Can you “divorce” your parent? Enough is enough!
My dad has severe bipolar. This has been his third time in the mental hospital where he stayed about 8 weeks trying to get some normalcy. In the past, bipolar meds got him stable and he went home 2 times. In about a year, he would quit taking the meds and then get psychotic. And then we are back at the mental hospital.This time has been different. He has been added diagnosis of mild cognitive decline/dementia. Although he still has a pretty good thought process and seems pretty sharp for awhile but then he slips a little and I know he can’t be on his own. But he doesn’t see it that way. The doctor there at the mental hospital said ”this is as good as it gets” there is no medicine for cognitive decline.This last stint, (before he was sent away for 8 weeks) he was arrested for breaking and entering (going into someone’s house without permission). He was leaving Bible tracts at the preachers house to get him saved and then entered the preachers son’s house next door and was walking around the house leaving more Bible tracts. The cops were called and he was extremely erratic and they made him spread eagle on the ground. Arrested him and impounded his car.they called me to ask if he had mental problems and I said yes. Apparently they had to let him go and didn’t book him. Or either the homeowners dropped the charges?? regardless: he was sent to the hospital for a psych eval. And they released him almost immediately. They know him well there and don’t want to be bothered with him!! Anyway: 2 days later he put red paint on his face and ran down the road a mile to a convenience store and started tapping on the window of customers in their cars. Asking them if they were Jewish. The owner of the store came out and hemmed him up long enough for the cops to come and get him again. This time the sheriff told the hospital that they wanted a full eval not to release him. Longer story short. He was sent to a mental hospital were he stayed for 8 weeks trying to get some normalcy.
He has to be at a locked facility due to being a flight risk so he’s at a nursing home/rehab center. He's been there about a month and is raising sand about not having anything to do. Hes 80 but in really good shape for his age. And he has been active for most of his life. So I get it. But he is demanding to go home. With all of the usual promises of taking the meds. His finances are in complete shambles because he wasn’t paying any bills. And he just cannot afford assisted living (he was in a really nice assisted living the first hospitalization but demanded to leave there too)
Im tired of the pressure he puts on me to get to go home. The rage, the phone hang ups. I’m tired of distant relatives pressuring me too by saying “ he said he’s learned his lesson” can’t he go home? yeah well he has said that every single time.if he gets out again this time, it will not end well for him. He will get killed or wreck his car or hurt someone else in the process. It won’t end well because it almost didn’t end well this time!! So dangerous! You don’t go in someone’s home these days! You could easily get shot!
So my question is: What is there for me? Can I legally divorce him and assume no more responsibility for him? I am at my wits end and I am tired of living this nightmare. I just can’t do this anymore. My sleep has been so awful that I’m definitely sleep deprived.
Also, my dad has been awful my entire life and hasn’t really been a father to me. He always came and went as he pleased doing whatever he wanted to do when I was a kid. Absentee father yet “living at home” so it’s safe to say there is no love lost on this man that causes me such extreme stress!!My mom finally divorced him when my brother and I were grown. Oh and my brother lives in Chicago and has zero to do with him.
do I have any options or is this my life?
signedso tired and so exhausted.
Do you have his medical and/or financial POA? If so, you can cancel those. Are you on any of his bank accounts or co-owner of anything like his car, co-signer on a lease or mortgage, anything like that? If so, you might want to talk with an Elder Law / Family Law attorney about how to separate these so you have no obligation anymore. If you don't have any financial or legal entanglement, just walk away.
Let Adult Protective Services and the Sheriff's office know of the situation because they might need to deal with things like canceling his driver's license. But make sure they know that you are not going to be involved in his care anymore.
I'm sorry this is so horrendous. You deserve much better than this in your life, so clear this impediment from it.
I haven’t thought about contacting the sheriffs department and letting them know I’m done. That’s a great idea!
You've gotten some good advice here. I'll add this to it...... tell your Budinsky relatives to take him home with THEM! I guarantee you'll never hear another word from them again. They just want to be Armchair Critics and hand out Free Advice. God forbid they lift a finger to help you. Not gonna happen.
I wish you the best of luck moving on with your life without dad.
He does not belong behind the wheel for sure! Thank you for your reply.
If not, then just stop being involved. Disengage. Block his calls or change your phone number, move, do whatever you need to prevent him and his problems from re-entering your life.
If you have POA or guardianship, then speak to an elder law attorney about how to remove yourself from any obligation for your father.
When relatives question you, you do not need to provide any explanation or argue with them. Let them know you are not involved, and they are welcome to help him manage his life if they wish to do so.
Drastic measures are long overdue! Changing your number is a good start. It may take you weeks to adjust to peace and quiet. You probably have developed PTSD by now. Sorry you got stuck with this.
Cut them all off, including distant relatives! Why do you believe you are responsible for your mentally ill Dad? I'd only let the local police know you are done with your Dad, and that he may try to fix his car and drive again. DO NOT give your new number out! I'd have his non-running car towed.
Hopefully you work and have your own place. If not, find a place, or rent a room in someone's home. Are you aware that 40% of Caregivers die before their patient does? From the stress, constant (unpaid) work, and lack of sleep/mental exhaustion. As long as you keep showing up and rescuing Dad, you will carry the burden forever.
You have to protect yourself and take care of yourself, by yourself. Do you realize you have already been doing this, plus babysitting a crazy person? Cut them all off and focus on yourself. YOU GOT THIS!
Was a Care Manager ever assigned to him?
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