Should I refuse to let my sister visit OUR elderly mother in my home for her semiannual feel better day?

Karin,

How are things going? I hope things work out for you.

gnorth,

"First off, you have to be 1 step from homelessness in order to receive Medicaid". .... not so, I work in this field. Go to an eldercare attorney. It's worth the $$$

pandabear,
Again, just because one person thinks the parent should be taken care of the way that one person thinks.... does NOT make it so. That caregiver thinks the brother should take care of the parent and resents him..... I'm sure he has valid reasons for not doing so. EVERYONE needs to take a step back and not act like a sibling should do what YOU think should be done. Who are you or they to judge?

If that is what YOU want to do, so be it. But there are all sorts of sides to "the rest of the story".

And I see people in nursing homes here in my state who have Medicaid and are getting terrific care in a nursing home.

Karin, Your Path is a very difficult one. Sometimes one feels that no matter which way we turn we are faced with life changing decisions. I have been a CNA, in memory care, assisted lvg, and independent living, and have seen so many heart wrenching situations. Also have been a HHA and watched people living at home with or without family or caregivers. Decisions and choices made with certainty, resolve, obligation and guilt. But ultimately all are choices. Each individual makes a choice. Whether the decision is made with love, compassion and responsibility or selfishness, greed and lack of empathy lies with the being involved. I do not know what drives your sister's choice. Some simply cannot deal with the reality of the impending loss or perhaps the choice was made when you assumed responsibility for the care of your mother. I do know that whatever the circumstances were/are you will be the one who suffers and hurts a hundred times over if you do not let go of the anger and resentment. When dementia is involved it is many times in the best interest of all involved for the person to be in a place that has the training and personnel to handle the day to day living. It is not a "failure" to recognize that not one of us is always able to handle the myriad of problems, yes problems, that arise. Your choice is not a "simple" one but, you must make it regardless. Your life and that of your grandchildren vs trained care for your mom. Your current choice is one of anger and resentment for things you have no control over. It will and can eat at you until there is a hollow place in your being. A part that neither you or your grandchildren will ever get back. Make your choice and let go of what you cannot control. I pray that the angels are at your side.

I know exactly how you feel because I am in the exact same spot. Only I am on my 19th year of it. I had my Grandmother and my mom at the same time. My siblings thought that because I wasn't married and had lost my job that I could just take care of it, easy. The first month I had to move my grandmother in with my mom I literally thought I was going to die.My mother kept calling the police because she saw scary people in the trees in the front yard and my grandmother kept leaving because she wanted to go home. She didn't sleep for 5 days, and then she would crash for 3 days. She wouldn't eat or drink. My siblings just couldn't get how hard it was. I was doing this by my self with no breaks. The only way I survived this was my belief that God would sustain me, I hit my needs several times a day. I would not have made it if it were not for Heavenly Fathers strength. My Grandmother passed and I am still caring for mom. I have learned many things. Frist get a social worker to come in and help you with what ever is available in your area, second, I hope you have power of attorney or you are her guardian, if not get that done now. Read everything you can about dementia, there are several kinds. It will help you deal with her disease. Take care of your own health, or both of you will be hurting. Live in her world and try to remember that you are dealing with a disease, don't take anything negative she says to you personally. Her brain isn't working right. You have to become an actor. I would wear my hair down when I had to do things my mother didn't like. She would hide food etc and then it would smell and I cleaned it up which made her mad. I would then leave the room, change my shirt and put my hair up. Then come back in the room to bathe her or what ever and she would think I was someone else and complain about the other woman to me, but she would cooperate with me cause I was the nice one. It took 9 years to get my brother to help me, He would complain that I had it so easy, not working and staying home all day etc. So some of my good friends had had enough and paid for me to take a vacation. I called my brother and told him I was taking a week and he needed to come and take care of mom, I wrote up about 15 pages of all the things he had to do and told him the day I was leaving, and if anything happened to mom while I was gone would be on his head! He was shocked that he was going to have to take time off of work and that I needed a break, He came on the day I was leaving and before I could get out the door mom pooed her pants and he wanted me to come back in to change her, it was hard for me , but I said no, that there was step by step instructions on how to do it. I left, I did have a friend who would come everyday to help him for a few hours, I just didn't tell him. Needless to say he lasted 3 hours before he was calling in reinforcements. He had 6 people in taking care of mom. I reminded him that I had 2 of them, doing it all by myself. He had a new respect for what I go through every day and now I get a little more help but a lot more respect then I use too. I had to use shock tactics on all my siblings to get them to understand, It was scary leaving mom in their hands, but it worked. My mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid either I found the AREA ON AGING, they have some programs for care givers, you might have something like that in your area. I wish lots of luck and love

Gnorth, maybe where you are the nursing home may be like that, but it surely is not in my state and many others. It invariably can be better with family support, but there are many many people who do not have that and get good care in a nursing home.

I am unsure if you mean your mother receives 2000 + other income (ie. social security), which is what I think you might mean. Otherwise, the total amount of 2000 is the typical amount for Medicaid, again, perhaps not every state. But it all goes back to your decision on her living with you with your care or in a nursing home (if a higher level of care is needed than an assisted living facility). Remember there are huge differences between needs and wants.