we were married for 23 years. Both retired. Both had lost a spouse the year before. Both 78 years old. We were together 24/7 all those years. He had beginning of dementia. She convinced him I was stealing from him and that I wasn’t taking care of him so she kept him in Mn when he visited her for Father’s Day, 2024. She has not allowed me to visit him since then. I haven’t been able to call him since October, 2024. Can’t send him emails or text messages. She told him I was harassing him. I am blocked on his phone, computer and iPad. She has complete control over him. He is in assisted living. I don’t even know if he’s alive! I filed for separation support late in 2024 because she gave me one month to figure out how I would survive, and she decided he should divorce me. He told me he didn’t want to. We originally wanted to visit to see if we were still compatible. No luck on that. Sorry this is so long. Tell me if I should post it someplace else.
As others have pointed out, this stepdaughter may very well have committed financial fraud. And along with that fraud, I would NOT discount the possibility that by placing you in this very vulnerable and threatened position of possibly losing your 40-year home, etc, - she has likely crossed into the territory of committing Elder Financial Abuse against YOU. That’s a crime.
What is that old adage? Something like “Walk softly, but carry a big stick”. The walking softly would be not giving any heads up to anyone who may say anything. Play your cards very close to your chest. The *big stick* - that would be making immediate contact with an incredibly astute (and aggressive) Elder Law Attorney, one with successful experience in fraud and financial abuse cases.
This doesn’t even touch the emotional distress this experience has had on you. I am so so sorry. Please continue to reach out for support.
I am sending you all thoughts to surround you with strength, calm and resilience. You KNOW this is not the path your husband would have chosen.
Warmly,
JB
If your credit cards were under your name alone, she would not be allowed to shut them down. If they were in your husband's name but with you as an authorized user, than he would have the ability to shut them down -- but the question is, did he do it, or did she commit fraud by doing so?
Has your husband, or she on his behalf, been paying half of your mortgage as the court ordered in February? What else did the court order, and have he/she abided by it?
i am so sorry you’re going through this pain and forced separation from your husband. I understand first hand that relationships with step kids can be complex at times.
Do you consider your relationship with your stepdaughter to have been pretty smooth over the years or were there some rough spots in the years leading up to your husband’s diagnosis / early symptoms of dementia? I don’t intend to make you feel badly… sometimes we have to dive into our pasts to uncover what may lead others to make the moves that we find so hurtful and unreasonable.
If you’re comfortable, can you explain a bit about what you think your step daughter’s motivation(s) may by for taking this hard line with you? For instance:
1. Bitterness over the fact her dad remarried after her mother’s passing. (This may have NOTHING to do with you personally.) Despite her dad’s decision to remarry never being her decision to begin with, some kids (even adult “kids”), simply cannot accept their widowed parent’s decision to seek happiness with a new partner.
2. Is the daughter insinuating or using the excuse that his solo travel to Minnesota was somehow “irresponsible”, given his recent diagnosis? And perhaps “Blaming” you for the fact that he traveled on his own? Had she ever pointed fingers at you for other things over the years?
3. Is she operating from a place of *paranoia* regarding whatever assets he (and you) may own, and that you intended to “steal” some inheritance from her. This assumption always makes me sick to my stomach - when people plan how they’ll spend other’s money while the people are still alive and able to fully live.
I don’t know, Cricketjr. This just feels so wrong in every way. How can a person just interfere in a couple’s marriage like this and force a separation?
Are you divorced? I hope not. Is she living out some childhood fantasy daddy’s girl thing where she thinks he’s finally “chosen” her over you?
If you’re still his legal wife, I’d think you’d be able to make some progress through medical records and contact with an attorney.
I wish you the very best. Please reach out for the support you deserve.
Warmly,
JB
1. This might partly be the case.
2. I don’t think so.
3. Absolutely!
Not divorced yet. She has had him file but court keeps getting postponed which might give me more time to figure this out.
I do have a divorce attorney but will try to find an elder law attorney.
and yes, definitely, to her thinking he’s finally chosen her over me. Matter of fact, I feel that way, too!
What are your finances? Where is his money going? Where is the money for his assisted living coming from? What has been happening with all your bills and joint account, credit cards, etc. -- have he or she been using them?
I suggest you start by contacting Adult Protective Services in Minnesota and asking that they check on him as to whether this arrangement is what he wants and whether she is exploiting him financially. If her handling of the finances is harming you, then contact APS in your home state about that.
Also, get an Elder Law attorney in your home state to sort out whether she can legally do this and if so, what your rights are in the situation.
my bills are not getting paid. My 3 credit cards I had in my name, even when married to him, have all been cut off and closed. We (my caregiver daughter and I) visit the local food bank.
I am in danger of losing my home of 40+ years because he took out a remodeling loan in his name and so he had to have his name on the deed. At least the Judge ruled in February that he had to pay 1/2 the mortgage.
I will find an elder law attorney this week!
Sadly if she has had him sign a POA or if she has obtained Guardianship (although if that is the case you legally should have been notified of the court case.) then she has more rights than you do as the spouse.
PLEASE consult an attorney, you may have to consult one where he currently is.