I’m the 24/7 caregiver for my 87 year old mother who has dementia. I pay for 10 hours of outside help. I have a sister who took her out for an hour on Thanksgiving and visited on her birthday. Mother’s Day will be her next visit and I’m dreading it already. She does nothing else to help me care for OUR mother. She even took a part time job to be unavailable 7 days a week and told me she can’t bring OUR mom to her home because she rents and mom might destroy something. OUR mother weighs 89 lbs and can only walk about 10 feet. I’ve been doing this for 7 months. I cried every day for the first 2. I haven’t been able to visit my grandchildren in Ohio or babysit my 2 other grandchildren nearby. I had just retired from my job as a nurse in a state prison when my stepdad had a stroke and passed away...I liked prison better. My mom pees in her shoes and blames my dog...I gave her a small trashcan for dirty tissues and she pooped in it. My dog and I just look at each other and shake our heads. I have gotten to the point where I am ok with this caregiver life but I can’t deal with how much I resent my sister. I don’t want her here. I don’t like her. I don’t want to be the bigger person. I’m doing what I feel is right for OUR mother and I can live with myself. I don’t have to make it easier for her to sleep at night.
What if you give your sister an ultimatum and follow through with it? You can give her time to get our together but this burden needs to be shared.
For some people, they work very hard to get out of sharing a burden and those of us who do everything are stuck. Then we are the ones who others point out as being the bad guy if we are in a bad mood. Sometimes we can’t help but become frustrated.
I, too, have a less than helpful sibling. The only thing I have ever asked of her is for her to call her mother. Just call. "But I can't deal with her". Well, I get to "deal" with her all the time. Suck it up, Buttercup.
My mother would love to see her daughter. If she really wanted to visit, even for a few hours, I would allow it. But only because it would help my mother and make her happy. If the negatives outweighed the positives, there is no way I would allow it.
Like I said, you know your mom best. You know what she needs. You know what to expect from dear ole sis. Maybe fenagle a 2-3 hour respite for yourself and do something for you. But I think you know to not expect anything significant from your sis. You can always try, but I get the feeling she's like my sister and always has an excuse. My sister says "I'm a single mom. I don't have time". Please. Three of her kids are graduated from HS and out of her house. The fourth lives with her father full time, not with her. Yes. She is single, and she is a mother. But she is not a "single mother" in the misleading way that she intends to give...that she has children at home needing her attention.
That is ridiculous. Your sister should be helping you as well as Karin’s.
I'm done with considering everyone else's opinions, feelings, whatever. Since I do the majority of the caregiving, then I do the majority of the decision-making if that is necessary. My mother has a history of difficulty saying "no" to brother #3. That has ended. I don't like him and I won't put up with any nonsense from him.
My two cents.
Isaiah 40:29-31
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Some problems are unfair but there seems to be no remedy.
I urge you to take the high road.
You are the noble one. Let God sort it out in His time.
Grace + Peace,
Old Bob
Are you sure the problem is your sister and not that this caregiver role is too much?
Why? Because what you see depends on where you stand. And some readers will be standing more in your sister's position than they are in yours. But they're still part of a comparable situation.
I have sometimes speculated about what my siblings would say about me. I do it less nowadays because I am pretty confident it would not be complimentary - tributes to my work and dedication, appreciation of my efforts to inform and include them? I think not - and it feels healthier to leave the rumination behind along with the siblings.
One day, you will be free to do that if you choose...
[aside: what is this point you make that if your sister ever needed you you would still take her in? This is an interesting complication. Why so?]
... but meanwhile, to repeat, this is only about your mother. You can, if you want to, make it a simple question: would mother like to see sister?
How you would cope with her presence is an issue, yes. But there are ways to get through it. You don't enjoy quite a lot of the tasks associated with your mother's wellbeing but you do them anyway. For her.
Rage does boil up, and simmer down, and boil up. Again, I sympathise, and I remember. Do you think your sister really knows how you are feeling right now? Have you considered actually telling her?
I think you might have more to lose than I did. All told I was quite glad to see the back of my lot, but I don't gather it's the same for you.
Please do something to rectify your situation. You deserve a life.
Good luck!
Being mean spirited and withholding never makes us feel better, never makes us more. If you are angry with your sister, free both of you, and deal with it directly. Tell her, from your heart, how you feel. You will both be better for it.
Then, release yourself and your mother from this nightmare you are living, and put her in care, before someone gets hurt. This may sound harsh, but it sounds like you have learned from her all too well, how to be unhappy, and make others suffer as a consequence. What happens on the day that all goes too far?
My dear, it’s not a script you need to follow any longer than you choose to. Take back your joy. Choose happiness, and let your mother play out her own drama - that may be the best pay-back to those who have disappointed you, if that is really what you are after. More important though - I hope you can heal and find some peace. I wish you well in that.
Im planning to write a book called "my worst enemy is my sister" .
Yeah, right, my therapist tried to convince me that is not my sister's fault, its mine because I chose to take care of my mother, while I could ignore her too. I say, easy to say, very hard to do.
Okay. Should you refuse to let your sister visit your mother on this mother's day, coming up in just a couple of weeks.
Well, you can. Suppose you decided to, decided it's not happening, you're going to call and tell her not to come.
What would you say?
Continue that statement by saying, Karin, do what is right for her mom and herself as a selfless caregiver.
They don’t owe the sister anything because the sister doesn’t contribute anything positive to their lives. She is however a thorn in their sides.
Sometimes the kindest thing someone can do for another is to stay away from them. Karin’s sister is of no help to her or the mother.
If the mom mom does not request to see her and Karin does not want to see her, the kind thing for sis to do is to stay away.
If the mom does want to see her then Karen does not need to entertain her or provide her home. Sis can take her mom out somewhere.
Karin, I am in the same boat. Useless siblings. I get it. Hope it will get better for all of us. Take care and God bless.
However, I for one am not surprised by the rude thoughtless comments too many people respond without reading the post first.
Maybe when your sister comes to visit you need to leave and take a break. Maybe you can suggest to your sister that she needs to take part in the caregiving of your mom half the time she can stay with her.
You are amazing that you do what you do!
Did she agree with you that keeping her at home was the best idea? Was there a discussion beforehand about what support she'd give you?
You sound teed off and resentful of her. Does she know how you feel? I come from a family in which everyone is all polite but seething inside.
Seething is generally not good for you. Can you and sis talk about what YOUR needs are and how to get them met while you care for mom?
It always seems that one sibling ends up doing everything--or almost everything. I am also the primary caretaker of my mother while my sister does nothing at all. It sounds like conversations with your sibling haven't been effective, either. The way I see it, a caretaker has to survive emotionally and physically the best way he or she can. You should answer to only yourself and your conscience. If that means you don't allow your sister to visit your parent in your home, then that is the way it is.
I'm sorry that you get no breaks from your mother, however. I haven't checked into it myself because my mom is in a retirement home, but someone told me that there are resources available for family caretakers so that you can catch a breath every so often.
You have my empathy, and I wish you the best of luck.
scroll past the negatives and pious rejects ang focus on the good stuff. If you want to be angry and fed up then go and be angry and fed up. It’s nobody’s concern but yours if you want to tell your sister to bugg*r off then do it. You don’t need permission
i am from Australia and we have Dept Aged care, Vetrans Affairs, Anglicare, Salvos, local government, emergency carers respite and such. Do you have equivalent where you are. Are you, as a veteran entitled to support
i think this is more about you being at the end of your rope. Total burnout. Complete rage I think you need to contact aged care services and social services to find out what you and your mother are entitled to or pay someone to do it for you.
Forget about the sister and the brother. They are never going to come to the party. Let it go. As we say in Oz. Pi** them off
1. Can she go to daycare
2. Can you get in home help
3. Time for full time care? Or at least respite
4. Does your mother have financial resources to help
5. How much is your sanity worth
you are not alone. However if you don’t take some good advice and get some me time you are going to lose your mind
I am not only the daughter of a 93 y.o., I also work in this long term care business. Not sure where you live, but there are all sorts of assisted living and nursing facilities and memory care units. There is such a thing as getting on Medicaid and having help from medicaid long term care in a facility or in the person's home. For the veteran or veteran spouse, there is help from aid and attendance. There's all sorts of help available. Call the Area Agency on Aging... google it if you do not know where it is.
But know this, just because you make your decision, does not mean that a sibling has to make the same decision. Each has a right to his/her own decision and that does NOT make them bad people. "Just different strokes for different folks". What works for one does NOT work for all.
It works out right now with my mom in my home, but in the future, if she requires the same kind of care your mother does, I am not going to spend the rest of my life being resentful..... I will have her go to assisted living or memory care or nursing facility, whatever is needed to get her good care, and NOT feel guilty about it.
Getting all that weight off your shoulders sounds like it would be good for you as well. Let your mom go to a good facility and you be HAPPY. Happy that she will get the care she needs and you can visit your children and grandchildren, and have some life of your own. It sounds like you are just making everyone miserable because of YOUR choice.
Your sibling does not have to stay in your home, but definitely she should be allowed to see her mother. Why not? Because she doesn't do what you expect her to?
I have Health Care Proxy and POA over my dad. I live 1 1/2 hours away. My sister lives with my mom and dad and is the primary caretaker. We also have an aid that comes in 6 days a week for 5 hours a day. My sister works part time and when she is not working, she has to be involved with the aids care of my dad. She will not take a break. I have even suggested that when the aid is in the home and my sister is off, that she go sit at a coffee shop for a break. She refuses. When my sister refuses to take a break, there is little that can be done. She is not willing to take care of herself. Even when I visit, she runs around doing unnecessary stuff. I have tried to help in various ways but she will not take the help. I would be greatful if my sister left the home when I go for a visit.
Take care of yourself.
Walk in her shoes, then you might have a different perspective.