How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

My mother has been mentally ill for most of her life. She had a breakdown in her 20's but took medicine to keep her illness under control But she refuses to see a doctor anymore or take medication. In the last 20 years she has become incredibly mean and violent. My father is almost 78 and he has been trying to take care of her (part of it could be some sort of love and part could be his religion that keeps him doing what no one else would want to do). She orders him about and treats him like a slave. We can't understand why he doesn't leave her. I couldn't even begin to tell you the horror stories of what she's done and how she acts. My sisters and I are worried about getting our dad out of this horrible environment. She is paranoid, schizophrenic and refuses to see a doctor or take any medication. She is now requiring him to do everything physical for her (including personal hygiene), although when she wants to, she can move around and go to the bathroom just fine by herself. She doesn't allow him to leave the house anymore or visit or talk to any family members. When he calls me (in secret while walking the dog), my heart breaks when he tells me what she's doing. She's physically abusive to him but he won't seek help because he's embarrassed. He won't leave her and he can't get her to go to a doctor. What can we do?

Has your Dad ever talked about what he believes are his religious obligations with a moral theologian? I did and what an eyeopener! I was piling all sorts of obligations on myself and I was just plain wrong. If this is a matter of what he believes the Bible says, then maybe talking to someone who actually knows a lot about the Bible, might help. Sometimes people forget the Bible wasn't written in modern English. The way it is now, he is actually enabling her bad behavior and not getting medical help.

My mother is 92 and I'm 71. She's BIpolar and now has some dementia too. She didn't take medication for her BP but after my father died 10 yrs ago, she's been taking them (long story). She still has manic episodes twice a year but they're not nearly as bad as they were when she was unmedicated. She's been in AL for several years and they deal with her well. The facility physician has recommended a psych evaluation but she refuses to go. I've been told (and it's also my feeling) that because she was unmedicated for over 60 years her BP is difficult to treat. With the exception of the two episodes, she does well. I can't force her to see a psychiatrist and the facility can't either. I've lived with this my whole life and at times it's been h*ll. I still have anxiety when she's manic but at her age I don't have any hope for a cure and am convinced there's no panicia.

susanesmith I am 55 and my mother is 77. She is bipolar with psychotic effect. Been untreated except for a short period in 2008, for most of her life. I was forced to pick her up from GA and bring her to be closer to me. She has picked at me all of my life, but when things are good, she is sweet and funny. I took her to the psychiatrist asap. She has refused her meds. Now they are going to give her a once a month injection! I told her it would bring her some clarity and help her have better days. She seemed ok with that. I too believe that because she was untreated for soooo long, that there is no going back. Thankfully, a little bit can be managed. Even though I know she has mental health issues, anything she says to me is hurtful. Sending you love and blessings. I know how hard it is.

Meds help my mother. She has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism - diagnosed only in her 90s. She is 104 now and also has vascular dementia as well. I am 79 and still care giving at a distance. No counselling type therapy will work after a lifetime of the illness. She has been emotionally and verbally abusive all along. The anti-psychotic injections (twice a month) help a lot and also an antidepressant. When she was younger she would not consider any evaluation or treatment - family problems were not her fault, in her eyes, but everybody else's fault. Having a mentally ill parent is a huge burden and brings lots of hurt.

" I've lived with this my whole life and at times it's been h*ll. " Yes!

You are not alone - there are many here with this type of problem. ((((((((hugs))))))) to both of you.

OMG All these letters sound like my mom. I have been going crazy for the past 3 years. At this point I have my phone blocked from her incessant calling and messaging. And am not talking to her cause it does absolutely nothing but raise my blood pressure to the all time high of 234/101 and you know what she tells me - take another pill! She is being well taken care of at home but she is still driving me crazy. I hear what's going on from my sister who still talks to her but lives 2,000 miles away. I get her mail and stuff she sends over to my house. Thru dealing with her I had to deal with my dying dad who was a saint. He told me he was afraid of her as she went after him with a knife, chair and a vacuum! She bad mouths me to everyone and all I did was help! She has people believing I am the worst person that walked the earth! I am at the end of my rope. I am 69 and not in the best of health, she is 90. I had to laugh reading about the bad back and moving furniture - fits her to a T. I've been to ER with both of them so many times I lost count. Filled out so many applications for various things, it just goes on and on. It's a never ending nightmare. It was nice to read about other people with the same problems - and I have no answers!! Just needed to blow off steam!

How do I care for my parent with mental illness? To preserve my own health and sanity I've placed her in the care of professionals as much as her money will allow, even though it means no inheritance. No amount of money can replace the comparative peace of mind I have knowing she is care for in ways that I don't have to. I pity those who have little to no financial reserves available and find themselves the One Holding the Bag.

That's not to say I do things for her. I'm the Wizard of Oz behind the curtain, managing finances and medical care. But in minimizing contact, I'm trying to preserve what's left of my health. In 7 months my blood pressure has skyrocketed (when I had no BP issues before). A benign cardiac condition has morphed into something malignant. Anxiety levels are barely manageable.

This forum has helped a lot.

AmberA - I feel your pain! My mother has been in the hospital for the last 10 days - and her mental illness has gotten so much worse. She's diagnosed with dimentia with delirium - and there are elements of paranoia. She just called me and said the nurse was 'jerking' her around and now she's fearful that 'she's going to come back in here and hit me in the head and kill me' - do I have to stay here? She's getting discharged tomorrow and is aware of that - but she thinks she's going back to her apartment. Earlier today she was aware that she's going to AL - so she can talk with the other ladies there...

I've been trying to take care of her for six years and moving her in and out of AL - to her own apartment - which became such a disaster (she wasn't able to take care of it or herself); now she's going to an Adult Foster Home - hopefully a smaller setting will be more soothing to her - I just wish she would get a grip on reality (seems to come and go). I'm hoping to be able to see her - but already I sense that she's going to be calling and complaining about the other residents (all very nice older ladies) and/or the caregiver - a wonderful, kind caring woman - who I feel must be eligible for sainthood to open her home and care for people in this condition.

At any rate, I'm managing her finances and have the responsibility of cleaning out yet another apartment (she makes such a mess of everywhere she lives, that is no small matter!!!) Friends are offering to help move a few things she can take with her - but I know at the end of the day I'll be the one there with the final mess to clean up.
And my BP is running high - I'm afraid to take it anymore. I've already had the cardiac condition (mine was treated by undergoing an ablation a few years ago)...so the stress of this event with my mom isn't causing those crazy palpitations that were occurring before the ablation (I'm thankful for that - otherwise I would have had a heart attack by now, as those were 'stress related')...We can only surmise who was causing my stress??? Hang in there...this is a great forum. I posted in Caregiver Life Balance and received many words of encouragement there. I still find it amazing the number of adults who are trying their best to take care of elderly parents - and we have such similar stories, issues, concerns. The Socialworkers at the hospital said that caregivers should not be relatives - they're the worst ones as far as taking the abuse that our parents want to dish out - they have no problems telling family members where to get off - things they'd never say to a stranger - or one could hope they won't.

I noticed this question is about eight years old at this time and I hope you were able to resolve the issue. Unless you've had some training on dealing with mental illness, you won't be able to deal with your mentally ill parent on your own, especially if you've never had work experience in this area. Let's say you would've had a work experience at a mental hospital. This would've given you enough experience to deal with your mentally ill parent if you would've worked there long enough. When I was a ward of the state after my rescue from my abusive parents at age 13, I was eventually placed in a children's psychiatric hospital where there were tons of children with multiple types of issues, including but not limited to a history of surviving abuse. The workers who dealt with us dealt with a wide range of people and some of them were actually pretty wild when they went off. No one wanted to be there and no one is really made to be cooped up so this was unnatural for all of us. Being locked in a ward with a bunch of strangers is very unnatural and enough to make anyone go off. Some of us will just run to our rooms only to have the staff come harass us and make us come back out on ward despite being harassed by our peers. That didn't work with me and I went off on the staff and many of us like that ended up in a concrete room with nothing. That room was called the QR or quiet room if you please since it had nothing in it. Yes, there are people who know what mental illness is especially if you're locked up at a young age since you know what it's like to be in prison as someone put it. A mental hospital in some cases it's just a taste of prison life which is why the hospital for children eventually shut down after events like coming up with a program called "without walls". This hospital was called Sagamore Hills located on Dunhan Road in Northfield Ohio. The old program was really not much help and was not as good for troubled children since so many of them for long periods of time and some for years. If you suffer abuse for too long at a young age there's always some level of scars left behind by the abuse. You may want to delve into your aging relatives passed to see what may be behind the mental issues because there may have been past abuse growing up that may have left some level of mental scarring. This is usually the culprit behind why some people have issues besides a chemical in balance in the blood. You may want to have this person evaluated by the right kinds of professionals and have blood drawn by a specialist who knows what to look for to see if there's a chemical imbalance in the brain causing the issues. There could also be some form of vitamin or mineral deficiency which is also easily correctable. One friend of mine was taking B complex which really helped him. I don't know if he still takes it but you may actually want to look into it for your aging relative. If there was also past abuse at a young age, there's probably permanent scarring and I would be very surprised if this person ever held down any kind of job depending on how bad the mental illness might've been. There are so many different types and levels of mental illness and some people may actually appear normal until certain things happen that are triggers, triggers that should be avoided. For some people, it's actually better for them to be alone to avoid triggers and emotional upset that could lead to further problems. Avoiding triggers is actually best for your well-being because stress as once mentioned really does lead to a host of physical health issues, especially unexplained ones. If someone has an unexplained physical problem, the first place you're going to want to look is at their stress level and why they're stressed. Whatever is stressing them should be resolved and the problem removed and you wouldn't be a bit surprised to see the physical problem soon vanish if it really is stress related and not some other underlying physical condition, medication reaction or some other cause.

Hello....I not only take care of my grandmother who suffers like your mother does but I myself suffer from mental illness. I think the fact that I have issues also helps me cope. I always feared that people would judge me by my illnesses and never take the time to get to know the real me. So in dealing with my Grammy no matter what happens I always remember that it's her illness talking and when she gets me super frustrated (which she can do a lot) I think of the most amazing time I ever spent with her!!!

I know this all 2 well... it seems my mom's mental illness's have gotten worse since she became handicapped. And now that I'm her caregiver she is treating me like crap just like she did when I was doing her job when I was a kid... There's no appreciation what so ever. Never will be...

Sadly, I think you’re right. I’m at that cross road and it’s quite painful to endure dealing or running with such a person,especially when it’s your mother.