let me tell you it was nice! I'm in my forty's with a growing family. Yes its hard but in the end worth it and the peace of mind that you did everything possible. REWARDING
1. Dad had dementia, too. But if I had said to him that his care in his own home was taking a tremendous toll on my brother and me, he would have denied vehemently that he needed us at all! So that would never have talked him into agreeing to even assisted living...and we continued to make our thrice-daily visits to make sure he was medicated and fed. Never could get him to get cleaned up adequately unless he had a doctor appointment. He smelled all the time, poor thing.
2. We finally did get him into a good memory-care assisted living place by lying to him that he needed some in-house rehab because he was losing weight and falling (all true.) He settled in well over a few weeks, and we kept assuring him that this was not a hospital, that we were trying to get him to feel better. When he did fall the next time (it IS inevitable sometimes), at least he had someone right there to help.
So, do what you must, when the time comes that YOU need it to happen. Love your mom and do what's good for both of you. She'll probably love the friends and meals at assisted living!
Can you get Mom to a Senior Center for a meal at least once a week, or for a movie or class? Do you go to church? If you don't have a specific religious affiliation then look for a good sized church with outreach for seniors and caregivers. Any hospitals in your area probably have support groups for caregivers. Do something for yourself every day.
It's hard to walk away from a parent needing help. On the other hand, if we don't put any boundaries there, then it's going to still fall to us.
It's sad that we let our families do this to us, but we're just too close to the situation to realize that we have to find ways to nip it in the bud, where possible.
Think of it, this way - if your sibling finds their lame excuse and then you fall for it and do everything, they can sit back with a clear mind - they don't have to do anything AND they don't have to worry about the parent - it's a totally great situation for them - they get it all.
Before anyone says something like, "Hey, how come some of these people don't have a conscience?," well, who knows. If we could figure out why some people are responsible and others aren't, we could write a book, get rich, and pay for our parents to be taken care of in great style without any more worries, probably. :-)
They were right we had just hoped that the good times would increase and the bad times disappear when she had someone to make her food and give her drinks. I had done everything but eat the food for her in the village my other sister sent her to, and Id find it in strange places.
Where she is they have freedom to do their thing, and the place is just a very high fence all around so they can go outside into the garden freely, just not leave via the front door by themselves.
the peace for all concerned is worth it, I did feel bad, but it was what she needed.
She of course ranted and raved but had no answer when we told her about the oven glowing bright red, and the next morning when I got over the warming drawer was on so a very hot kitchen. and going out to look for the cat one wet night then couldn't remember how to get back. Luckily a sister did pop in even tho it was about 7.30 at night and put her to bed, Had pneumonia the next morning and the cat had bronchitis when she returned. that was the final decision making escapade..
I did tell the hospital that I was the only child physically able to have her, but she would have to go into the dog kennel as I would be out on the farm for several hours at a time and that was the only area that had a 2m high fence.. they kept her in, until a space was found at the rest home. I had no confidence in the rest home villa that she had been placed in.
its hard we so want to respect their wishes, and treat them as an adult. but sundowners and memory loss have no respect either
Hey you never chose your family, you care for your mother, so now its time to choose your life and love yourself. This might sound hard but after 2wks your mother wont remember where she lived or what her house was all about. and after 2mths she will stop that routine I hate being here my family forced me into care. [that's a default built into the elderly] Please go have some fun you are only a couple of years older than me. I have already divorced most of the family apart from one. and its really nice n pleasant.
If she's able to "flit" about, apart from memory issues, does she have health issues?
Even if mom truly wants to stay at home in the worst way, if you can't do it alone and can't get enough help to make it doable, have a plan B so you don't kill yourself trying to to the impossible. To be brutally honest, that is not always figurative, it can be literal. Some caregivers who neglect their own needs for long enough have been known to pass on before their caregivees, and if that were to happen, Mom would end in in skilled care or memory care anyways. I suspect you ought to get more than one day a week agency help - you probably spend that whole time on just all the errands that are 100% your responsibility too.
As for your brother, well most of the contributors to this site have been through the same stuff. Once you move Mom and relax, you can forget about expecting anything from him. BUT as a wise person once said to me - "when your Mom is gone, your sibling is the only family you will have left'. I followed that advice and stopped expecting any help. I was able to renew the family relationship after my Mom passed.