How do you care for your parent when they have always had some form of mental illness?

Neon, been there. Every time I tried to quit, I failed. God had to help me. He can do what we can't. I can relate to the fever blisters, too, mostly brought on by stress. Let us know when you write that book. Hang in there; you're in a difficult situation, but you are a survivor. Take care! :)

Thank you I will let you know and if I can get it published I will send you all a autogrAPHED FREE COPY THERE WILL LOTS OF EYE OPENERS AND SADNESS IN THERE TO BUT ULTIMATELY THERE WILL BE TRIUMP SEE THIS TYPING THATS WHY I HAVEN'T STARTED IT YET HOPEFULLY ONE MORE WEEK THAN i WILL BE ABLE TO TAKE THE SPLINT OFF AND START TYPING AWAY.

AS FOR SMOKING I THOUGHT I LET GOD ME IN CONTROL BUT GUESS I WAS FOOLING MYSELF NOW HAVE TO START OVER AND I DON'T WaANT TO I WANT THAT CIGARETTE. YES I'M A SURVIVOR AND EVERYTIME I SAY SOMETHING TO MY SISTER JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING I CAN TELL SHE DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT SHE ALWAYS SAYS WELL SHE'S GETTING OLDER I KNOW LOTS OF PEOPLE OLDER THAN MY MOTHER WHO ARE AS SHARP AS A TACK AND SO IS SHE WHEN IT SUITS HER. I JUST REFUSE TO BE TREATED LIKE A MAID SOMETHING HAS TO BE SAID IF I TAKE A DAY OFF SO FROM NOW ON I JUST KEEP IT TO MYSELF THEREFORE WE WON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT EITHER. I GUESS WITH OUR CHILDHOOD WE REALLY CAN'T HAVE A SISTER RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE THE DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE OR MY IDEA OF CLOSENESS IS DIFFERENT THAN MY SISTERS. WHO THE HECK KNOWS

I want to quit smoking too Neon. So much stress right now I'm smoking more than before. Mom is being discharged from Behavioral Health tomorrow and is suppose to be transported by an ambulance service to an assisted living center. I told her that she was going to an asst. living today. One of the counselors was with us. It didn't go well at all. I knew it wouldn't. I tried to talk to her and the counselor did too but no luck. I just hope the ambulance service will go ahead and take her tomorrow. One that I called said they couldn't take her if she refused so I called another one and they felt like they could deal with it. I'm praying all goes well. I am hoping this is temporary and she will get better and be able to come home but the doctor didn't give me much hope in that area. He told me she was "as good as she's gonna get". I do believe God performs miracles so I'm praying for one. I know she needs to be there for sure until my hubby has his surgery on the 8th and has recovered somewhat from that. He doesn't need to be dealing with all this stress right now though.

Dear lucy, I feel for both you and your mom. So good to hear from you. This could be just what you and your husband need to recover from all the emotional crisis you have endured lately . Since he needs rest for adequate healing, and you need it to cope with everything, consider this as part of God's plan for everyone for right now. Can you accept that as answered prayer? Your mom may well end up getting her needs met in a different way for now. She may even adjust beautifully. You never know how it will go, except I am beginning to understand that things aren't always smooth where mental illness exists.

I'm curious; what type of AL facility will she be going to? Do they make allowances for people with her condition? What types of support are there for her and for you? Will she continue to see a counselor while in AL?

Thanks for letting us know where things stand. We will continue to keep you and your husband and mom in prayer. Hoping you all have your needs met, and that surgery goes well for your husband. Take care of you, as well.

Sis, I'm not really sure but I think I will probably be taking her to the Mental health clinic every few months. The AL facility has two sections. One is for people who are totally ambulatory and can come and go as they please (don't have to worry about them wandering off). Mom is in the other part that is locked down so she won't be able to get out on her own. I don't know if they have any others there that have a condition like hers. Most of them appeared to have alzheimer's or dementia of some sort.

That sounds like a place my dad is at. There's a mixture of differing conditions residing in one facility. Makes life interesting. So does dealing with a Personality Disorder diagnosis. Don't know how long you've had her diagnosis, but it sure changes the way you look at them, doesn't it? It's not just mom with an attitude, but mom with an attitude for a reason. Something to blame it on. But it's still hard, isn't it? Though it's still mom, which makes is harder, it seems. So, are you close by? What do they suggest for your visits? Right away, or wait awhile? What are your thoughts about having her placed here? And, are you doing well?

The one she will be at is about 30 min. away. They will move her to another one closer (same people own it) when a room opens up. They said I could visit whenever I want. Since hubby is having surgery next week I may not be able to visit as much during that time since the hospital is about 20 min. in the other direction. They haven't suggested anything in the way of visits. I am going to wait a while before I take her anywhere. They said I could take her out and drive her to town or visit people ,etc. but I'm afraid I wouldn't get her back in. I am feeling bad that I had to do it cause I know its not what she wants, but on the other hand the thought of her coming home now scares me. The daily drama is so stressful. I'm just hoping that she won't fight with the ambulance people. I'm afraid she'll act up and they will not want to take her. If I take her she won't get out of the car. Mom was diagnosed over 20 yrs. ago. She was sick long before that though. How did your dad handle being placed in a care facility?

Hi lucy, my Dad is a little different, in that he has Alzheimer's. He was getting into neighbor's mailboxes, and being inappropriate with women (still is) and children, so his doctor suggested I take him to ER. I had to drive 200 miles down from my home to theirs to offer him a ride to the police station, or to "the Doctor." Hardest thing I've had to do, by far, as daughter. He chose "doctor," saying he'd been "nasty." While there, they put him in a gown, and handed me his clothes (so he couldn't run off). I sent mom home (with my husband driving), and stayed with him. I thought they'ed admit him. But they sent him to a Geriatric Psychiatric unit at a hospital in another city. I watched him try to resist the EMTs who drove the amublance, as they put him on a stretcher. (Dad was an EMT for over 18 years). Though he was really resistant, they convinced him to comply. It was so hard seeing that. Then hubby and I followed behind his ambulance. Dad was really angry, but they took him for "stabilization," and eventually medications helped with that. They didn't suggest we visit at first, but wait a while. He was there one month, and we visited a few times. Mom, too, separately. From there, he was admitted to a Nursing Home, not of our choosing. We visited as often as we could; again, not a lot at first, at their suggestion, giving him time to adjust. After several months, and a serious illness and hospitalization, I finally moved him closer to me, where he will remain. But we're talking Alzheimer's in his case. Unfortunately, he is still struggling with some of the same issues, and declining due to the course of his disease.

My mom is a different story. Talk about struggling with mental illness! We're just wondering what to expect next. So far, she is lucid enough, and convincing enough to sidestep my efforts to change things. She is trying to convince "friends" (enablers) that I am lying about her, and saying I'm "abusing" her. Wow! She refused to let me escort her into the Psychiatrist's office the other day. This is becoming a living nightmare. (I'm sure I don't have to say more about that to you.)

We thought she had some dementia, but never realized it was more. A diagnosis of PD rocked my thinking, and mom is definitely rocking my world. Looking back, I connect the past with remembrances of how she always did (unless placated). So, this is an ongoing journey for us, as well.

Staff says they adjust in time, and I've seen that. Each person adapts to the AL or NH environment differently, so you never know how things will turn out for your mom. EMTs are trained to deal with these types of behaviors, and do better than we could at getting someone to comply with them. This has got to be an anxious time for you, but your mom is probably in very reliable hands, and things will probably turn out OK. Your job will be to convince your mother of your concern for her welfare, and the wonderful love you have for her. She will most likely settle in to a routine with her new facility, and receive the support and routine she needs. As long as she knows you love her and will visit from time to time, that should help. You can talk to her Social Worker for suggestions to ease her transition, maybe even calling ahead, to get some ideas of what to expect.

We took picture frames of happy times for my Dad's walls and tables. We sent loving cards and messages, flowers and balloons, even musical greeting cards, and ones with recordable messages of our voices. We tried to surround him with a few of his favorite things: his Bible, favorite books and magazines, etc. (Just some thoughts...)

Ease your mind, and let the professionals take things from here. You can relax in knowing this is common, and many are very good at what they do. Your mom, like many others, may adjust better than you can imagine. Time will tell. I know it's a difficult process to go through, and we'll still processing. But you and your mom will be OK. Will be praying for her move. Is it today? Praying for you, and your husband, as well.

Thanks sis, it is today. And thanks for the tips on making it easier for her to adjust. Mom does have a Bible story book she i fond of. I will take that for sure.
Speaking of the "enablers". That brought back some memories. My mother was using her Sunday School class for that. She would tell them awful stories of abuse by my husband and that I was trying to take her land and all her money. I kept getting a cool reaction by some of the ladies in church. I was kind of suspicious that sort of thing was going on. It all came out one Sunday when I got called into mom's SS class and ambushed about my husband "beating her".

Ambushed. That's a good term. I used to enjoy my small town. We've been here for 10 years. It was a quiet, peaceful little place to live...until bringing my mom here to live. I'm finding her "friends" aren't as friendly as I once encountered, and some cool receptions and suspicious reactions are found where once we enjoyed warmth and anonymity. Lots of people know us in this small town, but my mother's false accusations and bitter spirit is ruining the joy I once felt in living here. I can't even go to her apartment for a visit without feeling like a "criminal." Her disdain and lies are ruining my credibility, instead of hers. It makes me sick to think about it. She can still perform to the audience at hand. Someday, they will see her for what she is, but I'll probably always be "the bad guy." What a nightmare it has been moving mom from where she was.

I feel for you with the Sunday School incident. How did you handle it? After all that, I'm surprised you kept her in your home. (Except, I know, she's your mom.)

It will be interesting to hear how things go for your mom today. What do they suggest to you if she refuses to go?

Actually this is Mom's house. It is one of the reasons I feel so guilty about having to do this. She has 3 houses and when my brother died I moved in the one across the road so I could be closer to her and I rented out my old house ( about 15 miles away). She wouldn't take rent though I've offered it a few times. Now she keeps telling me this is her property and her house. I know all that.
I'm not trying to take anything of hers but that's what she keeps telling people. I've got somebody living in my old house and they are good renters. I don't want to make them move. If mom is able to come back she needs someone to take care of her. She needs someone to take care of her yards and her property as far as mowing the yard. Also there are no neighbors that are close enough to see her houses and property. We've had several things stolen since we've lived here ( riding lawn mower, push mowers, air tank,etc). I'm sure if we moved they would break into her old house and take all her stuff. Dad and brother both had lots of tools and farm stuff that are still sitting there. My husband is certainly in no shape to move now. What is really funny is that my brother lived with her til his death (except for a year or two when he was married) and he didn't pay rent or help with the bills. He had a couple that sometimes helped him living in mom's other house and they didn't pay rent. Not that there was anything wrong with that. She wanted him there I'm sure. I just don't understand why she makes me out to be this bad, terrible person. I was living on my own making house payments and paying my bills for several years. It's funny cause when i was growing up and my dad was building this house he told everyone it was for me to live in when I got older. of course when I grew up I wanted to live on my own and did from 1984 til 2001. I didn't get married even til 2000. I did not foresee us having to put her in AL back when I moved over here in 2001. She was doing fine on her meds then. She seems to think it was all just a big plan to take her property from her.
The deal at church really upset me, sis. I burst out crying and ran out the door. That room full of accusing eyes just got to me.
I had already tried to talk to mom's SS teacher about this. I was kind of fearing she was making those kind of accusations. The SS teacher just brushed me off and said everything was fine. Then a couple months or so later I get called into the SS room. I talked to the pastor later that day and he said he didn't know mom was mentally ill (he's a new pastor), or that I had already discussed the matter with the SS teacher, or that she was going to bring me in front of the class. He apologized. The SS teacher sort of apologized.

You have been through so much. I wish I could say I can't relate, but things are going in that direction for me, now, as well. I completely understand the hurt feelings. It's embarrasing, humiliating, and demeaning. I cry (inside, and sometimes outwardly) daily, and cringe with every phone call or encounter, wondering what I will have to face next. I'm guessing you can relate to that.

For all you've been through, I commend you. You are definitely one of the hero, angel Caregivers. May your rewards be many. I pray for your comfort and healing during this difficult time. And I pray this is just the relief you and your husband need to see him through his difficulties as well. While it's often dark in the valley, we do not have to walk alone. Take care, hero!

Thanks sis. You're a hero of mine too. I was feeling really alone when I found this forum. I think God brought me here so I could see I wasn't the only one going through this sort of thing. You are in my prayers too.

To Lucy and Sis,
You both amaze me with your strength and dedication to your families. God Bless you both and so glad you are here for each other and the rest of us.
Linda

Thank you. I'm going to cry. I'm a bit scared, too, because with all this love and compassion, I'm wondering what's around the corner with my mom!!! Some days I feel suspended, because the ball always drops. (Ok, never mind........back to: "ain't skeeeeerd!")

We have to laugh at that. (Now look who's paranoid.) lol

LOL, fofl

Hi you teo this is what I got from the psycholist yesterdat.

this one will be hard for me because my mind doesn't work this way and either does yours

#1 Be a relector ( l9ke a mirror) when she starts pushing your buttons he said "turn it back on her

#2 communication tools

say that won't work for me
It may be helpful to think about it this ay and come up with an alternative. I personally will have to work on these, years ago my mother took my oldest son away from me and i had to take her to court. no I wasn't a bad mother, no I didn't do drugs she is narciccistic and a controller Well his birthday is the 14th. she started already this past Sund.

" Oh haha I remember when we lived in dundlk and everybody thought Stephen was your brothers little sister, I sat for a moment and turned to her and smiled and said yes, I did have beautiful children didn't I? guess whar END OF CONVERSATION. i AM LEARNING DON'T LET THEM STEAL YOUR POWER THATS WHAT THEY WANT.

you DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO THEM.

I heart hurts for you because I DO understand all to well

As soon as I get this splint off my hand I am starting my book

"Living with narciccistic parents with a splash of Alcoholism. Think there will be a market??

I think there's a huge market for books like that! We are definitely not alone. You'll probably end up on some talk show, as well. That will make some people laugh.

Thanks for sharing the above tip. Good comeback. It steals the power right back, and diffuses her pointed jabs. Yuk. I hate living so defense/offfensively! It's like running the gauntlet. But I guess it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

well thats good to know I just might sell a few I felt that there is a need for more of this information to. Yes have to be like a owl but act like a dove. I hate it to.

Makes you wonder about some people who call themselves Christians doesn't it I wonder.... what would Jesus do?

psychotherapy can be very helpful for somebody who is able to have some insight into their behavior and is able to stick to a plan to try to relearn acceptable behaviors and responses. If your mother is also demonstrating some signs of dementia she is not capable of this. However, if you don't have to pay the psychotherapist, let it be. That is another person checking on her two times a week. He/she may also be invaluable in adding you to get a conservatorship. Who better to testify to your mother's mental incapacity.

Trish, thanks for your added insight and suggestion. Yes, my mom's doctor suggests a little dementia, as well. We have just hired Home Health people to help with transport, etc. My mom is resistant to the truth, which is to her demise, and to mine, I'm afraid. - Is that a picture of you a a casino?

Neon, I think Jesus would just love them where they're at. Or perhaps heal them, or perform some miracle. Only heaven knows.

For transportation check with county services, the Red Cross and Volunteers of America. You don't need an ambulance but sometimes ambulance companies have alternative ways to transport people, such as an "ambo-cab". In the for what it's worth category, you can claim the transportation as a medical expense for income taxes. You may also be able to find a reliable individual to take her for much less money.

Trish, thanks for the additional tip. We need several resources.

I meant to say, "in, or at" a casino... (I need to check before I hit enter.) Nice to see a photo.

All I can speak of is from my experience. A year ago when my mother went especially overboard... (totally traumatic), she ended up in the hospital. Well by God's grace and goodness, I was able to get a psychiatrist to see her. I had talked to the hospital staff, social worker, etc, but they couldn't really see it. By a miracle of all miracles when the psychiatrist went in a second time, mom trapped herself talking about how she wanted to die. I was standing out in the hallway so she could not use me for answers. The psychiatrist came out and basically said I was right and that they were admitting her to geriatric psych.

Mom has been in geriatric psych twice within the last year. I only held my ground as to what the issues were in talking with staff. Mom did the rest completely on her own. When she and my father had to get into AL (pdq), she called me every name in the book and then some. The staff at first did not believe some of the things on the application I put, but after a year being with her now, I get sympathy and a lot of help.

Secret, as her guardian, maybe you should ask the courts what to do at this point because if you let ___ happen you may be called neglectful. If ___ happens, you could be liable, etc. Can you get an advisor or someone by your side other than family to be a witness to things?

I know for me, I tell people to ask my husband. He's been there through it all. He tells stories to people and their jaws hit the floor.

I still have the hope that she will choose to turn from her ways. I have a Christian counselor who goes in about once a week. I'll never forget after his first 20 min session with mom. When he talked to me, he said "I understand why you are so defensive." Pretty scary after 20 minutes!! I still provide opportunities for my mom to change, but I have my boundaries!! This mental disease is so sad.

I always tell those who "don't get my behavior" towards mom that my dad has Alzheimer's. He can't help the way he is. Mom, has been like this for a lifetime. She KNOWS and purposely does it. I don't need to tolerate anything. Hang in there ladies.

Remember, a day at a time!

Hi Gals,
Checking in with you all. So far things are stable at mommy dearest's home. Thanks to the heavens, I need to attend to medical issues I am now facing.

Secret Sis, Did the psychaitrist prescribe psych meds for your mom?

Hope nothing serious is going on Piratess (medically) for you. I know the stress of dealing with this can get you down.
Mom is now in assisted living. Transcare (the people who brought her from behavioral health) said she was a peach. Well at least until she got to the AL. Then she didn't want to get out. She is very mad at me and let me know but she was a sweetheart to everyone else. I left after she made a few remarks about me being fat and laughing. The owner kind of scolded her for that. It just rolls off me now. I know I'm fat. Its the other stuff she says that really hurts.

Lucy, I will tell you this from talking to AL staff. They told me all residents hate the person who put them there. Sometimes residents get over it, sometimes they do not.

Hon, regardless of what's said, still, it hurts (our mother is insulting us). My mother has said and done some horrible things to me as well. You just keep taking care of her the best that you can. Love on the AL staff, lend them an ear to vent, and listen to them. It will all help in working to care for mom knowing they are caring for her and you will definitely feel more at ease.

((((((((Lucy)))))))))))

Thank you mitzi. It helps to know its not just me and my mom.

Dear Ladies, you are all so sweet and caring!

Piratess, nice to hear from you; it's been a while. Good to hear your mom's doing OK, but sad to hear you have health issues to deal with. Hope all is OK with you. I've missed your posts. Mom is taking Zoloft for depression (which the new Psychiatrist says she doesn't have, but he didn't prescribe it). She also has been prescribed Xanax (generic: Alprazolam) for anxiety. This she is not taking at present, awaiting a second opinion.

Lucy, seems things went better than you expected in getting her there. Thank God. I pray this is a good fit for your mom and for your family. Now you can rest a little easier, knowing she is in good hands, and you can attend to your husband's very important needs right now. Again, thank God!

Mitzi, I'll address in a second post. Thank you all.

Hello again, Mitzi. I have talked to two ladies from the court already (several times) concerning my mom. One is an administrative assistant, and professional Guardian; the other a Guardian, and my dad and FIL's Guardian ad Litem. Both have been very generous with their time, and helpful with their counsel. They say they are accused of abuse "all the time," by those in their charge. I also talk with another who runs our county Adult Day Services, and chairs several monthly Dementia/Alzheimer's Support Groups, which I attend as able. They have been wonderful in terms of resources and support. They have helped me tremendously, and have left their doors wide open to me at any time. Many, many professional have done so, and have been such a blessing to me. They have helped me over some very rough territory, and guided me along.

Unfortunately, the light at the end of the tunnel turns out to be a freight train. With mom's PD diagnosis just two months ago, it's been an entirely new learning curve for me. They predict she will become much much worse. Wow! Hard to imagine. Can you say, "runaway freight train"? So, buckle your seatbelts, everyone! Tickets, please. Next stop: Mama Drama Traumaville. The place I grew up in, and didn't really understand. How do we stop this train? Can I get off now? Help! Let me out of here!

Most of the time, things have been OK. Till lately. Her poor treatment of me is escalating. Her complaints against me are growing. Her whining is increasing. Her false accusations, and delusions are popping out at the scenes. Her target is me. And people are believing her, and are suspicious of me. This is a deadly game. I feel sometimes as though I'm losing.

I called the Geri Assessment Clinic today, who originally diagnosed her, to ask for their advice and a second referral, saying I wanted a second opinion from the Psychiatrist mom saw two days ago. I was mad he disagreed with some of the Geri Clinician's findings. He was too neutral to read, so I am not sure what he is thinking or of his impression of mom or me. I do intend to ask him. Mom refused me entrance to her visit with him, and wouldn't let me join them later. He did talk to me, but it was not comfortable for me. I want someone who will hear me, take me seriously, and offer a plan. I haven't found that person yet.

They gave me a couple of referrals, and said they couldn't help me with much more than that. They did say they would support me by sending their recomendations to whomever I was working with, and ar willing to be of any assistance I ask. They've been so supportive, that I wish all her treatment could take place with them, but that is not their purpose. So I must travel on. Next stop: Destination Unknown.

I have no hopes of mom getting better, beyond a miracle. And right now, not everyone sees what I see, or hears what I hear. There will come a day when she can no long hide it. But right now, she got some fooled. This will be interesting! And I doubt one could pin neglect on me. She's stealing my thoughts, energy, time and emotions. I do most everything for her (though never "correctly," according to her). This will be an interesting journey.

Hawaii, anyone? I'd even settle for U.S. HWY2. I'm there in my dreams. There's got to be something better than sacrificing ourselves to mentally ill people. I say we all go to the beach. Anyone in? LOL